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Establishing a Mindfulness Practice: Class 3

Introduction

All right, let's do a sound check. Tracy, how's that sound? The volume? Yeah, not too loud, not too quiet? Or no, okay, back there in that corner, great.

So, we've been having the teachers take off their masks while teaching, if everybody in the hall feels comfortable with that. Are you guys okay with that? Okay. It makes it easier for you to hear, and for me obviously, breathing and talking.

Welcome everyone, and nice to have new people. We are in week three of a series, which is not a problem if you weren't here for the first two. The series is called Establishing a Practice, and we are trying to cover a lot of basic things—teachings that have really been supports for practice. It's teaching them, but not in a detailed way, more like an introductory way.

The first week, we talked about wise understanding and wise intention. The second week, we talked about mindfulness on and off the cushion and the five hindrances^[1]—five common things that interfere with our ability to be mindful. This week, I'll be talking about establishing actions that support Dharma^[2] joy.

I think that they're all standalone topics. You're not going to get lost at all; they are just different pieces that give us a foundation for our practice. The first week was really about how to practice with suffering, which is pretty important stuff, so you can listen to the recording if you want. Pretty much everything I've said in the talks will be on the handout, so if you sign up for the handouts, I'll email them to you. You can read it, and you'll have all the information that I shared.

Dharma Joy

I want to talk about Dharma joy tonight, and invite this idea that joy arises as a result of actions. When I say Dharma joy, I'm not talking about, "Pump it up, try and make yourself happy." I'm talking about a natural joy, sort of a subtle well-being. It is a joy that comes when we feel good, when we feel like, "That was nice," or, "I did a nice thing," or, "Somebody was kind to me." It's a joy that is sometimes described as the "bliss of blamelessness." That feeling of, "There's no burden. We did our best."

So with Dharma joy, I'm trying to emphasize that we're not talking about simple happiness. Not just a funny joke, or being happy because you have enough money in the bank. It's a qualitative difference. It's not based on external things. It arises from our own actions, and sometimes from the actions that we witness or experience around us.

Short Reflection

With that in mind, let's take a short sit. Maybe even invite yourself during the sit to just drop in this question and see what comes up: Is there something you did that you can remember in the last day, week, month, or year, where it was an act of goodness? An act of kindness, an act of non-harming? It could even be carrying a spider outside instead of killing it. Pausing extra long for somebody to walk across the crosswalk. Moving really far to the other side of the lane for a bicyclist. Just an act that was really intended to avoid harm, to create more safeness.

Just bring it to mind. Small is great. Maybe appreciate that act and the intention behind it. Consciously breathe in a few breaths to whatever it is you can appreciate and connect with, taking a little bit more time with it than you might normally.

And then if you'd like, you can just sort of check in. Take a few breaths, connect with your body, just arriving here. Give yourself permission to put aside all the activities of the day.

[Silence]

Thank you, and feel free to stay inward. Do you all feel like you'd like a few more minutes to meditate? The room got very nicely quiet. I'm happy to take a little more time. Any thumbs up on that one? Is that a thumbs up, Mitra? Okay, let's take five more minutes. Let's just sit for five more minutes.

[Silence]

Thank you all. Welcome.

Ethical Actions and Non-Harming

This Dharma joy is connected to ethical actions, which in Buddhism is really about non-harming. Gil^[3] wrote that the Buddhist emphasis on harmlessness is explicitly directed both toward oneself and others. We don't leave ourselves out. We should not intend to harm ourselves, not intend to harm others, or both. Rather, we should intend to benefit ourselves, benefit others, and benefit both—for the whole world, really. So the ideal of harmlessness is literally referencing the absence of harm and a concern for ourselves and others.

That's one part. Another part that I want to talk about is that it's really healthy and nourishing to connect with joy. We need it. We need to feel okay. We need to take in the goodness. In my experience, that's not always easy for people to do. I think that's partly because the negativity bias in the brain is oriented toward survival—toward noticing threats, potential danger, or what we need to go and get. Rick Hanson^[4], a Buddhist psychologist and neuropsychologist, coined the phrase that the brain is like Velcro for the negative and Teflon for the good. You know how sticky Velcro is. The brain really grabs onto anything that's negative, and the good slips through like an egg on a Teflon pan.

The good stuff, the subtle Dharma joy, can be very subtle. It's very easy for the brain to treat it like that fried egg, flipping in and out of the pan. Out of sight, out of mind. Part of the invitation tonight is to make a commitment to take in the good. Make a commitment to accept, receive, and nourish the joy.

Ethical actions really support joy arising because of that bliss of blamelessness. When we haven't done anything wrong, and we know we've done things in a way that we feel okay about, we don't have to carry a heavy burden. We don't have to second-guess or spend a lot of time trying to make up for things. It just lets us walk through life a little lighter.

