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Happy Hour: Taking a Third Person Perspective of Kindness & Wisdom Towards Ourselves

Introduction

Hello everyone! Hi, welcome to Happy Hour. If you can hear me, give me a thumbs up. Audio's okay? Fantastic, great.

Let's begin by warming the space with mettā^[1]. I say hello, welcome. I'm Nikki in Mountain View, California, and seated on Ohlone land. Who wants to help warm up the space with their hellos?

"Hi, I'm Stephanie. I'm in Los Angeles." "Hi, Stephanie." "Hi, I'm Susan in San Mateo." "Hi, Susan. Emily in New Hampshire. Hi, Neil. Bill in Dallas. Hi, Bill. Wayne in Richmond. Hi, Wayne. Nadine in Richmond—maybe the same Richmond? Hi, Nadine. Gary in Toronto. Hi, Gary. Not a different Toronto—there's only one Toronto that I know of, but multiple Richmonds!"

Great, okay. Any other last-minute hellos?

I think we're formally beginning. Thanks, Neil, for posting information about the Happy Hour Google Groups as well as the survey, which we are closing today. I'd like to ask you at this point, as we're transitioning to our meditation, to mute yourself if you're unmuted. I'm going to change my name here. I changed the settings so that accidental muting won't be possible. I changed the chat settings so messages will only come to the host, who is me, and yet I'll ask you to keep that channel quiet until the end. Last but not least, we're going to turn on recording for the sake of Audio Dharma. Here we go, great.

So hello and welcome everyone to this rendition of Happy Hour. Happy making to be with you, to see you, and looking forward to practicing together. I'd like to just transition into the guided meditation together, and whatever you need to know I'll share during the guidance. I might say a couple of words afterwards, just trying slightly different forms instead of giving the Dharma talk at the beginning.

Guided Meditation

Let's practice. Inviting you to get into your meditation posture, whatever that might be: sitting, standing, lying down.

Giving some attention to the body. Maybe the body needs to be just a little stretched. Ah, maybe the shoulders need to be rolled a little bit, as mine do, or your weight needs to be shifted back and forth, side to side, to find your center of gravity. To really come into your body. Maybe your ankles need to be rolled a little bit to bring some life, some attention, some awareness into the legs. Your feet, your hands maybe need to be rolled a little bit. This movement can help with a bit of embodiment, just bringing attention to the body. Maybe opening the jaw, arriving in the body, actually moving the body a little bit, waking it up. Here, here.

Landing in your sit bones, the connection points: your bottom on the chair, your feet with the floor, your hands in your lap. Connecting with this body, seated. All the sensations, so many sensations, bringing them to the foreground.

And connecting with the sensations of the breath in the belly. Each breath, grounding. Just this breath, as if it were our last. Right here, right now, as if it were the first and last. Just this breath, the sensations of this breath here. Letting go of everything else. It is so sweet and nourishing just to be here with the nourishment of this breath.

Many thoughts arise. Not a problem to think, and yet right now we choose to give our hearts to this practice. So in a friendly way, we smile at the thoughts, the plans, the occupations, preoccupations. Thank you. Giving my whole heart to this right now in this moment. Please come back later. If you're important enough, you'll come back. I'm going to give this priority, give my heart priority to just be. Nourishing presence with each breath. Let go, let go. Here, here.

Relaxing the mind, releasing, releasing. And now taking stock of what's happening, what's arising in the body. Areas where there's ease, areas where there's tightness, pain. Maybe there's fatigue or agitation, tightness. And in the body and in the mind, how's your heart? Your mind, your heart-mind. And notice there's not one thing. There are multiple things always, or could be, say, agitation, sadness, boredom, gladness, gratitude, peace—all of them together. Everything present. And whatever you give your attention to, that becomes a measure, that becomes more predominant in that moment, which is okay. Just notice there are a lot of things. A mix of nourishing and challenging states of mind, body, and heart.

Now, as if you were sitting on the lap of the Buddha or Kuan Yin^[2]—paragons of compassion—or some other archetype, maybe a being of light that represents complete acceptance for you. They see you, they know you through and through, all the causes and conditions of your life. And in fact, they invite you to take their perspective with them. So you're taking their perspective. Looking at yourself, looking at your life, looking at your body, sensing your body, your thoughts, your mind state, heart state. From their perspective, you're joining them, taking a third-person perspective of compassion and kindness, wisdom and kindness towards yourself.

So, say, if there's crankiness in the body and the heart-mind, you appreciate that from the perspective of complete acceptance, wisdom, and compassion. So many causes and conditions in your life. If anyone else was in your shoes with the same background, genetics, life experiences, everything that has happened, this would be what would be arising. So cut yourself some slack and see the goodness in you. Through the eyes of the Buddha or Kuan Yin, your being is all right.

If the voice of judgment comes up, see that too as part of the causes and conditions, a habit pattern. Not personal. It's like a recording that's been recorded a long time ago in your history and is just playing out. See the goodness in this being who is you, who is doing their best. And in the words of Suzuki Roshi^[3], you're perfect as you are, and you could use a little bit of improvement. And you hold both through this perspective of kindness.

From this perspective of the third person, through the eyes of the Buddha, from their perspective, wish yourself well. May you be safe, dear one. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you have ease. If the Buddha was generously wishing you well with abundant generosity of heart: May you be safe. Seeing yourself in the third person, maybe kneeling by the lap of the Buddha: May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you have ease.

Seeing yourself in the third person with kindness, with goodwill, wishing yourself well. May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you have ease. May you be free from suffering. May you have peace and goodness and joy. Whatever wishes for you are appropriate in this moment, signifying your goodwill to this being who is you.

