---
ai_generation_date: '2026-05-04'
ai_model: gemini-3-pro-preview
audiodharma:
  talks:
  - date: '2022-04-11'
    mp3_url: https://audiodharma.us-east-1.linodeobjects.com/talks/16063/20220411-Nikki_Mirghafori-IMC-happy_hour_the_uses_of_sorrow.mp3
    speakers:
    - speaker_name: Nikki Mirghafori
      speaker_url: https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/229
    talk_start_time_seconds: 0
    title: 'Happy Hour: The Uses of Sorrow'
    url: https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/16063
    video_unavailable: false
location_city: Redwood City, CA
video_unavailable: false
youtube:
  id: xrfbWLxzbf8
  imprecise_upload_date: '2022-05-04'
  title: 'Happy Hour: The Uses of Sorrow'
  upload_date: null
  uploader_str: Insight Meditation Center
  uploader_url: https://www.youtube.com/@InsightMeditationCenter
youtube_url: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrfbWLxzbf8
---

# Happy Hour: The Uses of Sorrow - [Nikki Mirghafori](https://www.audiodharma.org/speakers/229)

*This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video above. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.*


## [Happy Hour: The Uses of Sorrow](https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/16063)

Hello and welcome, everyone. Welcome to this rendition of Happy Hour. Lovely to be with you, dear sangha[^1]. It makes me very happy to see you, to see your faces, your square sense of presence of us coming together and practicing.

So for today's practice, I'd like to bring a paragraph that I recently read from Joan Halifax[^2] as an inspiration for us practicing with compassion this evening—karuṇā[^3] practice. So here is this paragraph from Joan Halifax, and I'll share it with Neil so that he can send it to the Google Groups afterwards. If you're thinking, "Oh, I want to hear that again," you'll get it later.

She says: "In thinking about trauma and resilience, as I reflect on what is unfolding in our world at this time, from the point of view of systems theory, systems that break down have the potential to reorganize themselves at a higher, more robust level of functionality. The experience of breakdown can give one a very deep and optimistic view of the potential of others to grow from trauma instead of being diminished. This is called post-traumatic growth and refers to the benefit from psychological changes that can be experienced as a result of the struggle with challenging life circumstances, and can foster greater resilience. We have to remember that people who have survived trauma can come back transformed by the experience, and see that suffering has made them more resilient rather than more fragile, with the ability to thrive in the present rather than being overwhelmed by the past. Beyond the ending of the old way of being, there is hope for the emergence of the new, and to imagine a future in which the wounds are still there, but in a form that makes one wiser and humbler, and helps one to thrive."

So, wiser and humbler and more compassionate. I like to add that, because another use of challenge, difficulty, trauma, suffering—whatever you want to call it—is our growing in compassion. Not just growing in resilience, but also growing in wisdom and compassion for ourselves and for others. So I'd like to use that as the basis for our practice tonight.

There is a poem by Mary Oliver[^4] called "The Uses of Sorrow." So I think of the uses of sorrow, the uses of challenge, the uses of difficulty in our lives to refashion us into the more resilient, into the more wise. Not in a more fragile way, as she talks about of course, but more resilient, to pull through post-traumatic growth. And growing in compassion is an important part of the uses of sorrow. The uses of challenges, the way that it helps us grow and become more fully human, more beautiful, more gracious, more kind, knowing that all of us have challenges.

Many lives look perfect, perhaps from the outside. From the outside: "Oh yes, they don't have problems, they have a perfect life, they're happy, perfect bodies and minds and jobs and relationships." And knowing what I know, and actually our deep wisdom tells us, that suffering, unsatisfactoriness—the word dukkha[^5][^6] in Pali—is part of everybody's life. It is a mark of existence. As long as you live, you're a human being, you're an animal, you're a sentient being, there are challenges, there is suffering. It is not that everything in the world is dukkha, definitely not. There are plenty of joys. Yes, enjoy joy, savor joy. And yes, there are also challenges, there's dukkha, which again doesn't necessarily diminish us but helps us grow in wisdom and resilience and compassion. So I've said enough to set the frame. I'd like to invite us to now meditate together.

## Guided Meditation

So let's settle. Let's arrive in our sitting posture so that you can sit, or if you need, lie down comfortably for the next 30 minutes. 

I invite you to close your eyes, if that's comfortable for you. Arriving, arriving in the body. First and foremost, embodiment.

Turning away from thoughts, from entanglement in this moment in time, to give our hearts to this practice. Turning the gaze inward, the gaze of awareness. It is so sweet, the peace within. We keep mixing it up, shaking it up—no need. Bowing to all the stirring: "Thank you, not now, please come back later, I'll be waiting for you." 