The Buddha taught trainings around three areas in particular: speech, actions (as a general category), and livelihood. These support walking through this life without feeling a lot of blame. He taught these things because they made him happier and supported him. With everything that the Buddha offers, this is not a commandment. Anybody who has a connection to religious traditions where there's a lot of authority—where you have to do this and you can't do that—the Buddha approaches this differently. The Buddha says, "Come and see." Engage with these practices and see for yourself what happens for you.

Pay attention to the impact of operating in certain ways, and how that impacts your sense of well-being, your mind states, and your heart states. I'll share the ethical guidelines he recommends, but it's important to hold them as an invitation to see what happens. Notice how it affects your well-being, how comfortable and close you feel with others, how other people respond to you, and what happens when you sit down in your meditation. Because I'm not going to teach them unless you agree. [Laughter]

The first is Wise Speech. I'll go into more detail later, but very simply, it's speech that doesn't cause harm. It is truthful, it's kind, and it's timely. We have to be thoughtful about when we say things.

Wise Action is another category. There are three actions to avoid: not killing, not stealing, and not causing harm through sexuality. It's not that you can't be sexual; it's "don't cause harm through your sexuality."

The third category is Wise Livelihood. Essentially, the Buddha taught that it makes a difference what we do for our employment and our livelihood. Some of us are lucky to have more choices and options, and sometimes we don't. We practice on the continuum of doing the best that we can. Ideally, we don't work in an area that involves making or selling weapons, or things that cause killing and harm. We try not to be a butcher, avoiding killing animals or people. We avoid the trade of people, the sex trade, or smuggling people. Those are the big categories to avoid. We each will come into our own work environment, and there's a whole continuum of harming and non-harming that happens there. What a company does and how it affects the environment has a lot of subtleties. But the big ones are just not contributing to killing or the trade and harm of people and animals.

Mindfulness and Emotions

One of the big supports for walking through life in a non-harming way is being mindful. There isn't anywhere we can go, or anything that we can do, where we won't be supported by being mindful. The opposite of mindful is being on automatic pilot, checked out, just on "go," and not pausing to check how we're showing up.

The trainings around Wise Speech and Wise Action help us grow our mindfulness because we start to notice our speech—even our internal speech. What are we saying in our heads? How are we talking to ourselves? How are we talking about somebody else, even silently? We can really start to practice observing that with mindfulness. With a commitment to not harm, we can start to see that when we're thinking in harsh ways, who feels the harshness? We do. The person we're upset with doesn't feel it; we're feeling it. Maybe if we're around them exuding hate vibes, people pick up on that, but we're still hurting ourselves.

Mindfulness is like a muscle that helps us respond instead of react. Different situations call for different kinds of responses. There's not a blanket way to be in this world. We need to constantly be present, assessing what's happening so we can respond, restrain ourselves, or act. Sometimes it's the opposite: we need to get ourselves to do something because we see harm happening and we know we can help. Even if we're afraid, if it feels safe enough, we need to take action.

Before we move into breakout groups, let's talk about practice tips. One really important thing that reinforces our efforts to practice non-harming is taking in the good. It's like saying, "I'm going to make myself my favorite cup of tea," but then we don't drink it! We make the non-harming tea, and then we have to drink it. Enjoy your cup of tea. Enjoy the benefits of your effort. That's what helps recondition us from habitual reactivity, irritation, and impatience, into more thoughtfulness, pausing, reflecting, and open-heartedness. I recently saw an invitation to a workshop that said, "Resting or napping is the ultimate act of rebellion." Joy is important. Being at ease is important. Taking your breaks at work is important. You're not doing anybody any favors by not taking your breaks, because you're just going to tire yourself out and won't be present for yourself or anyone else. Take in the good.

Another reinforcing tip is to notice moments of choice versus reactivity. It's easy to walk away and think, "I should have done it better," or, "That was no big deal." No, every time we consciously choose to do something with intentions of non-harming, we are making a choice. Saying "no" to the extra cookie, "no" to clicking the next internet link, or "no" to asking for another favor. These are all choices. Instead of lashing out when somebody says something you don't like, you take a breath, pause, and wait until you're not motivated by anger, so you can speak more choicefully. Choice is a superpower. There's an artist called Molly Doodles, or something like that, who does Buddha Doodles^[5]. She drew a little Buddha with a superhero cape that says, "Choice is a superpower." It's incredibly true.

Another tip is to celebrate small benefits and changes. You sat for five and a half minutes instead of five? Great! You were able to pause a little bit longer? You didn't speak quite as harshly? Great. We get so fixated on being critical. Our attention is the most precious commodity we have, and what we pay attention to grows in us. If we spend our time criticizing ourselves, we're focusing on the negative parts instead of the beneficial parts. If I tell you not to think about a chocolate chip cookie—don't think about how it smells or tastes, whether it's soft or chewy—can your mind help but think about chocolate chip cookies? By focusing on what we don't want, we give it our attention. Instead, turn your awareness toward what you do want to grow in yourself.

