--- ai_generation_date: '2026-07-18' ai_model: gemini-3-pro-preview audiodharma: talks: - date: '2021-12-15' mp3_url: https://audiodharma.us-east-1.linodeobjects.com/talks/14724/20211215-Gil_Fronsdal-IMC-dharmette_oneself_3_of_5_not_harming_oneself.mp3 speakers: - speaker_name: Gil Fronsdal speaker_url: https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/1 talk_start_time_seconds: 0 title: 'Dharmette: Oneself (3 of 5) Not Harming Oneself' url: https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/14724 video_unavailable: false location_city: Redwood City, CA video_unavailable: false youtube: id: QkktLqY9z5w imprecise_upload_date: '2022-05-04' title: Silent Meditation; Oneself (3 of 5) Not Harming Oneself upload_date: null uploader_str: Insight Meditation Center uploader_url: https://www.youtube.com/@InsightMeditationCenter youtube_url: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkktLqY9z5w --- # Dharmette: Oneself (3 of 5) Not Harming Oneself - [Gil Fronsdal](https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/1) *This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video above. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.* ## [Dharmette: Oneself (3 of 5) Not Harming Oneself](https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/14724) This is the third talk on the theme of oneself. We began Monday with the topic of self-respect. Perhaps self-respect is sometimes easier to come to than self-love or self-compassion. But to have a deep respect means that we try to understand it better; we make ourselves available to know it better. Yesterday was the topic of self-understanding—to really understand this person that we are. What drives us? What attitudes, beliefs, attachments, desires, and aversions do we have? We seek to understand ourselves so that we can be free. Today, the topic is not harming oneself. ## The Profound Nature of Non-Harming I find that this idea of non-harming—not harming others and not harming ourselves—is such a profound topic that it's easy to eclipse it with more inspiring topics of the Dharma[^1] or spirituality. The ideas of love, compassion, and generosity are inspiring. Wisdom is inspiring. The idea of freedom is inspiring. But it's also possible to be focused on those and not really understand the nature of harm. We might not understand the way the mind and heart work when we're harming ourselves. We might harm others out of impulsive speech and action that we never would have consciously planned, but it just blurts out of us. There are also subconscious ways we might speak to poke someone, express our hostility, or be a little bit mean. To value non-harming as a foundation, and to appreciate that it is a profound topic because it applies to so many areas, is essential. To live a life without self-harm and without harming others is a phenomenal life. It is a really good life. People learn to trust us, we can trust ourselves, and we can go anywhere we want without having to feel self-conscious that we're causing harm. It's the foundation for a peaceful life and a peaceful world. ## Holding Oneself Dear There is a verse in the suttas[^2] where the Buddha says: "Traveling in all directions with one's thoughts, nowhere can one find anyone dearer than oneself. In the same way, to each individual the self is most dear. Therefore, whoever loves oneself most doesn't harm others." Sometimes this idea of holding oneself dear, as valuable and precious, is seen as selfish. But there is a way in which it is not. The more respect, care, and appreciation we have for ourselves—seeing the value of not being harmed, not suffering, not having anyone steal, lie, or attack us—the more we can appreciate that this is true for other people as well. We allow them to be the person who is most precious to themselves, and imagine that they also do not want to be harmed. This combination of seeing oneself as valuable, and that translating to not causing harm and caring for others, is one of the wonderful principles of Buddhism. ## True Welfare and the Dhammapada There is a particular verse in the Dhammapada[^3] that can be quite challenging to read or to deal with. It begins with something that is not so difficult: "Don't give up your own welfare." But the next line says: "Don't give up your own welfare for the sake of others' welfare, however great." The idea that you wouldn't sacrifice your own welfare for the welfare of your children, your neighbors, or people who are suffering more than you goes against the grain for many people. But I think as we understand ourselves deeply, we realize it isn't that we're trying to be comfortable. It is that we have access to an inner sense of peace, an inner sense of non-harming. We don't harm ourselves through anger, contraction, attachments, expectations, bias, and all the ways in which we cause ourselves suffering. That is where the real welfare is. That profound welfare is how we keep the heart at peace, happy, and contented, even if we are uncomfortable. So, don't give up that welfare for someone else's welfare. