Happy Hour: Metta and (Spiritual) Friendship

This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video Happy Hour: Metta and (Spiritual) Friendship. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.

The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on August 07, 2021. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: Metta and (Spiritual) Friendship

Introduction

Hello sangha^[1]. Hi, welcome to Happy Hour. If the audio is alright, give me a thumbs up. Awesome, fantastic. Greetings all! Hi Neil, hi Bill, hello Claire, hi Peggy. Hi Linda from smoky Utah—worst air quality in the world today. I'm so sorry, Linda, I hope you can stay inside. Hello Wayne from near Point Richmond. Hi Kenneth from Albuquerque. Hi Na from Singapore, good morning to you. It is sweet to see all the hellos, and you are all also welcome to unmute yourselves if you'd like to say hello. Hi Eileen from Honolulu, good afternoon to you. It is nice to see the sangha coming together this Friday—or Saturday for Na and others joining from other time zones.

Let's get started formally. Neil is going to post information about the Happy Hour Google Groups any moment. There it is, thank you, Neil. As you already know, that is where you can join; information is shared about Happy Hour, quotes, resources, and information amongst yourselves. At this point, I have changed the settings so accidental unmuting is not possible, and chats will only come to me if something urgent comes up, say if the audio drops out. I will also turn on the recording for the sake of AudioDharma.

Hello and welcome again to Happy Hour, practicing together.

Spiritual Friendship

It is said that the Buddha was asked by Ānanda^[2] if spiritual companionship, spiritual friendship, is half of the holy life. And he said, "No, Ānanda, no, it is not half of the holy life. It is all of the holy life. It's a hundred percent of the holy life."

So, walking this path together, practicing together, supporting each other—we are not alone. We don't do this practice alone. Just knowing that, just showing up to Happy Hour, there are other people showing up with you. If you wish, you're welcome to put yourselves on gallery view so you can see each other. I can't do that because, for security and privacy reasons, I spotlight my image so that only my image shows on YouTube, not yours and not your names. But just to get a sense of appreciation as you look at each other, as you look at this sangha. Just have a sense of the sangha supporting each other.

Happy Hour may not be happening if it wasn't for you showing up. Appreciating yourself, appreciating each other, knowing that you are providing support for others simply by showing up. And, of course, I trust in so many other ways, but simply by showing up. We will use this reflection as the basis of our practice today.

Guided Meditation

As always, we're going to start with settling the body with the breath. And given that it's Friday, or Saturday for many of you, we'll start with a lot of silence to just arrive and settle in the body together.

Let's begin. Let's arrive.

Arriving in this body, in this breath, in this moment. Feeling the feet grounded, touching the earth. Your sit bones, your legs perhaps touching the earth. Bringing awareness. Landing, landing. Connecting, arriving here. Here.

Awareness turned inward. Connecting with the entire in-breath and out-breath. Calming, soothing, with each breath. Connecting with yourself, with this body, with this breath.

Awareness holding awareness, and awareness expansive. Expansive, holding all that rise and pass away in this moment's experience. Here. Not the last moment, not the next one, just here. The magic, the magic of the mundane. It seems perhaps mundane, but it's amazing, this moment. Right here.

I'd like to invite you to bring to mind one of your spiritual friends. And maybe up until this moment, you really didn't think of this person as a spiritual friend. But someone who loves the dharma^[3], who is dedicated to cultivating themselves in kindness, in awareness, and mindfulness. It might be a good friend, a close friend, or it could be someone that you've met maybe at Happy Hour or other sanghas. You know this person, they inspire you, you feel supported by them. Just the fact that they practice supports you.

Bringing this spiritual friend up to your mind's eye. Feeling your connection with them, your appreciation for them. And if you're having a hard time choosing one friend, it's okay. We're going to invite other friends in a moment, just settle on someone. It's okay, it's all good.

Maybe you've had a conversation about practice with them, shared something that has inspired you, or you've had a vulnerable conversation about dukkha^[4], about suffering, about the challenges of life. And they've invited you, just by showing up, to see it from the perspective of the dharma, the way things are, cultivation, ethics, etc.

Feeling your connection to this person. A spiritual friend, we'll call them in this moment. And wishing them well in your heart. Thanking this spiritual friend. Spiritual friendship is all, it's a hundred percent of the holy life. Thanking them in your heart, appreciating them, and wishing them well. Sharing mettā^[5], goodwill, kindness.

"May you be safe from inner and outer harm, my friend." "May you be happy and joyful, my friend." "May you be healthy and strong in your body, my friend." "May you have ease. May you meet the moments of your life with ease, my friend."

