--- ai_generation_date: '2026-08-07' ai_model: gemini-3-pro-preview audiodharma: talks: - date: '2021-06-14' mp3_url: https://audiodharma.us-east-1.linodeobjects.com/talks/13645/20210614-Nikki_Mirghafori-IMC-happy_hour_no_one_dearer_than_yourself_the_udana.mp3 speakers: - speaker_name: Nikki Mirghafori speaker_url: https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/229 talk_start_time_seconds: 0 title: 'Happy Hour: "No One Dearer Than Yourself" - The Udana' url: https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/13645 video_unavailable: false location_city: Redwood City, CA video_unavailable: false youtube: id: 2DnWyYMYccU imprecise_upload_date: '2022-05-04' title: 'Happy Hour: "No One Dearer Than Yourself" -- The Udana' upload_date: null uploader_str: Insight Meditation Center uploader_url: https://www.youtube.com/@InsightMeditationCenter youtube_url: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2DnWyYMYccU --- # Happy Hour: "No One Dearer Than Yourself" - The Udana - [Nikki Mirghafori](https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/229) _This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video above. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers._ ## [Happy Hour: "No One Dearer Than Yourself" - The Udana](https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/13645) Okay, hello and welcome everyone to this edition of Happy Hour as we come together to practice. For inspiration for tonight's practice, I'd like to read a translation from the Udana of the verses in the Udana, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu[^1]. The Udana is from the original Pali canon. Here is the quote, and so the Buddha says: "Searching in all directions with your awareness, you find no one dearer than yourself. In the same way, others are thickly dear to themselves. So you shouldn't hurt others if you love yourself." Quite profound. So, two different parts to this. Let me read it one more time: "Searching in all directions with your awareness, you find no one dearer than yourself. In the same way, others are thickly dear to themselves. So you shouldn't hurt others if you love yourself." Ah, interesting. There's a lot to unpack there as a practice, right? So, looking in all directions, you find no one dearer than yourself. That's kind of taken for granted, that first part, that oh yes, no one is dearer to yourself than you are. Okay, that's part number one. And then, yes, of course, it's the same for others. So if you love yourself, you wouldn't hurt others. So, some invitations. The Buddha is actually saying that as you look around, searching in all directions with your awareness, you find no one dearer than yourself. Interesting. And the second part, that there is something about self-love. If we dearly love ourselves—so the baseline, the conditions for us really dearly loving ourselves, accepting ourselves, holding this being who is me showing up in this way with all the gifts and challenges and idiosyncrasies (and I can even say that word, which is kind of interesting, but anyway). So with all the idiosyncratic ways I show up in the world—okay, that's better—and all the funny ways, and all the gifts, and all the beauty that I show up with, if I really truly love myself and hold myself dear, that is the base. That is the platform for considering that yes, other people hold themselves dear; their lives are dear to them. Not just human beings, but animals. So that can become a precondition, a basis of treating others just as we want to be treated, just as we hold ourselves dear. So, a lot to unpack here. Without jumping into a dharma talk, let's just practice together and draw on this as inspiration for us practicing. ## Guided Meditation I'd like to invite you to get into your meditation posture. Ah, whatever is comfortable for you. Landing in this body. Sitting, standing, or lying down. First, as always, we start by just settling. Settling with awareness into this breath, this body. Calming. Arriving. Letting the breath breathe you. Settling. Arriving more fully, more completely, more wholeheartedly with each out-breath. Landing. And if thoughts, memories, plans are arising, noticing. Noticing with awareness what's happening and calming, soothing ourselves with the next out-breath. Ah, landing in this moment right here. Lovingly for this being who is us. Out of care, out of concern. Putting down, putting aside what doesn't need to be thought or figured out right now. Here. Here, just here. Right here, this breath. This moment. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. Just to give our hearts to itself in this moment. To recognize the goodness, the beauty in the suchness of just being aware. Turning the gaze inward. Searching in all directions with your awareness, you find no one dearer than yourself. No one dearer than yourself. What if we imagine that with our awareness, we're searching in all directions and we find this being, we find this person, ourselves, whom we perhaps forsaken for others? What if we truly recognize, honor, love, not from a selfish, egoistic place, but from the perspective the truth is saying? Unconditionally loving this being who is us. Perhaps imagining our favorite love song. When we have sung for others in our minds and our hearts, or wished that somebody else, some other person, would see us, would really see us and love us, and sing that favorite love song for us—what