Happy Hour: Pillars of Joy (5/8) -- Forgiveness II

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The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on October 15, 2020. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: Pillars of Joy (5/8) -- Forgiveness II

Introduction

So for today's practice together, last time we practiced we touched into the practice of forgiveness as part of the Eight Pillars of Joy^[1] series that we've been covering together and exploring together over the weeks and days. As we tapped into the possibility of forgiveness, the different aspects of forgiveness for ourselves, others, for conditions, the request at the end by many people raising their hands when I asked, "Would it be helpful to do this again?" So yes, we're going to approach and work with forgiveness again tonight, slightly differently. There are so many different ways to work with these practices, and it's nice to offer them up. So I like to say a couple words, especially for those who weren't here the last time, and say another couple words for those who were here last time, just new things on forgiveness.

So considering, why would forgiveness be a pillar of joy? Really feel into that for yourself. Why would forgiveness support joy? See what arises as you check in for yourself. I trust that something perhaps similar to the following might have come up for you. Maybe that if we are hanging on to a hurt, not letting go of hurt, and not forgiving others or forgiving ourselves, the rumination, the going over what happened, how we were hurt, going over the hurt over and over and over again, takes a lot of mental, psychological energy. A lot of negative rumination sucks the joy out of us, sucks it dry.

So forgiveness, as one of the Eight Pillars of Joy, is really a movement of the heart that supports ourselves. We try to forgive as much as possible, as much as it's available at a given time, simply for the freedom of our own heart. So that our own heart and mind is at peace, in peace, it has closure, it can move on. It can move on to more joy and happiness, and not be continually going over and over and over the hurt and the harm that was done. And also to say, forgiveness isn't always possible. We may not be ready to let go, it may not be available. So not to try to push it. Forgiveness is a generosity of the heart that's offered to ourselves and to others. It's the same way that you can't push generosity, kind of like force yourself; it doesn't quite work. They are opposites of each other. In the same way with forgiveness, there needs to be some openness for natural forgiveness to arise.

And yet, the same way that we cultivate goodwill, kindness, mettā^[2], in these sessions so that they become the proclivity of our hearts and minds, so that when something comes up in our lives with ourselves and with others, kindness is the natural response that comes up. In the same way, we incline our hearts and our minds towards forgiveness. It's not that you should forgive; there are no 'shoulds' in these practices. We just incline our hearts, our minds to see, ah, what's available? What's available? In addition to considering the benefits, the values of this practice, there are many people, many living and not living archetypes, who can serve to really support us, to inspire us in the practice of forgiveness.

One little example I want to bring up is one that is from The Book of Joy^[3]. It's the story of Anthony Ray Hinton, who is a man who spent 30 years on death row for a crime he did not commit. He spent 30 years in a five-by-seven-foot cell in solitary confinement, and was allowed one hour of a day to be out. During his time on death row, he became a counselor and friend not only to the other inmates—54 of them who were put to death—but also to the guards, many of whom begged his attorneys to free him. His case made it all the way up to the Supreme Court, and the Supreme Court unanimously set him free.

So in an interview with him—and there are many anecdotes and stories of what a really gracious and beautiful man he was—this anecdote I want to share with you is from an interview on the American TV show 60 Minutes. The interviewer asks Hinton whether he was angry at those who put him in jail, and he responds that he had forgiven all the people who had sent him to jail. The interviewer then incredulously asks, and I quote, "But they took 30 years of your life." And he answers, "If I'm angry and unforgiving, they will have taken the rest of my life. If I'm angry and unforgiving, they will have taken the rest of my life." I find the example that this beautiful human being sets is so inspiring in why we would choose to forgive for the freedom of our own heart.

Of course, there is a difference between forgiveness for our own heart, and restorative justice. There is justice, there is right to be done in the world. Not to say that oh, we just forgive and we become a doormat, and it's all okay. Forgiveness is not about that. You can forgive someone in your heart, understanding, and still restoration and restitution needs to happen for harms that were done. So there is the action in the world, not condoning them, but also offering forgiveness for the freedom of our own hearts.

Guided Meditation

So a lot of words, a lot of concepts I've offered. So I'd like to ask you to let them go right now, and let's just engage in sitting practice together. And as always, we sit and bring the mind to the breath, to the body, calm, settle, and then I'll have some invitations for you to explore this practice for yourself, a practice of forgiveness, and to see what comes up. And to trust that there is no right or wrong; whatever comes up for you in this moment is what needs to come up. And please don't try to push any forgiveness if it's not available.

So with that, I'd like to ask you to get into your meditation posture, if you need to move, if you need to lie down.

Landing, arriving in this body in this moment. However this body is in this moment, arriving and landing. Arriving, each moment a new arrival.