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't benefit others or do things for them. Just don't sacrifice what is greatest and beautiful in yourself for that. Keep that, and help others. For example, if a neighbor has an emergency and you haven't eaten—and for your physical welfare you should eat, otherwise you'll get a headache—but your neighbor needs to get to the emergency immediately, I would hope you would sacrifice your meal. Sacrifice the absence of a headache to save the life of your neighbor. But in doing so, you don't have to sacrifice your heart. You don't have to give away your peace. You don't have to get agitated or contracted. ## The Labyrinth of the Mind This is where self-understanding is so important: to truly understand deeply where the refuge is within, and how we hold ourselves in safety in our hearts by not getting caught in our attachments. Not harming ourselves requires a lot of self-understanding. It requires sitting quietly and still, or finding any way to get underneath the surface of how we think—below the surface layer of our desires, wishes, preoccupations, and concerns. Still to this day, I can find myself in the labyrinth of my concerns and thoughts: *What should we do? What happens here? I have a lot to do and I have to figure this out.* I call it a labyrinth because sometimes there is no way to get out of it on its own terms. But if I sit and meditate, I will drop down into a deeper place of knowing, a deeper understanding, and a deeper way of thinking that isn't in a labyrinth of superficial or surface thoughts where preoccupations get lost. From that deeper place, there is no labyrinth. Then I realize, *Oh, now I understand myself, what needs to happen, and what the priority should be.* We need this ability to know oneself by dropping below the surface chatter of the mind and really feeling deeply what's happening in the heart, the body, and the mind. ## Dropping Below the Surface Eventually, we discover and understand the little movements or the big movements we have within that harm ourselves—being mean to ourselves, being judgmental, being in conflict with ourselves, or getting caught in desires. We might even pursue desires that will come back to harm us. For example, some addictive desires might bring pleasure in the short term but can ruin a life in the long term. If we overeat, it's pleasant, but then we feel groggy afterwards. Or if someone has an affair because it's pleasant in the moment, they realize afterwards how much harm it has caused to other people. We must deeply understand how we get caught in desires, cravings, and judgments, and learn how to give ourselves a phenomenal break. There is no need to be caught in the grip of desires or hostility towards ourselves. There is a place of respect deep within where it is okay to relax. It's okay to just be. It's okay to be here, just breathing below the surface level of chatter, desire, and hostility. Those are just levels; a labyrinth we get caught in. But as we sit quietly, learn to let go, quiet the mind and the thoughts, and drop down to this deeper place—the deeper calm we can experience—the more we'll understand ourselves. We will understand when the little impulses arise. Even the slightest impulse that involves self-harm has an "ouch" in it. Then we learn, *I don't have to do that. I can let go of that.* ## Conclusion Practicing non-self-harm comes partly because we cherish and value ourselves, and partly because it is simply so painful to harm ourselves. Discovering the wellsprings of non-harming within is a foundation for caring for the world and others. We come into the world and meet others in a very different way if we have learned the skill and capacity to minimize, and eventually stop, how we bring about self-harm. Don't sacrifice that absence of self-harm. Don't sacrifice that peace. It is a foundation from which to meet others and care for the world, and that can be done tirelessly, with tremendous dedication. So regarding the quote, "Don't give up your own welfare for the sake of others' welfare, however great," yes, don't do that. But if you maintain your profound inner welfare, you will have a lot more energy to care for the people in your life, both known and unknown, and throughout the whole world. Not harming oneself. Thank you. --- [^1]: **Dharma:** The teachings of the Buddha; the truth of the way things are. [^2]: **Suttas:** The discourses and teachings of the Buddha. [^3]: **Dhammapada:** A collection of sayings of the Buddha in verse form and one of the most widely read and best known Buddhist scriptures.