--- ai_generation_date: '2026-07-21' ai_model: gemini-3-pro-preview audiodharma: talks: - date: '2022-02-28' mp3_url: https://audiodharma.us-east-1.linodeobjects.com/talks/15160/20220228-Nikki_Mirghafori-IMC-happy_hour_recognizing_our_own_suffering_with_the_power_of_a_simple_ouch.mp3 speakers: - speaker_name: Nikki Mirghafori speaker_url: https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/229 talk_start_time_seconds: 0 title: 'Happy Hour: Recognizing Our Own Suffering with the Power of a Simple "Ouch"' url: https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/15160 video_unavailable: false location_city: Redwood City, CA video_unavailable: false youtube: id: OAT8DRFxkDQ imprecise_upload_date: '2022-05-04' title: 'Happy Hour: Recognizing Our Own Suffering with the Power of a Simple "Ouch"' upload_date: null uploader_str: Insight Meditation Center uploader_url: https://www.youtube.com/@InsightMeditationCenter youtube_url: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAT8DRFxkDQ --- # Happy Hour: Recognizing Our Own Suffering with the Power of a Simple "Ouch" - [Nikki Mirghafori](https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/229) *This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video above. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.* ## [Happy Hour: Recognizing Our Own Suffering with the Power of a Simple "Ouch"](https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/15160) Hello, friends. Hello, it's good to sit with you. It's good to practice together in this moment in time, however the day has been for you so far. Whether it's been a day with ease, whether it's been a challenging day, it's nice to come together. It's nice to come together and practice. For the practice in this moment, last time on Friday (it was long, long ago), we explored the practice of compassion combined with mindfulness of the breath (*anapanasati*). Really, combining those two practices is a way to practice *tonglen*[^1], which is this beautiful compassion practice in the later schools of Buddhism. For today, let us continue engaging with the practices of compassion for ourselves, for others, for however we are doing in this moment or have been doing, the challenges and the goodnesses, as well as for other beings. In this famous quote, it is said: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a difficult battle." At times we might think, "Oh, everybody has it figured out, they're just as happy as a clam in their shell, and they have no problems in their world, in their life, and oh, it's only me, only me, poor me." But guess what? Everybody in this life, in this world, is fighting a tough battle in different ways. We may not know what other people are dealing with. We only know our psyche, we only know our bodies, we only know our story. But cultivating compassion, cultivating kindness—can we bring more kindness to ourselves? Can we bring more kindness to others? Can we imbue every interaction with kindness, with compassion, knowing that everyone is having a tough time in some way? I mean, we all put on a facade of, "Yeah, everything is going well." And maybe things *are* going well! Not to say everything is a challenge, everything is doom and gloom. I don't want to give that impression at all. There are many, many joys; there are ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows. So, appreciating the joys in our lives, bowing to the joys, the goodness, and also having tenderness instead of taking out the whip and self-flagellating. Having tenderness. Maybe I'll add one last thing before turning our practice towards compassion: If you forget everything I say tonight, remember one thing. Whenever you're having a difficult time, whenever you're hurting, whenever it seems hard—either your body seems hard, life seems hard, something seems hard—we often don't recognize that. We often, not to say every time, but we often don't recognize that. We often think, "Ah, this is terrible, get it together. Come on, let's get going. You're not working hard enough, you're not being sharp enough." We actually respond to when we're having a tough time with trying to push ourselves further, or turning towards what is challenging with harshness: "It shouldn't be this way." Pushing it away, either pushing ourselves away ("You're bad") or pushing the difficulty away. That "ouch" that we feel, that "ouch" is a signal. "Ouch, I'm hurting right now. This is hard." This is the time to bring in compassion. "Ouch, I'm hurting right now. This is hard." And when we learn that, we can also be the same way with others. "Ouch, they're hurting right now. They're having a hard time. They're not just being difficult; they're having a hard time. This is the best they can do given the causes and conditions." That's all I want to say to