--- ai_generation_date: '2026-09-21' ai_model: gemini-3-pro-preview audiodharma: talks: - date: '2021-03-09' mp3_url: https://audiodharma.us-east-1.linodeobjects.com/talks/13111/20210309-Nikki_Mirghafori-IMC-happy_hour_spacious_equanimity.mp3 speakers: - speaker_name: Nikki Mirghafori speaker_url: https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/229 talk_start_time_seconds: 0 title: 'Happy Hour: Spacious Equanimity' url: https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/13111 video_unavailable: false location_city: Redwood City, CA video_unavailable: false youtube: id: WpWEDCS1Haw imprecise_upload_date: '2021-05-04' title: 'Happy Hour: Spacious Equanimity' upload_date: null uploader_str: Insight Meditation Center uploader_url: https://www.youtube.com/@InsightMeditationCenter youtube_url: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpWEDCS1Haw --- # Happy Hour: Spacious Equanimity - [Nikki Mirghafori](https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/229) _This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video above. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers._ ## [Happy Hour: Spacious Equanimity](https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/13111) ## Introduction Hello everyone, and welcome to Happy Hour! If you can hear me okay, please give me a thumbs up on the audio. Fantastic. Great. Welcome. We have a minute or two to say hellos and warm up the space with our voices. I'm Nikki, and I'm in Mountain View, California, seated on unceded Ohlone land. Today it's cloudy outside, a little drizzly. Who's here who wants to say hello? Susan: Hi, I'm Susan. I use she/her pronouns, and I'm on unceded Ohlone land of the Amah Mutsun tribe and the Awaswas-speaking peoples. I'm really grateful to be with you all. Nikki: Thanks, Susan. I'm grateful you're here practicing with the sangha. Welcome. Hello to Marie-Christine from down under in Sydney, Australia. How's the weather on your end today? Tell us in your summer—oh, she says it's warm. Great! And hello from Dallas. Glad to be with the sangha, says Bill. Hello Violet from rainy San Francisco. Yep, it's drizzly down here, I guess more rainy up there. Anybody else want to say hi before we get started? Oh, we have Elsa. Hi from Jonathan from Walnut Creek, and Kevin says hello from Millbrae, plain rain in the Bay Area. Hello to Dawn from beautiful Islamabad. Good morning to you, Dawn. Lovely to have you from beautiful Islamabad. How's the weather? Tell us. And hello Jesse from San Rafael. Is it raining in San Rafael, Jesse? Yeah, light spring rain. Same here. Hi from Nancy in Redwood City; it started raining here and my newly planted plants are delighted. Oh, yay! Nice. And Dawn says great weather in Islamabad. Lovely. It is so sweet to get these weather reports from different places in the world in different time zones. Let's get started. Thank you, Neil from New Hampshire, for putting the information about the Happy Hour Google group where information can be shared and connection with sangha members can happen. I will change the settings before we get into the little dharmette[^1] and guided meditation, so there will be no accidental unmuting. Let's change those settings. All the chats will come to me if there's anything urgent you need to communicate. Starting the recording for the sake of AudioDharma. ## Guided Meditation Welcome to Happy Hour. For today's practice together, I'd like to offer a practice as we continue exploring the formal practice of _upekkhā_[^2]—cultivating equanimity. The category we'll work with today is the benefactor. A benefactor is someone who has supported us, who has been there for us in some way. Maybe not in every aspect of our lives, but they've supported us. It could be a friend who has been there for us in challenging times, a parent, a relative, a coach, or a teacher. Someone with whom we feel this relationship—we've benefited from their goodwill, from their support in some way in our lives. Again, it doesn't have to be continuous and all the time, but maybe at some point in our lives, or right now, this benefactor has been of support to us. Regarding the practice of _upekkhā_ as a cultivation practice, since it is the fourth _brahmavihāra_[^3], the word itself in Pali relates to having a wider perspective. Having a bird's-eye view, seeing more fully. So the idea of cultivating equanimity is that when you have a wider perspective—instead of having a narrow perspective of, "Oh, this is awful, this is terrible, they will never change," or "It's all my fault," or "It's their fault," the rumination and loops that our human minds tend to fall into—if we intentionally make our perspective wider to look more fully, as if you were sitting on top of a mountain and seeing everything that's going on... Everything that has happened in the