Happy Hour: Choosing Peace and Kindness

This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video Happy Hour: Choosing Peace and Kindness. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.

The following talk was given by Nikki Mirghafori at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on September 30, 2023. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Happy Hour: Choosing Peace and Kindness

Introduction

Hello everyone. Lovely to be with you this Friday, or Saturday if you're in a different time zone.

For today's practice, cultivating mettā^[1], kindness, goodwill, and the practices of the heart, I wanted to combine two invitations. One is an invitation for rest, for deep rest, as a way to share kindness with ourselves. To be kind to ourselves, we don't always have to be doing, doing, doing. Opening up to rest is an expression of kindness.

I want to couple that with the intentionality of engaging with kindness in our choices. We always have choice points. We always have choices that we make, sometimes unintentionally, sometimes intentionally. I want to bring more awareness to what's called in Buddhism volition, or volitional formations, or saṅkhāras^[2]. We talked about it this past week. It's this sense of even mild or subtle volitional choice that we make in our minds all the time.

By bringing more awareness to that, we can choose to be kind, gentle, generous, and grateful. Or we can choose—sometimes it doesn't feel like a choice, but really it is a byproduct of many choices we've made in the past or choices that we've been engaged with perhaps through our upbringing. We can start to notice it. Not to self-flagellate and say, "Oh, I'm being mean to myself," adding more salt to the wound, but just noticing. And perhaps, ever so slowly, bringing more kindness, making a choice to slowly change the flow of our future choices.

But it requires that we first bring awareness to our choices in every moment. Not just these big life choices—yes, those too, of course—but in these small, tiny choices that we make every moment: how we react and how we behave.

Guided Meditation

So with that, let's make a choice to turn towards our practice. Sitting or lying down or standing, however it's comfortable for you.

Let the body make a conscious choice to relax. Relax the body. Relax the mind. Relax the heart. Let our posture have a sense of integrity, uprightness, and yet choose to have a relaxed attitude. A relaxed posture in the heart, a spacious posture in the mind.

With this spacious stance in the heart and mind, receiving the breath sensations in the abdomen^[3]. One breath at a time, to invite ourselves to settle. Take refuge in this moment in time.

Taking refuge in quiet is deeply healing and restful. And we choose to release thoughts, preoccupations, plans, overdoing. Can you release all that and make a choice? Choose to be simple. Choose to rest. Invite the heart and mind to rest and be at ease in this moment.

Now we choose rest. Refuge in simplicity as a radical act of kindness to this being who is me.

Release, release, release, as an act of mettā. Especially releasing what's not helpful right now. Worry less^[4]. Care. Simple kindness. Instead of pushing this being to do and accomplish and doing and doing, let it rest. Let her, him, they, rest.

Just as you would lay a beloved child on their bed, a little baby, let them rest. Same gesture of kindness. Choosing this gentle gesture of kindness for yourself. As if each breath was lovingly rocking yourself in this crib with each in-breath and out-breath.

And we choose ease. And we choose non-entanglement with thinking, wanting, worrying. We choose to put it down for just this moment. Put it down in this moment, and then this moment, stringing these moments together. Not picking it up. Choosing not to pick up the unhelpful patterns of the mind. Training ourselves in this supreme training.

Choosing ease. Choosing kindness. Choosing non-reactivity. Choosing peace in this moment, in this mind and heart. Planting seeds.

As a famous Swami said years ago, the natural state of our mind is peace and quiet; we just keep stirring it up. We choose to release stirring it up, putting it down with kindness. Peace.

As we turn to bring this guided meditation to a close, to sit together, let us choose non-judgment. No matter how the spirit of practice was—distracted, sleepy, it doesn't matter. Can we choose kindness? Appreciation for this practice, or this opportunity, for ourselves, for the community, or the technology, all the goodness. Can we have a moment of appreciation? Cultivating ease, kindness, goodwill for ourselves.

Can we choose to be generous in sharing our goodwill with all beings everywhere? May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including myself.

Everyone, thanks for your practice.

Reflections

I'd like to invite us, if you would, to offer a word of reflection. What is coming up for you in this moment? How are you doing? What's happening?

My words? There's happy, peaceful, and easeful. People are sharing: curious about ease, precious, gentle, relaxed, letting go. I love these reflections. Peace and quiet.

Keeping with this theme of choosing kindness, choosing peace and ease, I'd like to invite us to see if we can stay in this space as we engage with fellow practitioners. This can be a really interesting practice. It can really stretch us if you tend to get into a heady place when you enter a social situation. What if you stay in this quiet space, and in a container of fellow practitioners, when your turn comes, explore. Maybe a few words come from the space of quiet. Exploring for yourself, for your benefit, not trying to speak to them. You're just exploring out loud. And maybe just silence comes up, in which case you hold yourself with care. You choose silence and peace, and you're held with care, silence, and ease. It's all good.

You can explore the space of relating in a different way. This can be really opening because we usually get into a space and we want to talk, we want to share, we want to share our opinions. In this relational space, what if we enter with the intention to hold our peace and ease? Choosing peace, knowing that the other people in the space are making the same choice. What an interesting exploration together! You may not say a word, you might say a few words; it doesn't matter. See what feels authentic. And if it feels awkward, maybe say that. "Yeah, there's peace, and there's some awkwardness."

Just explore for yourself, see what this could open up. It can unhook the habit patterns we tend to have in social situations. This can be a very quiet, gentle exploration, like a relational sandbox. Be curious.

I'm going to create the breakout rooms, inviting you to explore. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other, and here we go.