And right now, can we relax? Can we let go, release into this body, into this moment? Feeling the bones hugging the cushion, the chair. You know there is a gecko that has tiny little suction cups all along its hands and feet. Imagine there were tiny little suction cups like the gecko on your bottom, on your feet, if you're sitting on a cushion, the lower part of your legs, wherever there's contact. Really connecting to the earth. Connected. Yes, connected, stable. Stable. You can release your weight. 

I let the body release its weight towards the bones, to the feet, the legs. Rooted, well rooted to the earth. And just as we are well rooted, let there be a sense of uplift. Uplifting the heart. And uplift through the breath. Aspiration. 

The breath being breathed on its own. Let it be received in the lower abdomen to calm, soothe, settle. If there's any tension in the neck, shoulders, your face, your jaw, your eyes, anywhere else in the body, release with the next out-breath. Release. 

One more time, taking an in-breath, maybe holding for a few seconds. Ah, and release, landing more deeply. And the third time, intentional breathing. Holding. Let's go, ah, release into the body. 

Now let the breath be natural, no controlling, holding. Let it be received. Let the breath breathe. Continue like this for a few minutes just to settle before we turn. 

And as thoughts and entanglements arise, let there be no judgment, just clear seeing. Smilingly let go, let go, give up. Offer up. "Thank you, not now dear thought, come back later." Turning towards the seclusion of the heart and mind, this moment of cultivation. Settling, peace. 

And notice if it is possible, if it is easy to allow the breath to have an image of the breath entering through the heart center, the center of the chest, to warm up, to prime a sense of kindness associated with the heart center. The proverbial heart center, not on the left where the heart is, but the center of the chest. 

Maybe if it feels right for you, I invite you to put a hand in the center of your chest, connecting with yourself, connecting with a sense of kindness. You could do well for this being who is you, who has the challenges that you have had or currently have in this life. "Oh dear, oh sweetheart, I care for you, I wish you ease." Holding yourself with care, with kindness. 

Now I'd like to invite you to bring to mind something that has been challenging for you, stressful. Perhaps not the most traumatic experience, not the 100-pound weight, but maybe the 10 or 20 or even 50. But something that's challenging. And recognizing that this is difficult. This is difficult. This is hard, it's not easy. Anyone going through the circumstance would find it challenging. And yet it doesn't diminish you, it doesn't make you small or fragile. 

It is challenging, yes. Holding it with care, with love. Holding yourself with care, with love. There is strength in compassion as you wish yourself well. 

Of compassion, I offer a few phrases. Use these or whatever feels appropriate for you: May I be free from this challenge, this suffering, this difficulty. Or, may I be with it, carry it, go through it with grace, with as much ease as possible. May I have ease in the midst of this challenge. May I grow in compassion, in care and love and wisdom, with respect to myself and others. May this difficulty open my heart to care and deeply love myself. Hold myself tenderly, preciously. To see others caringly, compassionately, for their challenge, their suffering. 

Holding oneself, holding yourself with love and care as a beloved being, as a beloved compassionate being with no judgment. Just as you hold yourself with care, with love, with tenderness, also realizing your own resilience, your own strength. Yes, the challenge is here, and yet you're not defined by it. There is so much more beauty, goodness, mystery to you than just this challenge, this difficulty. Yes, this is hard, this is challenging. I love and care for myself. And yet, there's so much more to me, to this being who is me. 

Now let us invite to our mind's eye others in the world. We may know them, we may not know them personally, who have suffered or are suffering or feeling challenged in the same way that we are. It's okay to use our imagination. Imagine other beings, other people. We know we're not alone in this. 

So inviting all the beings, hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands, millions of beings are challenged in the same way. And sharing our compassion, our care. May all of us have ease with our challenge. In the midst of our challenge, may we be free from the sorrow, this pain. May we be with it, go through it with grace, with kindness. 

All dear beings, just like me you suffer, just like me. I see you in my mind's eye. There may be a child, an older person, someone on another continent, different race, different language, nationalities. All of us siblings in this way. They may not know you, and yet we are connected in this way. I wish you well, I wish you ease, as I wish it for myself. 

This is hard, friends, isn't it? This is hard. They understand, they know. They feel your pain, you feel theirs. If we could make all the suffering be eased. Suffering for all, all of you, all the beings who suffer in this way, all of us. 