How do emotions impact your ability to be responsive versus reactive? What kinds of emotions impact the likelihood that you're going to harm somebody else?

Brian: "If you just let your emotions get to you, you lose that pause, and it's really easy to just react negatively to something someone says or does. But it's pretty hard to not be emotional about things oftentimes."

Right, and the goal is not to be devoid of emotion. Emotions are an incredibly important part of our lives; they make our lives rich and full. But not being ruled by our emotions is what mindfulness can help us with. We need to learn how to be with them, recognize them earlier before they grow stronger, and relate wisely to them. Does anybody else want to share?

Mitra: "If you're mindful enough to realize there is a difficult emotion, it seems to me that it's wisest to just stay away while that emotion is strongest, rather than be in situations where you can cause harm. Stay in my room and not come out before I say things."

Sometimes you can take more time. But let's say you have to come out eventually. What could you do?

Mitra: "The only thing I can think of is be so close in touch with how I feel, so I don't react. Keeping in mind that my goal is not to harm. I never do that, I have to say."

There's something beautiful about "being so close to what I'm feeling." It's an intimacy with yourself, witnessing and caring about how it feels inside. But when you say, "I never do that," notice the negativity bias. You're going to grow what you focus on.

Caroline: "I find myself meeting the emotion that I'm getting approached with. When someone is coming at me with anger or fear, it's really hard to not just automatically get there and become reactive."

That's a tough one. Emotions are contagious. You can feel it when somebody comes into a room and changes the vibe. Knowing that happens is important. Mindfulness might just be recognizing what's happening. For me, there's a boundary exercise: "That's not me. That's their feeling." We don't get to control their feelings, but we can say to ourselves, "I don't need to own that." Sometimes that's enough, and sometimes it won't be. But the whole point of mindfulness is to stay close to our experience so we don't get carried away. If we do get carried away, we come back. Just don't stop coming back.

Mindful Communication

Part of non-harming is when we share with each other in groups, we keep each other's words in confidence. Also consider that we're not here to give advice; we're here to witness, listen, and support. If somebody asks for advice, speak from personal experience: "I have found this helpful." Be conscientious about your language, avoiding things that can make somebody feel unsafe. If something comes up that has to do with trauma, use headlines. For example, say, "I had a really difficult experience as a kid," but don't go into the details. This keeps you and others regulated.

I invite you to break into groups of three or four. To practice mindfulness of speech, know you're talking when you're talking. And when you're listening, know you're listening. It's easier to stay mindful if you talk a little slower and quieter. Pay attention to feelings of relaxation or agitation. Always keep about fifty percent of your awareness internal to track what's happening in your body. Notice the impact of what's been shared. You're a little bit like a bell—things come in and resonate, they affect us.

Introduce yourselves, and then, one at a time, share one to two sentences. The question to discuss is: What are you inspired to do to support more joy? What would you like to see yourself doing differently? Please begin.

[Breakout groups share]

Go ahead and finish your sentences. Maybe bow to your groupmates, thanking yourselves and each other for the generation of good vibes, energy, and ideas.

Guided Meditation: The RAFT Practice

We'll go into a guided practice, so get yourself situated for meditation. We'll do the RAFT practice^[6]. Typically, we use the RAFT practice with difficult emotions, but tonight I'm going to invite you to use how you're feeling right now—something good that was inspiring for you during your sharing. My invitation is to focus on something like joy, ease, relaxation, validation, comfort, care, or connection.

Coming into your body. We've been listening and sharing, so a certain amount of our awareness energy has gone out. Let's invite it in. With each breath, invite a settling. I often feel like a snow globe; I'm all shaken up, and then I set myself down and all the little snowflakes start to settle.

Take three longer, slower, deeper breaths. Look around internally and recognize what emotional tones and energies are present in your heart and body right now. Lightly name them. When you find one that you want to work with tonight, invite it to come sit next to you.

The R in RAFT is for Recognize. Really just the simple practice of naming and recognizing. It's kind of like a little bow—"I see you"—to the feelings and energies.

The A is for Allow. Allowing space for these emotions. Our tendency is often not to give enough room to the good ones, to the joy and the ease. If it works for you, create a sense of allowing whatever you decided to work with to be felt, seen, and expressed.

The F is to Feel. Find and feel the emotion in the body. How is it expressed? Is it vibratory? Is it subtle or coarse? Does it spread, or is it solid like a block? Is there warmth or coolness associated with it? Try to tune into the felt sense of it, not the story around it, in an open-handed, receptive way. Emotions emote; they want to move. A lot of times when we don't want to have a feeling, they get stuck or frozen. When we're practicing mindfulness with emotions, we're not trying to suppress our emotions. We're trying to be generous in giving them space, letting them know we feel them, and letting them touch us.

