Happy Hour: Should-Free Gratitude Practice

This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video Happy Hour: Should-Free Gratitude Practice (Nikki Mirghafori). It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.

The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on July 02, 2020. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: Should-Free Gratitude Practice

Introduction

So for tonight, what I'd like to guide us through for us to practice together is one of the practices of the heart that is very nourishing. It's very nourishing, very healing. It provides support, provides gladness—hence "Happy Hour"—and it's a practice that you might be familiar with already. Of course, every time we do a practice, it's a different time, right? At a different time in the stream of our lives, we're stepping into it from a different moment in our lives.

It's the practice of gratitude. Practicing gratefulness for what's available in our lives, in our heart, in our bodies. A couple of things I want to say about it before we start the practice is that it's not a practice of "should." You don't have to be grateful for anything. We do this practice not with a sense of, "Oh, I should be grateful. Oh God, okay, I don't really feel grateful. I feel really grumpy right now." That's fine. That's perfectly fine.

Make sure the invitations that you give yourself are just checking out: "Oh yeah, can I be grateful for this? Is there anything I can be grateful for?" A very gentle invitation. Because as soon as one starts with a sense of, "Oh, I should be grateful, there's nothing really going wrong with my life," it becomes a very tight and difficult practice. It's best to just stay with the breath, stay with the body. Just stay with the simplicity of breathing and sitting, instead of taking a beating, instead of self-flagellating yourself with whatever self-judgment you usually do in your mind's eye. So that's one thing I want to warn us against at the outset. Because gratitude really works—this practice to open the heart, to bring a sense of goodness and fullness, a sense of resourcefulness, a sense of the cornucopia that's available—it only works if it's gently done. If the heart finds its own way, it's not beaten over the head or beaten around the bush. I want to bring that in as something to be mindful of.

What is beautiful about natural gratitude, as it arises naturally, is that we're going to set the conditions for gratitude to arise, if it wants to arise. That's the best we can do with any practice or every practice. We set the conditions in place, in motion, and kind of invite it to arrive.

I see at least one kitty on the screen right now. I saw a kitty or two on the screen. So it's just like playing with a shy kitty. You put out milk, you put out some yummy food, and you're like, "Okay sweetie, do you want to come out? Kitty, kitty, kitty... any gratitude? Gratitude, come out, I have put out some milk. I've set the conditions." Just a very playful invitation. Oh yeah, I see another kitty now on this screen! How sweet, this is great. I see Olivia's kitty right now, makes me happy. [Laughter] So yes, let's do this practice with that spirit of playfulness, of invitation. And if the kitty doesn't want to come out, that's okay. We'll just keep putting the milk out, maybe just stroking it a little bit. If it doesn't want it, it's all good. It's an invitational practice, an aspiration. That's what I want to bring in about the spirit of the practice: very gentle, very loving, easygoing.

A couple of things I want to say about the benefit of the practice before we start. Why the heck do this practice anyway? Well, our minds tend to turn naturally towards what's lacking, what's missing, what's negative, what's going wrong, what's not right. Out of wisdom, in order to balance the negativity bias that we all have as human beings—it's part of our psychology, we tend to gravitate towards what's difficult, otherwise our ancestors wouldn't have survived—we turn our minds intentionally towards what is not lacking. Towards what is full, towards the cornucopia of our lives. Otherwise, we miss it. We focus on what we don't have, and we miss all the things that are present. Instead of living in a sense of scarcity and lack, which feels like the poorest room in the house of our heart, we can instead leave that room and take our lodgings in a room that feels palatial. "Wow, there is so much goodness." We can choose which room to hang out in. Let's choose to hang out in a room that's more nourishing. Especially when times are tough, especially when very challenging circumstances are happening for all of us in our world, it's a good time to nourish ourselves with gratitude.

One last thing I want to say is that there's also my favorite practice of radical gratitude. This is seeing if the mind and the heart can open up to even feeling gratitude for what, at first glance, is not good. It's a challenge in our lives, but can we see an aspect of it which is actually a blessing? That is an invitation that, towards the end of this guided meditation, I will invite you to play around with if you want. You don't have to; just experiment with it. See if there can be another perspective, and seeing what's challenging, appreciate it from a completely different perspective.

Guided Meditation

So with all of that, ah... you can let the words go. Shake it out.

Ah... and now I invite you to settle. I invite you to settle in your seat, wherever you're sitting. If you need to move right now to sit more comfortably, this is a perfect time to move. Allowing your body to have a sense of ease.

First and foremost, just landing. "Hello body, hi, how are you in this moment?" Ah... checking in with the body. Maybe the body says, "I feel tired. I feel heavy. I feel light. This part of me is achy, this part of me is tight, this part of me feels good, this part of me would like to relax a little more." Just checking in, how is the body in this moment? Really greeting yourself with friendliness, kindness, care. "Oh dear body, how are you?"

Inviting the breath to move through the body. Settle, calm, and relaxed. Letting yourself enjoy being breathed. The simplicity of just sitting and being breathed. Letting this be enough, just sitting and being breathed.