frame it. So with that, let's begin. Let's land in our bodies. ## Guided Meditation Let's arrive in this moment, in this body, letting go of the words. Letting go. If your mind wants to think right now and figure it out, or is still processing what happened in the day, or planning what's happening later tonight or tomorrow, can you bow smilingly at this overactive mind? It's doing just what minds do. And say, "Sweetheart, sweetheart, dear mind, it's okay, dear. You can let go. It's all right, you can let go right now." You can let go. Let's release. Release the entanglements right now and just relax. Take refuge. All these beautiful 'R' words: release, relax, take refuge. Release the mind. Relax the body. Take refuge in the heart. I'll say it again: Release the mind. Relax the body. Take refuge in the heart. Let's do that for a few minutes. See which one is needed more: releasing, relaxing, or taking refuge. Releasing thoughts. Relaxing the body. Taking refuge in the heart. Spending a few more minutes tilling the soil. Collecting, collecting. With mindfulness in the body, with heart. Now I'd like to invite you, if you would, to bring to mind something from today. It could be in this moment, perhaps something that was challenging for you in your body, in your mind, the emotional space perhaps, or physical space, relational space. Maybe it was an instance where you didn't quite recognize you were suffering, and instead you took out the proverbial stick and started to beat yourself up for not being enough. If no such instance comes to mind, it's okay. Maybe it's just something that was challenging for you or is challenging physically—maybe a pain or ache—or emotionally. See if you can really recognize the "ouch." "Ouch, sweetheart, this is hard. Anyone going through this would be having a hard time. This is not easy. Just like anyone else would be hurting, would be feeling challenged, I too, just like anyone else, feel challenged, hurt, tender by this." Recognizing the "ouch." It's not your weakness. You're not bad. So many causes and conditions have come together; this is difficult. And is it possible to recognize this, recognize yourself, and hold yourself with care, as if you're holding a younger version of yourself just having a hard time? Recognize that in this image there's both the honoring of the strength of the empowered you, the older you, the one who is a source of compassion, as well as honoring, acknowledging the tenderness, the hurt. Both of them together. Not just the hurt, not just the strength, both together. See if a loving version of you can hold a younger, perhaps tender, challenged version of you. "It's okay, sweetheart. It's okay. This is hard, and it's okay. It's all right. It's okay, I'm here for you. I see you, I love you. And I see that this is difficult, and it's okay. It's okay." You're doing the best you can. You're doing the best you can under the circumstances. If you could have done any better, if you could do any better given all the causes and conditions, you would have. Trust. Trust. Holding, nurturing, soothing, supporting, healing with each breath. Let the imagery be as vivid as possible without making it too much work. Now bringing to mind one interaction you've had with someone today. It could be in person, virtual, a phone call, reading an email—some interaction you've had with another human being. Maybe it was a challenging interaction, or maybe an easy one. Doesn't matter. Let's bring to mind that everyone you meet is fighting a difficult battle. Just like me, this person has challenges. I may not know what they are, but I can be sure they have challenges in their life; it's part of being human. In their body maybe, in their emotional space, relationships, something else, who knows. And there's always old age, sickness, and death, the heavenly messengers[^2] that visit us or our loved ones. Can you hold this being, this person you've had an interaction with today, especially if it was challenging, with compassion? With care? "Oh, you too, fellow human being, whatever your challenges, I wish you ease. Just as I recognize my own 'ouch' without judgment, without adding salt to my wound, I offer you kindness. I offer you recognition and compassion. May you have ease. May you be well. May you be free from whatever is challenging. May you be carried with grace." It may not be in my control, my power, to solve what's challenging for me and for you, but I can be kind. I can offer kindness, compassion. It's easier than I think to offer it to myself and to you. May you have well-being. May you have ease. I wish you peace, well-being, peace in the midst of whatever is challenging for you. Notice how good it can feel for our own heart, our own body, to extend care, compassion, ease to others. Expanding, expanding