---
ai_generation_date: '2026-07-06'
ai_model: gemini-3-pro-preview
audiodharma:
  talks:
  - date: '2021-05-05'
    mp3_url: https://audiodharma.us-east-1.linodeobjects.com/talks/13450/20210505-Nikki_Mirghafori-IMC-happy_hour_forgiving_oneself_as_if_a_beloved_other.mp3
    speakers:
    - speaker_name: Nikki Mirghafori
      speaker_url: https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/229
    talk_start_time_seconds: 0
    title: 'Happy Hour: Forgiving Oneself As If a Beloved Other'
    url: https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/13450
    video_unavailable: false
location_city: Redwood City, CA
video_unavailable: false
youtube:
  id: dvhBfu3dM6U
  imprecise_upload_date: '2022-05-04'
  title: 'Happy Hour: Forgiving Oneself As If a Beloved Other'
  upload_date: null
  uploader_str: Insight Meditation Center
  uploader_url: https://www.youtube.com/@InsightMeditationCenter
youtube_url: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvhBfu3dM6U
---

# Happy Hour: Forgiving Oneself As If a Beloved Other - [Nikki Mirghafori](https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/229)

*This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video above. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.*

## [Happy Hour: Forgiving Oneself As If a Beloved Other](https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/13450)

## Introduction

Hi everyone, good to see you. Welcome wherever you are in the world. 

For today's Happy Hour in practice, I wanted to invite us to consider the practice of forgiveness. Forgiveness is one of the beautiful practices of the heart. It's an act of generosity of the heart when it lets go of a rock that it has been carrying. In some ways, we can think of forgiveness practice as another dimension of *mettā*[^1] (loving-kindness). 

If you consider *mettā*—cultivating goodwill—as the generosity of our heart, as a generosity of care towards ourselves and towards others, this act of generosity can express itself in letting go of something that has been carried when the time is right. Forgiveness cannot be rushed, pushed, or forced, but it can be cultivated in the same way that kindness and goodwill can be cultivated. They can't be forced, but they can be cultivated as we turn our minds gently towards kindness and the generosity of goodwill. It tends to become, as the Buddha says, the proclivity of our minds. "Whatever you ponder upon frequently becomes the tendency and the inclination of your mind," says the Buddha. 

So we can incline our minds and our hearts towards kindness and goodwill, trusting that it will become the proclivity of our hearts and minds. It's the same way with forgiveness. We incline our mind and our heart towards forgiveness—not forcing, not saying, "Okay, now forgive. Let go now, you have to." That can become really forced. Whereas if we turn our mind and ask, "May it be possible? Is it possible to let go? Is it possible to forgive in this moment?"—we are inclining our minds and our hearts to make it more possible. 

There is a saying about awakening: that awakening is an accident, and meditation makes you more accident-prone. In the same way, we can think of forgiveness, kindness, and love as accidents that the heart just opens up to. These cultivation practices make us more accident-prone; they set the conditions for these beautiful gifts to occur on their own.

One last thing I want to say before we practice is that there are different dimensions to forgiveness, and we will explore a subset of them today. Maybe we'll do more in the next sessions. There is forgiving ourselves, there is forgiving others, there is asking forgiveness from others in our hearts (maybe not in person, but in our hearts), and then the fourth aspect is offering forgiveness to the causes and conditions that brought you and another being—or another group of beings—into some kind of entanglement. This involves forgiving the causes and conditions that you can't control. That's where the wisdom practice really comes in with forgiveness practice—acknowledging that not all of these causes and conditions are within our control. 

We'll explore perhaps one or maybe more of them today. We'll see how it goes, because I want to leave a lot of silent space for our settling and arriving today as we practice. So without further ado, let's engage with our practice.

## Guided Meditation

I invite you to get into your meditation posture. Whatever your body needs in this moment—sitting upright, or lying down, shifting, moving, whatever the body needs. 

But first, we arrive with the breath. With the body just settling, tilling the soil before we turn our attention to the topic at hand. Just to arrive. Just to settle. Turning our gaze inward. Connecting with the breath. 

Letting go. Letting go as much as possible, offering up the thoughts, the cares, the worries, the activities that have come before. All the words. And just connecting with the breath in the body in this moment. Taking refuge in the simplicity, the beauty, the grace of this moment of being alive. And just sitting and breathing, being breathed. This is enough. This is enough. 

In this moment, just this breath is enough. Just this in-breath is enough. And in the enoughness, there's a sacredness, a beauty. Entering this moment's experience with awe. We're all Alices in Wonderland. This breath, this moment's experience is a wonderland. This breath breathing itself, not to be taken for granted. 

And if thoughts are arising, it's okay. Noticing the balloons of thought. Opening your hand, letting go of the strings, let them float away. Letting go, releasing. Feeling lighter. 

And if the thoughts feel heavy like rocks, can we not hold them? Not be weighed down by them, but just respectfully, lovingly put them down for now? "Thank you. Not now. I'll pick you up when I have more space. Not now. Not now."