I'm expanding the circle of compassion, of care, to include not just those who are challenged in the same way you are, but in different ways. All beings, all beings with their unique challenges, or not so unique challenges. Similar dukkha. You may not know them, but everybody has them. Friends, family, loved ones, strangers, people you have challenges with, everyone. Oh dear beings. If I could make it all go away, be eased. May we all have ease. 

And just as we hold everyone, all beings in this practice with kindness, with compassion, wishing ease, freedom, grace with suffering, also knowing that none of us is defined by, limited to our pain or sorrow. There's so much more magnificence to each and every one of us than our pain. May our suffering, our pain, open us up to compassion, more compassion for ourselves and others. Feeling with, feeling our pain, their pain. May we all grow in wisdom, all of us. 

And for the last moment of this practice period, holding with kindness whatever arose or did not arise. No need for judgment. You showed up and did your best, that's enough. We're planting seeds. Don't know when they will flower, all we can do is to plant them. We can't force them to flower under our timetable. Offering the seeds you have planted, this goodness co-created by all of us together in the sangha. Offering this goodness, may it be a cause for ease, for happiness, for freedom for all beings everywhere. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including ourselves. 

Thank you all. Thank you for your practice. 

## Reflections and Q&A

So we have a few minutes for reflections, comments, questions, aha moments, anything that might have opened up for you or is challenging. It's all welcome. I'd like to share reports from the field for the benefit of yourself being held witness, and everyone's benefit. We, as you already know, benefit from each other's practice. So in that spirit of offering, generosity, offering your practice to others, anyone would like to share what did you notice? What was different here? What came up? 

You can also type in chat. If you type to me privately, I will not read your name. And if you type them to everyone, then I will read your name. 

Also, one private reflection: "I'm grateful for my compassion toward myself and others." Beautiful. Two for one, compassion and gratitude. Love it. Being grateful for compassion, that is just lovely, for yourself and others.

**Gita:** Nikki, I have a question. Can you speak to the role of noticing the feeling tone in holding difficult emotions? I remember during the meditation that it can be a way of simplifying stories and bringing things from potentially overwhelm to something that we can hold, because it is feeling tone and not all the interpretations, stories, and other narratives that might come with it. But I don't remember much more. It just occurred to me suddenly and it came in quite helpful, but I might be representing that incorrectly.

**Nikki:** Yeah, I'm so glad you brought that in, Gita. Yes, that is one way to simplify, especially if the mind sometimes might fall in, to sink into the storyline. And if it's a really heavy storyline, then one can stay with—so I would say multiple things. There's the feeling tone, which is the vedanā[^7], and that's what you're referring to. So it's just unpleasant, just very ever so simply unpleasant. "This is unpleasant," holding the unpleasantness. 

There's also staying with the feeling, right? Staying with the feeling in the body, the feeling of maybe heaviness, contraction in the heart, sadness. You know, there could be like these various feelings or emotions. Well actually, there are two, bifurcating more: there are the feelings in the body, and then there are the emotions in the mind. And of course, there's interaction there. So letting go of the storyline, yes, very helpful, but there are different levels one can attend to. 

Instead of saying, "Oh, poor me, this is awful, this is terrible, why me?"—yeah, definitely let go of that. I'm so glad you brought this up for everyone's benefit. And then it could be just like, "Oh, this is hard. This is sad, disappointed," whatever the emotion might be. And then another layer of feeling in the body, what's happening in the body. Or even going one level simpler, which is the feeling tone. So all of these are available and whatever is skillful to work with. Yeah, thank you, Gita.

Jamie says: "Thank you for helping me touch the most tender, most wonderful parts of myself and see they can be gifts." Ah, lovely. Thank you, Jamie. Beautiful.

Marianne says: "It was relaxing to think about how anyone would be challenged by a stressful circumstance."

Yes, another question comes on YouTube: "How can I have compassion towards someone doing mean things and very egotistic? So how can you have compassion towards people who have harmed you?" 

For that, one needs to separate the actions from the humanity, because they've done actions to harm, and you do not condone the actions, and yet they're hurting. It's often said that hurt people hurt people. So you open up to their hurt and you feel compassion for them. You don't have to condone the actions or even forgive the actions, but you can be in touch with the humanity there.

Fossil says: "This was a challenging day at work. With your instructions at the end of the meditation, though, what happened is okay. May the seeds of practice bear fruit in life whenever they may." Yeah, beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. I appreciate that for everyone. Yeah, it's okay. May the seeds of practice bear fruit in life whenever they may. It's all okay. Beautiful.

So dear friends, let us transition at this point to small groups. As I make the breakout groups in a moment, remember please to speak just from your own experience. Not commenting, reflecting, managing the group, or other people's experience, not asking probing questions. Just speak from your first-person experience. 

