Guided Meditation: Relaxing Self-Preoccupation; Dharmette: Aspiration (4 of 5) Universal Aspiration

This is an AI-generated transcript from auto-generated subtitles for the video Guided Meditation: Relaxing Self-Preoccupation; Aspiration (4 of 5) Universal Aspiration. It likely contains inaccuracies, especially with speaker attribution if there are multiple speakers.

The following talk was given by Gil Fronsdal at Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City, CA on July 06, 2023. Please visit the website www.audiodharma.org for more information.

Guided Meditation: Relaxing Self-Preoccupation

So warm greetings from Insight Meditation Center here in Redwood City. Wonderful to have you as part of this.

As an introduction to this meditation, one of the great possibilities or opportunities in meditation is to lessen our self-preoccupation. Being preoccupied with ourselves, our concerns, our worries, our desires, our conceits—this has very much to do with our discursive thinking. A lot of that is fueled by discursive thinking, perpetuated by it, strengthened by it, and reminded of it.

I think not a few people will discover that if they track what their discursive thinking is about, often oneself is a key character or an important reference point for how the commentary, discussion, and fantasies are going. As the discursive mind becomes quieter and we become stiller or calmer, and perhaps some of the strength of our desires, our ambitions, our fears, anxieties, and our conceits become less and less, then something remarkable begins happening. The orientation that we come from is no longer so self-centered. It doesn't mean that we ignore ourselves, but it means that there's a kind of opening up, a receptivity, a sensitivity that others and their well-being, their suffering, becomes as important as our own.

There's no line, there's no hard and fast barrier towards giving a non-preferential care to whoever is in our environment, whoever is in our circle of concern, or in our view. As practice deepens, that circle of concern, the circle of how we care, can become even universal for all beings. This is partly because there are no restrictions, there are no limitations, there are no preferences put on the heart's capacity to care, the heart's capacity to be open and available. We are part of that kind of universal care, compassion, and love. It's remarkable to be able to drop so much of the self-concern we have and discover a very different orientation for how to live our lives. It can be life-changing; it certainly was for me.

So maybe it is not easy, but hearing that this is a possibility of meditation, maybe as we meditate today that can be a reference point. Maybe a reference point to when there's a self-concern, to pay attention to see the tension, the contraction, the limitation that's there, the blinders that are on. See what is being left out because of the narrowness of that focus, and that maybe there's some way that the narrowness can be relaxed and softened. The prioritization that we so often give to ourselves and our own experience—who I am, our judgments of ourselves, what we need—just to relax that.

Maybe with every exhale, to relax self-concern. With every exhale, to soften and open up beyond the limitations of self—me, myself, and mine. It could be in very small steps. It could be simply that the next exhale is a willingness for this new possibility, this new way. Maybe it's not easy to tap into it or touch it, but just being willing to do it is the beginning of a softening, an opening, a freeing that goes on. Let's see how this goes.

So assuming a meditation posture. Part of the goal of a meditation posture is a posture within which you can both be alert, but also relax and let go in your body in a deep way. It's this combination of a certain intentionality of having an alert posture, and a posture that provides enough support that the musculatures in our body can relax in a deeper way than usual.

To close the eyes and to take a few long, slow, deep breaths. Maybe on the exhale, letting go of any thoughts or reactions you might have to what I've said, or letting go of any concerns that you brought with you to the meditation. If they're not easy to let go of, to soften around them, to ease up.

Let your breathing be normal and relax the body. Maybe with every exhale, a different part of your body can soften and relax.

And as you continue breathing, what is your discursive mind up to? Is it already quiet? Or can you notice that there's some kind of self-concern, maybe an appropriate one, an innocent one, but still, it's concerned with oneself?

If you're worrying about someone else, is there some way that the worry is in fact self-referential? In that maybe we're concerned about our own distress, our responsibility, or something.

Then with every exhale, see if there can be a softening of self-concern, self-referencing. The mind's movement towards viewing things from the perspective of me, myself, and mine.

Even the idea of my body, my breathing, my meditation, my experience can be subtly shifted to the body's experience. The body's experience of breathing. The experience that's occurring now, without reference to self. Of course it's happening to you in a sense, but to overlay that with the idea of me, myself, and mine is extra. It is in some way a limitation on the open awareness, the open-heartedness, the openness of just sitting here, breathing calmly, relaxedly.