our circle of warmth, of care, of extending wishes for ease, peace, safety to all beings everywhere. All beings having challenges in this life. Especially those right now living in war zones, with lack of safety, with uncertainty. "Oh, dear fellow human beings. This must be so hard in ways I can't even fathom. I wish you ease, I wish you safety. May you be free from this sorrow, this pain, this challenge. May you have ease, grace in the midst of this difficulty." Holding witness with each breath. Holding witness without toppling into sorrow and grief. Holding witness with each breath. Ryōkan[^3] said, "Oh, if only my monk's robes were wide enough. If only my robes were wide enough to cover, to protect all the suffering beings in this entire world." Holding witness with care, with compassion, with each breath. Wishing safety and ease. May all beings everywhere, all beings in all conditions, including myself (this being who's me), may all beings everywhere have ease. May they have well-being. May they be safe. May they have ease in the midst of difficulties. May they be happy, may they be free. Thank you for your practice, everyone. ## Reflections and Q&A So today's practice, we started as always by landing, by arriving. And the offering tonight, which you can take if it was helpful for you, was the three R's: releasing thoughts, releasing the mind, relaxing the body, and taking refuge in the heart. Then we turned our attention to something that was challenging for ourselves, to recognize the "ouch" and to hold that with care, with compassion, not with judgment. Then we turned our attention, our awareness, to someone we had an interaction with today, to hold them with care and compassion. And then we extended it to all beings, especially those who are living in war zones, especially at this time of turmoil in our world. There were many invitations along the way, and I'd love to hear what worked, what didn't. And especially if you haven't shared, if you haven't spoken for a while, if you haven't put your voice in the space, I invite you to step back from raising your hand; you're welcome to type in chat. And if you haven't spoken for a while, I'd love to invite you to step forward. What did you observe? What happened? For the benefit of yourself to be held witness, and for the benefit of others. If there was a discovery, an "aha" moment, or maybe something that was challenging. And if you type in chat, if you type to me alone, I won't read your name, it'll be a private reflection. If it's typed to everyone, I'll read your name as it is public. And as I'm waiting, if you wish to share with others what's come up for you, I'll say that one thing I invited you to notice was the sense of nourishment, the sense of feeling good when we extend, when we hold with compassion what's arising for us, our challenges, and also what's arising for others, the difficulty of others. It can be quite healing, soothing. Compassion feels good. The practice of compassion is not supposed to be sad or difficult or painful. That's empathetic distress. That's when we fall into sorrow without balancing it with kindness and goodwill. So did you notice this nourishment of ease, of succor, of soothing? Again, if you haven't shared in a while, you're welcome to raise your hand. And if you haven't spoken last week, the chat is open too. Bill says, "Tried feeling compassion for someone I had a bad interaction with. Felt guilty instead. Then went back to trying to feel compassion for myself." Great, great! Yay, Bill, that is very wise, because we don't always have control over the emotions that come up. You know, you're trying to feel compassion, and then you feel guilty like you can't, and brilliant that you then turned to yourself with compassion like, "Oh dear, feeling guilty. Ouch, this is painful, ouch." Instead of, "Well, I'm not supposed to feel guilty, this is what's not supposed to come up." So great, beautiful. One more reflection: "My fear and my nurturing both come from my heart. So I found myself holding my heart with my heart." Oh, that's lovely. Thank you for that reflection, beautiful, Esther. **Student:** Oh, hi. I attended a prayer session this morning for Ukraine, and people were sending compassion to all involved. And I noticed I got very angry when one person was offering good wishes to Putin. So much judgment came up, so much anger. I couldn't go there, I mean I couldn't go to feeling compassion for Putin. But as I'm sitting here thinking about it, I could feel compassion for the person who was saying that, and of course for everyone who's suffering in that war zone. **Nikki Mirghafori:** Yeah, yeah. I appreciate you bringing this up, Esther. So what I heard you say is that the prayer service you attended for Ukraine, someone was offering compassion for Putin