past, will happen in the future, right now, for all beings. With this sense of a large perspective, the heart relaxes. The heart relaxes when you see the perspective of what has been, what may become, the impermanence, all the causes and conditions. The heart can relax with the space of equanimity and equipoise. We'll start with settling in with our breath and our bodies for the beginning of the practice, for roughly the first ten minutes. And then we'll turn our attention, as I will guide us, into cultivating equanimity for the life of the benefactor. Let's practice. I invite you to get into your meditation posture, whatever it might be. If you need to lie down because that's what your body needs, that's okay. If you need to sit up straighter, or relax, allowing your spine to be straight. Landing, relaxing, softening into this body. Relaxing your feet. Feeling your feet on the floor. Connected, rooted. Relaxing your legs. Letting go of any holding or tightness in the lower legs and upper legs. Relaxing your sit bones from the inside. Letting the entire weight of your torso drop into your sit bones. Further relaxing your legs. Any tension being held in your lower abdomen, your groin area, let it be dropped inward into the cushion. Let your abdomen feel soft. Receiving the breath. Softening, relaxing your neck and shoulders. Dropping the weight of your arms. Letting your hands be soft, any tension melting. Inviting any holding or tightness in your face to melt. The muscles of your forehead, behind your eyes, behind your cheeks, your chin, muscles of the jaw. With the next out-breath, letting the tension drop even more deeply. Feeling the entire body relax. Relaxed and soft. The breath received in the lower abdomen. Here. Now. If you notice the center of gravity has gone up into the head—thinking, thinking—invite the center of gravity to be lowered. Lowered to the lower abdomen, the sit bones. Inviting the thoughts, the thinking to settle. In this moment, there is no need right now for these thoughts. Gently telling them, "Thank you, not now. Come back later." Releasing, letting go, dropping in. Just this breath. Taking refuge away from thoughts and preoccupations in this moment. Collecting, gathering yourself safely right here. Receiving the breath in the abdomen. Settled, grounded. Sensing, feeling this body stable, grounded, connected to the earth. Being breathed. Now, as you feel your body, your legs, your feet, your sit bones connected to the floor, to the cushion, feeling the earth—embodiment is so important in all practices, especially practicing equanimity. Sensing the body, feeling the stability of groundedness, connection, the touch points. As you feel the body and the breath moving through, imagine you are sitting on top of a mountain. Well connected to the earth, you have a wide perspective. Sitting, being breathed, relaxed comfortably with a 360-degree view all around. Of the valleys, rivers, trees, greenery, the sky, clouds. A sense of having a wide perspective. Let your body relax with the spaciousness all around, as far as the eye can see. Spaciousness. Sitting and being breathed in this body. A sense of spaciousness of vision. Proverbially, having a wider, expansive, spacious perspective that makes the heart relax, open up. Not feeling confounded into a narrow, tight perspective, but a wide perspective of seeing so many possibilities. Perhaps even this represents seeing the causes and conditions, so many influences on the unfolding of events. Past to present, future. Space and time. Just sitting, being breathed, letting the body be relaxed in this spaciousness. Being a part of all this. Now, with this sense of spaciousness, bringing to mind your benefactor. Someone who has been there for you, supported you in some way in your life. A teacher, a friend, even a parent, a relative, or even a pet that you feel is your benefactor, your supporter. Someone who has been there for you in some way. Bring this being to mind under this wide perspective, allowing yourself to connect with one aspect of this being's life that is somewhat challenging. Challenging for them. Let yourself connect with this benefactor with a sense of care, a sense of gratitude, a sense of goodwill. You care for them, and you're concerned for their well-being. And you feel their challenge. For this practice, just as you're connecting, having this sense of goodwill, care, holding presence, not turning away from this benefactor. Feeling a sense of connection to them. Holding it with care, and with a sense of spaciousness, of equanimity. See if this kind of relationship can be established. Connected, acknowledging, appreciative, caring. Caring for the being, and spaciously holding their circumstances. I will offer a few phrases of equanimity. Stay with whichever works for you. _I care for you, but