---
ai_generation_date: '2026-05-03'
ai_model: gemini-3-pro-preview
audiodharma:
  talks:
  - date: '2023-10-02'
    mp3_url: https://audiodharma.us-east-1.linodeobjects.com/talks/18973/20231002-Diana_Clark-IMC-the_comparing_mind.mp3
    speakers:
    - speaker_name: Diana Clark
      speaker_url: https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/240
    talk_start_time_seconds: 0
    title: The Comparing Mind
    url: https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/18973
    video_unavailable: true
location_city: Redwood City, CA
video_unavailable: true
youtube:
  id: _0tkRJcNkvc
  imprecise_upload_date: null
  title: The Comparing Mind with Diana Clark
  upload_date: '2023-10-03'
  uploader_str: Insight Meditation Center
  uploader_url: https://www.youtube.com/@InsightMeditationCenter
youtube_url: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0tkRJcNkvc
---

# The Comparing Mind - [Diana Clark](https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/240)

*This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video above. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.*


## [The Comparing Mind](https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/18973)

Good evening and welcome, everybody. It is nice to see you all. 

Today, I would like to talk a little bit more about a topic that I introduced last week. It is perfectly fine if you didn't hear last week's talk, but it is not unusual that when we are meditating—especially for a longer sit of maybe 45 minutes—we might notice this thought, this narration, this inner dialogue or conversation that is happening. It might be something like, "I can't meditate," or, "Well, I've been practicing for so long, and still, here it is after 45 minutes. When is this dang bell going to ring anyways? Is she awake?" [Laughter]

At the same time we are thinking, "I can't meditate," or "My mind is out of control," within that exact same minute, we might have another thought: "Well, I'm sitting up straighter than that other person," or, "I'm quieter than that other person." There are these ways in which we have thoughts where we are comparing ourselves to others. Sometimes we think that we are better, sometimes we think that we are worse, and sometimes we think that we are the same. However it is, it is pretty common to compare ourselves. It is also pretty common that in these comparisons, we come up feeling not so good. There is a way in which we are kind of beating ourselves up.

## The Inner Critic

There is an inner critic that gets activated, and it can seem to be pretty persuasive, authoritative, and loud. I have talked about this inner critic a number of times in a number of different settings, but I think it is an important thing to just talk about because it has such a big influence on us, whether we recognize it or not. 

First, I will spend a moment describing this inner critic. It is this inner voice that is constantly putting us down and belittling us. It has this self-judgment and negativity: "You can't do this," or, "Gosh, you won't be able to do it." Some of the things that we say to ourselves are just awful: "You're a loser," or whatever it might be. We would never say these things to anybody else, but sometimes we say them to ourselves, blaming ourselves for any experience of discomfort or noticing how the mind is seemingly out of control and can't quite get it to settle down. There is this way that this inner critic is nagging at us, wanting us to behave differently and be better somehow, even if it is not even clear exactly what this "better" is. 

It is fascinating to me how it also comes with a sense of shame. This feeling of inadequacy is like we shouldn't be this way, that there is something inherently wrong with us. Of course, none of these things are true, but we believe them. We believe so many of our thoughts. We have these thoughts and assume, "I'm having it, it must be true." So much about practice is seeing how we don't have to believe our thoughts. 

I also want to point out one more thing about this inner critic: it has a tone of harshness. It is not a kind, warm, loving thing. It creates an environment or climate of harshness, as opposed to warmth and kindness. This feeling of inadequacy—of not being enough, or somehow feeling that who I am or how I am is not enough—is often based on comparing. Whether that comparing is explicit or implicit, there is a way in which we are comparing ourselves to an idea we have about how we should be, an idea about how other people are, or maybe an idea of how we have been in the past. We might have this glorified ideal out there somewhere, and then we notice our experience and the gap, and think, "There is something wrong with me, terribly wrong with me," or we feel unworthy because we are not meeting whatever we are comparing ourselves to.

## Making a Self

Something I want to introduce is this whole activity of comparing. I am talking about how we compare and find ourselves falling short, but this activity of comparing ourselves to others or to how we used to be—whether we think we are better, worse, or the same—is one way in which we are creating a sense of "me." It creates a sense of "I am like this." 

This is subtle, but it is also pervasive. We may be so accustomed to it that we don't even notice it. There is this reification, this solidity, this sense of "I'm like this and I'm always like this." We have this idea that just to be me means to have this inherent quality: "I am a terrible meditator; I'll never be able to meditate correctly." For me, I certainly had this idea that whatever I was doing wasn't enough. I felt like I had to do more, work harder, get more education, work longer hours, or move up the corporate ladder back when I was in corporate America. I had this feeling that it always had to be more. It is exhausting. Some of you might have noticed this. 

