Dharmette: Blamelessness (1 of 5) The Power of Not-Knowing and Now

This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video Blamelessness (1 of 5): the Power of Not-knowing and Now with Maria Straatmann. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.

The following talk was given by Maria Straatmann at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on July 24, 2023. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Introduction and Guided Meditation

Good afternoon, good evening, whatever time of day it is that you happen to be here. Wherever you are, welcome to here. Here, wherever you are.

My name is Maria Straatmann, and I'm sitting in for Gil^[1] this week, who is off on a retreat. So I'm very grateful to be here. I've been with IMC^[2] for about 25 years, and Gil has been my primary teacher, to my great good fortune.

In my life, there have been many changes. In your lives, there have been many changes. In my life this morning, there are issues, there are changes, there are things popping up. The conditions of this moment are not the same as the conditions from 25 years ago, and I'm not the same person, nor are any of us. But this morning, this is who we are, and this is where we are. So I invite you to join me in this time, in this silence.

What we're going to do is sit for about half an hour. I will very, very lightly guide the meditation. That is, you're mostly not going to hear me. Then we'll have a little talk after that, and then there'll be a time for questions and answers. So welcome to this time together.

Please put yourself into an alert but relaxed posture so that you're here and at ease. Let's be at ease. Take a couple of deep breaths and let them out, and enter a brief period of silence. And just see what comes.

Whatever it is, allow it to be here. Allow whatever happens to happen. It's this way now. It's this way now.

I breathe in, I breathe out. And this is true, and this is now. And now I am just here. I'm just here.

(Silence)

Thank you. You're not waiting for something to happen. We're just being here.

(Silence)

And are you still here? Just here.

(Silence)

Thank you.

(Silence)

Thank you.

(Silence)

Let's recall that we are here. Become aware once again. Here, just here. I'm just here. Feel your body here. Feel your mind here, your heart here. Just here, just now, just in this moment. Just here.

Let out the breath and bring it in. Just this breath. Just this one.

Dharmette: Blamelessness (1 of 5) The Power of Not-Knowing and Now

So welcome, everyone. My name is Maria Straatmann, and I'm sitting in for Gil this week. I am just here, just me.

I have been many things in my life. I've done many things in my life. I've been a scientist, a businesswoman. I've been retired for some time. I've been with IMC for 25-plus years. I've done many things with IMC; I've been a hospice worker. I've been mentally inclined, I've been filled with my heart, as have all of us. We've been many, many, many things.

One of the things I'm doing now is organizing the online group practice discussions and offering them a couple of times a week, although that's changing. But that's been wonderful to share with people the Dharma^[3]. I love the Dharma. I love talking about the Dharma. I love living the Dharma.

I asked some people what they thought they'd like to hear, what they would like to have as a topic, and I got a couple of suggestions. One of which was something about AI. And you know what I discovered is that everybody has an opinion about artificial intelligence, and I'd be spending all my time talking about what it was, and so I'm not doing that.

But there was another suggestion that had to do with, "How do I deal with self-blame and self-criticism?" And since that's been up for a lot of people lately that I've talked to, and is something that we all grapple with, I thought maybe that's what we'd talk about.

We're going to talk about self-blame and self-criticism, but I wanted to do it by calling the whole topic blamelessness: discovering and recovering blamelessness. And the shift is one of energy. It's not something I have to fight about, but rather something I want to embody in my life. Blamelessness. It's lighter somehow. If you've ever been plagued by self-criticism, you know that it's very tight and heavy, and it's truly burdensome.

What we're going to do over the course of this week is talk about several ways into that. Why do we engage so much in self-criticism? What are the elements of it? And how can we become less affected by that criticism, that voice in our heads that says, "You're not good enough. You should be better. You should not have done that. You shouldn't have been that way. How come I can't let go of that? Why can't I let go of that? I don't really want to be that way." And all of these are arguments taking place in the head.

The Dhammapada and Mind

One of the tools that I use, one of the mantras that I use, is the opening to the Dhammapada^[4]. I want you to think about this over the week and have it in your heads:

"All experience is preceded by mind, led by mind, made by mind. Speak or act with a corrupted mind, and suffering follows like the wheels of the cart behind the hooves of the ox. All experience is preceded by mind, led by mind, made by mind. Speak or act with a peaceful mind, and happiness follows like a never-departing shadow."

I like the fact that the happiness thing comes later, because I can kind of let the breath out, you know. The corrupted mind, the mind that says, "No, no, no, what about, what about, what about," has tightness and the energy of contraction around it. And the peaceful mind has the energy of ease and openness and lightness, and it leads to happiness like a never-departing shadow. Wonderful. I'm there. I want to do that.