Feeling your sit bones, your bottom contacting the chair or the cushion, letting it land, make contact fully. Relaxing the abdomen, relaxing the back part of the abdomen, relaxing the lower back from the inside. The inside of the lower back, the lower belly, groin area, that whole area invited to drop, drop its weight.

And dropping the weight of the shoulders, the arms, the hands. Dropping, dropping any tension in the forehead, letting it be smooth, the jaw softening, relaxing. Inviting the entire body to be soft, relaxed, a little heavy in a good way, letting go of its weight. Let tension rest.

Rest in the belly. The attention, awareness, receiving the breath in the belly. For each in-breath, inviting more aliveness in this body. And with each out-breath, letting go. Let it go, any tension, any holding.

Let there be a sense of receptivity, kindness, goodwill that permeates the body, infusing the body. Receiving the breath almost as if receiving the breath with a smile. Or you can just try to smile as a sign of goodwill, receiving the breath. Letting go of any tension. In fact, physiologically, smiling does have an impact on the sense of goodwill and well-being; just try it on for size. Receiving the breath with a smile in your heart, releasing the breath with a smile in your heart.

Letting go. Letting go of any tension if they arise, and letting go of any ruminations in this moment in a friendly, kind way, saying, "Not now." Taking refuge in the body with the breath.

And now I'd like to invite you to bring to mind something, maybe today, maybe yesterday, maybe in the past few days, past week or so. Something that's not the number one thing that you're upset about or wish you hadn't done in that way, but maybe number two or three or four down the list. Don't take the 100-pound weight, maybe the five-pound or 20-pound in terms of the challenge of this situation. Bring to mind something that you wish you had done differently, for which perhaps you've been kicking yourself.

As you are resting in the body with the breath, still staying with the body—this part is important, staying with the breath and the body—and bringing this issue not into your head to think about it, but really have a felt sense of it in your body. "Yeah, that wasn't so wise in retrospect." Feeling in the body, staying with the breath.

And realizing that there are causes and conditions^[4] in that. At that point, there were things that were happening: the way you were thinking, the perspective you had, maybe the pressure you were under, the mood. There are so many causes and conditions that led to that unwise action.

And recognizing that you are only human. You're only human. You make mistakes, just like anyone else. Everyone makes mistakes. And holding yourself with a stance of kindness and compassion. "Oh sweetie, yes, I wasn't so wise. It's okay. It's okay. I understand." Holding yourself like a wise elder. Compassionate, wise elder. "It's okay, sweetie. You can learn from this and you can move on." No need to keep badgering yourself, no need to keep judging yourself, kicking yourself.

Holding yourself with kindness. Letting go, letting go of a past that cannot be changed, and forgiving yourself. Forgiving yourself as much as it is available in this moment, as much as it is possible. As a wise elder is holding you in your mind's eye, being of compassion, supporting you.

And if you wish, you can say to yourself: "In any way that I have harmed myself, knowingly or unknowingly, by thought, word, or action, I offer myself forgiveness as much as is possible in this moment."

Letting yourself be held by the wise elder of compassion, with kindness. "In any way that I have harmed myself, knowingly or unknowingly, by thought or action, I offer myself forgiveness as much as possible in this moment."

Letting your heart open its fist. Letting go as dropping a pebble, a hard rock into water. Ah. Releasing, dropping it away. Letting your heart be a little lighter if it's possible in this moment. You're only human, and by forgiving ourselves, we can actually open our hearts more: joy, more goodness to serve ourselves and others in the present moment and future. Beating ourselves up makes us small; we can't be available to serve, show up, and fulfill our most unique capacity of goodness and beauty to offer the world. So offering ourselves forgiveness.

And with this scenario, maybe others were harmed also. Or maybe there's some other action, or thought, or speech, a recent time that someone else was harmed. Bringing that to mind again, either the same scenario or a different one if needed. And in your heart, asking for forgiveness of others whom you might have harmed. "In any way that I have harmed you, knowingly or unknowingly, by thought, word, or action, I ask for your forgiveness. I ask for your forgiveness as much as is possible in this moment."

Again, we're not in contact with them right now, but as an act of opening our hearts to the possibility: "In any way that I've harmed you, knowingly or unknowingly, I ask your forgiveness as much as is possible in this moment."

Letting there be a sense of kindness and compassion, both to yourself and to this other being who might have been harmed by you. Both of you, both of us who've been entangled together, entangled in this way. "I ask for your forgiveness if I've harmed you in any way, as much as is possible in this moment."

And maybe in either of these scenarios, the first one or the second, or maybe they're the same. Maybe you were also hurt by this other person. Seeing them from the stance of common humanity, whether they harmed you intentionally or unintentionally. Is it possible to offer some forgiveness in your heart right now, just for the freedom of your own heart? So that you have your freedom. Whether or not they deserve it, that's not the point. They may not deserve it. They may not have ever asked for forgiveness, but just for your own freedom. Offering grace, as there's grace and mercy in the universe, plenty of it. Can your heart in this moment tap into that and offer forgiveness? Let go. Drop the weight of the rock, the pebble, in water, in the lake.