Letting go of self with every exhale.

With every exhale, equally letting go of self-concern, as you would letting go of other concerns through deeper meditation.

Any direction of concern towards others or towards oneself is not needed. It's a limitation to the settling, the opening, the quieting.

Letting go of any thoughts about anyone at all, self or other. Just here, available, open, receptive, present. Here for what is without limitation.

And as we come to the end of the sitting, there's a way of now opening our circle of care, concern, and compassion, so that we're available to care, available to have a compassionate or a loving response to whatever comes into view, whatever we think about, or meet, or see.

That translates to a universal care, universal compassion for all beings. Not because we're thinking about all beings or intending to have compassion for all beings, but because we care without limitation. There's an openness, a receptivity, a sensitivity that allows for compassion for whoever comes into view. Maybe even for whatever comes into view, including animals and the non-sentient world. Not because we're thinking this or wanting this; it's a byproduct of our care being fully open and available. Almost like a readiness, or as a way of not limiting. No restrictions, no limitations, no blinders for our care.

And then to make a universal dedication of merit^[1]. It's not so much the idea of all beings that is the heart of the dedication, but rather this way of being that's available and open to all.

May our hearts be fully open to have goodwill for whoever comes into view, whoever comes into our circle of awareness.

May our care be available to promote peacefulness and safety for all beings.

May our compassion be always ready and sensitive to care for the freedom—freedom from suffering, freedom from oppression—of anyone who comes into our view.

So that deep inside, it's almost as if these words give expression to this inner freedom: May all beings be happy. May all beings be safe. May all beings be peaceful. And may all beings be free.

Thank you.

Dharmette: Aspiration (4 of 5) Universal Aspiration

So this topic of this week, aspiration, is something very dear to me in my journey along Buddhist practice. It's related to the topic of intention, and the wise way of letting desires bubble up from within, from some deep, wise place within. To some degree, the aspirations, the deeper intentions with which we want to live our lives, are in some ways among the most important aspects of our lives.

Getting clarity about our intention, clarity about our aspiration—and using the word aspiration rather than intention suggests also that we're talking about something that can be grand, big, or central. Intention might be something very specific that could be broad in general, but aspiration has more of a wide, broad largeness to it. It's really essential; it's like the heart's aspiration, the heart's deepest wish. The reason to refer to it that way is that as we settle in meditation, as we relax and calm, we're calming the agitations that are always going to be there if there is conceit, if there is self-preoccupation, if we're being driven by desires for what I want, desires for what I don't want, or if we're caught up in fear. Not all fear, but a good part of fear is rooted in a certain kind of self-concern, self-preoccupation.

It could be that it's a preoccupation with my emotions, my feelings, my reactions. That might look like our preoccupation is with someone else. Someone else is suffering and we're really concerned about them, but what fuels it is our own distress. And if we're distressed, there is a way in which that has its roots in our self-concern, self-preoccupation, or some idea that we have to take my distress somehow seriously. It's a complicated ecology, this inner life of ours, and the degree to which, known and unknown, it's centered on self-concern and self-attachment is actually quite large.

So as this practice, maybe any spiritual practice, deepens, and we're calming, letting go, and relaxing the self-concern, relaxing the anxieties and fears, relaxing the desires we have, relaxing the hates—all activities that take energy, take stress, and take effort. In some way, even though it might seem like it's effortless, that there's no "me" behind it, actually as we settle and quiet we see the effort, the energy that goes into it, and that that effort can be softened, can relax. We can begin to slowly stop. It's not easy to do; it's a slow process. But the goal, the treasure that's found at the end of that process, is an experience of living a life, being alive, which is not self-concerned, not self-preoccupied. I like the word preoccupied, really stressing that there's something extra going on in the self-concern. There's an attachment, there's a tightening, there's a drivenness, a preoccupation.

And so then at some point what becomes here for us is attention, awareness, presence, heartfulness that doesn't have the limitations that come with self-preoccupation. As we're less self-preoccupied, a simultaneous movement or a parallel movement is to not be preoccupied with others. Some people feel like they're supposed to be preoccupied with others as an expression of their compassion, their care, their love. And of course they're supposed to be loving—well, yes, but not all the time. We're not required to do it 24 hours a day. It's okay, and you can feel the okayness in meditation as we deepen. It's okay to let go of all preoccupations, all the effort to think and be concerned with others and oneself.