In order to grapple with why it is that we get tied up in self-criticism, there are three things that are important to keep in mind:

First, we don't know what's actually going to happen. There's an element of self-criticism that has to do with, "I'm sure I know what's going to come next. It's always going to be this way. I know that this is what comes from that." So the attitude of not-knowing is kind of an antidote to the "I know, I know this is the way I am." Not-knowing.

Second, impermanence. It's changing all the time. I was talking to someone the other night, and they said, "Given what you just told me, why are you smiling?" I said, "Because right now, everything's lovely. Because right now I'm speaking to you and my heart is light and I'm smiling." I don't have to carry everything from my past into this moment. I can just be in this moment. The impermanence has to do with just being here in this moment. I don't have to worry about what's ending and what's arising; I can just see this. What's the attitude in my heart right now? Is it tight? I can feel the distancing from that, the desire to distance myself from that.

And third, not-self. All of the things we believe are true about us are just one thing: we are not the same people we were. We're not the same people we were a moment ago. A moment ago we were tied in something else; now we're tied or loose here.

Through impermanence, we can be born into every moment. Every moment is a new moment. But then I think about how much courage it takes to be completely present. To feel safe enough not to hide behind the vigilance of needing to be different, or the vigilance against that condition. Or admitting we may not know the outcome of something. We may not know what that person is going to do. We may not know how we'll feel about something tomorrow. We may not know. It takes courage to be completely present.

Taking the Lid Off

I was visiting my grandson a few weeks ago. He's three. If any of you have three-year-olds in your life, or recall three-year-olds in your life, you know that they are not particularly rational. Although you get used to talking to them and you think, "Oh yeah, they know exactly what I'm saying."

I got engaged in this conversation with him because we were putting together some snacks to go on a trip, and I was going to stick them in my purse. I had this little dish that had the snacks in it, and I found a lid that fit on that. And he said, "No, no, we can't have that." And I said, "No, it's okay." And he says, "I can't drink out of that!" And pretty soon he was screaming and shrieking.

I have this hearing aid that increases high-frequency sounds because that's where my hearing loss is, and a three-year-old shrieking in that ear is painful. And I was trying to explain to him, "But you don't need to drink out of this lid. We're just using it as a lid."

"No, no, I can't. I can't have that."

And I thought, what am I doing arguing with a three-year-old? I must be crazy. And so I walked away. I just walked away. Never underestimate the value of temporarily walking away.

And I thought, okay, he can't reason his way to this. What is it that's bothering him? He can't drink out of the lid. Okay. So I went back to him and I said, "I'm going to take this seal off the top."

"Oh, okay."

I had to actually hear that he couldn't drink out of a cup. The fact that he wasn't going to drink out of the cup was totally irrelevant when we were trying to argue ourselves out of something. We're just like that. We're busy saying, "But I know that won't work, that won't work," and we're not hearing what it is. We're not seeing what it is that I'm actually protesting against. Is it my fear of being seen a certain way? Is it my fear that I'm not worthy? Is it my fear that things are going to happen out of my control? Am I worried about being taken advantage of?

What's underneath that criticism of me? What's underneath it? What is the place that is close in to me that I'm experiencing as my mind habit reflecting out as, "I just can't, I just can't do this. It's all my fault." If it's unsatisfactory, it must be my fault. Who says? It's just unsatisfactory.

It's the tendency that we as humans all have to sort of wrap things up and make them work. If there's something coming at me that's painful, I have to take care of that. I have to organize it. I have to control it, because I don't feel safe. Somewhere is the trigger that says, "I'm not feeling safe." And somehow it gets translated into, "Why can't I be better?"

And what I'm saying is, it's better to just be you. Whatever you are, however you are in this moment—not who you were yesterday or last year. And mind habits over the course of a lifetime become incredibly strong and we believe them, just as we believe our thoughts. But just as we don't really know, I want to remind you that life is not a ledger. It's not like we line up all the good things we do against all the bad things we do, and if the bad things outweigh the good things then we're good or we're bad. Life is not a ledger.

All experience is preceded by mind, led by mind, made by mind. Speak or act with a corrupted mind, and suffering follows. Speak or act with a peaceful mind, and happiness follows like a never-departing shadow.

So when you find yourself tied up and trying to argue yourself out of something, let go of all of the mental activity around that. Just walk away temporarily. Take the lid off and say, "What am I really feeling right now?" Just be you here, the you that is here now. And just for that moment, you are completely safe. Know a moment of being safe. Because like all practice, it's cumulative. It comes, and the more we notice, the more often we notice, the more easy it becomes.

