---
ai_generation_date: '2026-05-29'
ai_model: gemini-3-pro-preview
audiodharma:
  talks:
  - date: '2022-12-19'
    mp3_url: https://audiodharma.us-east-1.linodeobjects.com/talks/17425/20221219-Nikki_Mirghafori-IMC-happy_hour_gentle_and_fierce_self-compassion.mp3
    speakers:
    - speaker_name: Nikki Mirghafori
      speaker_url: https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/229
    talk_start_time_seconds: 0
    title: 'Happy Hour: Gentle and Fierce Self-Compassion'
    url: https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/17425
    video_unavailable: false
location_city: Redwood City, CA
video_unavailable: false
youtube:
  id: YSuqQDvoiTs
  imprecise_upload_date: '2023-05-04'
  title: 'Happy Hour: Gentle and Fierce Self-Compassion'
  upload_date: null
  uploader_str: Insight Meditation Center
  uploader_url: https://www.youtube.com/@InsightMeditationCenter
youtube_url: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSuqQDvoiTs
---

# Happy Hour: Gentle and Fierce Self-Compassion - [Nikki Mirghafori](https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/229)

*This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video above. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.*


## [Happy Hour: Gentle and Fierce Self-Compassion](https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/17425)

## Introduction

Okay, great. So, dear ones, welcome.

For tonight's practice, I'd like to invite us to engage with self-compassion—both the soft, gentle, nurturing style of self-compassion, as well as what actually feels like fierce self-compassion. There's a sense of strength, a brightness, and it's very loving and also powerful at the same time. I invite us to engage in both of those ways.

Especially as we are in the holidays in the US, it can be a joyous time for many, and it can be a stressful time for many, for a variety of reasons. Of course, let us not assume that everybody else's experience is like ours, or those who are getting together with family. It's great for us perhaps to acknowledge and consider that for some people, maybe if they've experienced loss, this might be a difficult, stressful time.

And of course, the two can coexist together; joy and sorrow can exist together. One does not negate the other. We can hold joy, delight, happiness, and gratitude, and our heart can also hold challenge, difficulty, and perhaps sadness or melancholy at the same time. Our heart is so expansive that they can both be present, and it's okay. In fact, the state of equanimity[^1], or equipoise, allows us to be with everything that arises as a part of this human condition.

Self-compassion can be a healing wand, both for us, and as we have it for ourselves, it can support others. The very first step towards self-compassion is acknowledging—actually realizing—that we're hurting. That seems kind of simple and straightforward, but actually, that first step of realizing and knowing that we're hurting, we often miss. We often kick ourselves in the shins: "Okay, get going," or "Why are you being XYZ?" calling ourselves names, and not realizing that actually, "Oh, this being who is me is having a hard time right now. I'm having a hard time. This is difficult."

If anyone else was in my shoes right now—with this background, with these genes, with this upbringing, with this set of life experiences—they would be having the same challenge, the same difficulty. So it could just be as simple as, "This is hard right now." That simple recognition can help transform us from kicking ourselves and adding more insult to injury, versus cutting ourselves a little bit of slack, bringing more kindness, bringing more compassion.

Ah, finding our balance through gentleness and kindness. And then maybe some fierceness—some compassionate power and accountability for ourselves that we couldn't have before because it hurt too much, can then show up. Together with kindness, compassionate accountability can come in as a sense of fierce compassion.

I'll invite us to play with these concepts. If it just seems too heady right now—"What is she talking about?"—don't worry about it. I'm just introducing some ideas, and I'll guide us in the guided meditation for us to explore. For each person, the exploration might lead you to different places, and that's perfectly okay. Trust your own wisdom. Trust what is appropriate for you right now.

## Guided Meditation

With that, let's transition into our sitting practice.

I invite you to arrive in your body. As always, we're going to start with settling in the body. Arriving, settling with the breath, with the sensations of the body. Taking refuge in this moment, in the simplicity of this moment of just sitting and being breathed.

Letting go of the busyness that might have come before. Just resting. Resting with the breath. So sweet, so nourishing to just be here. Just here, that's it. Nowhere to go, nothing to do in this moment.

