---
ai_generation_date: '2026-08-17'
ai_model: gemini-3-pro-preview
audiodharma:
  talks:
    - date: '2020-11-09'
      mp3_url: https://audiodharma.us-east-1.linodeobjects.com/talks/12395/20201109-Nikki_Mirghafori-IMC-happy_hour_metta_without_want_from_another.mp3
      speakers:
        - speaker_name: Nikki Mirghafori
          speaker_url: https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/229
      talk_start_time_seconds: 0
      title: 'Happy Hour: Metta Without Want from Another'
      url: https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/12395
      video_unavailable: false
location_city: Redwood City, CA
video_unavailable: false
youtube:
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  imprecise_upload_date: '2021-05-04'
  title: 'Happy Hour: Metta Without Want from Another'
  upload_date: null
  uploader_str: Insight Meditation Center
  uploader_url: https://www.youtube.com/@InsightMeditationCenter
youtube_url: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skUlvNekkZI
---

# Happy Hour: Metta Without Want from Another - [Nikki Mirghafori](https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/229)

_This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video above. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers._

## [Happy Hour: Metta Without Want from Another](https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/12395)

## Introduction

Hello everyone, and welcome to Happy Hour. We have a couple of minutes until we get formally started, so if you want to say hello and where you are zooming in from, that would be lovely. I'll start: I'm Nikki, and I'm in Mountain View, California.

_[Participants say hello in the chat, joining from places like Sydney, Singapore, France, British Columbia, and across the US.]_

A warm, warm welcome from a chilly Northern California. The weather has changed; it definitely feels like fall, and we are starting to get some rain, which is fantastic. Hopefully, this means a respite from the California fires that we've had. I just want to share that with you with joy—of getting some rain and cool weather.

And also, I think this is the first Happy Hour we're having after the momentous US elections. Whatever your political opinion, you are welcome. You are safe here. It is a time for coming together, a time for unity. Whether you're jubilant or disappointed, you're welcome. We're glad you're here. Let's practice mettā[^1] together. Let's cultivate our hearts together for both our own benefit and the benefit of all beings everywhere.

Practicing mettā means cultivating kindness, cultivating goodwill for ourselves and for others. Many of you sat with us just a few days ago because Diana and I taught a four-day online Mettā and Compassion Retreat. I see many of you who were with us for this retreat; it was just lovely to sit together.

With the momentum of that behind us, the topic I wanted to bring in tonight for our guided meditation and reflection is mettā—cultivating goodwill without any expectations.

If there are expectations from ourselves—that 'yes, I'm doing this and this is what needs to happen'—there is a sort of anticipation. We're on the edge of our seat, getting tight. Then mettā doesn't quite express itself. It doesn't quite inhabit the fullness that it can really inhabit. The way of being is unconditional goodness. Cultivating without any expectation, any anticipation for any return or anything to necessarily happen. Trusting, having faith, and having confidence in yourself and in your practice. Letting there be a sense of aspiration in the practice, but not expectation.

This lack of expectation, when applied to others—practicing mettā for others—shows up in the way of offering our goodwill freely. Offering it completely freely, without wanting anything in return.

I was inspired, especially a few days ago, by this concept. I've been sitting with it myself even more in the way I'm going to share it now. I heard a piece of an interview with Ram Dass[^2] on the NPR program _Fresh Air_. Ram Dass was a psychologist who did a lot of studies on consciousness, and later went to India and met Neem Karoli Baba[^3], who became his teacher and guru. (His name used to be Richard Alpert, and he became Ram Dass after that.)

What he said in the snippet of the interview was that when he met Neem Karoli Baba, he was so impressed because it felt like Neem Karoli Baba was the first person he had met who didn't want anything from him. He didn't want anything from him; he was just giving him unconditional love. He was so touched by that, being in the presence of that, that it became his inspiration for his own practice and his way of being in the world: to just give unconditional care, love, and goodness, and not expect anything, not want anything of others.

So I invite you to consider that for a moment. Bringing a couple of people to mind—of course, we'll do this in the guided meditation, but before we get started, what does it feel like not to want anything of them?