The Vest

I have a little poem to read you in this last moment.

I put on again the vest of many pockets. Easy to forget which holds the reading glasses, which the small pen, which the house keys, the compass and whistle, the passport. To forget at last for weeks even the pocket holding the day of digging a place for my sister's ashes, the one holding the day where someone will soon enough put my own. To misplace the pocket of touching the walls at Auschwitz—would seem impossible. It is not. To misplace for a decade the pocket of tears. I rummage and rummage. Transfers from Munich, from Melbourne, to Oslo. A receipt for a Singapore kepi. A device holding music: Bach, Garcia, Richter, Porter, Pärt. A woman long dead now gave me when I told her I could not sing, a kazoo, now in a pocket. Somewhere a pocket bill holding a Steinway. Somewhere a pocket holding a packet of salt. Borgesian^[5] vest. Oxford English Dictionary vest. With the magnifying glass tucked inside one snapped-closed pocket. Wikipedia vest. Rosetta vest. Enigma vest of decoding. How is it one person can carry your weight for a lifetime? One person slip into your open arms for a lifetime? Who was given the world, and hunted for tissues, for chapstick? (—Jane Hirshfield^[6])

Let your life be like that open vest. The memories are fine, but they're not who you are. The route to blamelessness is through allowing you to be just who you are now, not the person tucked away in a pocket.

Thank you. May you be at ease with who you are. So if anyone has any questions or comments, I'm happy to hear them.

Q&A

Host: Thank you, Maria. So if anyone has any questions for Maria, you can go ahead and raise your hand and I'll call on you. And in YouTube, if our YouTube viewers have questions, post them in chat.

So Maria, just as an initial question: I've heard that with adults, taking a break for like 20-25 minutes is usually appropriate when you want to walk away. For three-year-olds, what would be your estimated time?

Maria Straatmann: Well, you know, three-year-olds are great because they give up the moment so easily. They haven't got an accumulated history. And so I actually went back to him, oh, I don't know, about three minutes later and said, "Oh, I've taken the seal off the top." And he said, "Oh, great!" They really have the ability to come right back.

Host: Oh, okay. So maybe it's like the number of minutes you take the break is equivalent to the age of the person you're dealing with?

Maria Straatmann: It can be, but not necessarily. I use this actually when I find myself in conflict with my husband. I have this great story where I was on a diet. It was a very restrictive diet, and I had to eat at regular intervals. I was really, really hungry, and he had this elaborate plan for dinner. I kept saying, "No, no, I'm hungry. I'm hungry." And I realized I was hypoglycemic and wasn't rational, and I left the room.

And I came back, and immediately we were in it again. I went out of the room, I came back. I had to come back three times. The third time he handed me a carrot, which was perfect, and then it was over. So it isn't strictly time-related; it's just a pause. It's a break. It's a break in the habit, actually. It's a break in the intensity that you're looking for. But it is related to being aware of what's going on.

Host: Great. Well, thank you. Marlene has her hand raised. Marlene, you can go ahead and unmute.

Marlene: Hi, Maria. Hi, everyone. I'm going to try and get to my question, Maria. It's pretty convoluted because this is a very fraught topic for me. As you have some understanding of, since I've spoken to you a few times, fear is an overwhelming, consuming emotion in my life. And I find myself trying to focus and be aware of what I feel in the moment, what's happening in the moment, since that's all we really have that we can focus on with any reliable sense of reason.

And then I find myself going into projection about "this could happen in the future, this could happen," and I have no way of knowing what could happen or what could not happen based on the past. Though I would say talk about impermanence being illustrated in glaring reality constantly, over and over again—everything is subject to change at a moment's notice, or no moment's notice.

So what am I trying to get to? I'm trying to figure out what do I want, who do I... I mean, that's a huge question, I know.

Maria Straatmann: So here, maybe this will help. You know, one of the things we often find when we're tied up in mental habits is that there is some fear—this may happen, this may not happen. And arguing ourselves out of it will not help.

I remember one time being in a very fearful situation where I thought I was going to fall off the side of a mountain, and I'm terrified of heights. And I said, "You know, you're a good Buddhist. You know that this is temporary. You don't have to believe these stories." None of that was working.

And I said, "Okay, I'm afraid." And allowing myself to be afraid freed me from having to justify being in the fear. I didn't have to justify why I was afraid, I just said, "I'm afraid." And as soon as I was able to accept "fear is here," then I said, "So what are you afraid of?"

