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ai_generation_date: '2026-08-21'
ai_model: gemini-3-pro-preview
audiodharma:
  talks:
    - date: '2021-02-08'
      mp3_url: https://audiodharma.us-east-1.linodeobjects.com/talks/12901/20210208-Nikki_Mirghafori-IMC-happy_hour_the_empowerment_of_self_compassion.mp3
      speakers:
        - speaker_name: Nikki Mirghafori
          speaker_url: https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/229
      talk_start_time_seconds: 0
      title: 'Happy Hour: The Empowerment of Self-Compassion'
      url: https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/12901
      video_unavailable: false
location_city: Redwood City, CA
video_unavailable: false
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  imprecise_upload_date: '2021-05-04'
  title: 'Happy Hour: The Empowerment of Self-Compassion'
  upload_date: null
  uploader_str: Insight Meditation Center
  uploader_url: https://www.youtube.com/@InsightMeditationCenter
youtube_url: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1LJimHpXbg
---

# Happy Hour: The Empowerment of Self-Compassion - [Nikki Mirghafori](https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/229)

_This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video above. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers._

## [Happy Hour: The Empowerment of Self-Compassion](https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/12901)

## Introduction

A warm welcome to you, or a cool welcome, if that would be welcome. If it's summer and something cool would be refreshing, so a refreshing welcome to you. Warm, cool, whatever your heart needs in this moment, your body needs in this moment. Lovely to be with you from around the world in this moment in time and to practice together.

We've been going through the _brahmavihāras_[^1] one by one. We went through _mettā_[^2], and now we're going through _karuṇā_[^3], compassion, and we're lingering with self-compassion for a few sessions. Tonight, we will all do self-compassion in a different way than we've done the past couple of sessions, because you can never have enough self-compassion. It's really the salve, it's the support. In many ways, it's the support for many of the other practices, because when we fill our own cups with care, with _mettā_, with compassion, self-compassion, self-_mettā_, then we can be more available for the world. There is less neediness: "Love me, love me, take care of me, take care of me." We can take care of our own heart, and the sense of resilience can also build.

One thing that sometimes comes up when we try to practice self-compassion is this voice that says, "Oh, if you're too compassionate, if you're compassionate to yourself, then you won't get anything done. You'll just become a couch potato, so you have to be hard on yourself to get yourself accomplishing things that you need to accomplish in life." And that's unfortunately not the voice of wisdom; it's more the voice of fear. It's very common. Plenty of work and research has been done on this, and it's very common. Having taught and practiced self-compassion practices myself, and also having taught it to many people, it often comes up. There's a sense of suspicion of self-compassion as weakening: "It will make me too weak in so many ways."

I invite you to distinguish between when something is challenging and there is suffering for us, to hold ourselves with care for the suffering that is happening, for the suffering that's arising for us in our heart, emotionally, in our bodies, etc., as a way to support and empower us to be in our power. When I actually say it, I want to sit up straighter, because I'm holding myself in compassion, in my own care. There's a sense of empowerment of care and love, and this feeling that, "Oh sweetie, this hurts, and it's okay. It's okay." And an empowerment to actually take on things that are more challenging, instead of if I was beating myself up.

Say I'm hurting. Say something has been challenging. Let's say I didn't get what I wanted to get done today, and now I'm beating myself up: "Oh, you're no good, you're a loser, you never complete your deadlines." Ouch, ouch, ouch. That feels very belittling. I feel even more hurt now; I want to go and crawl under the covers and not talk to anyone. It diminishes me, it makes me even more powerless.

Whereas, a sense of, "Oh okay, I messed up. Oh, that feels really bad. Okay sweetie, I realize various things that were going on, and also yeah, maybe you didn't do your best. I still love you, I still care for you. And yes, maybe you didn't have to watch Netflix for two hours. Maybe that was not a good idea, maybe we should just not do that. Yeah, you're right. Okay, but it's okay. I still care for you, and okay, let's try to do better." There's a different kind of narrative, there's a different kind of attitude that self-compassion can bring in.

I bring this up because it has come up before, both here and whenever I teach it. Of course, this comes up as, "Does this self-compassion make me a couch potato?" I invite you to experiment with these different narratives and see how self-compassion is not about lying on the sofa and eating bonbons. It's not about cutting yourself complete slack in every matter; it's about caring for yourself and taking more responsibility in many ways.

