Guided Meditation: Meeting Ill Will with Goodwill; Dharmette: Hatred (3 of 5) Practicing with Ill Will

This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video Guided Meditation: Meeting ill-will with good-will; Hatred (3 of 5) Practicing with Ill-will. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.

The following talk was given by Gil Fronsdal at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on July 28, 2021. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Guided Meditation: Meeting Ill Will with Goodwill

Good day everyone, and welcome.

The topic overall for this week is to take a good look at dosa^[1], a Pali word that I think today I'll translate a little differently than hatred or hostility, but as ill will. That translation works well as a contrast or as a partner, in a sense, to goodwill. It's easy to set these up in opposition to each other and to feel like it should be either one or the other. But one of the wonderful things about practice is the way we can bring things together, and nothing's excluded. Everything has a certain kind of place in the field of awareness, and learning what that place is is part of the art of mindfulness.

Part of practice, and one of the ways of holding these together, is when there is ill will—whether it's to another person, to oneself, or to some particular aspect of our experience. Even in meditation, there may be some ill will to the meditation cushion we're sitting on because it's too hard or too anything. Bring it together, like a left and a right hand coming together to hold each other. Bring them together. Meet the ill will with goodwill.

Sit in a field of a certain generosity of heart that is willing to gaze upon all things kindly, including our unkindness. This includes the ways in which we might have ill will, cynicism, snideness, or a certain kind of judgmentalism, which is kind of like stabbing at people or ourselves. Instead, to meet ill will with goodwill doesn't mean condoning it. It doesn't mean encouraging it to continue and do what it wants to do. But it is a way of not being in opposition with it that allows the ill will that we carry to be held in a field, in an embrace, that allows something in the ill will to relax.

Ill will, hostility, and hatred represent tension, contraction, tightness, a certain kind of forcefulness, and sometimes a certain kind of assertion of power. Goodwill is a different kind of power that's never assertive. Many people say that love was always more powerful than hate.

As we sit here today, you might consider what it would be like to be mindful, to be present for your breathing, for your body, for your experience, for your emotions. Whatever ill will might arise, what would it be like if it is met or held or gazed upon with goodwill, with kindness or friendliness, or a generosity of heart that doesn't condemn but also doesn't condone, and allows something deep inside over time to relax? That would be good to relax.

So, assuming a meditation posture. Perhaps for this sitting, some care could be given to a posture that expresses a goodwill to your body, that's caring for your body. Adjusting your legs, your arms, your torso, your head—just all the little subtle and big ways in which you can care for it and put it into a posture that is supportive and helpful for you to meditate with goodwill.

Some people, when they want to evoke goodwill, will put their hand over their hearts. Somehow the human touch and contact allows us to feel the warmth that comes in that space of contact. If there is warmth there, allow it to settle in and be received by the heart area.

Gently close your eyes. And maybe ever so slightly, if it's just right for you, take some deeper breaths that express goodwill to yourself, care. This life-giving air that you take in is done in a way that feels caring or nourishing, in a way of caring for yourself. As you exhale, relax in your body. Soften, settling in, and grounding here in this body.

Letting your breathing return to normal.

Is it possible to establish an attitude of goodwill, of kindness, metta^[2], as the attitude that carries or supports the meditation today? Perhaps it's experienced as a kind of tenderness, a warmth, a caring, a well-wishing. And with that attitude, settle into the experience of the body breathing. Relaxing and softening.

If, as you're sitting with your breathing, something arises that's challenging or difficult for you, see if you can meet it or be aware of it with goodwill. Maybe with the idea that, "This is difficult, and I wish this part of me—I wish this whatever it is—I do wish it to be well. I do wish that it knows that it's cared for."

In a world where ill will is so common, goodwill can be revolutionary. It even changes the paradigm. Perhaps as we sit here now, let the paradigm be a simple, gentle goodwill. Breathing in and breathing out, settling into your breathing, to the present moment.

If you are wandering off in thought, is there something underneath or part of the thinking that you can touch with kindness, with goodwill? Then relax. Let go of your thinking.

As we come to the end of the sitting, we do a variation of a common Buddhist practice, which is to dedicate the merit of our practice. Dedicate the benefits that we've had from practicing for the welfare of others. There's a wonderful dynamic with dedication of merit, which is to offer up the benefits we receive for others, for the whole world. It creates more merit; we benefit from doing so if we dedicate our practice for the welfare and happiness of others.