And if thoughts arise and want to take you away—nothing wrong with thinking per se, but right now tell them, "Not now, thank you. Come back later." With ease, with a smile, tell them you're giving your heart to this practice right now. You want to stay. You want to stay. Later. And let's stay.

The breath releasing into the body. One breath at a time. Here, just here. Letting go of thought balloons. Ah, feeling lighter as you let go. Feeling your heart lighter. Feeling more grounded. Grounded, heavy, connected to the earth, to this body. Holding dichotomies.

Here, just here. Settling. Arriving. Connecting with the entirety of the in-breath. With kindness, receiving the entire in-breath in the abdomen. Receiving the entire out-breath. Allowing them to ground you, support you in stillness. And with each out-breath, letting go. Your neck and shoulders, the stress, the holding, tightness. The eyes in their sockets, let them rest. Hands, let them relax. Your feet, ah, give their weight off to the earth.

Receive this in-breath as if it were your first breath, as if your first and last in-breath. Same with the out-breath.

Receive the entire out-breath as a gift.

If there are distracting thoughts, or planning, or memories, it's okay. Be kind to yourselves. They arise. It's part of being human, part of the monkey mind. Be kind, be gentle. Bow to them, smile. "Thank you, not now." Release them with ease. Ah, letting go.

Connecting with the breath, with the body. Here I am. Here I am, here in this moment. Letting yourself be breathed. Gently, gently. Continuing to be breathed. Connecting with the breath. In-breath, out-breath.

Continue to feel embodied, feeling the breath in the body, the sensations of the breath. The sensations of your sit bones on the cushion or the chair, your hands on your lap, your feet on the earth.

I invite a sense, a feeling of yourself, this being who is you, as if a beloved other. A dear friend, someone you care about dearly. You want this person, you want this being to be safe and happy, just as you would want that for a dear friend, or a child, or a pet.

If it might be helpful, you can even take the perspective of a fully compassionate being. Say, the Buddha[^2] or Kuan Yin[^3], an exemplary paragon of compassion. Just accepting you completely. Seeing you with kind eyes. Holding you with care. Knowing that you're fully deserving of love, compassion, and goodness, just as you are. Just as you are. You don't have to earn it to deserve it. Just as you are.

Just because you are a human, and being human is hard enough. Hard enough. You're held by the Buddha, by Kuan Yin, or any other compassionate being that you'd like to conjure up. This being knows your ups and downs, all the challenges of your life. Understands and accepts you just as you are. Your body can feel safe, relax. Feel seen and held.

If instead of an archetypal figure, someone from your life connects better for you who has held you with love and care, feel free to conjure them up and their sense of acceptance. See what works for you. Or it could even be a pet that has offered you a complete sense of acceptance and love.

With your body, feel at ease receiving the sense of acceptance. This unconditional compassion. Let your heart put its weight down.

And now, if you would like, in the space of being held, bring to mind, bring to your heart, maybe something that has been hard for you recently. Not the most difficult thing, but something that's been a little difficult. Just a little bit. Maybe a pain in the body. Something challenging that happened. Let yourself acknowledge: "Yeah, this was hard. This is hard." Just as this loving presence would know, this loving, compassionate being who knows you: "Yeah, this was challenging for you. This is challenging, and it's okay." They see that. Let yourself acknowledge without falling into grief or sadness, but just acknowledging: "Yeah, this is hard."

And it's okay. I can hold it. I can hold it with care. Not self-criticism, but, "Yeah, this is hard." Ah, let your body soften, let your heart soften. Let this acknowledgment of the challenge be held with kindness. "Anyone in my situation would have felt the same, would have felt challenged. May I have ease. I wish myself ease and freedom from this challenge. May I hold myself with kindness and acceptance. May I offer myself safety and generosity of spirit, with respect to this challenge especially."

Just as this compassionate being holds you with care and compassion, holding yourself with care and compassion.

And maybe, as you hold yourself with the recognition of the difficulty and with compassion, a brightness awakens. The brightness, the power of compassion. As compassion, together with its soothing nature, also empowers you from within your heart. Feeling soothed feels more ready to take on, to be with what's difficult, what's challenging for you.

