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Guided Meditation: The 5th Reflection; Dharmette: I Will be Separated From All That Is Dear To Me

Introduction

Greetings, sangha^[1]. Warm greetings to you wherever you are in the world, joining us in this moment in time for us to practice together. Today we will join together to practice and delve into the fifth of the five contemplations, which has to do with: all that is mine, beloved, and pleasing, will change, will become otherwise, will become separated from me.

There is so much more that I will say, of course, during the dharmette^[2] afterwards, but one thing I wanted to bring in before we sit together about this reflection is that these reflections feel poignant at any time, but especially during this time. These reflections, especially this last one, are poignant as I am in the Bay Area in California in Mountain View, where I'm not very far away personally, and hundreds and thousands of people have had to evacuate due to the fires. People that I know. So this last reflection about all that I know and hold beloved and dear, it is both in terms of people and possessions. There are so many implications of this last one. When we die and pass, we can't take it with us. Of course, we can't take it with us. And yet, there is a poignancy to this right now in this moment, as there is smoke in the air again this morning, and the sky is orange with the haze. I am really holding in my heart all who have left their homes, not knowing if they'll come back to their home, their place of safety. All that is mine and dear, all the possessions, I'll be separated from them. It feels even more poignant in so many ways.

Similar to the previous days, we will begin our meditation together by settling in the body, settling in the breath, tilling the soil with stability of the mind. Then we will drop in the reflections, all five of them, one by one. Just to say, I'll say more about this at the end, but regarding the order of the fourth and the fifth—in the suttas^[3], the fifth one is the fourth one, and there are some reasons to do it one way or the other. I'll talk more about it, but I just wanted to bring this up so that if you see a different order in different places, at least it's been brought into the space. If you're interested, we can talk more about it in the community meeting.

By the way, there is a community meeting today. I'll make that announcement now, after our sit and dharmette. I already posted the link and the password in the chat, and it's also on the IMC calendar. If you'd like to join for that, it would be wonderful to have a conversation and discussion about these five reflections. I very much look forward to that.

Dharmette: I Will be Separated From All That Is Dear To Me

Thank you all for joining for these five reflections this week. I'd like to say a few words about the last reflection especially. There are different intentions set for the different reflections. For this last one specifically, the intention is to have a sense of non-attachment to things, to all that is pleasing and dear to me, to know that it will be separated, to encourage a non-attachment and letting go. A freedom, a generosity of the heart to be with, to appreciate, to enjoy, to love both people and things. Appreciate them, enjoy them, but do not have a sense of clinging or grasping. To know that it's a part of life. You know, the striker, I can cling to it: "Oh, I never want to be separated from this striker or this bell." But to know that yes, I'm a traveler in this world, it doesn't really belong to me in a way; I'm just using it for now. We will become separated.

A line from a song by Dido comes to mind, and I love this for my own reflection. The song by her is called Life for Rent, I think is the name of it, and the line is: "As my life is for rent, nothing I have is truly mine." The artistic elegance of the way she sings it and says it—it's a deep reflection. Nothing you have is truly yours. You're a traveler in this world. You're using everything. I'm wearing this shawl for a little while, and just coming through. Hello, goodbye. Of course, we'll become separated from all that we have and we hold dear and we love.

This is true not just for possessions, but also for people that we love. They're not ours to grab onto and hold. Of course, they have their own autonomy. That's the other thing, to grant everyone their own autonomy as we love them and as our lives connect with them, and to know that there might be a time, as the law of impermanence is, that there will be a separation.

Living and really opening up to these truths of impermanence, at first, it can bring grief. There are levels. As you're doing these reflections, there could be at first a sense of overwhelm or grief. So what I would suggest is you titrate^[5] your practice with, especially the last, but with all of them actually. The level of reflection you let in and the emotions that arise, you can then sit with them, breathe with them, digest them, and then at a later time when it's appropriate, drop in the reflection again and open up to more.

Be gentle with yourself. Please have a lot of metta^[6] and wisdom as you're doing these reflections. They're not supposed to be like a hammer that you hit yourself with. Be gentle. The more gentle you are, the more you can actually open up to and digest more and more. If you open up too much and try to take in too much, forcing yourself with "I need to make peace with all impermanence," you might start to feel conflictual about the practice. So, titrate. Open up little by little by little. Have steadiness. Hanging with these, steadiness. And as challenges arise, as emotions arise, as grief arises, know that that is a part of this practice. You're not doing it wrong. Different levels of grief can come up. Titrate, hold them in, and make peace with it, because this is the truth. This is the truth of how we are.