Just as I bring that into my heart, there's a sense of putting down a weight. Putting down this weight of expectation, and putting down the weight of 'love me, love me, love me' or 'give me, give me, give me' or 'do this for me so that I know you love me,' 'do this for me so I know I'm important.' Just not wanting anything at all. Wow, what freedom! What freedom of the heart, really. It just frees up the entanglements of so many relationships, and it's really the freedom of our own heart that we offer ourselves and others.

So with that being the inspiration for our practice tonight, let's start our meditation.

## Guided Meditation

I'm going to invite you, please, to get into your posture. Whatever is the most comfortable posture for you—whether you need to sit up more straight, or maybe you need to shift and lie down. Maybe that's what's appropriate for you right now. Check in on what's appropriate for this body in this moment.

Settling, arriving. Arriving in this body, arriving at this moment. Letting yourself land. And whatever thoughts or preoccupations have come before, bowing to them, thanking them, saying, 'I'm taking just a little time for refuge right now, so please, thoughts, come back later. I trust you're important enough, and if you are, you will come back later. Right now, I like to give my heart, my mind, my body fully to this practice.' I choose to engage, making a conscious choice in this moment with a sense of integrity, with a sense of alignment to wholeheartedly engage with this practice for this duration.

And with that vow of engagement, settling more into your heart, into your body. Inviting different parts of the body to soften and relax. Landing. Knowing that these are all invitations. There might be more tension in some areas, but inviting them. Inviting your forehead, your face to soften. Inviting your eyes to rest in the sockets, your face to feel more smooth, as if massaged from the inside.

Your jaw. And having learned this from a craniosacral[^4] therapist, if you want to open your mouth, your jaw, and breathe out, it helps relax and settle the body. Let's do it one more time. Opening the jaw as wide as is comfortable. And one more time, opening the jaw as wide as comfortable and breathing out deeply. Letting the jaw close gently, slowly.

Landing. Landing the body. Neck and shoulders giving up their weight, feeling heavier. Your hands resting. Your chest, your heart—inviting your heart to relax. Your upper back, brushing it with your awareness, your loving awareness. The lower back releasing from the inside. Releasing the abdomen from the inside. The pelvis, the groin area. With the next out-breath, dropping any tightness, as if a fist that just opens. Relaxing the sit bones, letting the weight of the sit bones drop, fall into the cushion or the chair. The weight of the upper legs, the knees, the lower legs, ankles, and feet. The entire weight of the legs offered to the earth.

Allowing the weight of the whole body to be offered to the earth, to the cushion, chair, or floor. From the top of the head moving down, checking in. With the next out-breath, letting go of any more tension or tightness that might have crept in.

And letting the breath be received naturally, whether it's shallow or deep, long or short. Letting it be received. The sensations of breath received in the abdomen. Calming, soothing. Each breath calming the mind, settling the body. Arriving more deeply with each breath.

And if thoughts arise, it's okay. Maybe invite them to be breathed and sensed together with the breath in the abdomen. Feeling embodied. Embodying the thoughts instead of letting them be flighty somewhere around the top of our head. Breathing them into the belly, let them be calmed.

Settling more and more with each breath received in the body. Letting the body be relaxed. If any tension has come in, noticing it, softening. Forehead, jaw, shoulders, hands, abdomen, wherever it might be.

I'd like to invite you, as your gaze is turned inwards, feeling and receiving the breath.

_[Siri accidentally activates]_ "I didn't get that, could you try again?"

_[Laughter]_ Siri is meditating with us! Let me turn this off.

So I like to invite you, as your gaze is turned inward, receiving the breath in a relaxed body. Just as you're receiving the breath, the air has no expectations of you. The air, the breath, doesn't want anything of you. It's just being received by you, nourishing your lungs, your body. So letting yourself receive with this acknowledgment of just receiving this goodness. Letting your body be relaxed, letting your body not be tight, not feeling any obligation towards the air in this moment as it's breathed. Just receive this goodness. And if your thoughts start to take you away, bring them back. Just keep it simple. It's possible; keep it simple. Just receiving the breath in this moment.