With each breath, arriving, calming, soothing. As if you were, in fact, with each in-breath and out-breath, stroking a little kitty or your favorite animal. Calming, soothing. Letting the breath be like the stroking, connecting with the entire breath, stroking your body, the inside of your body. Relaxing, inviting every muscle to soften with each in-breath and out-breath. Maybe you start to purr yourself with each breath.

As we settle in the first few minutes of this practice with just the breath and the body, setting the conditions in place. And as you are sitting and being breathed in this moment—the breath moving in and out of the body—maybe your body is a little more relaxed, a little softer. Maybe perhaps your mind is just a little calmer. Maybe not, which is fine too. Connecting with the inner experience of being awake, aware of this body breathing. The sense of awareness internally, as if you were really connecting with yourself in this moment. Really touching into the sense of your presence right now.

And letting the sense of awareness of yourself—of this being sitting, being breathed, sensations of breathing, awareness of the body, breath, maybe sounds too... maybe inviting now, you can stay with your body and your breath if you wish, all good. If you wish, you can open up your awareness, if you like in this moment, to something that feels good, pleasant, nice, supportive in this moment. Mmm... and see if this goodness, whatever it is in your body and your breath, your heart and your mind, sensations, whether a sense of appreciation for it arises. Just savoring it. Savoring.

However little there might be. And if not, don't question, just allow yourself to revel in just sitting and breathing. And if there is a little bit of delight, something that is pleasant, has a pleasant feeling tone, ever so slight, it can be tasted and appreciated right now.

As I sit, I hear the sound of birds outside my window. It's pleasant, makes me happy. A sense of appreciation for this little birdie outside doing what it does, doing its thing. A sense of appreciation is arising in my heart, a very simple delight. Let it arise naturally. If nothing arises, that's okay, let it be.

And if you wish, again, ever so gently allowing your awareness to open up to something that's appreciated in this moment. I'll name something simple for me. I'm appreciating the chair I'm sitting on, actually. At the bottom, the cushion is rather comfortable and soft. A sense of appreciation and delight.

Let your mind open up to whatever invites you to be savored and appreciated in this moment. Maybe the fact that you are able to sit right now. Sit in community in this moment and practice. Your practice doesn't have to be perfect, whatever that is. But just for a moment, just to be, just to sit with yourself, with others... kind of nice. It's sweet. I'm appreciating in this moment, there's a sweetness about it, a delight. All these folks, different cities, different homes, different states. It's a delight, an appreciation, a sense of goodness, being aware of goodness.

Maybe there is enough health in your body right now to be sitting. I'm appreciating a sound mind knowing how to work the technology. I will let you notice the various things in this moment that are goodnesses. Maybe your belly is full, or if it's empty, you know there is some food in the cupboard or the fridge. You're sitting under a roof protected from the elements.

Naming a few things in rapid succession, but I invite you to spend time with whatever comes up in your mind, in your heart, to just savor it. Savor the goodness of it. What if we were to maybe remove it for a moment? As if, say, right now you weren't healthy, you had a fever, you had a cold. And now... oh wow, you don't have a fever. You don't have a cold. How nice to be like this right now. You can use this technique if you wish, sparingly, make sure you don't get into worry or frenzy. You can remove in your imagination a few things that are here, and imagine your life without them, and then realize they are here again. Use your own wisdom for what your heart is calling for right now, what's supportive in turning your mind towards the good.

And as you recount and really connect with things that are good and you're grateful for in your life, stay connected to your body and your breath to stay grounded. Not to get too heady. Especially as you consider, say, people in your life you're grateful for, it helps to stay grounded in the body, not to get into too many stories, but just to stay with the goodness of gratitude. Letting your heart be soaked in the refreshing, nurturing, healing goodness of what's good, what's plentiful.

Now I invite you, if you wish, you can stay with this practice a few more minutes. But if you wish, I invite you to turn your awareness to something that is challenging. We all have challenges in our lives, every single one of us. It's a part of human existence. Turning your mind to something that is challenging or has been challenging in some way. Inviting yourself to consider, is there something about this challenge, from a particular perspective that may not be available to you right now, but maybe it will become available if you ask the question? Something about it that is a gift, that has been a gift, a blessing to open you up in some way. Don't try too hard, it's not a "should." Just drop in the question and see if something opens up for you. You might be surprised.

And for the last moment of this practice period, I invite you to hold yourself with appreciation and gratitude for having sat. For having practiced without attachment to outcome. Whether your mind was distracted, or sleepy, or anxious, it doesn't matter. You tried, even for one second, that's all that matters. "Thank you, me. I appreciate the goodness of the intention, the goodness of the effort."

Reflections

Thank you. Ah, it's time in our practice where I like asking us to maybe share a one-word reflection either in the chat or you can unmute yourself.

Paul offers "peace." Thank you, Paul.

What's coming up for me is just a sense of happiness. I feel both peaceful and happy. There's a joy, delight.

Another participant offers, "Serenity." Thank you.

"Softness," Diane offers on YouTube. Thank you, Diane.

Jeanette offers "hope." Thank you.

Olivia: "Nurtured." Nice.

Kim: "Surrounded by abundance." Mmm, sweet, yeah.

