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Transforming the Texture of the Mind: How the Practice of Mettā Changes Our Relationships in Unexpected Ways

The Eleven Benefits of Loving-Kindness

I would like to share the Buddha's direct words on the benefits of loving-kindness. In the Aṅguttara Nikāya 11.15, the Mettānisaṃsa Sutta^[1], the Buddha spoke about this practice. You might have heard this, but maybe some people are new to it. The Buddha said that through this practice of sending loving-kindness towards ourselves, our body, our parents, family, friends, and all beings, eleven benefits arise.

The first benefits are that one sleeps happily, wakes up happily, and is free from disturbing dreams. How could it not be so? I highly encourage and invite you tonight, and every night, instead of letting the mind grumble, think about tomorrow, or remember something unpleasant from the day, do a body sweep with a sense of gratitude and well-being. Imagine falling asleep while sending loving-kindness to everyone. What kind of dreams will we have? What kind of rest will we have?

The Buddha continued by saying one is loved and respected by humans and non-humans. I mean, isn't it lovely to be surrounded by a loving person? People who have loving-kindness in their inner reality are welcomed gladly. Of course, a loving person is generally a kind, patient, and servicial person—someone who is ready to help. Who would not welcome a person like that?

The Buddha also said that one is protected from harm. He added that the mind becomes peaceful and is quickly concentrated. That last part is key. A mind that is loving is a mind that trusts. How can we love if there is no trust? When that trust is there, it's unavoidable that peace follows. And when peace follows, the mind is easily concentrated. There are no distractions, no jumpy things within. Loving-kindness enters the realm of spiritual development. It is not just something nice to do; it is an important spiritual tool that can bring us very far in meditation, even to the jhānas^[2].

The Buddha continued by saying one's appearance becomes serene and radiant. Anger, ill will, and conflict are bound to diminish. And here comes a benefit that I feel is deeply touching and important. The Buddha says that whoever practices sending blessings to themselves and others will die peacefully, with a mind free from confusion. Imagine having such a gift from offering love. Free from confusion means satisfaction, confidence, and clarity.

Finally, the Buddha said that if we haven't become enlightened, we will be reborn in a fortunate realm, a place where our practice will be supported, even the Brahmā realms^[3]. Who would not love to have a loving person in their family? The question is, am I one of those? What am I bringing to my family? What am I offering? Let's pause for a little while here and let everyone take their own account.

My dear family, love is a muscle. Like all the mental qualities that the Buddha inspired, they are all muscles. Wisdom is a muscle. Mindfulness is a muscle. Compassion is a muscle. We just need to continue exercising them every day.

Let's make a determination today. The next time I find myself waiting at the bank, the supermarket, or the elevator, instead of letting my mind get lost rumbling about the past or future, I will look at the people around me and just wish well for them and their families. I don't need to say it out loud. I will just wish for them: May you and your family be well. May I be well. May my parents be well. Choose whoever you wish and bring these blessings to your mind.

For the second time, we take the determination: The next time I find myself idle with free time, I will come back to love.

For the third time, before going to bed, or as the very first thing in the morning, make it a habit to start the day with: May everybody be well. Before going to sleep, bless others: May everybody be healthy. May everybody be at peace with life. And then fall asleep.

Obstacles to Loving-Kindness

Let's explore a few things to help ground the loving-kindness practice. When I went to a monastery in Myanmar about 22 years ago, my teacher, Sayadaw [unintelligible]^[4], showed me how to practice loving-kindness. At some point, I confess, I was feeling like, "Isn't this just pink, wishful thinking? May you be well, may you be happy..." I've seen many people who have this trouble. Throughout the years, I've continued practicing, and I found a few things that were acting as obstacles to loving-kindness. Now I feel it is much more grounded inside the body.

We know how to open the heart, starting with ourselves like looking into a mirror. May I be well, may I be happy. Then we open up to our parents, friends, family, people we know, people we don't know, and all beings in the universe, including people who have been difficult in our lives. This world clearly needs this practice. There is too much aggression and violence. Just in my own lifetime, living in Mexico, it has increased in unthinkable ways. Plenty of suffering is out there in the world. I make a bow and say: I will not contribute to the suffering in the world. In whichever way I can, I will try to neutralize it and offer the opposite.

Let's open the hood of love and take a look at the cables to see where it isn't making good contact.

Obstacle 1: The Message Doesn't Go Through Sometimes we try to express our love, but unfortunately, the message doesn't go through. Has anyone felt that way? The message didn't land. I found that I was trying to love others my way, but people receive and offer love in different ways.

For example, as a Latin person from Mexico, we are very huggy. We hug and kiss on both cheeks when we see each other. But I went to live in Asia for 20 years, and I was married into a Chinese family in Macau. When I first arrived, my Latin spirit wanted to hug everybody—my uncles, my cousins, my father-in-law. Whenever I came close, they reacted like, "Whoa, what's wrong with you?" After a few years, I felt frustrated because my typical way of expressing love was being rejected.