Appreciate that the deepest or fullest welfare and happiness that people can experience is a freedom from attachments, a freedom from greed, hatred, and delusion. And so when we wish even difficult people in our lives that they be happy, safe, peaceful, and free, if that actually is the case, we benefit because they'll be in the world without greed, hatred, and delusion. It's this wonderful chemistry or dynamic of goodwill and generosity. It's healthy for all of us in all directions to practice lots of it.

So now as we end the sitting: May whatever benefit that has come from this practice today, may we find ways in which to enact it, to express it for the happiness of others. For the safety of others, for the peace of others, and for their freedom. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free.

Dharmette: Hatred (3 of 5) Practicing with Ill Will

I'm sorry about that, that I kept the mic on while I was drinking and you had to hear the swallowing. [Laughter]

So the topic this week is dosa, which I've been translating as hatred or hostility. It's also translated as ill will, which has the benefit of feeling like it can include a wider range, including things that are even very mild. There can be a feeling that there's a little bit of ill will in it that you might not identify as having hatred or hostility. It might be as simple as someone crowding you a little bit too much in the supermarket line. Maybe instead of six feet away, they stand four feet away. It's far enough that you don't feel like you can say something, but you really don't like it. You feel this kind of little ill will to that person. Is it necessary to have the ill will? It's not hatred, it's not hostility, but it is a kind of unkind attitude.

Today the topic is how to practice with ill will. This is a big topic. I want to try to do it from a wide perspective first, and then bring it in closer and closer to the mindfulness practice with it.

A wider perspective is that if you want to practice with ill will, if you want to get a handle on the ill will that you have and become wise about it, and even become free from it—even if it remains, it's the kind of freedom you can find around it so you're not caught in its grip—one of the things to do is to reflect on it for a while. Think about it, contemplate, talk to friends about it, and see if you can begin understanding what your relationship to it is. What attitude do you have towards ill will? Do you have ill will towards ill will? Do you tend to regularly justify it and hold on to it? Do you tend to feel shame because you have it? Do you tend to ignore it, deny it, and push it away?

All those are common attitudes that people can have towards the ill will that they have, and there are lots of other things. But what is that relationship you have? What's the attitude? What are your beliefs about it? Do you believe that it's always wrong? Do you believe that for you it's always justified? That's a tricky one, because in some ways, maybe it is justified given how difficult the experiences are that are happening to you and what people are doing. But maybe, even if it's easy to justify, it's not really the most strategic way of living your life in the face of challenges. Maybe there are better ways.

Look at the attitude we have and the relationship, and then consider also: if you act on the ill will, what happens? What are the consequences of that? Are the consequences in the world really beneficial or not? Sometimes expressing strong ill will to someone can be strategic in the moment to get what you want, but maybe it doesn't really set up conditions for the long term that are very healthy or useful. What are the dangers associated with ill will? And then, what's it like for you when you walk around with ill will? What are the things that come with it?

To live a reflective, contemplative life, to question it and consider it, is often helpful to do with a wise friend. Even sometimes to engage your friend and say, "I'd like to explore ill will and my relationship to it. Would you be willing to just kind of be with me as I explore it? Maybe ask me questions and help out." The benefit of that kind of reflection is when you sit down to meditate, you're wiser about the ill will. You can recognize some of the attitudes that come up, some of the common strategies and beliefs you have in relationship to ill will that interfere with the ability to really be present for it.

Another thing that can be helpful before you meditate, or during meditation, is to have some familiarity with metta. Have some familiarity with some of the emotions of kindness, compassion, and care that can live inside of us. Consider—and this can be reflective also, maybe in conversation with friends—what is the relationship of goodwill to ill will? Are there appropriate ways to bring goodwill to ill will, to have goodwill meet the ill will, or to touch ill will? I use those words carefully, "meet" and "touch" ill will, because it's different than fixing and getting rid of it.

I've had ill will and tried to use my practice to kind of blast it out of existence. It was a kind of ill will to ill will. But to touch it, to begin exploring this world of ours in relationship to goodwill—what is goodwill, and where does that live in our lives? This is a reflective, contemplative life that lets things deepen and fill out for us. So when we come to meditate, that's in the background. It's a foundation that's a support for the mindfulness practice itself.