So compassion—maybe you can feel that it's both soothing, calming, nurturing, and empowering at the same time. And if the empowering aspect of it isn't clear, lean into the soothing, calming, nourishing, healing. And when enough healing has happened, the heart will feel more whole and more empowered in its own healing. See and explore for yourself.

And as we begin to bring this seated practice to an end together, offering kindness to yourself for whatever arose and did not arise. Letting your sense of goodness and kindness, however much you were in touch with it, let it shine. Let it shine internally and externally for the benefit of yourself and others equally. It's a gift to ourselves, our practice. It's a gift to others. Same, same.

And may our practice be a support for our awakening and the awakening of all beings everywhere. May all beings be free. May all beings be happy.

## Reflections and Q&A

Thanks everyone. Thanks for your practice. Ah, and I certainly feel happier, calmer, and practice is sweet. It's so sweet, lovely to share it with you in community, in Sangha[^4]. So we have time for reflections, questions, comments. And I invite you, if you wish, for the benefit of yourself to share and be witnessed, and for the benefit of others, what came up? What did you discover?

**Stephanie:**
So, it's funny. I had a meeting with a meditation teacher I work with today, and she was talking to me about self-compassion. So when I showed up on this call, it was funny that that's what we're talking about. So I really got a lot out of the practice, as I always do your practices, Nikki. And really appreciate it. I will definitely have to listen to this one again.

**Nikki:**
Hmm, thanks Stephanie. Thanks for sharing the serendipity, synchrony that has happened for you. And I'm delighted that these offerings are supportive to you. Yay, thank you. Thank you for being part of the Sangha, Stephanie. Dan?

**Dan:**
Hi, thanks Nikki. I don't quite know my difficulty. Maybe you might have some comments or insights. I have no trouble whatsoever being compassionate to the fifth, seventh, eighth level of compassion for *you*, but I can never make it past two for myself. It seems self-centered, it seems selfish. Give me some perspective here, please.

**Nikki:**
Ah, thank you Dan, this is such an important question. And it's important to bring this up as you well articulated it. First, to say it is very common. It is so common for many, many people to have this sense that it's easier to give compassion to others, and for ourselves it's a little more challenging. You named a couple of blocks that you mentioned: it feels self-centered, you said selfish.

There are many blocks to compassion. One is, "Oh, if you become compassionate, especially self-compassionate, then you will not get anything done because you'll lie on the couch and eat bonbons all day." So there are lots of fears of compassion. The one that you named is one of them, that it just feels like, "Oh, it's not appropriate somehow, that I'm being selfish and there's so much need in the world, and here I am trying to be kind to myself."

And there might be more there. I'm going to ask you to unmute if there's more there if you want to share, so that we get to the crux of it. Or is that it basically?

**Dan:**
That's the short of it. I've done both Buddhist meditation and sort of non-denominational meditation on and off for a number of years. I come from a classic Christian background with lots of doctrinal theology[^5] and stuff. I'm old enough to go back to the Latin Mass and stuff like that, so I've got a lot of time on the meter, so to speak. Despite your kind words, I'm going to have to reflect on this.

**Nikki:**
Oh, we're not finished yet! We're not finished. I just wanted to give you a chance to reflect some more.

**Dan:**
I was just formulating the problem before getting into it.

**Nikki:**
Good, excellent. Let me take it, if I may. Thank you for more background. Here's a couple of things to consider. One is that this challenge could be a sense of perspective. Consider the perspective: what are the thoughts that are creating the block? Actually catalog them. I invite you to journal, write down: "Okay, maybe there's a sense I'm not deserving. Maybe a sense that it's a waste of my time, other people are needed more. Or I need to earn it." Whatever the perspective is, there could be a dime a dozen. And then try to catalog them. Is that really true? Is that *really*, really true?

And with kindness: "Okay, I don't deserve it." The thought might come, "I don't deserve it." I don't know if that's the case or not, but I'm just giving an example. Say, "Well actually, is that really true?" And then reflect on that. Given that you have a rich background with different theologies, well, every human being... maybe I'll use Christian language for a moment: God loves everyone. I'm as deserving as everybody else, why wouldn't I be deserving of love and my own compassion?