Continuing the phrases of mettā if you wish, whatever phrase you want to use or not, sharing goodwill with this spiritual friend.

And now, let us see ourselves from the perspective of this spiritual friend. They too see us as a spiritual friend. The fact that we practice, that we cultivate our hearts and minds, that we love this practice as much as we do, even if it's a tiny bit. It is inspiring to them. Our showing up is inspiring to this friend, this spiritual friend, this kalyāṇa-mitta^[6]. Seeing their appreciation for us. Letting ourselves be the recipient of their appreciation, their mettā, their friendliness, their goodwill.

"As a spiritual friend, may I be safe from inner and outer harm." Joining our good wishes to theirs for ourselves. "As a spiritual friend, may I be happy, joyful." "As their spiritual friend, may I be healthy and strong." "As their spiritual friend, may I have ease, meeting the moments of my life with as much ease as possible."

Knowing that you are a spiritual friend to others, you support others by showing up. "May I be well." "May I know my own goodness. May I recognize my own goodness. May I be well." "May I wake up to my own goodness. May I be well."

Now bringing to mind your friend again, your spiritual friend you've brought in, and yourself. The two of you, supporting each other. All the ways that you inspire each other, have inspired each other. "May both of us be well. May both of us wake up to our inner goodness, letting it shine brightly, supporting each other and ourselves in the world. May both of us be well."

Feeling your connections with this friend. Receiving, giving. The goodness of the flow, the engagement.

Now, if you wish, opening up and inviting other spiritual friends, other kalyāṇa-mitta who've inspired you with their practice. It could also be teachers in this class, on this path. Friends, teachers are spiritual friends; it's not a guru model. Friends, spiritual friends, teachers, guides—inviting them all. Inviting your sangha in your mind's eye to your heart. And wishing each individual well, thanking them in your heart for inspiring you, supporting you. Knowing that you support others with your practice, you inspire others. Sharing mettā, friendliness, goodwill from all friends.

Allow your heart, if you wish, to celebrate the goodness of friendship. The gift of friendship, spiritual friendship.

For the last moment of this practice, allowing the mettā, the goodwill, the friendliness to be spread far and wide. To all friends. To all friends who support you or challenge you, even. Spread it to all beings everywhere. All of us beings, we are just walking each other home.

"May all beings know their own goodness, wake up to their true nature. May all beings be free." Including ourselves.

Reflections and Q&A

Thank you all. Thank you, sangha, kalyāṇa-mitta, spiritual friends, for your practice, for showing up. We have time for reflections. Especially if you haven't shared in a while, or if you have shared primarily verbally. Pull back if you have, and if you haven't in a while, pull forward, please. You can type your reflections in the chat. If you type them just to me, I won't say your name, and if you type them to the whole sangha, I'll read your name also.

What did you discover in this practice? What was it like for you? What showed up? Your insights, your questions, your discoveries are a gift to the sangha and inspire other practitioners.

Fred, please.

Fred: Hi. You know, I could feel why that was important. I could feel the emotional energy. I could feel a lot kind of churning there, thinking about friends, but I don't really understand it. Could you explain more why this is so important? Why is spiritual friendship important?

Nikki Mirghafori: Well, let me ask you something and then I'll answer. When you were saying that you felt emotionally churning, would you say a little more about that, please, Fred?

Fred: I could very readily feel the connection and the good feeling for the person. And then the people that I began to picture, I could feel the connection between us. I suppose I might feel the same thing with friends of long duration and deep experience. I see that I'm beginning to answer my question here! There seems to be a kind of leap over years and leap over time spent together in the context of spiritual friendship, so that suddenly, while I might think of a spiritual friend who I haven't spent anywhere near as much time with—or not even in physical proximity as with older friends—still, there's a lot of good feeling and emotional energy there.

Nikki Mirghafori: Beautiful. You answered it better than what I was going to say. I'm just going to let that go, Fred, and honor what you said. It's beautiful. Thank you.

Terence, please.

Terence: Thank you. I found this to be like the most important kind of practice I've done in a while. I felt myself, in a sense, connected with the many people over the years of practice. There was this kind of responsibility, or nobility, that I felt in being engaged with them. It helped me dive more deeply into my practice of sensing and hearing, being present in a sense for them as well as with them. This is great, very good. Thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you, Terence. I'm inspired by your words and this nobility. It's beautiful. As I was leading it too, there's a sense of, "Oh yes, I connect with it more. It serves others; it's not just about me." It's serving others. There's that beauty of nobility that you are beautifully naming, Terence. Yes, thank you. Lovely.