[Silence]

Now, I would like to invite you, as we incline our minds or hearts towards the practice of forgiveness, to bring to mind an image of yourself as a beloved other. 

This image could be of you at this time, at this age, or a different age—maybe younger. See what brings up a sense of connection for you, the present image or past. You can explore going back and forth; you don't have to stick to one if one doesn't work. 

Connecting with the felt sense of yourself as this beloved other. This being who has goodness. Who has kindness. Who has good intentions and aspires to live according to values that they uphold and hold dear. 

This being who has gifts, capacities, aptitudes. The ways they show up in the world. And seeing this person's goodness, inner radiance. The ways they are generous, the ways they are kind, the ways they are thoughtful—or whatever the gifts are that you well know. 

And also connecting with the ways this being, this image of yourself as a beloved other, suffers. The challenges they have, physically with their body, emotionally, relationally. Appreciating and connecting with the complexity of their inner life, their goodness, their challenges. 

And for any ways in the past you have not seen this beloved other fully. For all the ways you have neglected them, perhaps forsaken them, haven't treated them well, haven't been kind to them, have berated them, have been judgmental. Asking for forgiveness. 

"For all the ways that I have harmed you, dear beloved other—it was me. For all the ways I've unknowingly harmed you, I ask you for forgiveness." 

"For all the ways knowingly or unknowingly I have harmed you by choosing what's not best for you in action, in deeds, in thoughts, and words—I ask you for your forgiveness. In any ways I have abused you in body, and thoughts, and speech, in any ways I have forsaken you or abused you, I am sorry. I ask for your forgiveness."

"In any ways that I haven't been kind or generous to you, I ask for your forgiveness." 

"For any ways I haven't completely seen you, your fullness, your grace, your capacities, your strength, your inner beauty, your inner light, have undermined you, taking you for granted—I ask for your forgiveness."

"In any ways that I have harmed you knowingly or unknowingly out of my ignorance, shortsightedness, not knowing any better, I haven't cared for you, protected you—I ask for your forgiveness."

Now see if it's possible to shift perspectives. Looking at yourself from this perspective of this beloved other that is you, in your full beauty, grace, the fullness of your being, with access in ways that may not be fully understandable to you. Full access to your kindness, forgiveness. Looking at yourself in your common humanity, doing the best you can. Doing the best you can to navigate in this life with all the causes and conditions of your life. 

And as much as possible offering forgiveness. 

"In all the ways I've been harmed knowingly, unfortunately not being protected, being stood up for, being undermined, not cared for, berated, judged—as much as possible in this moment, as much as it's available to me, I forgive you. I offer you forgiveness. Fully knowing the causes and conditions of your life, of this life, that you've been doing the best you've been able to. I offer you, I offer myself forgiveness."

See which direction works better for you, which you can better connect with. I'll stick with you. 

"I let go as much as possible and forgive for all the ways I've been harmed, not seen fully, not appreciated fully. Making peace with you. Making peace with myself."

"You know you've been doing the best you've been able to. If you could have done any better, you would have. As much as possible in this moment, I forgive you."

And for the last moments of this practice, however this practice period was—whether there was sleepiness, distracted thoughts, judgments—releasing. Offering forgiveness to yourself. It was exactly as it had to be. Releasing. Letting go. 

May all beings be free, including ourselves. Thank you for your practice.

## Reflections and Q&A

The practice we did today is perhaps the most important aspect of this practice, which is the relationship to ourselves: forgiving ourselves, asking forgiveness from ourselves. Of course, we can do this practice by saying, "May I love and forgive myself just as I am," which is lovely and we can explore that later. But this other way—actually seeing ourselves as this beloved other with capacities, beauty, and grace that we often don't see when we're looking inside—allows us to recognize, "Wow, this being that is me, there is so much light in this being." Then asking for forgiveness relationally, and then turning and looking at ourselves from this perspective and offering forgiveness. This can be quite powerful. Some may not connect to it, like any other practice, so I offer it in this way. 

I think what this brings up is a shift in perspective, because we often take ourselves for granted, whereas this invites another way of seeing ourselves which usually may not be available in our common way of relating. 

I'm happy to hear your reflections, what insights came up, what you discovered, if you'd like to share, or any questions you'd like to ask. You can type them in chat. If you type them to me privately, I won't say your name. 

One of you just typed, "Loved it." You're welcome. Another one typed, "Thank you, thank you, that was great. Lovely." I am so glad that it worked for those of you who connected with it. Of course, you can raise your Zoom hand if you'd like to share your reflections, insights, and questions.

Harley says, "That was powerful, but also challenging. Tough to forgive oneself." Yes, it is. Actually, forgiving ourselves is often the most challenging category. It is, absolutely. 

Neil says, "I found myself hugging myself, comforting myself for all the ways I've harmed myself. It was lovely." Oh, thanks for sharing that, Neil. I want to hug myself reading that! So much tenderness there. 