and that brought up anger for you. "How could you have compassion for this person who's causing harm?" And yet there was compassion for the person who did that, and for everyone who's impacted. Did I hear that correctly, Esther? **Student:** I'm not sure if I heard you correctly. I was feeling compassion for the person who was offering compassion for Putin. **Nikki Mirghafori:** Yes, yes. Thanks for sharing that, and it's important. I'm glad you brought this up because what I'd like to share is that, let's take a bigger perspective, and you may not be ready for it right now, Esther, so don't push it. And yet, let me offer this as a perspective. Often we have this limited viewpoint, and yet, with a bigger perspective, I hold Putin with compassion too. Like, ouch. Ouch. The ripples of his actions, the karmic impact, ouch of what he's doing. It pains me on a bigger level, in a more transcendent view of life and death and humanity. Our actions, the ripple of our actions through generations, through lives... this person who's causing so much harm to himself and to others karmically. Ouch. Ouch. So maybe I'll just leave it at that. I'm not trying to convince you of anything, but just to plant a seed for when there might be readiness for a different perspective to arise. Is that okay? **Student:** Yes, that's okay. **Nikki Mirghafori:** Yeah, so we have more reflections, and just to say I need to leave enough time for our practice together in small groups. So I'm going to quickly go to the written reflections, or you know what, I think it's time. Let's turn to small group practice because I want to make sure we have time, and that's important. 6:50, that's the time we always turn to small group practice. So let's turn to that and I'll come back to the reflections that you've shared in chat if there's time afterwards. I will create the rooms and let's hold each other with compassion. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other. The small groups are where deep, deep practice happens. So I've created the rooms, take care of yourselves, take care of each other. And opening them... here we go. *[Small group practice session]* The rooms are now closed, everybody's back. We just have about a minute and I wanted to just share a couple of reflections that you shared before I went into the rooms. Pepper said, "Upon reflection, saw that there was a point in my day when I had to push through to finish a project by deadline even though my body was really needing a break. Happy that I didn't whip myself to do it, but rather was aware of the discomfort while continuing to do what I had to do." Nice, thanks for sharing that. Yay, that's a great practice report! Yay. And Shinny says, "Shame that I gave someone else an ouch." Ah, yeah. And that's something when shame comes up, of course, turning as Bill was reporting, turning the compassion back to oneself to hold the pain that's arising. One more reflection anonymously: "This meditation was deeply connecting to both release and refuge, and I wonder how to stay with the sorrow of the war that brings tears to my eyes, but not toppling." And the last couple of reflections. Also Deborah saying, "I've included Putin in my *mettā*[^4] list (referring to the conversation earlier). If someone like him acts in the way he is acting, he must be suffering, must need the same thing we all need." That is true indeed. It is said that "hurt people hurt people." It is so true. If people were not hurt, they wouldn't hurt others. Lastly from Sarah: "Thank you for this space of practice. It was challenging but I think it was good." So we're out of time. Thank you all for engaging with the practice tonight. May it have been nourishing, healing for you, and may it support you and support others in the way that we all show up in the world. May all beings be well. May all wings and beings, including ourselves, be free. Thanks everyone, take good care. See you on Wednesday. --- [^1]: **Tonglen:** A Tibetan Buddhist meditation practice of "giving and taking," where one visualizes taking in the suffering of others on the in-breath and sending them joy and relief on the out-breath. [^2]: **Heavenly Messengers:** (Devaduta in Pali) A Buddhist concept referring to aging, illness, and death, which serve as wake-up calls or "messengers" to remind us of the impermanence of life and the urgency of spiritual practice. [^3]: **Ryōkan Taigu** (1758–1831): A Zen Buddhist monk and poet who lived much of his life as a hermit in Japan, known for his deep compassion and poetry. Original transcript said 'Surya Khan', corrected to 'Ryōkan' based on context. [^4]: **Mettā:** A Pali word translating to loving-kindness, friendliness, or goodwill; a foundational Buddhist practice of cultivating unconditional positive regard for oneself and others.