Then, one Saturday before the New Year celebration, my father-in-law was cooking. My mother-in-law came and asked me, "What would you like to eat tomorrow?" I told her I loved a specific dish with fried tofu balls in tomato sauce. Later, I went back to the room and told my wife, "Your parents just asked me what I wanted to eat tomorrow, and I said the tofu balls." She turned to me and said, "What? They asked you for the menu for tomorrow?" I said, "Yes, what happened?" She explained, "The grandpa is coming tomorrow, and all the family is going to be there."

In that moment, I realized that for them to ask me to set the menu for grandpa and the whole family was one of the greatest ways they could show their love. I learned that in a Chinese family, they love through food. After 20 years of experience, whenever they ask me, "What do you want to eat?" I hear, "I love you." The whole relationship changed from that moment on because I could hear and feel their love.

Many people have different ways of loving. Some like to receive written notes, while others prefer physical contact. We need to recognize their style and adapt to it if we truly want to show them love and care. We are loving them, doing it for them, not for us.

Obstacle 2: Not Granting Yourself Permission to Love The next obstacle I found was that I was shy to express love. Who here feels shy about expressing love? A lot of us. But that is just the beginning. Fasten your seatbelts. I recognized at some point that I had never given myself permission to love. It was not just shyness. I had to stop and ask: Do I have permission to love? Can I really be a loving person?

Sometimes in our cultures—like in Mexico, where boys are told they shouldn't express emotions or cry—expressing love isn't well-received. I realized my hesitation was related to social conditioning. I came to a conclusion. You know the saying, "Dance as if no one is watching"? I turned it into this: Love as though no one is watching.

Of course, we must do it respecting others and with their consent. But love as though no one is watching! Go back and ask yourself: Have I granted myself permission to love? If not, the lock is on. The Buddha constantly inspired us to practice loving-kindness for our own good, the good of our families, and our spiritual development. We cannot hold our hearts and minds back because of social conventions.

Obstacle 3: You Cannot Drink From an Empty Cup Keep your seatbelts on. This is a biggie. We cannot drink from an empty cup. We cannot pour tea for others if we don't have any. Do you love yourself? Do we have enough within ourselves to share with others?

How do you normally talk to yourself? Do you talk to yourself kindly, or like a general? I hear my own mind sound like a general sometimes. What kind of things do you tell yourself after making a mistake? Sometimes I hear a lack of respect for myself. If I don't respect or love myself, what am I going to share with others?

Go to the park by yourself, bring a piece of paper, and contemplate: Do I love myself enough? How much of a friend am I to myself? Do I enjoy my own company? Do I laugh with myself? Lighten up. We need to improve our relation with ourselves, because we are the only ones guaranteed to live with us for our entire lives. Everyone else will come and go.

Going to the Dungeons of Love

Here is the biggest obstacle. I can love all beings, all the bees, all the ants, and all the children. But when it comes to a difficult person, an enemy, it is tough. Yet the Buddha instructed that if we really wish to fortify our hearts, we need to be able to love our enemies. How do we do this?

We need to go to the "dungeons of love." We try to love people up in the penthouse, decorating it with flowers and incense. It's not possible. People complain to me, "Bhante, I feel fake when I send loving-kindness to my enemy." They start losing faith in the practice and label it as naive. The Buddha was not naive; he was very realistic.

When people tell me they cannot love their enemy, I ask them: "Okay, you cannot love that person. But would you like that person to die? Or their family?" Immediately, they say, "No, Bhante! I don't like him, but I don't wish him harm." I ask, "Do you want that person to have an accident and become crippled for life?" They answer, "No, of course not."

My dear family, that is already adosa^[5]—non-hatred. That is avihiṃsā^[6]—non-ill will. It is the opposite of hatred. It is not full love yet, but it is the basement, the foundation of our love. Then comes the next question: "You don't wish them harm, but can you wish them well in their own world? You don't need to be friends again. But can you wish for him and his family to be healthy?" Generally, people say, "Yes. May he and his family be well. I wish them no harm."

Now, that is love. We arrived from the bottom. Going to the dungeons of love is deeply beneficial. Once we do that, we finally release the guilt and tension of the hatred we feel toward that negative person.

Let's do this together right now. Bring to mind the difficult persons in your life—people with whom you have had fights or lost patience. Bring them in, and please repeat inside yourself:

I take responsibility for my part. You are responsible for your part. I don't wish you harm. May you and your family be well. Even if our friendship doesn't come back, I am at peace with it. I take the good things that we experienced, and I cherish them dearly. What happened afterward does not tarnish them. May you and your family enjoy health in your way, with my boundaries. May you and your family have the tools to make peace with life. Thank you for the learning, teacher. May you and your family be well. Here, there is no malice. I free myself from grudges for my own well-being. I free myself from hatred. May you, I, and our families be healthy and with minds at peace.