So let's get started without further ado. Let's practice self-compassion in a different way tonight.

## Guided Meditation

I'd like to invite you to get into your meditation posture. As always, we start with the breath and the body, landing and settling.

Landing in the body. With the breath. Receiving the breath.

Tethering. Tethering the attention. Tethering the awareness.

With the breath, with the movement of the in-breath and the out-breath in the body. The entire breath, the entire body of the breath, in-breath and out-breath, and the pauses. Tethering awareness to the breath in the body.

Letting go of thoughts, memories, conversations. Realizing you don't need to have them right now. Giving yourself to this practice. Giving your heart to this moment.

Inviting your attention to be tethered, to accompany the breath intimately. Not leaving the breath, as if your life depended on it. As if your liberation depended on it.

Now I'd like to invite you to bring to mind a being that represents unconditional love for you. It could be a living being in your life, someone who's passed away, a human, a pet, or an archetype. It could be Kuan Yin[^4], a representation of compassion, or the Buddha, or Jesus, a being of light. Whatever works for you and represents complete acceptance and unconditional love. It could even be the sun, the ocean, a well-rooted tree. Bring to mind this being.

Let yourself feel being in their presence. How their love, acceptance, compassion, and care is boundless, not conditional. In their presence, you feel completely loved and accepted. There's nothing you have to do or accomplish or be in any particular way. Their love, acceptance is on.

And if you start doubting yourself, don't get in your own way. Trust that they see. They see your goodness. They see you. They see aspects of you, the beauty, the unfathomability of you. The ways perhaps you can't quite grasp yourself. And who are you to get in your own way? Get in the way of this being that is you and greater than you.

Allowing yourself to receive, be held. Feeling safe, loved, completely appreciated.

And this being, this compassionate, loving being, imagine they know the complete story of your life. Your strengths, your beauty, your values, and your foibles. They know your struggles. And they love you.

With each breath, receiving this unconditional love.

As you are in the presence of this compassionate being, continuing to soak up, soak in unconditional love and care. I invite you to bring up something in your heart that's challenging for you right now. And if you're new to the practice, maybe not the most challenging aspect of your life right now. Something that's challenging. It's been hard for you. As you bring it up, as if you are putting it on the lap of this being, letting it be held by them with care, compassion.

They see you, they know this hurts, they know this is hard for you. This is challenging. They hold the pain with you, acknowledging that this is hard. And hold it with so much gentleness, love, and care. Hold you tenderly.

The steadiness, the strength of their love, their compassion, let it awaken your own care and compassion for yourself. The strength of your own affection, warmth, care. So that you are holding this challenge, this pain, the sorrow, this difficulty with the strength of love and care, compassion for yourself.

Feeling the empowerment of not just a compassionate being, but your own love and care for yourself.

You can lean into whichever aspect supports you most in this practice right now. Leaning into the compassionate image, being held in their love and care, or the challenge being held by them compassionately, or leaning more into your own compassion awakened lovingly, powerfully for yourself. Or divided fifty-fifty. Feel free to experiment.

For the last moments of this practice period, holding yourself with care and affection. With compassion for whatever arose or did not arise during this practice period. If the mind was busy, wandering, or sleepy, or if challenges came up during the practice, it's okay. See if it can be held with love instead of judgment.

You've done your best. Given all the causes and conditions, dear, you've done your best.

Noticing how empowering compassion and love can be for yourself.

And opening up your circle of affection and care and compassion for all those who are practicing with you in this moment. All of us human beings with our challenges, pains, and sorrows. This human condition, doing our best.

Extending further to all beings everywhere. May all beings everywhere feel safe. May they be free from harm. May they be free from sorrow, challenges, and difficulties. May they all have peace and ease with any challenges, difficulties they are facing.

Thank you. Thank you all for your practice.

## Q&A and Reflections

I'd love to invite you, if you like, to share any reflections or questions, comments, complaints, it's all okay. You can type it in chat if you wish, or raise your hand. You can raise your hand by going to reactions or going to participants, depending on the version that you have, and especially if you haven't shared for a while. Genie, I see your physical hand up. If you could raise your Zoom hand, then I could actually let's see here... okay, you can unmute yourself. There you go, Genie.