if we sing it to ourselves? Loving ourselves, our beloved other. Giving our heart fully, wholeheartedly, to itself. An infinite echoing and mirroring of love. See how this practice might work for you. Maybe receiving it is easier for you. Can imagine yourself receiving this love poem, love song from yourself? Or maybe it's easier to give it from the embodied seat, giving it to this being, stepping outside of yourself. See whether giving or receiving embodied works better for you. Or maybe both. If unsure, maybe try imagining yourself receiving this poem or love song serenaded to you by yourself. For some, maybe a younger version of yourself might help, be supported to see, love, protect, care for a younger self. Searching in all directions with your awareness, you find no one dearer than yourself. In the same way, others are thickly dear to themselves. So you shouldn't hurt others if you love yourself. So, as we've been considering how dear we are to ourselves, loving, caring—maybe with the image of a younger version of ourselves, caring for this younger version. Maybe they are sitting on our lap. We hold them, hug them. Ask them if they need rest, food, sleep, love, protection, safety. Offering that wholeheartedly to ourselves. Realizing all beings—maybe starting with all the beings we're practicing with right now on Zoom and YouTube—all these beings, with the younger version of themselves sitting on their lap metaphorically, they hold themselves dear. Their lives are dear to them; they don't want to suffer. So just as we care for ourselves, hold ourselves dear and precious, a part of ourselves, all of ourselves—recognizing that is true for everyone else. Just like me. Just like me. And I am just like them, no different. It's natural to hold ourselves dear, and this supports non-harming others. How can we hurt others if we hold ourselves dear? If we truly love ourselves, we know how much it hurts to be hurt. How can we inflict that upon others, wish them ill? Just as we wish ourselves well, just as we want to be safe, happy, healthy, and have ease: May all beings, all beings be safe, happy, healthy, and have ease. May all beings be well. May all beings be free. ## Reflections and Q&A Thank you for your practice, everyone. So, I'll change the settings for the chat. If you'd like to share your reflections in chat, if you type them just to me, I won't say your name out loud. If it's to everyone, I'll read the name. You can also raise your Zoom hand to share your questions, reflections, what came up for you. We have folks joining on YouTube also, hi. You're welcome to share your reflections as well. So yeah, how was this for you? What did you notice in your practice with this teaching from the Udana? It's all welcome, especially if you haven't spoken for a while. We'd love to hear from you. While I wait for you to raise your hand and type, I'll share something that came up for me which was kind of sweet. At some point, an image of a younger version of me came up sitting on my lap, and I shared that with you as an invitation. And also, a song came up. There is a song by Peter Gabriel called _The Book of Love_, and there's a line in there that says, "I love it when you read to me, and you can read me anything." So that came up for me as a younger version of myself saying, "Oh, I love it when you read to me." So I guess I like reading books to myself. I just wanted to share that because that sense of visualization, the sense of tenderness, giving whether through words, through song, through just... all of these are skillful means for us to really connect with ourselves. So, what happened for you, whether it was challenging or easy, and what you noticed? Janie, I see your physical hand for a change here, please. **Janie:** Thank you, thank you, thank you. Yeah, I had a hard time at first getting my mind quiet. But when you said the child—I recently had run across a picture of myself, you know, seventy years ago, and I saw that child in my mind's eye. And I could have her on my knee and just be there with her and tell her I loved her, and all those good things. And so that changed it for me. **Nikki Mirghafori:** Lovely. Thank you, Janie. It's lovely to hear what was supportive and what worked, is this image of our younger self. Great, thanks for bringing that in. Did that work for anyone else? You're welcome to share, or if that didn't work or something else did, tell us. Share your practice. It's helpful for the whole sangha[^3], challenges and what works. One reflection coming privately: "For me, it was hard because the only person I feel like I've loved unconditionally was my daughter when she was a baby, a young child." Great. Actually, that is fantastic. So, the invitation there is to imagine in your meditation, to bring an image of your daughter when she was a baby, as a young child, and have the sense of mettā[^2]. She's on your lap, and then—skillful means, bait and switch—then you're the baby on your lap, and the feeling of mettā is going to continue unconditionally for this being that is myself. And then you will run dry after a while, then you'll bring your young daughter back and say, "Oh, it's unconditional when she was a baby, and just fragile and sweet." And then again, hold some bait and switch, and then you're the one. And you'll notice actually the unconditional mettā will flow for a while. So, may I invite you to explore that? Yeah. Great, thanks