Just as you're receiving the breath in this moment, I'd like to invite you, if you would, to bring to mind, conjure up a being who can represent for you care, goodwill without any strings attached. A being that just beams goodness, beams friendliness, warmth. Mettā doesn't expect anything of you at all. You can imagine the Buddha, or any other archetype. Or if you wish, if you're inspired by the story of Neem Karoli Baba, you don't even have to know what he looked like. You can just bring up this human being—an inspiring human being just like me, just like us. Imagine you are in this human being's presence, and they're just looking at you with the eyes of goodwill, eyes of love and care, not expecting anything back.

The presence of some human being or archetype where your heart can relax. Using your imagination, feeling completely safe in the presence of this human being who feels complete in their heart. They feel liberated, free in their heart. They don't need anything from you. They can just be and beam their goodness, beam their goodwill, their gladness, their joy. And you can just be in their presence and soak that in. See what it feels like to be in the vicinity, the presence of this kind of being.

And now, let that awaken your own capacity, your own feeling of contentment. Not wanting anything from another. Just sharing your goodness. Being in their presence, sharing goodwill: _May you be safe, happy, healthy, and well._ Just radiating goodness without expecting anything of them in return. As if the Buddha or Neem Karoli Baba has awakened or has merged in you, is in your heart, beaming a sense of ease.

Bring someone in your life to mind, if you will, and see yourself in their presence—the presence of this being in your life. See yourself being with them without wanting anything of them. Without wanting them to be any different than they are. To give you anything, or behave any particular way, or not do something, or do something, or love you. Just being in their presence, just appreciating them just as they are. Just having goodwill, wishing this being well in your heart, not expecting anything back. Feeling the sense of completeness, contentment, freedom, liberation in your heart.

If it supports your practice, you can also say the phrases of mettā for them. If not, you can just stay with the feeling of wishing them well and not expecting anything to be different or change. Not wanting.

And for those who might need a reminder for the phrases, if you choose to use them:
_May you be safe._
_May you be happy._
_May you be healthy._
_And may your life unfold with ease. May you have ease._

Noticing in your body, your heart, what it feels like to just be sharing mettā, goodwill, without any expectations. Not wanting anything from this being. How does your heart feel? How does your body feel? Notice it while you do this practice.

Giving. Giving goodness with generosity of heart, generosity of spirit, without any expectations.

For the last moments of this practice together, offering that freedom to yourself in this moment. Having practiced this period with aspiration, inspiration, but without any expectations for anything to have been a particular way. If the mind was unsettled or sleepy, it's okay. You sat, you tried, you planted seeds. That's all that matters. Offering that freedom from expectations in this moment to yourself for this period of practice.

Thank you all. Thank you for your practice, not results. Thank you for your practice.

## Reflections and Q&A

So if you like to share any reflections, you can type them in chat if you wish, or you can raise your hand.

**Dawn:** Just a deep appreciation for the wisdom that's woven into that approach for mettā. It just takes a certain kind of pressure or striving completely out of it.

**Nikki Mirghafori:** Beautiful, thank you, Dawn. Thank you for your reflection. I hear in what you share a sense of the striving and pressure gone—ah, there's a sense of ease. Lovely, thank you for that reflection. Nav, please.

**Nav:** Something that came up for me was how someone who I find challenging is not really challenging; I just have expectations with what to receive. The image of Ram Dass meeting this amazing being and realizing the power of this unconditional love was also an act of unconditional acceptance and unconditional receiving by Ram Dass. He didn't want anything too, so that was just a beautiful exchange.

**Nikki Mirghafori:** Beautiful. I appreciate your insights. Regarding the person you're having difficulty with, it's a matter of unconditionally receiving and not expecting things to be any different. Maybe they're actually unconditionally giving, but oh, there is the wall of 'No, no, no, you expect things to be a certain way.' Thank you for bringing that in. Beautiful. Eric, please.