If we can live in this way, we can actually love more fully. We can live more fully, we can enjoy our lives more fully, and the people we care about more fully. There can be freedom in the heart without this fear, this constant angst. This is where the freedom comes. It's not about becoming aloof and not enjoying, not loving, and not appreciating. It's not about that at all. It's not about losing your loves and passions, but it's about not clinging, not having this tightness of the heart, but living in harmony with the truth of how things are.

I invite us to discuss all this during the community meeting later today.

There's one more thing I wanted to say regarding the order that I mentioned earlier. In the sutta where this teaching is mentioned—it's in various places, but one place where it's been mentioned—if you look, the order is actually: you have the first three (aging, sickness, and death), which, as I mentioned, correspond to the first three of the heavenly messengers^[7]. And then you will see that the fourth and the fifth—so the one that we did today, you'll see as number four, and then the one having to do with karma being number five.

In many ways that makes perhaps even more sense. Let me explain, actually. Doing the reflection with old age, sickness, and death, and then doing the reflection of "all that is pleasing and beloved will become separated from me." It seems like a step from death, because of course when I die, I cannot take it with me. That's another thing: I can't take it with me. So it seems like an easier mental step. And then with the last one, karma, that I'm impacted and I'm the heir to all my actions—which makes sense. So I invite you to practice that way too. And actually, I might do it that way myself.

Sometimes this is saved for last in order to kind of build up to it a little bit in the contemplations, because sometimes this is the one that impacts people much more than the other four. It seems much more impactful or profound: the idea of becoming separated from the people and things that we love. So that's the reason why sometimes it's taught at the end or saved for the end, but then again, these are all reflections. It's whatever works.

I also share with you this: As I was reflecting on this and wanted to share this with you about the order, I was reminded that similarly, say, the metta phrases. Many teachers, mostly in the West, teach with "May I be happy" first. "May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be safe." "May I be safe" is usually the third one, and then "May I have ease." But the more canonical order is "May I be safe"—that's the first one—and then "May I be happy and healthy." Having practiced it both ways, I loved the different order, but when I practiced it really deeply after a long time, I realized actually for me, having safety first, the canonical order really made more sense because you need to have safety before you feel happy and healthy and safe. So with this one, I'll just share with you, maybe the next time I teach, I'll try doing it as number four, the canonical order, to see how that lands for people. But basically, all these teachings are skillful means. Whatever works for you. For individuals, different orders might work better, but I just wanted to bring that in in terms of the canonical order.

One last thing I want to say before stopping is that the idea of the first one, "I have not gone beyond aging," is to overcome the conceit of youth, of energy, vitality. The second one, with sickness, is also to overcome the conceit of good health, feeling invincible. And the third one, of course, being alive, the conceit of "I'll never die," invincibility. The fourth one is supposed to weaken or overcome irresponsibility, to really feel the sense of empowerment and our responsibility for our acts, speech, thoughts, and physical acts in the world. And this last one, as I mentioned, is to weaken and overcome attachment, lust for materiality, and to give our hearts a sense of generosity, to not attach.

So there's more to discuss and I really look forward to our community meeting to have a lively discussion about how these have impacted you, and really sharing the community wisdom.

I just wanted to say it's been a great honor and pleasure for me to join you this past week and support the sangha and share these teachings that are very close to my heart. I really hope that they have been of service. That is my primary hope and wish, that these teachings have been of service to you and all beings whose lives you touch. Thank you so much for your kind attention and your presence and participation in your heart this past week.

And yes, till later. Maybe come visit us at the evening time. Happy hour is every day during the pandemic, so we would love to see you during happy hour at 6:00 p.m. California time on Zoom and on YouTube, but primarily Zoom, where we cultivate metta and compassion and gratitude and all the heart qualities. So maybe we'll see some of you at 6:00 p.m. California time on Zoom. Okay, take good care, be well. We'll take a one-minute bio break and then I'll open the community meeting. Alright, take good care.