"Well, I'm afraid I'm gonna fall off the mountain."

And it was easy from there to say, "Well, I will either fall off the mountain or not fall off the mountain, but the one thing I'm sure of is I can't stay here."

Marlene: Yes, that's a very good point.

Maria Straatmann: Okay, so first you have to say, "This is what's here." Anger is here. Fear is here. Uncertainty is here. You have to have the courage to say, "I don't know how to fix this right now, but this is here. This pain, this anger, this whatever it is." So what are my choices, given that this is true? Now what? Given that this is true, now what?

And try to stay in the moment and not in the future, but just here. "Given that I'm scared to death, I choose not to die in this moment, and move on." You not only can walk out of the room, but you can stop thinking about it, stop turning it over, turning, turning. Just... okay.

And what you discover when you're paying attention to that corrupted mind idea is that the fear is not as corrupted as the fighting around it. It is not as tense and as structured as the fighting. Some of the fighting is creating the very energy that you'd like to let go of. So we train ourselves not to be afraid of what is here, but to say, "This is pleasant, this is unpleasant." I neither have to like it nor not like it. I can just say, "Here is this." To know the nature of it is to free us from having to choose or not choose it. There's a nature of it.

Marlene: Did you say that last sentence one more time, please?

Maria Straatmann: To know the nature of it is to free oneself from the need to choose it or not choose it. To let go of the struggle against it or for it allows us to be present for joy and present for pain.

Marlene: I think I'm still crawling, but I'm making some progress. Thank you very much.

Maria Straatmann: Aren't we all!

Host: Maria, there were a couple questions from our YouTube viewers as well as on Zoom about the title of the poem and the poet.

Maria Straatmann: The poem is "The Vest" by Jane Hirshfield. It's from her latest book called The Ledger. I'm a big fan of Jane Hirshfield. So that was called "The Vest." Thank you. I would give more information than that, but I ran out of time.

Host: Sure, sure. Kane on YouTube asked, "Maria, can you please talk on societal self-criticism? I guess the difference between critique and criticism, as some criticism can lead to better ideas or disbanding old held assumptions. For example, women's rights around the world."

Maria Straatmann: Okay, so it's important to distinguish between... let's see, how can I put this... I was going to talk about something that I think is actually related, but directly to the question, I'm resorting in my head. So it is the difference between discernment and blame. Discernment and blame.

To take for example women's rights: I was a person in high-tech business for most of my business life, and I ran it. I was often the only woman in the room, and to maintain my place in the room was sometimes very difficult. And to not have to be something I was not was very difficult. I'm very aware of the stress that can arise from women's rights, and I myself am a very strong proponent of women's rights. At a time in my life, I developed a hoard, a bag of anger over that that I carried around with me, that could be triggered at any moment. And this was not only unhealthy, but it was part of the corrupted mind that was keeping me in the world of suffering.

I have not given up standing up for women's rights or supporting organizations that are defending women. I have stopped feeding my own anger to justify my position. So the difference between criticism and critique is that criticism says, "It's your fault," which is irrelevant to actually solving the problem. I don't have to place blame. I just have to deal with the injustice and do something about the injustice. I don't have to build up the history of hate that is related to "it's your fault" or "it's my fault." I don't have to replace discernment with blame in order to improve conditions in life. So I hope that answers the question.

Host: Yeah, I guess it kind of sounds like that razor's edge between reflection and rumination or something. Yeah, very good observation. Thank you. Roxanne has a question: "Just to be who you are—that's the question. Who am I? How do I know who I am?" So I think that's something that everyone has had to deal with at some point. Like, how, I guess... who am I?

Maria Straatmann: So the most important part of that question is the question itself: Who am I? Not knowing is really important. So in order to know who you are, one needs to be in touch with, "What am I experiencing now?" And what are the reactions of now, and what are the sensitivities of now? It isn't what you do for a living, or how you spend your time, or the causes you believe in. Those are consequences of who you are.

When I say to just be you, what I mean is that it's not necessary for you to become someone else to be free of suffering. You don't have to achieve the ideal, whatever that is. You just need to be here with this, with the honesty to be truly present with what's here.

So if I am at the moment resentful, I need to be able to see resentment and say, "Oh, I'm sorry you're feeling that way, Maria, because it doesn't feel good." And do I have to tell myself the story to justify that resentment to keep it there? Yes, I do. And so I can stop the story. I don't have to condemn the resentment; I can stop defending it.

