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Happy Hour: Metta and Renunciation of Expectations

Welcome to Happy Hour. I am delighted to see you and have you with us this evening.

The theme for tonight's guided meditation exploration is to continue exploring a topic we've been looking at if you've been dropping in. In Buddhism, there's a teaching of mettā^[1]—loving-kindness, cultivating goodwill, friendliness, and warmth towards oneself and others. We've been exploring mettā over the past few weeks, specifically the aspects of mettā reflected in another teaching called the Ten Pāramīs^[2]—the ten perfections or ten beautiful qualities.

Mettā is one of the ten, and we've explored some others. We explored patience, and the aspects of mettā that are reflected in patience as a strength. We also explored virtue, or sīla^[3], as non-harming, and how non-harming is the basis for mettā. Before that, we spent a couple of sessions exploring generosity, or dāna^[4], as mettā, care, and love—and love as an aspect of generosity.

Tonight, we're going to continue our exploration. For those who have come before, you know it's not heady; we explore it in our hearts and our experience to see these different aspects that we all know, but relating in a new way to this care and goodwill cultivation. If you're new, fantastic! Welcome. You'll explore and figure it out for yourself—no experience necessary.

Another one of these ten beautiful qualities that I'd like us to explore tonight is renunciation, or nekkhamma^[5] in Pali. For us laypeople, the aspect of renunciation is sometimes shrouded in a sense of heaviness. "Oh, renunciation. I have to give up, I have to let go, I have to shave my head, give up my closet, and I have to renounce." It feels heavy.

However, what I'll invite us to explore tonight is renunciation as non-clinging. What happens if we don't cling? What happens if we let go, if we hold something with an open hand, without clinging? Instead of a fist, we have an open hand. The aspect I'll be inviting us to explore is how it pertains to mettā, kindness, and cultivating goodwill, rather than general renunciation.

One way to explore it tonight, as I'll invite you to through the guided meditation, is the cultivation of unconditional goodwill for ourselves and others. The key is to do it without expectation and without attachment. To notice if there's an agenda when we think, "I will care for you, I love you, I wish you well... so that you will like me, so that you will do X, Y, and Z for me." If we're cultivating with an attachment, we can let go of that. Renouncing the expectation of outcome and attachment, and just doing it out of the cultivation of our own goodness. Letting go of that aspect of expectation is one way to explore this relationship to renunciation.

Another aspect that I wanted to bring up, which I think is actually beautiful, is related to the Latin root for the word "sacrifice." It is related to renunciation—not quite the same, but the Latin root for the word sacrifice means "to make sacred." I invite you to relate this idea of renunciation as "to make sacred." How can we make this offering of mettā, love, care, and friendliness to ourselves and others sacred? Explore the sacred dimension of it. It is offered for no reason, no expectation, and no wanting, other than offering beauty and sacredness. That's another way I would invite us tonight to relate to this aspect of renunciation—giving up expectations to make this aspect of offering goodwill, mettā, friendliness, and love sacred.

That's the invitation for tonight. Let's check it out and see what it feels like in this body and mind, in this moment. Whatever instructions or invitations I give during the guided meditation, if something totally opposite comes up for you, that's perfectly fine. No worries. During this Happy Hour, as long as you remember to hold whatever comes up with kindness and care—if anger arises, if sleepiness arises, if monkey mind arises—as long as you hold it with care and a sense of mettā, gentleness, and friendliness, then this has been the perfect practice hour for you. You don't have to follow the instructions exactly as they're given. Whatever arises for you, just hold it with care for yourself.

Reflections and Q&A

Welcome back, everyone. If you wish, I would love to hear any reflections that might be coming up for you as we explored this interplay of mettā, loving-kindness, and goodwill. First with a dear one, then with ourselves, and then radiating out into the world. The interplay of mettā and goodwill with renunciation—without expecting anything in return. Not offering friendliness and goodwill in order to get anything back. How freeing and joyful that might actually feel, and how this could feel as a participation in the sacredness. As I said at the beginning, the Latin root of the word sacrifice is the sacred. So sacrificing and giving up the expectation is entering into the sacred dimension of care and of offering mettā.