And if you wish, silently saying to yourself: "In any way that I have been harmed by you, knowingly or unknowingly, by thought, word, or action, I offer you forgiveness as much as is possible in this moment."

And lastly, there are so many causes and conditions that led to the harm being caused, the hurt either to you or to others or to both. To offer forgiveness for all the causes and conditions. To acknowledge everything that had come before that was out of your control, and out of the other being's control. Everything that led to it. Offering forgiveness for all the causes and conditions that could not have been controlled, that were put in place a long time ago. Releasing your heart of wishing for a better past.

One version of this last one by Larry Yang^[5] is: "In any way that I've been unable to be with and respond skillfully to the pain and suffering of our world, my own pain, and that of others, may I come to accept pain, suffering, confusion, and ignorance to be part of the journey, my own journey and the journeys of others. I offer forgiveness for the way that things are and have been, as much as is possible in this moment."

"May I come to accept suffering, confusion, and ignorance to be a part of my own journey and the journey of others. I offer forgiveness for the way that things are and have been, as much as is possible in this moment."

Offering forgiveness for the circumstances of being human. That pain and suffering, ignorance are a part of the journey. And seeing how that stance in your body can offer perhaps a sense of lightness. It's like this, being human. We are hurt and we cause harm. Round and round and round we go.

And for the last moments of this practice period, offering yourself forgiveness for whatever came up or didn't come up during this practice. May our practice together support our awakening, support the goodness in our heart to shine, to serve us and to serve all others in the world. Thank you all for your practice.

Reflections and Q&A

So there was a lot in that practice we did together, a lot to unpack. If there are any comments, reflections, questions you'd like to share, you're welcome to unmute yourself or to type it in chat.

Participant: Thank you, Nikki.

Nikki: You're welcome. Any reflections? Anything you'd like to share? Denise, I see you're unmuted. Would you like to share something? But we can't hear you. Can you hear me now?

Denise: Yes, I can hear you now. Okay. Oh, that was deep and very healing. Thank you very much. It was a practice that I actually came with a lot of weight in my chest to today, and I was not expecting that forgiveness was the right practice for this moment. And it was, especially right now in terms of self-forgiveness. And I wanted to ask you the last phrase you shared, about accepting the suffering, the confusion, the ignorance as part of this journey. That was exactly what I was battling with. So that was key. Thank you.

Nikki: Thank you, Denise. Thank you for sharing eloquently how the practice was for you today and supported you. Thank you so much.

Denise: Could you leave us in the chat that phrase?

Nikki: Yeah, I will put it in chat. And I can also actually... tell you what, I can also put all of them in chat. Let's see if that's going to work. Give me a moment here. By the way, the first three are from... let's see, this might be too long. Sometimes if you put something long in the chat, it won't let you put it. Oh, look at that, it let me put the whole thing in chat. And I tell you what, I'm going to put it in YouTube also in case YouTubers wanted to... these are the forgiveness phrases. You're welcome. Yeah, I guess it all came through right? I think it did. Yes. Oh, it doesn't seem to go through in YouTube. I think it's just too long for YouTube, the max is 200. Okay, I'll put it in YouTube afterwards. Yeah, thank you. Any other reflections or questions? Gita, I see you're unmuted.

Gita: Yeah. I'm going to have a hard time even asking this question because I'm not clear in my own head. I find in meditation this was definitely healing and also, for me, a very timely topic. I find in real life, when confronted with a situation that would benefit from forgiveness, my reaction is so fast. It's almost like a wound that doesn't ask for reflection first but hurts and asks for action before you can actually regulate with decision-making. So do you have any advice on how to work with that, if that makes any sense?

Nikki: Yeah, it absolutely makes sense. It absolutely does. So what I would say is basically, on the cushion when we're practicing these practices, we are slowly, slowly inviting, inclining our mind to have a different reaction, or not to have the reactivity, have a different kind of reaction in daily life, in real time. And it takes time for that to happen. So yes, it's understandable in real life it might seem like, "Whoa, yeah, on the cushion it's so much easier." But please do trust that it's absolutely transferable. It's absolutely transferable. I can attest to that. These practices have been transferred in my own life. I've behaved in ways that have surprised me in real life, forgiving people that I thought, "Wow, what? Me? What? Huh?" And it's like, okay, it's a practice. It's not me, it's just the practice that when you do it sincerely, it changes you. It changes you in ways that you will be surprised, you won't recognize yourself. Claire, yes, please.

Claire: Yeah, I just wanted to comment something that I've noticed in myself during the last two weeks, you know, I've been coming for about three, is that the levels of tolerance have become greater. So that I don't feel as much anger and I don't act out on it. I become much more willing to accept people who are different as being who they are and not getting angry about how it's affecting my life. And so in that respect, it overlaps with forgiveness, I think.

