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Happy Hour: Appreciating Our Own Goodness

Introduction

So, hello and a warm welcome to all of you, from wherever in the world you are joining us, whether on Zoom, YouTube, or listening to this afterwards on Audiodharma. It's lovely to be together in this moment, even if separated in space and time, and to practice together.

For today's practice, the inspiration comes from a question asked at the end of last Friday's session when we did a practice of appreciation. Phil wrote in the chat that they had discussed the difference between appreciation and gratitude in their small group. I said that was a bigger topic for next time. Being a woman of my word, this is next time!

This practice is an invitation to explore appreciation, and how appreciation can lead to gratitude. It may lead to gratitude, or it may not; it might just stay as appreciation. Appreciation is the womb of gratitude, but is not equivalent to it.

Another aspect we will be exploring together is appreciation for ourselves. Even as I say that, maybe some of the self-judgmental voices come up and say, "What? Nothing good here!" We often reserve our most challenging judgments for ourselves. If we treated others the way we treat ourselves, we would stop ourselves, but we often don't see our own goodness. We are all a mixed bag. Let's just take that for granted. We are all human beings, growing and learning through our causes and conditions. We also have beauty, grace, goodness, and a lot of loveliness within us to appreciate. It's not just our inner goodness, but the many wholesome actions we have done for ourselves, for other people, and the ways we serve the world.

Allowing this sense of appreciation can give birth to goodwill for ourselves as a way to practice mettā^[1]. It could also lead to gratitude. Appreciation can be the womb of goodwill, friendliness, warmth, kindness, and holding ourselves dear.

Those are some orientations for this practice. Let's try it on for size and see what opens up. One last thing I want to say before we start: especially if you're newer to this practice, there could be an invitation toward something, and then the exact opposite might come up in the mind. It's okay. These practices of the heart can be purification practices. Whatever comes up, as long as you're kind towards yourself and hold whatever arises with kindness, you're doing this practice right. It's exactly as it needs to be. Be gentle with yourself. That's the main invitation. If you fall asleep or check out, it's okay. Just remember to be kind and gentle with yourself as a way to cultivate mettā and goodwill.

Reflections and Q&A

Thank you all for your practice. If you would like to share any reflections about your practice—what came up, what you observed, questions, comments, beauty, or challenges—your wisdom and insights are all welcome.

Violet says in the chat, "I appreciated your note that our good deeds don't need to have 100% pure intentions. I usually discount my good deeds because they don't feel entirely pure."

Thank you, Violet. A simple example is when you're generous with a friend who calls, and you listen to them. Then a critical voice comes in: "Maybe you were there for them so that they would be there for you next time." It's true there is reciprocity sometimes, but it doesn't have to be 100% pure! As long as it is mostly kind and you're there for your friend, full stop. End of story. We don't have to become critical of the good deeds.

Is there such a thing as 100% pure good deeds? Is that the goal? There is the practice of being honest with ourselves and seeing our intentions. Sometimes that can be very sobering, seeing that when we felt we acted out of kindness, there was actually something else there. It's important to be aware of what our intentions are, but we want to do that practice with a lot of generosity towards ourselves. If we want our intentions to be 100% pure, it gets clingy and becomes painful in no time. The goal is to have generous awareness of what our intentions are and just leave it at that.

N says, "The self-appreciation practice allowed me to let go and relax." Beautiful. I'm happy to hear that was a way in for you.

Peggy says, "I realize most of my skills have diminished with age, or are hard to utilize with COVID^[2], and I notice some or much of my self-esteem is affected by that."

I appreciate that reflection, Peggy. Whether or not those skills can be utilized right now, you have utilized them in the past. They are part of you, and you have served the world. Turn your mind to that aspect. There are so many places our minds can go with this practice. Why choose the dungeons in our heart to hang out in? Choose the palace! Turn toward, "Yes, these are the skills I used to have, they are copious, and I served the world."

Ariana says, "I thought about a good quality I have, and then almost immediately thought of all the reasons and examples of how I don't have the quality."

When the opposite comes to mind, just be gentle with yourself. The judgmental mind will come up. As long as you're kind with yourself and you're noticing it, it's all good.

Bill chimes in, "Perfectionism is a good way to be miserable." Absolutely.

Ariana continues, "So then I thought of a different quality, one that was very difficult to dispute."

Yay! I really appreciate the creativity. In these cultivation practices, we use our creativity to turn towards the good. You know yourself better than anybody else.

For tonight's small group practice, I think it would be lovely to hold each other with muditā^[3], vicarious joy. Share one gift you have, a quality, or one way you've supported someone in the past. Let your goodness shine, and let your groupmates hold the beauty that is in you with muditā. Celebrate them when they share theirs. This can be a happy-making practice.

[Small group breakout sessions occur]

Welcome back, everyone. We have a couple of minutes for any reflections on how that practice was for you in the groups.

Bill shares, "Just based on my small group discussion, there seems to be a lot of self-flagellation. It's really common. I don't know if it's our culture here in the US or human nature in general, but the more mettā and self-love exercises we have, the better. I don't think you can ever have too few."

Yes, it's our culture, and it's human nature too. We can never have too much self-mettā.

Neil shares, "Two of the three in my group, myself included, talked about how difficult this was generally. There was the question about the difference between being grateful and appreciative. It's so much easier to be grateful for things that happen to you rather than being appreciative of yourself. For the first half, I thought, 'Gee, Nikki is just doing a terrible job.' And then suddenly it occurred to me, 'Oh, that's not where the difficulty is.' It was a struggle."

I appreciate you sharing that, Neil. It can be very tough appreciating ourselves and seeing our own goodness. Given that it was challenging, it is good to stay with it and work with it from different directions. We'll do a different version of it next time.

Susan says, "What really helped me realize there are a lot of things I can appreciate about myself is that I don't have to do anything 100%. Just look at the positive of each thing you are able to do instead of focusing on the things you can't do. It made me realize there are so many things I can celebrate."

Exactly. We're all works in progress. As Suzuki Roshi^[4] said, "You are perfect as you are, and you could use a little improvement."

Ga adds, "We were discussing how it's sometimes hard to know what being kind to oneself and to others is, because you have to apply some wisdom as well. Being kind doesn't always mean going the easy way or being nice. Sometimes it means doing tough things. To find that fine line is hard because it unequivocally depends on your own judgment."

Thank you for that. Yes, the difference between true compassion and what the Tibetans call 'idiot compassion'^[5]—which is enabling and doesn't have any wisdom in it—is important. Bringing in a sense of wisdom and discernment is essential.

Dear ones, I appreciate all of you for showing up today. Thank you for your practice, your reflections, and your wholeheartedness. May our practice support ourselves and be of service to all beings everywhere.