Guided Meditation: Beneficial Awareness; Dharmette: Wise Speech (4 of 5) Beneficial Speech

This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video Guided Meditation: Beneficial Awareness; Wise Speech (4 of 5) Beneficial Speech. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.

The following talk was given by Gil Fronsdal at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on August 31, 2023. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Guided Meditation: Beneficial Awareness

Hello everyone. Welcome to this meditation session and the talk that will follow.

A few words about meditation, or mindfulness, before we start: it can be useful to divide up our experience into two halves and give each half equal value. One half is whatever is happening to us, whatever our experience is. The other half is how we're aware of it, the mindfulness of it.

Commonly, we're concerned with our experiences, our thoughts, our ideas, the content of our thoughts. It's appropriate to do so—to be concerned, focused, and aware of that. But sometimes we're so aware of it, so involved in our thoughts, so involved with our experience and the conversation we're having, that we're not really attuned to this whole other half. And that is how we're aware, how we're attending, how we're mindful. By giving it so much value in this little description, I'm emphasizing that it's really important to be aware of how we're aware. It's actually a key to living a happier, more easeful, peaceful, and calmer life.

If we're not consumed by, preoccupied by, or fully engaged in the content of our experience—what's happening in the moment, our thoughts about the past and the future, our ideas and fantasies—but rather, we open up and really take into account the other whole half of awareness, we find the domain where we discover and tune into ourselves in a meaningful and deep way. That's where we begin discovering freedom.

So there's a simple guideline for what I'm talking about today, and that is: whenever you're aware of what's happening to you—the breathing, the body, your emotions, your thoughts, the sounds around you, whatever it might be—ask yourself, is the way that you're aware of it beneficial? Is the manner in which you're receiving it and registering it enjoyable? Is it satisfying? Is it peaceful? Or is it unsatisfying? Is it agitating, conflictive, resistant, assertive, and greedy? What comes along with that way of being aware?

See if you can find a place where, no matter how uncomfortable the experience is, how you're aware of it is comfortable. No matter how agitated your experience is—maybe you're agitated in your body or your emotional life—how you recognize, "Oh, I am agitated," is not agitated. No matter how sad or depressed you might feel, the knowing that you're sad or depressed is not sad or depressed. There's a clarity, a receptivity. It just feels very simple.

It isn't so much that we have to make ourselves that way, but rather it's the nature of awareness to be very, very simple. If we can recognize or find that simplicity that's already there, you might find that it's beneficial. It's enjoyable, it's nourishing, it's just a nice place to be. It doesn't deny everything else, but it changes the whole ecology. We can then be with our experience in a way that might actually be much wiser, more caring, and non-reactive.

So in this sitting today, ask yourself the question: "Am I aware in a beneficial way?" And if not, can you relax and find some way to be aware that is simple and much more satisfying?

Assuming a meditation posture, and lowering your gaze or closing your eyes, begin right away by bringing your attention to yourself. Check in and recognize what's here for you in your experience. How are you aware of your body, your mind, your heart? Are you aware in a beneficial way, a satisfying way, or even an enjoyable way?

Then, becoming aware of your breathing, the body's experience of breathing. Taking a few long, slow, deep breaths. Relax as you exhale. Settling in here and now.

Letting your breathing be normal, and with every exhale, see if you can let go or loosen up. Lighten up around your thinking. Letting go of thoughts and settling into your body.

Sitting here quietly, aware of your breathing. Noticing whatever it is that takes you away from the breathing, and returning again to your breathing.

Let's see if you can adjust your knowing—the way that you know—so that it feels pleasant, enjoyable. That the knowing in and of itself is beneficial. Not that what you know is beneficial, but how you know, how you're aware. Maybe you can be relaxed around it, calm, receptive. Maybe it's a knowing that has no boundaries around it, and so the spaciousness of knowing feels good.

Not being in a hurry in knowing, but whatever you know, to know it clearly, as if you're making greater room for the experience. That the awareness has greater room feels good.

How clear is your awareness now? Can you be aware in a way that's clear, open, receptive, making room for what's happening? So that awareness is not hijacked by our agendas, our desires, our impulses. Being aware in a way that you appreciate being aware feels good. It feels beneficial.