**Genie:** Okay, thank you very much, Nikki.

**Nikki:** Sure.

**Genie:** Lovely. I found that, to my delighted surprise, that I myself could give me the compassion. At the beginning I searched for different beings, faces, people I've known. But then it came down to me, and that was strong. That was very strong, and I was delightfully surprised. So thank you for helping me find that.

**Nikki:** Yay! Yay, I'm cheering for you, Genie, yay! What a delight. What a delight to find that within. Oh, that delight, beautiful, what you just shared. We have a line of a poem by Hafez[^5] in Farsi. It's roughly translated to, "We often beg strangers, whereas we actually have this gem, all these gems within our own hearts." So instead of looking outside, looking inside, it's already here. That gem of compassion and love, it's already here. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing, Genie, lovely.

A reflection from one person who says, "Nikki, this was transformational for me. I felt I was relaxing in a healing way that I have not experienced before." Thank you, you are very welcome. I'm cheering you on also, dear one, dear practitioner.

By the way, if you send reflections to me directly, I won't say your name, but if you send them to everyone, then I'll say your name out loud. This is what I'm starting to do. Emily says, "I found saying 'this is hard' to myself instead of the usual critical and self-judging thoughts has been really helpful. I've taken on Nikki's challenge from last week." Yay, Emily, that's great! That makes me very happy, yay. That's awesome, I'm so glad you're finding it supportive and really helpful. It's fantastic. It brings me so much joy and delight, thank you.

And Violet says, "I tried to give compassion to myself for a small problem, being behind in grading, but I found it extremely challenging. Almost like the smaller the challenge, the easier it is to invalidate myself." Oh, interesting, that's a very interesting observation. Is it okay if I ask you what was the challenging aspect of it? And you're welcome to unmute yourself if you wish.

**Violet:** It's like, oh, it would have been so easy for you to grade this morning instead of going on Facebook. It's just so easy for me to try and correct what I did instead of accepting what I did.

**Nikki:** I see, I see, interesting. Here's what I suggest, working with it in this way. Because in some ways, small, big, this is a standard maybe for something else too. Here's what I would suggest. There is pain right now, right? There is a pain of "Oh, I'm behind in grading, this hurts." Right? So for a moment, I'm going to suggest separating it from judging yourself in the morning, and just feel like, "Oh, this is painful. Being behind is painful." Can you for a moment in your mind separate these two?

**Violet:** Yes.

**Nikki:** Okay. We'll get to taking responsibility in a moment, but is it okay to say, "Oh, this is really painful right now. Ouch, sweetie, ouch, this hurts. This is hard." And to keep it separated for a moment. Like, "Oh, sweetie, this is hard, this is painful. I don't like this situation, ouch."

**Violet:** It's interesting, I have so much aversion to feeling that. I would rather beat myself up over not grading than actually feel that hurt.

**Nikki:** Oh, interesting. Okay, so there's something there I invite you to feel into. Have a question mark: why is that? Because feeling that hurt and having compassion for that, then the next step would be to actually take responsibility. "Okay, well, that wasn't very wise." And instead of beating yourself up... so I'm going to leave this as an inquiry to see why is it so difficult to let yourself feel, and hold that with care, with kindness. Is that okay? Thank you, thank you for bringing this up, powerful.

Okay, dear ones, let's see anything else here. Let's wait for more reflections. Well, after we come back from groups I'll attend to more. Here's the invitation: before you sign off, if you have to go it's perfectly fine, but if you're signing off out of fear of not interacting with other human beings, believe me, they're really, really nice. This _sangha_[^6] is really, really nice. Challenge yourself, extend your limits a little bit. If it scares you, stay and see. It's what scares us, what's difficult to be with sometimes, that can actually be a gift of grace if we stay with it, if we touch into it.

The invitation for the small groups is to start again with thirty seconds of silent _mettā_, silent compassion for each other. Just silently, as if you are each other's compassionate being giving, and knowing that you're also receiving. Others are giving it to you. Giving and receiving. Then you're welcome to share if you wish, as much or as little as you want, supporting each other, which I know naturally comes up in these groups. With that, I'm going to create the breakout rooms and hope that you can stay and practice together. Okay, here we go, opening the rooms now.