Nikki: Yeah. Beautiful. Thank you, Claire. Thank you so much for sharing your experience as a testimonial of Happy Hour. Coming for the past couple of weeks, already feeling a shift. That's great. We're going to ask you for a testimonial, we'll put it on the Happy Hour! Maybe at some point we'll make a group for people to connect. I've been thinking about that. So maybe it's a place to share things like that. But thank you so much, Claire, really appreciate you bringing it in. Especially, I think that's really helpful to hear for other people who are new to the practice, to hear that it actually has an impact, and for us to notice the impact in daily life, to see how we might be acting, behaving a little differently. Yeah, thank you for that.

So time is running fast. Let's transition to practicing in small groups, in order to keep a couple of minutes at the end for more reflection. So with the small groups, here is the inquiry I'd like to offer. One is to of course show up as if you're showing up—remember in the guided meditation I suggested to see your wise, compassionate elder? Okay, so each of you are going to this small group practice meeting together with your wise, compassionate elder who's now sitting on your shoulder, maybe, and just calming you, saying "It's okay, it's okay," loving you compassionately. So doing that for yourself and for other people that you're in the small practice meeting with.

And the prompt is: which of the aspects of this practice worked for you? Maybe if there's time, go one round and say what worked. If there's more time, go one more round and say what didn't work, perhaps, if there's anything. But let's start with that. So I will create the breakout rooms, and I hope you stay, because there's so much wisdom to be offered in these small groups. You can really learn from each other about what has worked and how people found their way to work with this practice. And if for whatever reason being in a group does not work for you in this moment in time, it's perfectly understandable. So I will open the rooms now, and here we go.

[Breakout sessions occur]

Nikki: Hello and welcome back, everyone. So we have just about a minute left. If there are any reflections, please feel free to unmute yourself and go. What was it like to practice in groups? Lisa, please.

Lisa: Hi. Um, one thing I was really connecting with was the fourth kind of phase around forgiving of the causes and conditions and circumstances. And I felt like it, I'm going to use your phrase, felt like a sense of common humanity between myself and the other person who came up for me in this meditation, around our unskillful actions toward myself and that I experienced from another. Because we were all facing these causes and conditions, different ones, but I think like habit patterns that led to that unskillful reaction. And so I felt this sense of connection and that common humanity that has not come up for me before in this forgiveness practice. Yeah, that was something I noticed. And thank you so much, Nikki and everyone.

Nikki: Thank you so much for sharing that, Lisa. I really appreciate you bringing this perspective of common humanity and the causes and conditions. We are impacted with different causes and conditions that we may not even know, we don't have control over. Just being human, it's so hard. So hard already, so complicated for all of us. And suffering being a part of the journey. Yeah, thank you. Yeah. So Claire, you wanted to add something, or no?

Claire: Now I've somewhat forgotten, but I guess what I was starting to share with my small group was, you talked about a sense of freedom. And I realized as we were talking that what happens for me is when I hold on to anger or am unable to forgive, it pulls me down into a bad and unhealthy emotional state. And when I forgive, I feel freed to then get back to my own life in that space.

Nikki: Right. Exactly! To just say "I'm done with that" and moving on. Which is why it's a Pillar of Joy. Beautifully put. Yeah, thank you for expressing that experientially.

So it's 7:02 and Barry asks, "Is there a retreat this weekend?" Yes, I'm teaching a retreat this weekend, everyone. So some of you might be on my mailing list; I think many of you are not. I'm teaching a retreat. I'll put the link in the chat. It's a two-day retreat. Starts Friday night, just starting setting the tone, and then Friday and Saturday of meditation. It's offered through the British Columbia Insight Meditation Society. So if you'd like to spend... yay, that's right Gita, you're in Vancouver, that's where we met. So yeah, if it wasn't for COVID I would be up in Vancouver this weekend, but I'm in Mountain View, so I'll be teaching it virtually in Vancouver. So please join us. Yeah, I'm missing you guys also. So lovely to be there last year, whenever it was. So if you'd like to join us, check it out and please come. It would be lovely to spend a couple of days practicing together.

Is it okay to come to a part of it? Yes, it's perfectly okay to come to a part of it.

So dear ones, thank you for practicing together, coming, showing up, practicing, especially engaging with forgiveness, which is a courageous practice. It's a beautiful, deep, courageous practice. So thank you so much for your courageousness and showing up for yourself and all beings everywhere. May you be well, happy, free, and available to serve yourself and all beings everywhere. Thank you all. You can unmute yourselves and say goodbye.

Participants: Thank you, Nikki. Bye-bye Nikki. Thank you, love you folks. Thank you. Thanks everybody. I love this new ritual. Thanks all. Bye-bye.