I cannot control your happiness and unhappiness._ _Whether I understand it or not, things are unfolding according to a lawful nature._ _May I, may you, or may we accept the arising and passing of things with equanimity and peace._ _I care about you, and I trust that you have your own journey._ Staying connected to your body, a sense of spaciousness, as if sitting on a mountaintop, connected to this person, this benefactor. Your appreciation and care for them, and holding their challenge with equanimity, equipoise. _May I, may you, may we accept and be at peace with things as they are._ And for the last couple of minutes of this practice, letting there be ease, acceptance, equanimity with whatever arose during this practice period. Whether thoughts arose, distracted mind, sleepiness, restlessness. _May I accept, may I be at peace with the comings and goings of events in this mind and heart._ _May I accept, be at peace, have equanimity. Hold spaciousness and relaxedness with whatever arose which cannot be changed._ _I appreciate that I showed up, that I practiced as best as I was able to, and have equanimity with the rest._ _May all beings be at peace. May all beings everywhere be free._ Thank you all for your practice. ## Reflections and Q&A So, I'm so calm I can barely speak. [Laughter] I'd love to invite you to share reflections about what you discovered in this practice today. You can type them in the chat. If you type "practice" and then send them privately to me, I won't say your name publicly. If you raise your Zoom hand, you can share your questions or reflections for the benefit of the sangha. So many different aspects and elements to this. Nicholas, please. Nicholas: An image that was helpful and resonated with me is that I sit with my one palm in the other palm, and the image was of a person walking on the earth. The earth is kind of this vast thing supporting them, right? There's a care, and the earth meets your feet—like every step you take, there is this meeting. So there's a care, but it's very vast. It's not like the earth is fixated on each little step that you take. I just felt like there was a vastness in my palms, like my palms could hold the person and meet them with the same spaciousness that their feet meet the earth. That helped me find a lot of big space to hold them and still care for them. Nikki: Beautiful. Thanks for sharing that, Nicholas. I love feeling into what you just described—this palm holding the other palm. This physicality of you actually feeling this sense of support, and then connecting that physicality and embodiment to stepping on this earth and being supported. The spaciousness of the earth, in a way. As I say that, I think of the sutta[^4] about the four elements. The air element, the spaciousness of how air and space are so supportive. And then the earth, the expansiveness of earth being so supportive. So bringing the earth element into your practice is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. It's lovely. Any other reflections? Ah, I see on YouTube, when I invited Clifton to share how the weather was in Bangkok, it came in later when we had started the practice: "Smoggy and humid here today, but there's blue in the sky." That's almost like equanimity practice. Yeah, smoggy and humid, but blue in the sky can all be held in the expansiveness of the sky. Other reflections, other questions? What did you notice? What came up for you? What was easy or challenging? It's all good, all welcome. Nancy says, "Embracing the individual choices others make, even though they may differ from what we would do." Yes. Yeah. And for the heart to be at peace with those choices and with the unfolding, that each being has their own journey, as we wish them well. Continuing to have the sense of care for them, but this sense of spaciousness, of space, of earth. I appreciate that. Any other reflections? Questions, comments, complaints? What did you observe? Susan says, "I know that I need to hear about embodiment a trillion more times." Thanks, Susan. I will say it a trillion more times! Every practice session. It's so important in practice, I can't emphasize it enough. I think in my practice, also, I discovered how important embodiment is. One reflection coming in: "I had a repetitive aloof voice that kept repeating, 'Not my problem, not my problem, not my problem,' every time I tried to picture another person's troubles." Okay, great. I'm so glad you shared this, this is fantastic. This will come up, of course, as I've mentioned the near and far enemies. The near enemy of equanimity is aloofness—a kind of indifference, like, "Not my problem, not my problem." So the invitation here, if that comes up for you—and for others, because it will come up in this practice—is to first take a step back and really go back into the sense of connection