It didn't matter what I compared myself to. At that time, I am not even sure I would have been able to articulate this to you. Looking back from this vantage point, I can see it so clearly, but when I was in the midst of it, it was just natural. Of course, all my peers had this feeling too; this is often how organizations work.

When we compare, there is this solidification of "I am like this," and what comes with that is a sense of "I am like this, and you are like that. We are separate." This distinction between us feels very clear. These aren't necessarily explicit thoughts we have, but inherent in the sense of "me" is a sense of separateness. Of course we are separate; I am here in this body with this skin barrier, and you are over there, each in your own. I am not saying anything metaphysical. I am just saying that the sense of being separate, the sense of being isolated, sometimes gets highlighted, and sometimes it's not even there. It is really fluid. 

If we think about it with our thinking mind, of course we are separate. But what I am pointing to is experience, not thoughts. For example, when we are doing one of our favorite activities—gardening, sports, hiking, doing jigsaw puzzles, drinking tea or coffee with our friends—there isn't this inherent or really strong sense of being separate. We are just doing what we're doing. We're just hiking, we're just in nature, we're just drinking coffee. 

In contrast, there are other times when we have a real sense of "I'm inadequate, I'm not enough." Inherent with this is a sense of separation, and probably you've noticed there is a sense of dukkha[^1] with this. Dukkha is a word that has a really wide range, from a very subtle sense of "something's not quite right," to terrifying experiences on the other end of the spectrum. Hopefully, you're not experiencing the extreme end where things are the absolute worst, but there is often a sense of dissatisfaction, a feeling that things aren't quite right, that they need to be better, or we want to be a little bit more comfortable. 

The Buddha pointed to this sense of comparing and the sense of "me" that gets created with it. Making a "me" and comparing are exactly the same thing, just looked at from different aspects. Making a "me" could also be said to be making a "self." A self is this thing that feels like it has an inherent existence that is separate from everything else. Again, I am not saying that you don't exist; that would be silly. Buddhist practice is not about destroying, exploding, dissolving, or erasing the self, or merging the self into some big unity with something else. What is being pointed to is a type of understanding about the self that brings freedom, ease, peace, and a sense of well-being. 

When we start to understand this deeply—in our hearts, minds, and maybe even in a way in our bodies—we realize that there isn't actually anything here that I have to protect, defend, or worry about. When we recognize that, fear just gets released. Because we don't have to protect and defend, there isn't fear, and this beautiful freedom arises.

## Using Comparing as a Gateway

If you've listened to this talk so far, you might say, "Okay, comparing is making a self or a 'me', and this is about understanding the self so we can find more freedom. I just need to stop comparing." But we can't! This is what humans do. This is part of the human experience. Only the most realized people don't compare. 

Instead, we do what we do with everything in our practice that seems like an obstacle or a difficulty: we use it as a gateway. We use it as a stepping stone for a greater understanding and a different type of practice. Instead of having the idea that, "I shouldn't be comparing, I shouldn't be judging," recognize that this is what humans do. Part of it is discernment: "Is this helpful or not helpful? Is this person going to help me or harm me?" This is just how we're wired. But some of the judging we do is extra. We can make a distinction between judging and discernment, but there is a way in which we are always kind of comparing. 

How can we use this to deepen our practice and find a way to greater ease, peace, and freedom? 

When we discover that comparing is happening—perhaps because this inner critic is really loud, saying things like, "I'm a terrible meditator, I don't even know why I come to these meditation centers," or conversely, "I'm the best one here, I don't even know why Diana is teaching; I should be the one teaching"—we can ask ourselves a question: 

*How does this comparing impact how I see myself and others?*

Whether or not you answer that question, just asking it can be enormously helpful. Asking the question means that you are not completely lost in it. You are aware that this comparing is happening. It creates a way of stepping back and reminds us that whether we feel bad about ourselves or good about ourselves, our comparisons influence what we experience and how we interpret what we experience.

We all know the experience of getting up on the wrong side of the bed. We haven't had enough sleep, we're cranky, and then someone does that thing that annoys us so much. We get angry, and we just notice that everything starts to irritate us. Our tempers are short, and we focus on all the terrible things that are happening. In contrast, if we have had a great sleep, we're on vacation, having fantastic meals, spending time with our loved ones, and we're so happy to be where we are, there is ease. That same person doing that thing that usually irritates us doesn't make us so angry. We might just say to ourselves, "Oh, there you go again." 

For me, I sometimes find myself saying out loud, "Diana!" when I am unfocused and have some work to get done but find myself doing something else. It's a little wake-up call to get to work. When there is a sense of ease, we might just recognize, "Okay, that's just doing what Diana does." It doesn't have to mean that I'm an inherently bad person or unfocused. It just means that that's what is happening at that time. 