Cosmic Shadows and Universal Connection

Now we can say: May all beings be well. We are sharing this space on this planet. We are not different. Everything that has happened in our life has happened while we were floating through space together. We are a single big family. May all beings be well and at peace with life.

I want to share something that has really opened the possibilities for love in my monastic life. When I am receiving food in my alms bowl, I know I am alive because of the kindness of somebody else. We monastics use no money, and we cannot cook for ourselves. Let nobody in this world deny human kindness, because we monastics are walking proof that it exists.

When I chant blessings for the people offering food, I close my eyes. When you close your eyes, there is no age, no gender, no social status, no titles, and no egos. There are just beings that arose in the universe. I like to call them sombritas cósmicas—little cosmic shadows^[7]. You feel other little cosmic shadows traveling on this planet temporarily. We will be moving around until we get enlightened.

Isn't it easy to love everyone from this perspective? No labels of animal, human, or deva. Just a stream of consciousness that happens to have this kind of body right now temporarily. If we can't love others, it becomes evident that the main obstacle is our own ego, which doesn't allow us to see others openly without labels.

The Buddha gave us a framework for this in the Right Thought of the Noble Eightfold Path^[8]. Right thought is renunciation, non-harm, and non-cruelty. This means detachment, loving-kindness, and compassion. These are the lenses through which I will free myself.

Walking in Beauty

Before getting into Buddhism, I practiced Native American ceremonies for almost a decade. I went to the Sundance in South Dakota at the Rosebud Reservation with the Lakota tribe. We went to visit the chief, Chief Leonard Crow Dog^[9], in his teepee. As we were coming out, the chief said, "Nephew." I turned and said, "Yes, uncle." He then said something that really touched my heart: "Walk in beauty."

Later, I learned what walking in beauty meant during a peace dance ceremony. The medicine man told us, "Imagine this circle is the whole planet. You are barefooted, touching the ground. Remember that whoever is standing on this earth, you are touching them. We are all connected through the earth. Every step that you take into the ground will be a blessing for others. May everybody be well. May everybody be healthy. May everybody be free from harm."

I still practice this when I do walking meditation. I invite you to walk in beauty right now. If you can, stand up where you are. Even three steps are enough. Do a quick body sweep, feeling your face, neck, and shoulders. Imagine your cells getting imbued with loving-kindness.

Shift your weight slightly from left to right. Every time you feel the weight in your feet, make it a blessing: May everybody be well. I am touching everyone standing on this earth. I am touching all the children, mothers, and fathers. Now, take a few steps.

Left, right, left, right... May everybody be well. May everybody be safe. All my cells are imbued with loving-kindness. This body is mettā. Loving-kindness in action. Walking in beauty.

This is what should be done by one who is skilled in goodness, and who knows the path of peace. Let them be able and upright, straightforward and gentle in speech, humble and not conceited, contented and easily satisfied, unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways. Peaceful and calm, and wise and skillful, not proud and demanding in nature. Let them not do the slightest thing that the wise would later reprove. Wishing in gladness and in safety: May all beings be at ease. Whatever living beings there may be, whether they are weak or strong, omitting none, the great or the mighty, middling, short or small, the seen and the unseen, those living near and far away, those born and to be born: May all beings be at ease. Let none deceive another, or despise any being in any state. Let none through anger or ill will wish harm upon another. Just as a mother protects with her life her child, her only child, so with a boundless heart should one cherish all living beings, radiating kindness over the entire world. Spreading upwards to the skies, and downwards to the depths; outwards and unbounded, free from hatred and ill will. Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down, free from drowsiness, one should sustain this recollection. This is said to be the sublime abiding. By not holding to wrong views, the pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision, being free from all sense desires, is not born again into this world.

Sādhu, sādhu, sādhu. This is the Karaniya Mettā Sutta^[10], the Buddha's instructions on loving-kindness.

When Animals Approach Differently

I was invited to a Gen X Dhamma teachers retreat with Kim Allen^[11] near Washington D.C. It was wonderful to have teachers from all branches of Buddhism sharing our difficulties and successes. During that retreat, I shared this next story.

Years ago, I practiced at a monastery wholly dedicated to loving-kindness. The teacher, Sayadaw [unintelligible]^[4:1], told us, "If you continue practicing loving-kindness, the animals will start approaching you differently. They will change their attitude towards you." I confess I was cynical and skeptical. I thought, "Yeah right, like I'm Snow White or something."

But the Dharma is mysterious. I continued practicing, and things started to change.