As we come to the end of the sitting, spend a few moments considering ways in which your awareness—your knowing of what's happening in the present—is something you can appreciate. There's a value, there's a rightness or peacefulness in how you're aware. Maybe awareness is not hijacked by selfish assertion or self-criticism. Awareness is receptive, open. It has room to experience whatever is happening in the present.

In whatever sense you have of awareness that has this goodness or rightness to it, consider what it's like now to be aware this way of other people, of others when you're together. [Laughter] Maybe nothing's required of you; you don't have to speak. But is there some way to be aware of others in this beneficial awareness?

What's it like to be aware where you're giving room for other people to be as they are? Where being aware of them is not mixed up with our desires, our aversions, and our self-concerns? Almost as if there's lots of room in our mind and our hearts for others to be as they are. And in all that room, there's more space for our kindness, our care, our goodwill for others.

As we end this meditation, may the goodwill we have travel out into the boundless space of awareness, beyond awareness.

May all beings be happy. May all beings be peaceful. May all beings be safe. May all beings be free.

And may we, in how we're aware, support people in being free, at least free of ourselves. Thank you.

Dharmette: Wise Speech (4 of 5) Beneficial Speech

Good morning, good day. This is the fourth talk on wise speech, and today's talk is about beneficial speech. The Buddha gave five criteria to be used as a reference point, as a support for wise speech.

To repeat what we've done so far is... and now my mind just went blank. Is it... yeah. So that's amazing to have a mind that can't recall just a little bit, coming out of meditation right now, that the words are not quite here yet. But today's talk is: is the speech beneficial?

The question then is, when we're about to speak or when we're speaking, does it have a good impact? Is the intent beneficial? Is what we're doing helpful in having a conversation? The question makes us consider what it is we want to accomplish. Is it timely? Is it true? Is it pleasant? Do we speak in a way that people will listen with a feeling that this is coming across with a kind, supportive voice? Does what we're going to say touch people's hearts? But most importantly, is it beneficial?

There are certainly times when we feel that we need to speak what's true. Times we feel like we've been waiting for a long time, or there can't be any other time. We might feel that, yes, we're going to do this in a kind, gentle way. But the person we're speaking to is not capable of hearing it, registering it, or taking it in. No matter how much we think it's true, how much we think that it has to be talked about, the person is shut down. The person is not receptive in any kind of way. To exhaust ourselves trying to explain, trying to find a way to get in and make ourselves heard, is a waste of our own energy. It's kind of harmful for us sometimes.

Sometimes it's hard to believe that people are not amenable to a conversation, not available to hear the truth, or not available to have a serious conversation, so we keep trying and trying. But there are times when it's not beneficial to have a conversation with someone. Sometimes it's not beneficial because there'll be retribution—they'll be angry, they'll be upset. We know if we bring something up, that's what's going to come back. Maybe because they're in a bad mood, and you kind of feel that there's an angry cloud over the person. If you come talk to them about something you feel is really necessary, they're going to just react in such a strong way that it makes the whole thing worse.

Some people are just too guarded and defensive; they're not going to lower their guard. They're not going to allow any kind of valuable, truthful conversation to happen. They'll just shut down, they'll avoid, they'll deny. So at some point, it becomes a waste of time. At some point, it no longer becomes beneficial. At some point, it's actually harmful. There are people who use the truth to harm people, saying, "I'm just speaking the truth." Sometimes people are receptive and ready to hear the truth, but the way we say it is so harsh and judgmental that, because of how we're saying it, it is not beneficial.

If what you're saying is not going to be beneficial, the Buddha says don't bother. Don't exhaust yourself when it's not beneficial.

This goes back to the question of timeliness. Sometimes you have to wait a long time before someone is ready and receptive, until there's a shift and change in their lives. Sometimes there's the wisdom of waiting. Sometimes the truth is true, but we haven't learned how to say it. We haven't learned all the details or all the aspects of it. The piece of it we know is true, but we don't know the bigger picture.