so much for bringing that in. I appreciate it, helpful for everyone. Anything else? Any other observations? And maybe it was just challenging, period, and that's okay too. Anything about the very end, when we turned to actually notice all beings, that they're just like us, just as we hold ourselves dear? Now someone says: "For me, it was a reflection on how everyone is at the center of their own story." Yeah, we are. We are the center, yeah. Yeah, and it's interesting because there are two different ways we can see that. And then what you're saying is absolutely true: it's all about me, self, and yet we are dear to ourselves. There's a sense of dearness. So, I think both recognitions are important, and in that way, we also realize how much we are in the center of our own story. We're the star of our story, we're the victim of the story, or the protagonist. We're... it's all about me, maybe. And yet, you know, it's kind of interesting because as I say this, it almost seems like the teachings on not-self, it almost seems like they're orthogonal here, but they aren't actually. Because the selfishness sometimes actually comes from a sense of scarcity, as if there is not enough there. There's not enough love, there's not enough goodness. There are unmet needs, I need to prove myself, I need to be seen. So, when actually there is a sense of contentment and fulfillment like, "Yes, it's okay," the sense of self actually drops. Which is why the full expression of love is not-self and emptiness, and the full expression of emptiness is love and compassion. It might seem counterintuitive, but actually, they're not orthogonal. So, so much to say about this. And I'm thinking it might be good actually now to turn our attention to practice in small groups and see what might come up. And as you discuss with each other what was challenging, what was easy, and yeah, practice discussions can be quite juicy and productive in this way. So, I'd like to invite us to offer ourselves, offer our heart, recognizing that we're all dear to—we're so dear to ourselves, everybody's dear to themselves. So, when you are in a practice meeting with two other people, recognize that you're dear to yourself and they are dear to themselves. So, I'll create the groups. Let's start with 15 seconds of mettā for yourself and others, and see what comes up. The rooms are open. Enjoy. _[Small group discussions occur]_ Okay, the rooms are closed. Everyone is back. Welcome back, everyone. So we have a few minutes for any reflections that came up while you were in groups. Take it away, what did you notice? I think Diana wants to talk. Diana, you're welcome to unmute yourself. **Diana:** This meditation was really lovely. This particular subject, as always, but it brought up something for me where I finally have a chance to ask a question. Because every time the idea of holding the child or being around myself as a child comes up, it just brings sadness because I didn't have a happy childhood. And so I find myself then focused on something where it's not where I want to be. And is if the idea is to bring warmth and a lovely and a loving feeling, then do we bring in something else that makes us happy, like our cat or something, or another person? Is that similar? Because bringing up the child is not... it would be a long distraction for me. **Nikki Mirghafori:** I hear that, I hear that. And thank you so much for bringing that in. So, a couple of different things. One is, the idea of bringing someone you care about, a cat, a dog—that's great, you know, for mettā. It might still be helpful, unless the childhood was so traumatic and there isn't really any space to be with that. But even if there's a little bit of space, in the long term of practice, in the long run, it can actually be helpful to re-parent in a way. Reparenting yourself, reparenting to yourself little by little by little. Like, "Sweetie, I'm here for you. Yes, I know it was sad, I know it was hard. And now I'm the adult and I protect you, I love you, nobody's gonna hurt you now." So there's a way of reparenting ourselves in our hearts which can be so wholesome, really healing in this process. So I invite you, yeah, yeah, I hear... just try a little bit, even though it might be sad. But I'm understanding what you're saying, yeah. But I think the love can be bigger than the sadness, that's what I'm bringing in, because the love from the adult view can be bigger. There is some nuance, there's some maneuvering. So don't shy away from it just because it's sad. Meet the sadness with love; it becomes a practice of compassion, and it can be very powerful. **Diana:** Okay, thank you. **Nikki Mirghafori:** You're welcome. Thank you so much for bringing that in. What a great question. Yeah, so dear ones, as you all hold yourselves dear—we all hold ourselves dear. Thank you for your practice. Thank you for your practice. Thank you for coming to Happy Hour, cultivating your heart for your own sake and the sake of all beings whose lives we touch. May all beings be happy. May all beings be well. Thank you. --- [^1]: **Thanissaro Bhikkhu:** An American Buddhist monk of the Thai Forest Tradition, known for his translations of the Pali Canon. [^2]: **Mettā:** A Pali word often translated as "loving-kindness," "goodwill," or "benevolence." [^3]: **Sangha:** A Pali and Sanskrit word referring to the Buddhist community of monks, nuns, novices, and laity.