So certainly, selfishness begins to dissolve, but also a parallel movement is to—making up an English word—"other-ishness," where we're caught up in creating others, our view of others, the interpretation of others. There's so much of this other-ishness that goes on, where we are projecting our idea of other people and what they need and what they want. I saw that raising my children, that I projected onto them, when they were small kids going to school, my own challenges that I had at school. So as they got to be a certain age and went onto the playground, some of the terrible things that happened to me on the playground, I got worried for them that they were going to have the same thing and I had to protect them and make them safe. It was a projection onto them. It was an other-ishness of making them into something that had more to do with my thoughts than it was about who they were. So this softening and relaxing of other-ishness and selfishness is one of the gifts of meditation.

It isn't that we're abandoning ourselves or abandoning others; it's the opposite. Now there becomes a kind of universal sensitivity, universal care that can be there, that's not restricted in any particular direction. So as we have compassion for others, and are looking into studying the aspiration, the desires we have for the alleviation of suffering, one possibility is that we check in and see: is our compassion impartial? Is it available to everyone? Is it unlimited? Is it not restricted? Are we not being selfish? Sometimes there's a lot of selfishness in compassion. Some people do it seemingly for themselves more than for the other, to overcome their own distress about people suffering. We try to fix them or help them. Sometimes with other-ishness, we're projecting an "other," and our care for others is still more caring for ourselves, because we're caring for that projection that we have of what's happening to the others and what their suffering might be like.

And so this deeper way, which is not actively concerned for self or others but 100% available to be responsive, that is a kind of universal compassion, a universal aspiration that is possible. It has the expression that we're caring for everyone concerned. What's best for everyone concerned is a part of this universal care, universal aspiration of compassion. It's important because if we're part of a group, a couple, a family, a neighborhood, a work team or something, things will go much better if we're not singling out one person or some subgroup of people who are the ones we have to care for the most, where we have to be selfless to ourselves or put aside other people's needs and situations, including our own, so we can care for others. Everyone's an equal player. Everyone's equally justified for our care.

I know of families where the parents sacrificed themselves in unhealthy ways for the purposes of their children, and the children grew up kind of skewed because they didn't understand that part of being in a group, in a family, is to compromise. It is to care for everyone, to include everyone as important players having a role, respecting everyone's needs, and finding a way to compromise or balance everyone's situation. If children learn that from an early age, then it's just second nature. But if the parents pour all their concern into their children without any concern for themselves, the children get a kind of skewed message. I use that as an example that applies to all kinds of situations.

So this idea that as we have a desire to alleviate suffering, to investigate, to look at the nature of that desire, the nature of the aspiration—can the aspiration be universal, where we're actually caring for everyone concerned? There might be a kind of priority given to someone who is suffering the most, but not at the expense of everyone else in the room, everyone else in that connected group. I think one of the brilliant things that we can do is to take the time not to rush to compassionate action, unless there's a real need for immediacy, but rather to take the time to look around and say, "What's best for everyone here? How do we care for everyone? How does everyone go forward here to relieve the suffering that everyone has in this situation?"

And what I'd like to believe is that when we stop and do that kind of wider care, wider inclusion of everyone in our circle of care, this is actually a powerful medicine for everyone involved. The people who are suffering the most can feel and sense that it's not just about their own suffering, but there are others here also, so that their circle of care opens up, so that they're not tripped up by excessive self-concern themselves for their own suffering. Which may be horrible, but there's a way in which it's maybe beneficial for them to include others in the picture if they can, and appreciate that others are being cared for too. The medicine of universal aspiration is not just the universal aspiration that's the medicine, but the inner freedom of non-preoccupation, non-attachment, non-prioritization, the absence of partiality, that I think can be inspiring and its own medicine for the suffering of the world.

So to summarize, what I'm suggesting is not that we try to have a universal aspiration for all beings as a policy, but rather the practice is to release ourselves from partiality, release ourselves from limiting our care and our love. The byproduct of that, I hope, will be a universal care, a universal availability for compassion, to be concerned with the welfare and well-being of everyone who's in that circle that we're involved in at this moment. Whether it's a circle of two people, a circle of four, fifteen, or a hundred thousand, whatever range seems appropriate for the circumstance.

Thank you, and may your circle of care be broad and wide in all directions. And then we'll continue tomorrow. Thank you.