So examine all these unseen assumptions that there might be, that when you're in meditation, they just come up and the mind believes them, and it just blocks, and that's it. Take time with kindness to examine all these hidden perspectives.

And also, one more to add is that if we really fill our own cup with our own compassion, with our own kindness first, then we don't go around basically through the whole world saying, "Love me, love me, love me, take care of me." Because we might be doing that subconsciously. But if there's a sense of acceptance and love for this being who is me—as if it's the third person—then there's a sense of contentment as a base for compassion for others, actually. And as you mentioned, you know, you can have level seven or eight for me and two for yourself right now, and that'll become a ten for yourself and ten for me. It will just open up those blocks that there are. So offering that for your reflection, Dan. Yeah, thanks for being here. Beautiful.

Serena, I see your hand up, and we'll let this be the last reflection before we transition to the groups.

**Serena:**
Thank you so much for this opportunity, much appreciated. I have a really difficult time... well, one of the things that happens to me during meditation was that I was at a meeting before I came on, and I stood up very strongly to someone of a certain point of view. I could really feel, on one hand, I was feeling a lot of strength within myself, which I haven't been feeling at all. As a matter of fact, I've been quite depressed for a few months. I'm just kind of wondering how to be with that kind of strength, and standing-up kind of energy, and having compassion for it.

**Nikki:**
Yeah, I did get the gist of the question. Thanks, Serena. Given that the time is short, I'd like to respond in this way. How to balance that? Actually, fierce compassion is loving. You can, as you said, stand up to someone, but not from hatred, and not from, "Well, I'm gonna show you!" but actually loving them, and loving yourself, and out of love for the community, or out of love for the cause, out of love for what it is you're doing, instead of resentment or anger. That's how you bring these two together.

It might sound like a tall order, but it isn't. It's something that I do trust every single one of us can do if we practice. And that's why we come, that's why we practice, so that this becomes the natural tendency. So that's what I'd like to offer for your reflection, Serena. Thank you so much.

## Small Groups and Conclusion

Okay, let's transition now. It's 10 minutes till the hour. Let's transition to small groups. The groups will be sizes of roughly three, and each person is invited to just share something from their experience, or say "pass," and hold a compassionate space for others.

The prompt is simply: How does self-compassion... when you experience self-compassion, do you notice that there is some gentleness, some kindness, some ease with suffering? Do you notice how self-compassion actually can hold the suffering? And can you see how it actually brings more resilience? So that exploration. Your answer might be, "No, I haven't really thought about this connection at all." Or, "Oh, yeah, actually I see that when I was kind to myself, there were some resources or strength that I realized I had."

So that's the exploration. Each person will say maybe one minute, and then the next person another minute, and the next person another minute. Then you go round and round and make sure everybody gets the chance to speak. Hold back from the full story, just give it a little bit, and it'll come back to you. Be kind, take care of yourselves, take care of each other.

I'm going to create the rooms now, and here we go.

*[Small Groups Session]*

Okay, all the rooms are closed, everybody is back. And we're at time. So just to honor the timeliness, I'm going to close and dedicate the merit of our practice together. I hope and trust that the small groups were nourishing, and you're welcome to share any reflections or shares in chat if you like, while I thank you all for your practice, both for your own sake and the sake of everyone whose lives yours touches. May all beings be well, may all beings be free and happy, including ourselves.

Thanks everyone. Bye.

---

[^1]: **Equanimity:** (Upekkhā in Pali). A state of balanced, calm awareness, allowing one to observe the present moment without being caught up by grasping or aversion.
[^2]: **The Buddha:** Siddhartha Gautama, the historical founder of Buddhism who achieved full awakening.
[^3]: **Kuan Yin (Guanyin):** The bodhisattva of compassion in East Asian Buddhism, known for hearing the cries of the world. (Original transcript said 'kuanian', corrected to 'Kuan Yin' based on context.)
[^4]: **Sangha:** The Buddhist community of monks, nuns, novices, and laity. More broadly, the community of practitioners.
[^5]: **Original transcript said 'optional Theology', corrected to 'doctrinal theology' based on context.**