Q&A

Nikki Mirghafori: Welcome back, everyone. I hope you had an interesting opening and a different learning opportunity in the small groups. We'd love to hear what you discovered, either from the practice or from the exploration in small groups. Especially if you haven't spoken recently, anything you'd like to bring into the community space would be lovely.

Peter: I've been enjoying your talks this week in the morning, and the subtlety of watching the mind has caught my attention. I didn't catch today's talk, but I wonder if you have thoughts on this. I'm going through some difficult moods and emotions around grief. Some of it may be necessary to just be with it, as opposed to avoiding it completely, which is impossible. Is watching the mind, even though it's painful, difficult, and sometimes unpleasant, a good opportunity? What might we get out of watching the mind, and the subtlety of what messages there may be?

Nikki Mirghafori: Thanks, Peter. There are so many different options, especially with being with grief. When there is loss, of course, grief is a natural response of the mind and heart. Sometimes grief can be complicated or contracted because there's resistance to the loss. There are the various stages of grief with bargaining and anger, and the challenging emotions could be considered a natural part of grief. Yet they often get more challenging when there's more resistance. If there's a lack of kindness, or if there is more clinging, it can be helpful to see those, but not, as you said, trying to do this in order to get rid of them.

Make sure that you don't end up with this project of, "I'm doing this practice in order to get rid of grief." It can become a subtle second agenda. It's wonderful because I did hear more that there is this intention of learning: "What am I learning if I observe my mind and my heart in this space? What can I learn about the patterns of this heart and mind? What can I learn about the response of a human being to grieving in general?" It's both personal and universal.

Can I take on this clear seeing as it is intertwined with kindness? This curiosity which has kindness with it is responsive. Sometimes it can lean into the kindness, and sometimes it can lean into the curiosity. There can be more of a fiercer compassion, like, "Oh, sweetheart, you're really wallowing in this. Okay, maybe this is not helpful." And sometimes it's helpful to say, "Okay, stay with this. Stay with this." Always have compassion, mettā, and kindness intertwined in the curiosity as you observe the state of mind.

Jean: Nikki, I was just feeling that way, like I'm just itching in this really uncomfortable way to check my email. I'm in that loop, and it's just so hard to not do it. It's 7:01, you know, I'm gonna go for the email.

Nikki Mirghafori: This is great, actually, Jean. Let's try something out, if you're up for it. Let yourself—and if anybody else has some kind of an itch that's happening right now, like "I want to go do that now" or "I want to go watch that Netflix thing right now"—it's okay, you can still do it, but just play around with it for a moment.

Feel into this clinging, this wanting, this loop. Just with kindness, really let it be felt, and really feel into it. Breathe with it. Breathe around it. You're not trying to deny it, you're not trying to get rid of it, you're not suppressing it, and you're not giving it energy to let it proliferate. You're just being with it. Just observing it. It's like a little child that's having a tantrum, just patiently being with it.

Okay, breathe. Be stable. Keep breathing. Keep watching it. Let the body and the mind be calm and spacious. Keep watching it as it jumps up and down, maybe throws a little tantrum. Smile. Keep watching. You can be with it, and whatever you decide is fine. Just see what's happening. Any reflections, Jean?

Jean: I think somehow talking about it out loud to you, and maybe you responding, it sort of broke. I thought it would give me relief to push that email, and it sort of broke, and I just felt sad. I just felt the sadness in my chest and behind my eyes. I don't want that anymore right now. I don't want the email anymore; I don't have that drive. It sort of let me go. I just feel kind of sad now, but I think that feels better. It is a real relief, kind of.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thanks for speaking to that. Now it might actually be that this is a moment of insight, and thank you for inquiring together in real time because it's also helpful for the community when these things come up. Maybe in this case, it was the sadness that was the linchpin of the agitation, but it wasn't seen. It was the energy behind it. And when we really pay attention to what's on top—this energy of wanting, wanting—and then, oh, it lets go. It breaks, as you said, and we get to see what's underneath. We can be with the sadness. Can I be with that too, with the same kindness and generosity, and see what's there? What's the lesson there? Thank you.

Mima: I want to share something. I feel that by coming to Happy Hour, I've learned so much from you about how to speak to myself. I almost want to cry right now because I come from a really rough background for most of my life, where to be kind to myself was something that was foreign. Through Happy Hour and through your teachings, I've learned. I could get teachings from Dharma talks on Dharma Seed^[5], but to hear you speak to yourself and to speak to us that way... it's warmed my heart so much. I speak to others that way now as well, because that's how I speak to me now. I am just so touched that I've learned that. My family members can't believe the transformation, because of the sweetness, the kindness, and the genuine words. I feel them. It's like all that other stuff, like you told Jean right now, was covering up the goodness, the kindness, the compassion. I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for that, and everyone else. Thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you, Mima. And now I have tears in my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing your reflection and the beauty of your practice, your transformation. I am deeply, deeply touched. Thank you. It means the world to me. I'm celebrating you, Mima. I'm cheering you on. May you continue to cultivate this voice of kindness for yourself and for the sake of so many beings. What a beautiful note to end on tonight. Thank you, Mima. Deep gratitude.

My heart is full from this practice and all of your sharings, and now it's overfull. It's overflowing! [Laughter] Happy dance! One more kind voice in the world.

So thank you all. Thank you so much for your practice, for your goodness, for your cultivation. We do this work not just for ourselves, clearly, but for all beings everywhere, in ways we cannot fathom how they get touched. May all beings everywhere have goodness, have ease. May they be free, including ourselves.