And each person, if you have five nuggets you want to share, just share one in the first round. You'll say something, the next person will go in alphabetical order, and then the third person will say something. If there are three people, then you'll go around and around again, speaking just from your own personal experience, and having a sense of mettā[^8], compassion for yourself and others. These are fellow practitioners in this space, practicing just like you. You may not know their challenge, but can you hold a compassionate space? And also, if it comes to you, you can say pass. You don't have to speak. You can say pass, and you can just hold a compassionate space. It's perfectly fine if you're feeling quiet or if you want to witness for a few rounds.

So remember, be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. This is such a precious opportunity to practice kindness and be embodied. The easiest way to actually monitor what you're saying is to be embodied. See what it feels like in the body. If you feel like, "Oh, I'm saying this to impress"—like, "Oh yeah, maybe I don't want to say this, I just want to stay with my experience." Stay humble, stay close to your experience. And again, you're speaking for your own benefit, not to educate or impress anyone. Very important. So, creating the rooms. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other here.

[Breakout groups]

Okay, everyone's back. The rooms are closed. So we have just about a couple of minutes for any insights, any last words, maybe reports from the groups. Any insights? You can type in chat or raise your hand. Don't be shy, especially if you haven't spoken.

**Questioner:** Nikki, thank you. Could you expand a little bit on the feeling—how to bifurcate feelings and be authentic with how you're feeling, not reactive? I was trying to process that a bit.

**Nikki:** There are two different questions here. You're asking—so help me understand. There's not being reactive, and there is the question about bifurcating the feelings. Say your question clearly again.

**Questioner:** So when you were speaking before, it seemed that I understood it, but when I started to try to talk about it, I realized I hadn't.

**Nikki:** Okay, so what was I talking about? All right, that's a clear question. [Laughter]

**Questioner:** Maybe the person who asked it could say, but it was about staying—

**Nikki:** I get it, I get it. Let me say one more time. So the idea is, you know, there is the storyline, right? Oh, actually let me change the settings in the chat. I see, hold on, here we go. The reflections. You know, with what is happening, there is often a storyline. Like, "Oh, I'm sick, this is hard, it's terrible, my back hurts." Right? There's a storyline, and then there's often second arrows. "Why me?" Like, there's all that. And then there's actually, let's say your back hurts, there's the physicality of it. 

And then there is a kind of sadness. "Oh, I really wanted to go play tennis, and I can't do that." Right? There's just these different levels. So letting go of the storyline, and just feeling the physicality of the pain, right, which is unpleasant, has an unpleasant feeling tone right there. Or, and also perhaps just the emotional sense: "Oh, there's sadness, there's sorrow. Oh, this is heavy." And that also has an unpleasant feeling tone, if you wanted to feel that. 

But whichever way you go—you can choose any of those, you can choose the physicality, you can choose the emotion, you can choose the feeling tone, or all of them together—let go of the story. That's the bottom line. Clear now?

**Questioner:** Thank you.

**Nikki:** You're welcome. Great. So, let's see. Very quickly, I'll read a few reflections. "Lovely, lovely chat in my group." Daniel apologizes to Jerry and Bill: "My mic is not working." Just sharing that because the chat was to me, not to everyone. "Thank you for a wonderful, beautiful group." Oh, that's sweet. 

"Going to take up the practice of not educating others with speech. I'm going to fail a lot, so it should be fun." Oh, that is sweet. I appreciate the humility there. 

All right, dear ones. Thank you for practicing for yourself, for others. May you all be well. May all of us, all beings everywhere, may we all be free. Thank you.

---

[^1]: **Sangha:** A Pali word representing the Buddhist community of monks, nuns, novices, and laity. In a broader sense, it refers to the community of practitioners.
[^2]: **Joan Halifax:** An American Zen Buddhist teacher, anthropologist, ecologist, and hospice caregiver.
[^3]: **Karuṇā:** A Pali word meaning compassion, one of the four Brahma-viharas.
[^4]: **Mary Oliver:** An acclaimed American poet, known for her poems exploring the natural world and the human experience.
[^5]: **Dukkha:** A Pali word often translated as "suffering," "stress," or "unsatisfactoriness."
[^6]: Original transcript said 'the sword dukkha', corrected to 'the word dukkha' based on context.
[^7]: **Vedanā:** A Pali word meaning "feeling" or "feeling tone." It refers to the pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral feeling that arises when our internal or external sense organs come into contact with their objects.
[^8]: **Mettā:** A Pali word meaning loving-kindness or goodwill.