The T is for Teasing apart. This is when we start to work with the mental activity—the stories, memories, associations, fears, hopes, and beliefs. If you're working with a positive feeling, invite yourself to see and name what thoughts or beliefs supported the arising of that well-being. Just honor the conditions. If you're working with something tricky and difficult, I like to imagine a huge table with lots of chairs. The different parts—the story, the memory, the belief, the fear—can each have their own chair at the table. You can put the ones that are difficult at the far end. So we're taking our experience and letting it be seen piece by piece, allowing it all to unravel and loosen up.

There's another T, and that's Trust. This is the part where we ask, "What can I trust here?" Can I trust my knowing? Can I trust that feelings come and go? Do I trust that by paying attention to things, I'll have more choices? Do I trust that emotions are natural, part of the human experience? Find something to rest in that you trust.

We'll sit together for another few minutes. You can keep working with the RAFT practice, or you can simply practice mindfulness of breathing, sensation, sound, or open awareness. Whatever is right for you right now.

[Silence for meditation]

Q&A and Reflections

Is anybody willing to be the microphone bearer? Mitra, great. What did you notice? What did you discover in the RAFT practice? What came up for you?

Rose: "What came up was the feeling of—to quote Brené Brown^[7]—'Am I enough?' Whether or not what I'm doing is good enough, do I have to do more, should I do less? I tried to tease it apart, and it was self-doubt, insecurity, feeling I have to do more to showcase that I'm competent. It's a lot of self-imposed pressure. Having awareness of that is very liberating, but at the same time, how can I just be with it and not try to control it? Because the other emotion I was feeling was the need to control and have everything a certain way."

Thank you so much for sharing. Sometimes we just do this one minute at a time. It sounds like you gave more time to these parts than you usually do, letting yourself see, "Oh, and I get to choose." The mind is always doing this stuff, so each moment we're just going to keep noticing and finding choice. It's a process. As you stop automatically engaging with those patterns, it's like neurosynaptic connections: where you don't reinforce them or keep using them, they fade. They lose their power. A lot of it is about restraint. That's where shifting toward what you want to do instead is helpful. We let it be, try not to engage, and choose something else.

Ben: "I've come to a conclusion with this idea of being present. I don't know if there's anybody who's always able to be present, so I've given up on that. But I'm aware I'm not present. I've accepted that it's not going to happen—it doesn't have to be perfect—but I try to be aware that that's the case."

Beautiful. And you know, there are things we can do to start growing more of those times that we are aware. Like choosing a daily life activity—brushing your teeth, making the bed, making coffee—and making it a practice to be super aware when doing it. You start to do it automatically, and then you might be ready to add another thing. This week I've been playing with setting my meditation timer for ten minutes and doing my daily life activities while the timer is going. There are different ways to grow our awareness.

Nathan: "I have some parts of me that tend to vex me throughout the day, and it's interesting how they don't show up at the table when doing this. I'm wondering, 'Where are you guys? You're safe to be out here.' Usually I'm perturbed by a lot of things out there, but when I come in here it feels safe. Everyone's nice here, so I settle, and it seems almost too easy in here. I'd like to use this space to engage with that stuff, but it's hard to get the rest of the parts of me along in the program."

What might be intelligent about what's happening? What wisdom might be at work here? How often in your life do you feel like you're around really nice, safe people in a room where you know their intentions are wanting to be awake and non-harming? That's pretty sweet. So maybe when you're here, it's really good to let your system relax. Maybe we need that. The good—taking in the good when it shows up—is a gift. I know you want to do your work, but maybe this is the work. Letting yourself have peace and ease for a little bit.

Student: "Something I've been working on is creating a sense of safety for myself, especially with regards to challenging bodily sensations that I feel a lot of aversion to. When I'm not feeling safe in my body, noticing that, relaxing, feeling the effects of the practice, and appreciating that I'm creating this safety for myself."

It sounds like a serious practice. Beautiful, it's very inspiring. Thank you for sharing that.

Student: "What you just said really resonates with me too. I invited worry in, feeling the sensations in my body. I've been working on trying to feel safe in my body too. Just allowing the places where I feel worry—I had this tingling sensation in my hand and my neck—and letting it be okay. My tendency is to not want to feel those things and to ask, 'How do I get rid of this?' So I became aware of how I drift away and then come back into my body. Just being a witness to that whole process."

Wow, that's great. Learning how to stay.

Maybe we'll do a final little sitting before we end for the night. Finding your meditation posture, sitting up for yourself, for your own experience, showing up fully right in this breath. Take a moment to reflect on any benefit from being here tonight, and take it in. Let the good in. Imagine that good moving through you to someone else, and moving from them to somebody else. Just spreading the goodness of our practice. May it be of benefit to all beings everywhere.

Thank you.