Asking the question, "How does this comparing impact how I see myself and others?" highlights that the way we look at experience affects the experience itself. We always have lenses through which we are looking, even if we don't recognize it. We might think we are just seeing the way things are. Of course we are, but how can it be that the exact same experience—like putting the dishes in the dishwasher the "wrong" way—irritates us sometimes and not other times? The only thing that exists is the way we are perceiving it in that moment. The lenses through which we look influence not only how we feel about things, but what we actually see. 

When you are relaxed and happy, maybe on a meditation retreat where you've had time to settle in, you go for walking meditation and suddenly think, "Wow, this plant is so beautiful." You've walked that path ordinarily, but now you notice the leaves, their shape, and how bushy it is. Or you might see the color of somebody's jacket and think, "That color blue is so beautiful; that person is so lucky to have that jacket." You become more sensitive to these things.

So asking this question when we notice that we're comparing does a few things. First, it helps create a little space between us and the comparing so we are not lost in it. Second, it reminds us that the way we see things influences our experience. Third, it might bring insight that there is always a way in which we are viewing things, and that way changes. We are always looking through one lens or another—maybe irritation, maybe peace, maybe boredom. Using that lens affects things, and if we intentionally switch to a different lens, we will start to notice things differently. This is partly how meditation practice works.

## The Common Humanity of Comparing

Another way we can use comparing as a gateway to greater freedom is to connect to the common humanity of the experience. This is a human thing that we all do. It is very often painful to be comparing ourselves to others, not only because sometimes we don't show up in the best light, but even if we decide that we're superior and better than whomever we are comparing ourselves to, we then have to protect that. We have to make sure that they don't think we're inferior. We have to project this idea that we're better: "Yeah, yeah, I got it. I know how to do this. You don't have to teach me anything." There is suffering and busyness associated with that. Even if we think we are the same, we always have to evaluate it: "Am I still the same? Do I do that too?"

We can connect to the common humanity and realize, "Oh right, this is what it means to be human." We can just look around and say, "Oh yeah, just like that person there, and that person there, everyone does it just like me." That can be connecting. We are all trying to find our way. If someone decides they are superior and needs to let us know, we can say, "Okay, this is just this person doing this comparing. It's the human thing." We could say, "Knock yourself out, but I'm not going to buy into it. I'm not going to buy into this idea that I have to be inferior in order for you to be superior." We don't have to get angry at them or be disappointed in them. We can just say, "Yes, I can see that you are doing this comparing. I do it too," and it could just end there without having to agree or disagree with it.

## Practices for Working with Comparing

But what if we find that we can't even use this as a gateway because we're completely lost in it? Sometimes, when we are in the midst of comparing and are sure that we are superior or inferior, we don't have access to this practice. That's okay; this is what happens too. I want to talk about some things we can do when we notice this happening.

First, you have to notice it. Part of mindfulness or meditation practice is getting to know what the mind does, getting to know this inner dialogue, and recognizing when comparing is happening. You might start doing it, but then notice it. Then you might start doing it again, and notice it again. This can be your practice: just mindfulness of comparing. We shouldn't underestimate how powerful that alone can be: "Oh, there's comparing. Okay, that's interesting." 

One thing that can be helpful and powerful is to count them. "I can't do this, this is ridiculous"—oh, that's comparison number one. "See, that person is making so much noise and I'm not"—oh, that's comparison number two. Just counting starts to take away some of the authority and the negativity. It can start to be kind of fun: "Wow, 327... no, wait, 328." It shifts our relationship to it. Often, when we notice we're doing this, we have the idea that we shouldn't, which creates aversion and tangles us up in it. Counting normalizes it and undoes some of the aversion.

Second, notice how it feels in the body. This can be really subtle. I talked about how there is a distinct sense of "me" versus the world. There may be a subtle sense of contraction, a limit, or a boundary. If you are noticing a superiority conceit, you might find yourself puffing out your chest a little bit. If the outcome of the comparing is feeling inferior, you might notice that your shoulders and head droop a little bit. These might be subtle or obvious, but just feel into the body with a sense of kindness and curiosity: "Wow, okay, how does this show up in the body?" Do this not to chastise yourself, but just to notice. Transforming the comparing into a somatic experience interrupts the momentum of the loop we find ourselves in.

Then, maybe there is a way we can invite the body to relax. When we notice how this comparing gets felt, we can invite relaxation by bringing a little bit more spaciousness or openness. This can be literal or figurative. If you feel tightness right in the chest, bringing more spaciousness literally means opening up awareness to the whole body. Recognize that you're sitting, and this is what it feels like to sit. Open up your awareness even beyond the body. Cultivate a really big, loose, spacious awareness that is just receiving experiences—receiving sound, or letting a twinge in the knee or a sensation in the back arise. Just let these experiences arise and pass away while keeping awareness relaxed and open. Often, we do mindfulness where we are focused on one thing, like feeling the breath, which is a perfectly legitimate way to practice. But it can be really wise and helpful to practice in a different way, to really open up.