Who I am is the person who is in this moment grappling with whatever is true in this moment. And it is a result of the conditioning I've had my whole life—all of the events I remember and don't remember, and the conditions of this moment over which I have very little control. The conditions of this moment, one might say none.

So where is the blame? What we have are our intentions and what we do next, and what I hold in my heart. So know what you're holding in your heart. Thank you.

If I could give voice to just what's true for me now, what would the voice sound like? Would it be harsh? Would I shy from it? Would it be light? Just know it. See it clearly.

I wanted to ask myself that question for a month-long retreat: "Who am I?" And I got a lot of answers. At one point, there was a conversation going on in my head. This person was saying this, and this person was saying this, and running, and it was going back and forth. And then there was another voice that said, "Shut up!" And I said to myself, "Who am I? All of these voices."

We are not the voice in our head. So kind of keep that in mind also. I hope that helps. I'm sorry, it would take a longer conversation to actually know if it's helpful.

Host: Thank you, Maria. And Charles Lee just had a quote I think is related to the critique and criticism. This is from Toni Morrison^[7]: "The function, the very serious function of racism or any systemic bias is distraction. It keeps you from doing your work. It keeps you from explaining, over and over again, your reason for being."

Maria Straatmann: Repeat the first part of that, please.

Host: Yeah, from Charles: "The function, the very serious function of racism or any systemic bias is distraction. It keeps you from doing your work. It keeps you from explaining, over and over again, your reason for being."

Maria Straatmann: Yeah, it's significant that one does not see whatever pause one has—ignoring what is true, or walking away from what is true, or walking away from what one sees, or the discomfort of the moment.

The quality of seeing what is perhaps uncomfortable for us or unpleasant for us contains a message that says, "I can get distracted into arguing about this, or I can live my life in a full and open way that sees that and works within it to right wrongs, to live my life free and openly, and not to be actually constrained by all the things that I believe."

It's a very interesting quote, Charles Lee. Thank you.

Host: Yeah, and I think finally Marlene has her hand up again. So Marlene, you can go ahead.

Marlene: Oh, thank you. I really loved that quote that you read, Maria, about "speak with a corrupted mind and suffering follows... speak with a peaceful mind and basically happiness follows."

So I certainly believe that speaking with equanimity and peace in your heart is the way to go, to try to move forward, to understanding, to getting things done, to having something to talk about and knowing what to do about it. But if you're dealing... do you have any suggestions for how to speak with someone, how to get to the point with someone who lives in a state of anger?

Maria Straatmann: Just as you can't talk yourself out of anger, you can't talk someone else out of anger. Nor do you have a responsibility to talk them out of anger.

But I recently met with a friend who was very angry and had indeed turned some of her grief at losing her husband into anger towards other people who justifiably... her anger could be justified by the unfairness that she was being met with. But as she was speaking, she said something like, "I guess I've just been naive in trying to be open with them."

And I said, "Because they are as they are does not mean that you have to stop being as you are. You don't have to give up being a warm and open person in order to fight against them. You can still be the warm and generous person that you are. You can just stop being generous to them. But you don't have to fight them or develop anger in your heart that is not consistent with your own intentions in life. You don't have to criticize your own generosity because of how it's being met. You hold on to just who you are."

You hold on to just who you are, and you act accordingly to who you are. So you need to live your life according to who you are. So I saw the anger in her and I offered her the opportunity to not be angry. I didn't try to talk her out of anger. She was being attacked by these people—no question that she should react to it. She didn't have to be talked out of it, she just needed to get back in touch with her own intentions and not be changed by them. Not to give the power over to the opponent.

Marlene: And I guess what I'm trying to get to though is it's not just a one-off case. It's a case where this person spends so much time in the state of anger that... do I think that I talked her out of being angry? No. I only gave her another way that she could experience the moment, right? I hope those moments increase for her, right? You cannot change someone else's mind. And if you are the recipient of their anger—which I also experience—you can either say, "I hear your anger, I hear your objections, but I have no quarrel with you." Or you can engage in becoming angry in response, which is not useful. You can just say, "I have no quarrel with you." It's amazing what that will do.

Marlene: Thank you.

Maria Straatmann: But you have to reside in a place of, "Here I am, just as I am." It takes courage to be present. It takes a lot of courage to live in the present moment. I don't think I had any clue as to how much happiness lies in the present moment, though. Thank you, everyone. And thank you very much, Kevin, for taking care of me.

Host: Yeah, well thank you everybody, and we'll see you all tomorrow. Thank you, Maria, for your teachings.

Maria Straatmann: Thank you.