• A little dog got lost outside our monastery, walked straight into my robes, and took refuge there between my legs.
• We rescued a baby squirrel that had fallen from its nest. I put her in my robes like a hammock, and she stayed with me for two months. The children in the local community knew her. One day, while I was giving a lesson on the Abhidhamma^[12], she died right there in the robes on my chest. She chose to spend her last hours surrounded by the robes while the Dharma was being spoken.
• A young horse in the forest would walk up behind me and rest its chin on my shoulder while I was on alms round.
• While building the monastery, a butterfly landed on my shoulder at 9:00 a.m. It stayed on me for nine hours while I was working, talking to the architect, and going into the city. At 6:00 p.m., I sat down exhausted. The butterfly fluttered down in front of me and died right there.

The most exotic friend I ever made was a scorpion. The workers were installing glass doors and used duct tape. I found a Mexican scorpion completely stuck to the tape. Mexican scorpions are no joke; they can be very harmful. I knew if I left him, he would die a slow, terrible death. I started peeling the tape away from his legs and pincers, talking to him the whole time: "Don't sting me, I'm going to release you." But as I freed him, I realized his pincers were glued together.

I crouched down and had a serious talk with him: "I have to fix this, but don't sting me." As I held his pincers to the floor to remove the glue, the scorpion completely relaxed his tail. He allowed me to touch his weapons and clean them. He didn't even want to leave afterward; I eventually had to take him into the forest to release him.

What I learned from this is that my teacher was right. If you continue practicing loving-kindness, animals will approach you differently. And remember, we humans are just another species of animal—hairless apes. If we practice loving-kindness, people will approach us differently too.

The deepest lesson here is that the Buddha was not joking. Even when we hear about magical or unapproachable things in our spiritual development—the jhānas, liberation, the deep capabilities of love and wisdom—the teachers are telling the truth. The Dharma is real.

Dealing with Fear and Paranoia

In the past, I suffered from severe paranoia. I couldn't sleep, and it was completely out of logic. The anxiety and fear were so strong that I even considered suicide, which only made the fear worse.

I went to my teacher, and he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "You have a pattern, and you need to go through it. You cannot continue hiding from it. And you and I both know that you will do it."

I went back, and within a week, I discovered the formula for fear. Fear has three pillars:

1. Imagination: When we are fearful, we are imagining things. Fear is a liar. Imagination is beautiful when coupled with positivity—it creates art and technology. But it becomes dangerous when mixed with the second ingredient.
2. Negativity: Thoughts like, I'm going to die. I will fail. I will get sick. Imagination and negativity must never be mixed. They are like a spark and gasoline. To unplug negativity, we must practice conscious gratitude. Gratitude sees what is going well and immediately destroys negativity.
3. The Future: We are never afraid of something that has already happened. Fear is always about an uncertain future. The future will forever be uncertain. The question is, have you made peace with uncertainty? Ground yourself in the certainty of the present moment. I can feel my hands, the cloth on my skin, the sounds of the forest. What is there to be fearful about right now?

All three of these can be unplugged. If you unplug even one, the formula for fear collapses. When fear arises, step back, recognize your blessings, and release into the present moment. Since discovering this 14 years ago, the paranoia has never come back. We can be free.

Q&A: Accompanying the Dying

(A question was asked by Mary, a hospice volunteer, about how to practice with a dying patient who had a hard life as an addict, carries immense anger, and feels numb from medication.)

Bhante Rāhula Thera: You can ask for forgiveness together. Remember when we went to the "dungeons of love"? You can gently guide him: Our relation got bruised, but at the bottom, I don't wish you harm. I want to be free.

When we forgive, the greatest beneficiary is ourselves. Grudges only torture us, while the other person is completely unaware. Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Ignorance is extremely expensive.

I work in drug addiction recovery centers, and the best thing you can do with an addict is level the ground. Addicts are often highly sensitive, intelligent people who have a very good sense for spotting insincerity. If you come in patronizing them—"I am the healthy one, you are the sick one"—the door closes. When I speak to them, I say, "I am an addict too. I'm addicted to this phone, I'm addicted to food. We are in the same boat. Let's talk as humans."

Lower the ground, establish trust, and just be there to accompany him. Your silent presence is incredibly valuable. If you want to help raise the frequency of his mind before he passes, help him remember the good he has done in his life. Even if it was just a small act of generosity or simply moments of non-harming, remind him of it.

We cannot change anyone's karma—that is impossible and presumptuous. But we can inspire one another. Remind him that there is goodness in his heart, and that morality and kindness are our greatest assets at the end of life.

May all the blessings come to be, and the devas always protect you. By the power of all the Buddhas, the Dharma, and the Sangha, may we always be at ease, free from physical and mental suffering, and totally free. Sādhu.