Finally, we can bring in some wisdom practices to help us with this comparing, which can bring more peace, freedom, and ease. This is to remember that our experience is always changing. Every meditation session is different, and all of our experiences are changing. We can remind ourselves of this inconstancy. We might be comparing, but we can say, "Well, we're not always feeling inadequate. We're not always the best. We're not always comparing." Recognizing this flexibility drains out some of its authority: "Oh yeah, this comparing is just what's happening in the mind right now. In a few moments, it will be different." We often grab onto an experience in the mind and think, "This is a problem, I have to fix it, I have to make it go away." But if we notice that our thoughts are always changing, we can relax a little bit around it. We will see them rising and passing, getting more intense, going away, and then we start thinking about what's for dinner.

Remember that comparisons are just thoughts. How many thoughts do you have in a day? A lot. How solid are thoughts? They're not; they're wispy. We can't precisely grab onto them; we could just blow them away. Thoughts come and go; they are a dime a dozen. You might have a thought that the sky is blue, or the carpet is soft. These are all just thoughts. Why do you hold onto some of them so tightly and not others? This is a question to ask yourself. It is part of the human habit to grab onto some thoughts and make them mean something, without recognizing that all thoughts are ephemeral and insubstantial. It doesn't mean they're not helpful or that we don't need them, but it does mean that we don't have to hold on to them. Thoughts are helpful and useful until they're not. Often we are repeating or obsessing in a way that is extra. You don't have to do that.

All humans compare. Often when we do this comparing, we come out feeling inadequate in some kind of way, and the inner critic gets activated. We can recognize, "Oh, this is just comparing," and use this recognition to connect with other people, realizing it doesn't mean we are a bad person. Just because someone else is comparing themselves to us and comes up with an evaluation doesn't mean we have to go along with it. We can work with comparing; we don't have to make it go away. We can recognize that when comparisons show up, they influence us, and this is part of the way we make a self. By noticing our comparing, we can soften the sense of self so there is more ease and freedom, using either mindfulness or wisdom practices. 

Thank you for your attention. I will open it up and see if there are any questions or comments.

## Questions and Answers

**Bill:** Going back to being on retreat, and how suddenly everything looks beautiful. It's kind of trivial, but I remember Gil[^2] once saying that on retreat, even if you are walking out in the wilderness area next to Spirit Rock on the hills and trails, and you see a crumpled candy wrapper that someone had littered, even that can look beautiful.

**Diana Clark:** Yes, thank you, Bill. Right, it's amazing. There are times we might think, "Oh my gosh, how can somebody leave it there?" and make a whole story about it. But I try to remember that story from Gil. That's good, thank you.

**Questioner 1:** Thanks for the talk. You talked about comparing, and you may have answered this already, but how do you confront these feelings of inadequacy or shame? I notice that with myself and some of the people I compete with in sports, I have a constant loop of comparing and feelings of inadequacy. You talked about counting, but I was like, I'm not going to get past two or three; it's exhausting!

**Diana Clark:** I have given a number of talks on this, so you could look up "inner critic" and I've done a series on it. But here is one thing that I didn't say that I'll offer right now. Often, when the inner critic is up and running, there is this part of the voice that says, "Oh, I'm doing it wrong," or "I'm not enough," or something like that. But if we could ask this question: *How am I right now?* 

When we ask, "How am I right now?" and tune in to feel how we are, it is an act of kindness and care. We turn towards ourselves with some care instead of just falling into this feeling of inadequacy. Often we are implicitly asking, "How could I do it better?" or "What am I doing wrong?" But if we change the question to "How am I?", we might discover: "I'm sad," "I'm lonely," or "I'm hungry." That's just how it is, but it interrupts the feeling of inadequacy.

**Questioner 2:** That question brought up another suggestion you made, which was something like, "How is this act of comparing affecting the situation or how I'm relating to others?" I want to remember that, but it doesn't feel easy to remember in my mind unless there's a more succinct expression. 

**Diana Clark:** A succinct way is to notice the way of looking. What is the lens that we are looking through? Because the way of looking affects what is being seen. So if we just ask ourselves, "What is the lens I'm seeing things through?" or "What frame of reference am I using?" that can help.

Thank you all for your attention. I will stay up here if you have some more questions. Otherwise, I wish you a wonderful rest of the evening. 

---

[^1]: **Dukkha:** A Pali word often translated as "suffering," "stress," or "unsatisfactoriness."
[^2]: **Gil Fronsdal:** A prominent Buddhist teacher and the primary teacher for the Insight Meditation Center.