Happy Hour: Gratitude and Metta for Ancestors

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The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on October 12, 2021. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: Gratitude and Metta for Ancestors

Introduction

Hello everyone, and welcome to Happy Hour, wherever in the world you are in this moment. Today being Thanksgiving Day in Canada—as Kim just shared with us—and also being Indigenous Peoples' Day in the United States, the theme I'd like to invite us to engage with is gratitude and mettā^[1] for ancestors, for those who have come before us.

We might have known some of our ancestors. We might have known our parents, maybe we knew our grandparents, maybe we heard of our great-grandparents—maybe not. But these are people just like us who walked the earth and had challenges, hopes, and dreams. This being who is us in this moment represents their hopes and dreams for the future. They may not have envisioned us or known us, but if we go so many generations back, there is a sense of them sending to the future the best of them, the best they were able to give and offer.

So, the theme is one of mettā and gratitude. I don't want to get too heady about it because talking too much might feel a little overwhelming, but I invite us to just settle in, as always, into our bodies with our breath in this moment. Then I'll have some invitations to see what comes up, to see what you might get in touch with which may not have been present before. See what might bring up a sense of connection, aliveness, brightness, and a spark in your heart and mind. Let's explore together. Let's be curious and see what comes up. Let's have humility. With that, let's get started.

Guided Meditation

Landing in our bodies. Arriving in this moment.

This being who is me... this being breathes, sits, and walks the earth. This amazing, incredible, beautiful, sometimes confusing being who I am privileged to get to know more and more as I live. Getting to support the cultivation of this being who does the best they can and continues to want to grow, which is why they are showing up here.

Connecting with this person, with this being who is me, as if you're greeting yourself at your own door. Opening the door of your heart. Who's there? It's me. Hi, welcome! Come in, sit, rest, relax. You don't have to be anyone or do anything. You are accepted just the way you are in this moment. Friend, I don't judge you. I don't expect anything of you. Just come and sit, rest, and be friends.

Allowing the breath to move in the lower abdomen to be received in awareness. Greeting awareness, receiving the breath spaciously. The entirety of the in-breath and the out-breath. Simply aware.

If thoughts are arising, if the mind is going on trips and thinking, it's okay. Minds do that, like little puppies that get excited. It's okay. Come back, sweet puppy. Come back to your mind, dear awareness. Let's rest. Inviting awareness to rest in the belly and the lower abdomen, and greet the breath. Receive each breath.

You will find the puppy will set off again, and it's okay. Don't yank the leash back. Lovingly hug, caress, and pet awareness back gently, slowly, for it to rest with the breath. To rest and be nourished with the breath.

Awareness receiving not just the breath in the abdomen, but in the sit bones where your bottom connects with the cushion, your feet connected to the earth, your legs—all the contact points. Your hands receiving the sensations of breath and contact points can help the mind settle. Just arrive here, now.

Awareness intertwined with care, with kindness, and non-judgment. Receiving the breath and the sensations of the body to help our heart arrive and settle before we turn our awareness to mettā.

Now, I'd like to invite you, if you want to continue to stay connected to the body, let the center of gravity be low in your abdomen and your sit bones. Resting the body, relaxing, and settled. If you would, open your heart to someone you're descended from. A parent, grandparent, or someone earlier with whom you have a connection. Someone you appreciate, you are grateful for, and whose care and love you feel. It may not be that their entirety was loving or lovable, but perhaps just one aspect. Or maybe their entirety was loving and lovable, and you just connect to that one aspect that you really appreciate.

Bring this being, this person, to your mind's eye and to your heart. Inviting them: hello. If other people want to come in, bow to them and ask them to wait a little while, one person at a time. Just invite this one person first.

Let yourself open to sensing them and feeling them. They might be alive or passed away. The felt sense of this being may be an image of them, how they talked, their mannerisms, or how they made you feel. Just a sense, using whatever senses are most available to you. For some, maybe imagining an embrace, a hug, or if you were very little, sitting on their lap. Whatever conjures up a felt sense of this person for you.