with the person. Feel your care for the benefactor, remembering that they've been there for you and you really care for this person, and connect with their humanity. When that is really firmly established, then that might be a good time to slowly bring in the problem they're facing. See if that might be a gentler way to connect. I hope that's helpful. Kim says, "A thought of problems came into my head, and I slid into practicing equanimity with the issue and found spaciousness and peace." Nice. So the practice of equanimity in this case turned to the problems that came into your own head, problem-solving, and equanimity. Lovely, great. That's perfectly fine too, turning the practice where it's appropriate, where it's needed. Lovely. Dear ones, with equanimity and spaciousness of heart, let's turn our hearts to supporting and practicing spaciously with each other. The invitation now for the small groups is that we'll spend 30 seconds first with silent _mettā_[^5], just wishing the others well. Connecting with their humanity, knowing that they're wishing us well in the same 30 silent seconds, and then opening up to whatever you'd like to share. I see a question that just came in. I'll address this after we come back from small groups. See if you can have equanimity and spaciousness, either with a sense of space or a sense of embodiment, physicality, the earth element supporting yourself, and inviting others to feel supported in your heart in this way. I'll set up the groups so you can continue to practice equanimity while I make them. Here we go. They are open now. Enjoy. _(Break for small groups)_ Welcome back, everyone. We have a couple of minutes for reflections. I'll address the question that came in just before we went into groups, and then I see Marie-Christine's hand is up. The question that came through was: "How to help someone who's suffering, and at the same time, let them be and understand that they have their own journey?" That's a great question. It's the "both/and." It's the "both/and" of caring for someone, supporting them compassionately, not just saying, "Oh, you have your own journey, you're suffering, it's okay, you have your own journey." We're not saying, "I need to fix this for you." It's both. It's really finding the balance, and that's what makes being human, having relationships, and having a compassionate heart interesting. Because you want to care and support others, but also realize that yes, they have their own journey. So it's both. There might be more to your question that's more interactive, but I think at this point I'll leave it at that. If there is more, you can raise your hand and we can discuss it. Marie-Christine, please. Marie-Christine: I was explaining to the group that, while we might be saying in equanimity, "I care for you, I wish you well, but I'm not responsible for your happiness or your sadness," I kind of think we're not islands. What about the responsibility that perhaps I should take if my actions or wrong speech have actually caused unhappiness? I know it's quite common now to say, "Oh, you can make choices and you're solely responsible for how you feel," but we're all interdependent. What happens to that part where I have to take responsibility because maybe I put my foot in it and actually upset someone? Nikki: Yeah, exactly. There are so many different practices, and there's the right practice at the right time. Trying to say, "May you have equanimity with me having hurt you," obviously is not a very wise way to go about it! So it sounds like equanimity might just be a hammer in this situation, and it may not be the right tool. This might actually need a pair of pliers—like, "Let me pull out that nail that I just hammered in," rather than... I don't know, that was a terrible metaphor, but you get the picture! Thank you so much, Marie-Christine. Thank you. Any other questions? A reflection from the person who had asked the earlier question? If there's any follow-up you want to type or raise your hand, we can follow up on that. You're welcome to. I'll give it a moment. Okay. All right. Thank you all for practicing these practices, both for your own benefit and to serve all whose lives you touch directly and indirectly. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including ourselves. Thank you all. And now, as has become our tradition, I'm going to... --- [^1]: **Dharmette:** A brief Dharma talk or short teaching. [^2]: **Upekkhā:** A Pali word often translated as "equanimity" or "equipoise." [^3]: **Brahmavihāra:** The four "sublime attitudes" or "divine abodes" in Buddhist practice: _mettā_ (loving-kindness), _karuṇā_ (compassion), _muditā_ (sympathetic joy), and _upekkhā_ (equanimity). [^4]: **Sutta:** A discourse or teaching of the Buddha. [^5]: **Mettā:** A Pali word meaning loving-kindness or goodwill.