For example, the action a person has done might seem terribly misguided or wrong. It's true to point that out to them, but what we don't know is the internal challenges they're living under. Maybe they feel really afraid, insecure, or they've just had a terrible loss that they're grieving. Coming with the truth of the action really misses the person. The truth doesn't work in a circumstance where someone's inner life is in turmoil.

Is there more truth to open up to? Do we have to take time to get to know the person better and understand what's happening, and then be gentle and kind? Even gentleness and kindness don't come across well to some people. One of the ways to find our way with speech is to not come assertively. Do not begin our speech by being aggressive, but begin with simple questions that try to understand what's going on in a bigger way. "What happened? What was happening to you when you did X?" or "I was really troubled by what happened before. From your point of view, what was it that happened there when you said X, Y, and Z to me?"

Don't come immediately with assertions as if you know what's going on, but ask simple, almost innocent questions to discover more. "That was hard yesterday. What was going on for you?" or "How was that for you?" As you start unpacking and learning what's going on, you might learn what's beneficial. It is beneficial to get to know the person better, learn what's going on, and slowly fill in the picture of all the pieces you're missing. Once you understand a person better, you can have a better sense of the beneficial way to speak to them. Maybe you know more. You could offer an appreciation, some gratitude, or some empathy for how they are, and only then is it beneficial to speak. Do not go headlong into a conversation, but find a way to ease into a difficult conversation if possible.

If you're unsure if what you're going to say is beneficial, maybe you go about it in a roundabout way. Maybe you find other things to talk about for a while that are supportive or connecting, which creates a richer relationship. After a while of doing that, then you switch over. I've been in conflict with people, asked to meet with them, sat down, and said, "Before we talk about this challenge we have, can we just check in with each other? I'd like to know how you are, what you're up to these days, what's going on for you." Now I've entered the conversation in a more beneficial way—beneficial for me, maybe beneficial to the other person. Now I'm just trying to establish a human connection. Once that's established, then it's okay: "Now I'm ready to talk about our challenge." If I started immediately, it would have been challenging.

Finally, is it beneficial to speak? It isn't only what's beneficial for the other person, but what's beneficial for us. Are we in a situation—a state of mind, a state of heart—where having the conversation is going to be beneficial? Do I need to somehow come in a different mood, more rested, or not so charged from the events that are going on? Do I need to walk around the block so I can come back and be available in a beneficial way? Even though it's timely, even though it's true, even though we can speak gently—even with all that, addressing certain challenging topics might not be beneficial if we are triggered, exhausted, agitated, or over-activated.

This question of benefit is also connected to the purpose we have for the conversation. Ask ourselves, "What's my intention in speaking here? What am I trying to accomplish? Am I trying to put the person in their place? Am I trying to jab the person with my anger or my criticism to harm them? Am I trying to find a way to understand them better? Am I trying to establish some kind of richer human connection?" What's the intention? Ask yourselves if the purpose for which you want to speak is beneficial. If you have an answer for what the purpose is, ask again: "What purpose do I have that purpose for?" Really be clear that your purpose is beneficial.

I'd like to propose—and this is the way I like to live my life—asking, is it beneficial for everyone concerned? Can we have the welfare of everyone on our minds? Certainly our own welfare, but what is best for the person, even if this person has done something that's been harmful to us? There are times where what's best for this person is just to have them stop what they're doing. But to tell the person a piece of our mind—is that really what's beneficial for them?

This concern for the welfare of everyone is what the Buddha championed. It is this anukampā^[1], this care where we care for the welfare and happiness of everyone, even the people we're challenged with. Keep in mind this guideline: is it beneficial? It's a multi-dimensional question to ask.

As you go about your day today, you might consider this. Before and after you speak, look for times when you know you're going to say something or you're going to have a conversation, and spend some time asking, "What's beneficial here? What's beneficial for myself? What's beneficial for the other? Is the purpose of the conversation beneficial? Is how I'm going to have it going to be beneficial?" And then also do that after the conversation. Review what happened and consider: "Was that beneficial? How was that beneficial? Did I miss an opportunity there?"

May your conversations be beneficial for all involved. May they be helpful, and may it be a way of living your life that brings you greater peace and greater well-being. Thank you.