Linda says, "Very refreshed and was able to visualize me forgiving myself and accepting the offer. Beautiful."

Another reflection, private: "It was hard to stay there." So that makes me think it was very much helpful. Beautiful, and I invite you to consider this practice again if the mind-stuff especially didn't want to be there. 

Another private reflection: "I noticed I become distracted and irritated when faced with forgiving myself." Similarly, if irritation is arising, the mind doesn't want to go there. Be kind, be gentle; that's the pointer that there's definitely something there to stay with in this practice. 

Kyla says, "Conceptually very difficult at first. A *mettā* stretch." Yeah, it can be. It absolutely is. Thank you for that reflection. 

Melissa says, "This was beautiful. Thank you. I felt myself as a beloved other, feeling love and compassion toward the part of myself asking for forgiveness." Beautiful. Thank you for that reflection, Melissa. 

FM says, "This visualization also made me think of all the ways I've supported and cared for myself too, and recognize that there's gratitude for myself at moments as well as forgiveness." Yay! That's lovely. That insight comes up for appreciation, gratitude. Beautiful. 

Bill says, "This practice would have been harder a year ago, but doing *mettā* over the past year has allowed me to forgive myself to an extent." Yay, I celebrate that with you, Bill. The practice of *mettā*, really cultivating it. 

And one more reflection, Jerry says, "Helpful to have moments of kindness to myself and was enlightened even today of how I may have harmed myself in my racing periods today in a meeting." That's wonderful to see that, to have kindness. 

Carol says, "Loved, loved, loved. Thank you."

And Gurgle says, "Thank you and mucho *mettā* from Ireland." Thanks Gurgle, it's the middle of the night for you! Lovely that you're joining us. 

I see Violet has her hand up, please.

**Violet:** Hi, my comment is similar to two of them in the chat. I was looking in my recent past for a moment to forgive myself for treating myself badly—like something I've done recently where I was berating myself, or doing something against my values, or somehow betraying myself. And I couldn't find anything very readily! I was like, wow, that is a big difference than me really at any other point in my life. So yeah, like what Bill said about the difference of doing *mettā* for a year... I'm just not betraying myself as much as I used to. It's like well-being has created its own momentum, like a ship that's now heavy enough that it's not so easily blown off course. I saw this thing on gratitude the other week that was like, "Don't forget how badly you once wanted what you have right now." And I feel grateful for the stability, so this helped me tap into that. Thank you.

**Nikki Mirghafori:** Yay! Thank you, Violet, that makes me so happy. I'm filled with *muditā*[^2]. Thank you for your beautiful reflection. There's nothing more I can say. A beautiful testimony to your practice. 

One last reflection from Carol: "Loving yourself takes so long, so multifaceted. Such a beautiful sitting." Thank you, Carol. 

And appreciation for Violet from Bill and Jerry, that's great. Especially being grateful for what you have now. 

Let's take this sense of gratitude for what we have now and forgiveness, and let's practice together now in *sangha*[^3], where the rubber meets the road. Let's start with 15 seconds of silent *mettā* practice, and then share whatever feels authentic to you in the breakout rooms. I'm opening the rooms, enjoy practicing together.

*[Breakout rooms commence]*

Welcome back everyone, the rooms are closed. We have about a minute for any final reflections if you'd like to share what came up for you, especially practicing in groups. Please don't be shy, you can type or raise your hand. Oh, it's Kim, there you go.

**Kim:** It was a great practice. It was very helpful. I was telling my partners in the small groups that I was working on forgiving myself, but I still had some tightness in my stomach. They were quite lovely, and then when we came back I realized it was gone! It just went away, so thank you partners and group.

**Nikki Mirghafori:** Oh, that just delights me to no end! Thanks so much for sharing that, Kim. That is so sweet, it makes me so happy. Let's see a few last comments here. 

Early says, "Thank you, I feel totally different from how I felt an hour ago. Uplifted and happy and grateful." Yay, hence Happy Hour! Please come back again.

Terry says, "Aware of psychological safety and vulnerability of the *sangha* in the small group." That's lovely, the psychological safety that you're talking about. I think this is what allows the softening that was just shared a moment ago. 

Melissa says, "This was my first time attending, and I found it so welcoming and personally meaningful and moving. Thank you." Great, Melissa, welcome and please come back again. You're part of the *sangha* now. 

Anyway, dear ones, we're out of time. So thank you so much for your practice, for showing up and doing this cultivation not just for yourself but for all beings whose lives you touch. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including ourselves. Thank you.

---

[^1]: **Mettā:** A Pali word often translated as "loving-kindness," "benevolence," or "goodwill."
[^2]: **Muditā:** A Pali word meaning "sympathetic joy" or "unselfish joy" in the good fortune of others. (Original transcript said "medita", corrected to "*muditā*" based on context.)
[^3]: **Sangha:** A Pali word meaning "community," typically referring to the Buddhist monastic community or the wider community of practitioners.