In mindfulness practice, whether it's on the cushion in meditation or in regular life, it entails stopping and looking. We have ill will; we want to stop and take a good look. Stopping means we don't just barrel ahead and be busy in our life, but if the situation allows it, we pause so that you really reckon, "Oh, this is what's happening now." Sometimes there can be a general, simple understanding that there's ill will there, and some people might be content thinking, "Well, that's kind of mindfulness." But it's not really stopping and pausing and really taking an honest, good look and seeing, "This is what's happening. There's ill will here."

Having stopped to take a really good look at it, take the time to familiarize yourself with it, to be in the present moment with the experience, which is what the seeing is. Begin seeing it more fully with eyes that maybe have a little goodwill, or eyes that are caring. With all our attitudes that we have about it that make it so much more complicated, to stop and look at the ill will with eyes that are simple, present, without hostility, without condoning it, without justifying it, without feeling shame about it or being critical about it. Just to kind of look at it for itself, for what it is.

There is a rightness, an appropriateness, to really stop and take a look at the experience of ill will in and of itself, as if it has permission to be there. Because you've stopped, there's no danger that you're going to act on it in harmful ways. You're just going to look at it and really get to know it.

One of the ways, as expressed with many things in meditation, is to feel it in your body. How is it experienced? Where is the center of it? Where is it expressed most in the body? Where is the tension? Where is the heat? Where is the pressure? Where is the place that wants to do something and act? Feel it in the body.

One of the advantages of really feeling it in the body is the body is not a story. One of the things that fuels ill will is a story-making mind: she said, he said, they said. So instead of continuing with the stories and the conversations, we drop in and let the body be the place that we feel what's actually happening. There's something very significant about feeling ill will in the body: the body has an ability to process difficult emotions in a very different way than the cognitive mind—the mind that thinks about things, analyzes things, and imagines things. The body has a tremendous healing power. To drop down and feel the body is part of this healing potential we have. One way that healing happens is that as soon as you feel it in your body, you can feel the tensions, and those tensions can begin to melt away. That changes the whole relationship to ill will because some of the fuel and power that ill will has comes from the tension we hold in our body, in our mind, or in our hearts.

It might also be useful to notice what other emotions come along with ill will. There might be underlying emotions that are really there; the ill will is just a symptom of deeper emotions. There might be fear, there might be hurt. There might also be, deep inside, a sense of conceit, a sense of self that we're contracted around. To drop in and start feeling carefully those underlying attitudes, feelings, emotions, contractions, and sense of self is sometimes much more useful than just paying attention to the ill will. I find it very helpful sometimes to think of ill will as just a messenger. Don't kill the messenger. What's the message? What's going on more deeply? Then to feel and be mindful of that. It's not an analysis, but it's feeling our way into what's deeper, what's really going on here.

Sometimes with ill will, there is a mindfulness of the stories we do, the beliefs we have. The fascinating thing there is to see them just as thoughts. To be able to be quiet and still enough, to have stopped enough just to observe a belief come up, a thought there, without believing it, without picking it up or being involved. Almost like you step back and you watch a thought bubble rise up above the head of a friend or a stranger. You're a little bit detached, you're a little bit removed, you're not entangled with it. We kind of step back and watch the thoughts, the story-making mind that sometimes is so important for perpetuating the ill will. Always finding some way to relax, to find the places where there's tension, and if it's easy enough, to relax it and settle.

To practice with it, to be present for it, to be mindful of it. All along, if you have some interest and value in goodwill, do this whole practice of practicing with ill will with an attitude of goodwill. You're doing this, even though it's difficult, for your own welfare and happiness, for long-term happiness. It might be difficult in the moment, but the more familiarity, the more wisdom, and the more capacity we have to be mindful and present with ill will, the more that will slowly begin to build and create a greater and wiser way of living with it. You'll discover one day that ill will has less and less hold on you, with less and less power over you. It might still arise, but instead of being alarmed or going along with it, you say, "Oh, there's my old friend ill will. It's okay. You can just stay there, and I'm not going to get involved with that, and later we'll practice with you or sit down."

In these few minutes that I have, that's what I have to say about practicing with ill will. It's well worthwhile. I think it's part of a responsible life to really learn the art, the ability to be mindful of ill will so that it doesn't get the upper hand, and so we don't cause harm in this world.

So, thank you. One of the things you might think of doing in practicing with ill will, even the slightest, for this next day is to maybe see: in what way does ill will contract you into yourself so that the sense of self or conceit is highlighted? Or to what degree does ill will create an unhealthy separation from other people? Both directions are possible. You see the difficulty in yourself to have ill will, and you see the difficulty it creates socially. You might see how that operates.

Thank you very much.