**Eric:** When you were talking about expectation versus aspiration, it got me thinking about affirmations that some popular meditators like to espouse, like 'I will accept things' or 'I will live without fear.' I was wondering if you think that has any use at certain times. Instead of thinking 'May I be peaceful,' you say 'I will be peaceful' or 'I will be patient.'

**Nikki Mirghafori:** It's a good question, Eric. We don't really use affirmations in this practice so much. Part of it could be linguistic, but part of it is really the energy behind it. There's something about the aspiration—'May I be'—that is more gentle. It uplifts my heart as I say it. 'I will be patient' is kind of like 'I _should_ be patient.' In my mind, they become a little too close, so it feels heavier for me; it becomes contractive almost in that way. I'm going to invite you, actually, to experiment. Why not experiment in your meditation and see what feels clean, what feels helpful, and what feels heavy? Just feel into that for yourself. That's my invitation for you, and that's what comes up for me as I sit in with both those lexically different ways of putting them.

**Mari Christine:** I don't think it applies to love as much, but in terms of our evolution, had we not cooperated and collaborated and had expectations from the members of the tribe, we wouldn't have survived. So I'm not saying that unconditional love is the same, but having expectations helped us survive as a species—having expectations of the other members in the clan or the tribe of how we're going to work together ultimately for our survival.

**Nikki Mirghafori:** I hear what you're saying, Mari Christine. We all play our roles. But somehow, I think a lot of times as human beings, we have that extra layer of expectation in our heart. There's something extra that we can overlay on people, which leads to suffering when you want something from someone. I think that's the aspect we're really referring to here. It's not so much a contract. Let's say you have a friend and they said they would call you—well, you expect them to call you. That's different. But it's this kind of expectation where you just want this friend to _always_ call you, and _always_ return your email right away even if they're busy. You want them to think of you. There's just a sense of a gnawing[^5] kind of expectation. That's what offering mettā without that expectation really refers to. Keeping those two separate takes wisdom. Mettā or compassion without wisdom is 'idiot compassion' or 'idiot mettā.' There has to be wisdom in all these practices to interpret them in ways that are helpful.

**Denise:** My question is related to Mari Christine's. The person I chose was my husband. I realized the expectations, and then I started wondering. You need to have some sort of expectation in a marriage, for example. What would be the difference between aspiration and expectation in this context?

**Nikki Mirghafori:** When you're cultivating mettā, the invitation is that we cultivate it without expectations. The practice on the cushion then helps you in daily life. When you are interacting with your husband, it helps you to see what is extra, what is not needed, and what is actually part of your contract—part of your beautiful way of co-creating. This practice helps you see what's a little extra and what's the beautiful way of co-creation. That's my invitation for you to explore.

_[The group breaks into smaller breakout rooms to discuss the practice.]_

**Nikki Mirghafori:** Welcome back. Because we spent so much time at the beginning with the wonderful reflections and comments, it feels more appropriate to end on time. If anyone wants to share a reflection in the chat, how the groups were or what you learned, that would be lovely.

**Neil [in chat]:** Today was one of those sessions that seemed like it was targeted to me. I'm like, how did you know what I was thinking?

**Phil [in chat]:** These are the shortest hours of my week.

**Dawn [in chat]:** Our group all noticed the value of seeing our expectations more clearly.

**Participant [in chat]:** What is needed when expectations of the other come up? Looking more closely at underlying needs.

**Nikki Mirghafori:** Brilliant observation—looking more closely at the underlying needs. Wow, this is so rich. Thank you all for your practice, for showing up. My heart is buoyed. May your practice, with aspiration and without clingy expectations, support you, support others, and support the world. Thank you, and take care.

---

[^1]: **Mettā:** A Pali word often translated as "loving-kindness," "friendliness," or "goodwill."

[^2]: **Ram Dass:** (born Richard Alpert) An American spiritual teacher, psychologist, and author.

[^3]: **Neem Karoli Baba:** A Hindu guru and devotee of the Hindu deity Hanuman, who became the spiritual master of Ram Dass.

[^4]: Original transcript said 'mcanal Circle', corrected to 'craniosacral' based on context.

[^5]: Original transcript said 'KN like anna', corrected to 'gnawing' based on context.