If other relatives or ancestors want to come in, invite them and have them sit by the side for now while you really focus on your relationship with this one person first.

Opening to a sense of appreciation and gratitude for their care, their love, and whatever gifts they gave—gifts of time, affection, or attention. Or maybe they were passionate about something that they passed on to you. They nurtured something in you. Maybe they saw you—they really saw you. Make it yours; see how these invitations work for you.

The heart that is open to appreciation, gratitude, and giving thanks is naturally brightened with gladness and happiness.

The mind could veer to guilt or feeling like you haven't done enough, but bring the mind back. It's okay, dear mind. Come back, let's stay with seeing the goodness, the gratitude, and the appreciation. Let's intend our mind to stay, sweet puppy, to stay with seeing the good, the gifts, and the appreciation.

Notice if your heart feels naturally open to the generosity of mettā and love. If so, receiving love and giving love. Loving and being loved, whether this person is alive or passed. Loving them through the beyonds.

Notice now if other parents or ancestors want to join the circle. Join this first person being appreciated. You feel their love, and share your appreciation and love for them.

Acknowledging that sometimes our ancestors might have been complex characters, just as we are. They had their own causes and conditions. They did the best they could given their background, upbringing, circumstances, and cultural conditioning. Appreciating the good. You might have acted the same way being born into their body, life, and genes. Appreciating the good. Giving and receiving.

In your own time, allowing more ancestors to join. Maybe people you've only seen photographs of or just heard names of. Their blood runs through your veins. These human beings... you are their child.

Thank you for having existed. Thank you for doing the best you could, having the offspring who became my parent, my grandparent, my great-great-great-grandparent. We are connected in this web of humanity. Honoring and appreciating the challenges, the goodness, and the beauty.

If it gets too much at any point, just come back to the easiest connection. Maybe just a parent or your grandparents. Keep it limited. It's okay. See what works for you.

Experiment, if you would, by putting a palm on your heart center, connecting with yourself. This being who is me. Connecting your hand to your heart. Being touched with sincerity. Appreciating and loving, especially the complicated lives that may not have been so easy. Calling forth the parents, the ancestors.

Bringing to heart, bringing to mind, inviting your friends, your sangha^[2], and their ancestors. This web of humanity you're connected to. So many cultures from around the world—Western, Eastern, Indigenous, Northern, Southern. This planet Earth, all who have walked this earth and walk this earth today. This earth as a living organism and all its people.

Appreciating the complexity, the beauty, and the challenges of being human. Wishing well: May all beings be well. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free. All beings everywhere.

Thank you all for your practice.

Reflections and Q&A

Bringing in a sense of appreciation, gratitude, and thanksgiving for our ancestors allows mettā to arise from that, alongside a sense of interconnection. There are so many beings, so many cultures in this web of humanity. We're not alone, even though we might feel like an island, especially during cold times. We are not. In some ways, they are all present with us, in us. We are the being whom they have sent into the future. Here we are.

I'd love to open up for questions, comments, and reflections. The chat is open. If you send reflections directly to me, I will only read your reflection, not your name. If it's to everyone, I'll read your name. You can also raise your hand when a reflection comes up.

"Compassion for Black Americans cut off from their family histories by slavery." Yes, thank you for bringing that in. So much can open up in this practice, seeing the pain, the challenges of histories, and also the historical trauma and pains of ancestors that many people carry. Thank you for bringing that in.

Compassion, awareness... I would love to hear more about what came up for you. What happened? What was challenging? What did you discover?

Kim says, "That was beautiful. Thank you." You are so welcome.

Someone says, "The complexities of my ancestors, what a rich stew." Yes.

"I like the connections to all of us even if we may seem alone."