Kenneth, please.

Kenneth: Hi Nikki. That was really, really sweet for me. My heart started to glow in the middle of that. I just wanted to mention one other thing that came from this sangha: I woke up the other day kind of contracted, and I held it with tenderness because somebody here had talked about holding it with tenderness. My higher self told me what to do—I said, "You need to do this," and I was like, "Thank you." So that came from this sangha. Thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: That is so lovely. My heart glows hearing your heart glowing with this practice, Kenneth. Just the sharings of the sangha, when somebody shares from their practice to "hold it with tenderness"—oh yes, it transforms! Beautiful. I'm getting chills, this is so gorgeous. Thanks for sharing that.

Jerry says: "I love your comment of your spiritual friends walking you home. I felt enveloped by this sangha. It felt safe and nurturing for me and all." Beautiful, thank you.

And Kia says: "I am not ready to share my full reflection yet, but want to echo a lot of what people are saying. I felt less alone and more tender for the past hour. Not that I typically feel lonely. This is my first time in this group, thank you for a wonderful first meditation."

Welcome, deeply, deeply welcome. I'm so happy you're joining us. Yes, a sense of connection with one another. Beautiful.

Small Group Reflections

So, dear ones, especially given that tonight's practice is about spiritual friendship, let us turn to small groups. In small groups of size three or four, practice for a few minutes with each other. Just holding each other with tenderness, just as Kenneth was talking about. Holding our hearts tenderly, holding ourselves tenderly, holding each other tenderly. These beautiful beings who, just like us, suffer. We all have suffering, every single one of us. We have challenges, and every single one of us has gifts, beauty, and insights.

So let's turn to practice for six or seven minutes in small groups, listening to each other, hearing each other, and ourselves. As always, we start with 15 seconds of silent mettā for ourselves and each other, and then share as little or as much as you wish.

Okay, the rooms are created, and now they are open. Enjoy.

(Breakout rooms session)

Okay, welcome back everyone. The rooms are closed, and we have a few minutes for reflections. What might have come up from the group conversations, from spiritual friendship conversations? Don't be shy. You can raise your hand if you wish, or type in the chat.

Bill, please.

Bill: Hello. Well, I think I stumbled over something here when you were talking—I seem to do that a lot. But you mentioned spiritual friends being all of the path, and I started obsessing over the fact that the vast majority of my friends have nothing to do with the dharma at all. I just kind of went down the wrong lane, I think, and I started obsessing about that. I'm not quite sure what to make of the statement in that context that spiritual friends are all the path. Does that mean a big part of my path is... a lot of my time I'm just not on the path? I don't know where I'm going with this, so there you go.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, no problem. Maybe one way to think about this—and I'll come back to what I was saying earlier when Fred asked the question and then beautifully answered it himself—is that even if we take the Buddhist context completely aside, and practice, mindfulness, and cultivation, if we just forget about all this for a moment and just think about psychology and social psychology... well, the friends you spend time with, the people that you spend time with, they impact you and you impact them. I mean, duh, of course, right? We know this as human beings. That's why parents care so much about what kind of people their kids spend time with.

So instead of going down the rabbit hole, Bill, what I would consider is: the friends that you spend time with, do they inspire you? Do they support you and want to cultivate you? They may not know anything about mindfulness, it doesn't matter, but do they inspire you to be the best person you want to be? Good, that's all.

Bill: Thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: You don't have to be strict about it so much. Spiritual friendship could be more general—people who inspire and bring the best out of you.

Jerry says: "Discovered muditā^[7] tonight in the small group because of the sangha occurring over COVID-19." Yes, I have so much gratitude for this sangha over COVID-19. It's been a gift to me, and from what I hear from many people, it's been a gift to many folks.

It is seven o'clock. Abram, I see your hand raised, so if it's very quick, go ahead.

Abram: Thanks. I just really liked your comment about just as I have been sending warmth, loving-kindness, compassion, and tenderness to my dear friends, just to stop and think that they send that to me. You somehow expressed that in terms of, they also have love and kindness for me. So I just really appreciated that. Thank you so much for bringing that up.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, so nice to grok that. Thank you. Sweet, sweet.

So dear ones, the time has come for us to bring our practice in sangha, this edition of Happy Hour, to an end. Thank you for showing up and cultivating your hearts and minds for your own sake and the sake of all those whose lives you touch.

May all beings be happy. May all beings be free.