_[Breakout session]_

Welcome back, welcome back, and we have a couple of minutes left for any reflections you may like to share from the group or the practice.

One reflection also I wanted to share before we went into groups. Ben typed, "The part of self who berates, the part of self who comforts: which one of them actually wants you to succeed? (Rhetorical, inspired by the book _There Is Nothing Wrong with You_ by Cheri Huber[^7])." I love that question. Which part of you actually wants you to succeed? The part of you that berates, or the part of you that comforts?

What it brings up for me is, you know, if you have this boss who berates you, this manager who just berates every time you make the smallest mistake... and another boss that understands but really expects... is kind but expects the best of you. You'll probably be burnt out by the first boss. You'll be living in fear of being let go, of being fired any moment, and you'll have a nervous breakdown probably. But the second boss, you may want to actually work for them and do your best anyway. Some reflections on that. Thanks for sharing that, Ben. So your turn please.

Thank you for the reflections that are coming, the gratitudes and blessings coming in chat. We will take one verbal reflection if you haven't shared for a while. Yes, Mary please.

**Mary:** So this is my second time with you on Happy Hour, and in the small group, which I always find so powerful to be in small groups with strangers. I came to this question of the grief that I'm encountering. Is it okay for the grief to be okay? I don't know if I'm making any sense, but there's so much grief. How can it be okay for there to be so much grief? You know, how can I be okay when there is so much grief? Not just my grief, but all of the grief. And I feel like that's a place where I'm stuck, yeah. That it's not okay for me to be okay.

**Nikki:** Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you for bringing that in. Here's the invitation for maybe a different way to see it. One view, as you were saying, is that there is so much grief. Not just your grief, but so much grief in the world. "Is it okay to be okay with so much grief? Oh, it feels so overwhelming. One wants to hang one's head and just like, enough. This is just so much. Is it okay to even be okay with it all?" Is that what I'm hearing you say?

The perspective I want to offer... that's one perspective: that it's sorrow and suffering that just causes more suffering and sorrow. And that it's not okay to be with any sorrow and suffering because it's unjustified, it's unjustifiable. There's no point. It's extra, there's no point. It's suffering and more suffering and more sorrow.

So I would say there are two types of suffering, and I'll come back to the word grief for a moment, I'm going to use suffering. There is suffering that just causes more suffering and sorrow, and then there is suffering that leads to the end of suffering. As Ajahn Chah[^8] I think beautifully said, this forest master (I hope I'm attributing this correctly). So there are two different kinds of suffering, there are two different kinds of grief. And what makes the difference between the two is how we hold it. It's how we see it, it's how we relate to it.

And I'm going to say something that's going to sound radical and strange, but I will say it nevertheless, drop it in: that there is grace and beauty and meaning in grief. And so much more, and so much more. So opening up to the possibility of its transformational power to serve one, and to serve everyone, to serve the world. Thank you, Mary.

So thank you all. Thank you for your practice, thank you for being part of Happy Hour, sharing yourself, supporting each other.

May all beings everywhere be free. May all beings everywhere be happy, including ourselves.

Thank you all.

---

[^1]: **Brahmavihāras:** The four "divine abodes" or immeasurables in Buddhism: loving-kindness (_mettā_), compassion (_karuṇā_), empathetic joy (_muditā_), and equanimity (_upekkhā_).

[^2]: **Mettā:** A Pali word meaning loving-kindness, benevolence, or goodwill.

[^3]: **Karuṇā:** A Pali word meaning compassion.

[^4]: **Kuan Yin:** Also known as Guanyin, the Bodhisattva of Compassion in East Asian Buddhism.

[^5]: **Hafez:** A renowned 14th-century Persian poet.

[^6]: **Sangha:** The Pali word for community, often used to describe the community of Buddhist practitioners.

[^7]: **Cheri Huber:** An American Zen teacher and author of _There Is Nothing Wrong with You_ (corrected from "Jerry Huber" in the transcript).

[^8]: **Ajahn Chah:** A highly influential Thai Forest master (1918–1992) known for his teachings on the two types of suffering (corrected from "Aj" in the transcript).