Deborah says, "I'm still processing a lot of grief over the loss of both my parents in the past five years. This brought up gratitude and tears." Thank you, Deborah. And just to add to "the complexities of my ancestors, what a rich stew," there is also the complexities of this worldwide saga, what a rich stew! Indeed. Thank you.

Yerba says on YouTube, "This theme was beautiful and profound for me. Thank you. This opened up a lot for me."

David from Oak Harbor, Washington, says, "Thank you Nikki, thank you sangha. Grateful for our ancestors, intending atonement."

Diana, I see your hand is up. Please go ahead.

Diana: I was really stuck because I am feeling sad that I don't have a whole train of ancestors I know about. My parents put them down; we only saw them in distant pictures. It was kind of grim. And yet, I remembered my mother used to talk about an ancestor who came across the country to California in a Conestoga covered wagon. She always talked about this person... I thought, what the heck, that's going to be an ancestor I know nothing about. What their life must have been, what kind of cultural conditions it must have been. So now I have an ancestor to appreciate. That's great.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you for that. I have to say, also for me as I was practicing, you know, there are so many of my ancestors I don't know, and I just imagine, "Oh yeah, that person must have had a father and a mother." I'm like, "Hey, come in! I don't even know your names, welcome, welcome." Because, of course, we have lots of ancestors even if we don't know them. It's the beauty of us being here as human beings. Of course we have ancestors. Mark, please.

Mark: I moved to the West Coast and my mother was still on the East Coast where I grew up. I tried to visit four times a year, or made it at least three anyway, and would stay for a week to visit. About 13 years ago, I went for one of these visits. I flew in and got there pretty late at night, rang the bell, and she met me. We went into the living room and hugged. It was one of those hugs where she was just pulling me inside of her, and she said, "Oh, I just love you so much." It wasn't that she'd never said that before, but not often. It was just one of those rare moments of just pulling you inside. So, we had our visit which was fine and great, and I went back to the West Coast. Two weeks later, I got a call that she had a stroke and she died. I was just so grateful for that moment just at the end from her. This meditation brought that all back again and I was just loving. Thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: What a gift, Mark. Thank you for sharing that beautiful moment of love with all of us. I feel the grace of her love gracing all of us, pulling you in and pulling all of us into that love that's just so lovely. Beautiful, thank you, Mark.

[At this point, the group transitioned into small breakout rooms for a brief period to practice bringing their ancestors into the space with one another. After the rooms closed, the group reconvened.]

Nikki Mirghafori: Welcome back, everyone. Nick, you had your hand up before the breakout rooms.

Nick: Thanks Nikki, I appreciate being part of the group. It was very sticky, a little bit uncomfortable. I knew this day would come where I'd be in a meditation group talking about ancestors. My ancestors have been in America for like eight generations, and they were involved in everything—epic battles, building fortunes, and unfortunately, all the bad things they were involved in too. My point was that I'm going to try not to romanticize their actions and just kind of focus on how they had a lot of strength. They certainly had strength and determination, and I'm sure I got some of that. I've had my own successes. That was the point that I wanted to make.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you so much, Nick. Thank you for bringing that in. Yes, absolutely, not to romanticize our ancestors. They were wonderful, beautiful, and flawed people just like us. They are a mixed bag just like we are. They had good intentions in the way they saw their intentions, and it's complicated, especially with history. Who knows, maybe history will look back at us and say, "Yep, they had good intentions and they really messed up in these ways, they messed up the environment."

So, to appreciate both. It's a "both/and." To appreciate their goodness, and given what they knew they did the best they could, and yeah, they were flawed in many ways. And so are we. So, yes, all of that. Appreciating all of that. Thank you, Nick, it's so important to bring that in. I really appreciate you bringing that in.

So dear ones, the time has come. Thank you for engaging with this interesting, challenging, and opening practice to see our interconnectedness in all these ways. Thank you for showing up and cultivating your heart and awareness. In unfathomable ways, may you be well. May all beings everywhere be well, safe, and happy. Thank you.