Susan: "Increased sense of safety." Thank you, Susan.

Christine: "Sense of enoughness." Yes, love it. Sense of enoughness, yeah, nice.

Hopefully, the other thing that arose for me was a sense of strength and gratitude for this challenge in my life in a new way that I hadn't felt before, so that was fun.

Tanya offers "comforted." Thank you.

Christine from Germany says "yes." Thank you, lovely.

Thank you all for your reflections. Ah, feeling nurtured by simply being in the space with you, and feeling the space that has been co-created by the practice of all of us right now.

Interactive Practice

So at this point, the invitation is for us to engage in an interactive practice. In the same way that we've turned our minds ever so gently to the fullness, to the enoughness, to the abundance of our lives, let's turn that to holding a couple of other human beings who have been practicing with us in this way in silence. Seeing if we can hold them with abundance. Holding ourselves with abundance, and holding them with abundance, and letting ourselves be held.

What if when you're interacting and speaking—whatever you say in response to the prompt, "How was this practice?"—if you say, "Oh, I fell asleep, I couldn't stay awake for a minute," for example. Great! What if that's enough? What if that's abundant? That's exactly what needed to happen tonight. What if you hold that with a sense of abundance? And what if you know that other people are not judging you, and are holding you with a sense of gratitude and abundance? "This is how you showed up."

It's a radical practice. It's such a radical practice to show up in this way interactively with other people in the world. So I invite you to give it a try tonight, even if you're on the fence. What do you have to lose? Six minutes. It's a new experience, an experiment. And as you know, many folks report that this is perhaps one of their favorite parts of Happy Hour, the interactive part. If you decide tonight it's not the right night for you, it's all good, it's understandable too.

So I'd like to go ahead and make the breakout rooms now. I'm just going to take a moment. Ah, here we go. [Technical difficulties adjusting breakout rooms] Okay, let's try that again. Okay, I think I have it all right. Here we go. There are some of size three and four, I believe. I'm going to open up the rooms. Here we go.

Post-Breakout Reflections

And where are we? Are we in a bardo^[1]? Yeah, a bardo. I love that you're back in the main room. So I'm just waiting for everyone. Five more seconds and everybody's gonna come back. Bardo... good one, Susan. That's great. Okay, everybody's back now.

Wonderful, great. Welcome back everyone. So we would love to hear a few thoughts, reflections about how your practice has been tonight. I'm curious, please do tell. Please, yes, Susan?

Susan: Hopefully I won't break up, my phone's been breaking... [unintelligible] really helpful for my nervous system and my mood. In our group, one of our members shared about her happiness, and then I got to have mudita^[2], which is just such a score. So thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: Nice, beautiful. Yay, mudita, vicarious joy. Happiness for somebody else's happiness. Woo hoo! [Laughter] Feels so good, doesn't it? Beautiful, lovely. Thanks for sharing that, Susan. Wow, makes me see now I have mudita for you having mudita for somebody else. Pretty awesome, right? We can just send happiness around. Lovely. Thank you for that. Yeah, who else please?

Kim: I particularly liked the whole meditation, it's great. That very last part of thinking about something difficult in your life that just blossomed into all these positive things. They sort of started slowly, and then it was like, "Oh!" And that was very cool. Thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: Awesome. Thank you, beautiful. Delighted to hear how you're saying it just blossomed, just bringing that intention into the container and how seeing challenges in a different way can just take off. Yeah, beautiful. Thank you, Kim. Other reflections please?

[A participant shares, unintelligible]

Nikki Mirghafori: I'm delighted to hear that. Thank you for sharing that. I can't say it better, you really said it so beautifully. Especially when there is a lot of challenge in our lives, in our heart, a practice like this feels like a refuge, creates a little bit of space. So thank you for speaking to that, and I'm so happy that it provided that for you, was supportive for you in that way. Tanya? Lovely, makes me happy. Thank you. Yeah, Olivia please.

Olivia: I really appreciated bringing in challenge to gratitude practice, as Kim mentioned as well. Like that was a ripe soil, I think, for giving it a little more compassion. The challenge that I'm having is around feeling vulnerable, and having challenge with sort of needing or wanting more external validation, which is a very tender, almost childlike feeling. Cultivating that compassion and gratitude combo first really allowed that challenge to be present. I definitely saw the beauty of it, like I definitely saw, "Well, what an opportunity." So it was very effective, and I really have a lot of gratitude for your guidance, Nikki. Thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you, Olivia. Thank you for sharing that. Mmm, beautiful. Thanks for sharing that opening, just the way it opened for you. The tenderness, the vulnerability, and the transformation. Yay, now I have mudita for you. Beautiful, thank you.

Ah, well dear ones, my heart is full as I hear the fullness of your hearts and the practice tonight. May all of our hearts be full. Even in the midst of challenges, to notice the fullness, the goodness. And may we offer this goodness, enoughness, bounty, both to ourselves and to all beings whose lives we touch and we support and serve. May all beings be free from suffering. May all beings be happy and free.

Wow, Chewie hanging till the very end! All right, take good care. Good night. Thank you, thank you, bye. Thank you, good to see you everyone.