How can I be a good friend to you? Asking yourself from this perspective: How can I be a good friend to you? Not to exacerbate what's difficult. To support you, be kind. How can I love you more fully?

As we turn to bring this meditation to a close, let's consider all those we know, those near and dear, those we have challenges with, and people we've hurt. Also through the eyes of the Buddha, a being of light, with benevolence, they're all doing their best, given the causes and conditions that each and every one of us has. How can you be a good friend? Can you see them? Be a good friend. As best as you're able to, with benevolence, wisdom, and kindness, wishing all beings well, beings everywhere. May they be well, be safe, happy. May they be healthy. May they have ease. May all beings everywhere, including myself, be free.

Thank you for your practice, everyone.

Small Groups

Okay, so that third-person perspective that we worked with tonight can be very powerful when we see it. When we try to play with this perspective and see ourselves with benevolence, with kindness, through the eyes of the Buddha, Kuan Yin, or some being that represents kindness and compassion, and seeing ourselves from that perspective, it can open something up. It can open the sense of, Oh, what does this person, who is me, need? Am I making it worse with my judgments? How can I be a kind friend to myself? So it can open up a new perspective that's often inaccessible when we are in our own mind and judgments are coming up, or our regular habit patterns may not be accessible.

With that, I'd like to invite us to turn to practice in small groups now. The invitation tonight with the small breakout groups is: How have you tried the third-person perspective in this way? What about it works? What about it might be challenging? What can support you? What about taking the perspective of the Buddha, Kuan Yin, etc.? Just playing around with perspectives, sharing your aha moments or challenges. Or maybe you fell asleep, which is perfectly fine. Or maybe the whole time you were distracted, which is perfectly fine. Just checking in, just a brief check-in with each other in order to support.

The invitation is just to speak from your own experience. Just a short nugget, there's no right or wrong, and then the next person will go in alphabetical order. We share a nugget, and then the next person. There is no asking questions or directing; we just show up. Also, when your turn comes, you can just say 'pass'. It is perfectly fine to pass. It's such a rare and beautiful opportunity to be able to share, to practice with others, it's remarkable. I'm creating the breakout groups, asking you to be kind to yourself, be kind to each other. I'm about to open them. Here we go.

Reflections and Q&A

The rooms will close in five seconds, we'll wait for everyone to get back. Okay, everybody's back. So we have time for maybe just a couple of reflections, and you're welcome to type them in the chat if you like. If you type them to me alone, it'll be private. If you type it to everyone, it'll be public. You can also raise your hand. Any reflections, any aha moments, any challenges?

Marianne shared: "Thank you, Nikki. I just wanted to say that the third-person perspective is very helpful for me both in giving myself mettā and in concentration. Because it seemed like I had more freedom to just let myself concentrate and stop thinking because somebody else really important, the Buddha, was saying it's okay."

Yeah, thank you. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing that. Lovely, both in giving kindness and in concentration. Just the sense of ease, letting go. Yes, invoking the external and yet the eternal Buddha, the inner Buddha. Beautiful, thanks for that, Marianne.

Jerry says: "I was kinder to myself and then more kind to others, as I am very good at self-criticism."

Yeah, thanks Jerry. This third-person perspective can really be helpful with criticism, especially for everyone.

Misha says: "Helpful to sense Kuan Yin's warmth, loving but not caught by my personality. The relief to be beyond my personality."

Yay, and then what a relief, right? To have the wisdom and kindness and not be caught. Beautiful. I'm loving the practice reports. One of you also sent me an email earlier today, because this is a similar theme that we worked with on Wednesday, and one of you emailed and said, "Yes, this is working for me, things are easier with the third-person perspective." So beautiful, delightful, lovely. Any other reflections before we close? This feels complete to me.

One of you asks on behalf of someone else—I'm not quite sure about the context of the question.

Serena clarified: "There was a new person who has never been to a Happy Hour ever, and she was very confused and she wanted to know what it meant to have the perspective of the third person."

Oh, okay, got it. Thanks for that, Serena. I did explain it in the guided meditation. I wonder if this person joined later in the middle of the guided meditation. But the idea of the third-person perspective, the way I guided it tonight, was first we sit in the body and then we have a sense of the Buddha or Kuan Yin externally that is just giving us love, kindness, and acceptance. Then we take their perspective; we join them looking at our own lives. We take the third-person perspective together with Kuan Yin or the Buddha onto our lives. So we're still us, we know our own history, our own life, but from this perspective of complete kindness and generosity. That's what that means.

Another person says: "Hi Nikki, one of our members felt more grounded from the practice after dealing with the difficult news from the police officers in Tennessee."

Yeah, difficult, difficult news. Difficult times, and they continue in our country, in our world. I'm glad to hear that this practice could offer some support and some grounding.

Yes, the recording is available, and I'll post it tonight. And just to let you know, since I'm experimenting tonight with a different length of Happy Hour—not the whole hour, but to see if it's actually a little shorter. If the guided meditation is 30 minutes, we'd keep that, but the Dharma talk is shorter, and the reflections are briefer, so that maybe instead of a full hour, it'll be 50 minutes or something. How does that feel overall? And it's 50 minutes now, so let's give that a try.

Let's close our Happy Hour tonight, and as always I thank you for your practice, for your cultivation, showing up as best as you're able to. May all beings be well, may all beings be free, including ourselves.

Thanks everyone. Be well, take good care of yourselves from a third-person perspective with lots of mettā and love. Take care.