I'll share one reflection that came up for me as I was inviting all of us to explore. Giving up the expectation—how joyful, free, light, and bubbly the mettā could feel. I was feeling it myself, really tuning into that frequency of letting go of expectations, and it felt quite joyous. So, you're invited to share any reflections that may come up for you.

Yazna: Hi, Nikki. There's something that's been happening within the past month. You talk about fierce compassion, and you talk about being caring without any expectations. What my recent past has shown is that I don't see how I can reconcile that, because my values and my needs haven't been met. So where does fierce compassion come in, and where can I say it's really not attached at all? Because it was really violating. Can you say a little bit about that?

Nikki Mirghafori: Yes, I appreciate you raising what seems to be a quandary. Let me give it some more words as I understand it. With the sense of fierce compassion, and the idea of fierce mettā, you take care of yourself. It's not that you are a wet noodle and say, "Oh yeah, walk all over me, it's all okay." The fierceness aspect is that you love yourself just as much as you love all other beings. There is not a sense of passivity or a renouncing of your own care or protection.

The reconciliation that I invite you to sit with is giving up the expectation for the outcome—that you're wishing someone well in order that they do something, or just so you have a sense of goodness. Actually, there is no contradiction in my heart and in my mind as I see it, because you can wish someone well without expecting them to ever care for you back, and yet there's a sense of strength because you're offering yourself the same care and love. The lack of expectation of an outcome is not incongruent with a sense of caring for and protecting yourself. When I say not expecting an outcome, that non-expectation is part of the fabric of the mettā that you're wishing, not a lack of caring for or protecting yourself. Does that make sense?

Yazna: Yes. As you're saying it, there's clarity in me, but I realize the words might get muffled. I kind of sensed that piece about taking care of myself. I wasn't taking care of myself, and I was giving too much, basically. I guess there was still an expectation that the "not caring" from the other side would change.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, with pure mettā and with this practice, you are as important as anyone else. In fact, as the Buddha said, you could search the whole world and you won't find anyone more worthy of your own care and your own mettā.^[7] And as we radiate the mettā out to the world, it touches this being first. You care for yourself—not with a sense of self-aggrandizement, but you need to care for this being. So I think that as long as that is clear, caring for others has no conflict.

As I hear you, Yazna, the aspect of really caring for yourself is something to perhaps bring into your practice more. Yes, this being is important. If the expectation isn't returned, I need to care for this being. This person's needs are not met, so I need to do what needs to happen to care for myself. I hope that provides some framework.

Yazna: I think you helped a lot. I'm not 100 percent clear, but I think I'm sort of 80 percent clearer.

Nikki Mirghafori: I think 80 percent is fantastic, so I'm going to invite you to sit with it, because it's not so much heady; it's really experiential. Sit with it experientially and see what arises. Thanks for bringing that up.

Great having some reflections. Nancy offers, "Sublime." Thank you, Nancy, lovely to hear that. Neil offers, "Oh yes, thank you for the question, Yazna. I found the conversation informative." Great, I always find the same about all these questions that come up. Nav offers, "Enjoying the act, the process of giving more by letting go of the outcome. Letting the expectations of ourselves drip away." Oh, yes. I love that aspect that you're also exploring—letting go of the expectations of ourselves, because there is not just expectation in the outcome, but also of ourselves in the process. Lovely. Thank you for these reflections.

Before time completely slips away, let us explore this renunciation of expectations in small group interactions. Holding each other and holding yourself with mettā, without any expectations of what might come out of your mouth or what might happen, but just holding the space with a sense of care. The prompt, as always, is: How is the practice for you? There's no right or wrong. You can say, "I fell asleep," "I didn't follow it," or "My mind was all over the place." It doesn't matter so much what you say, but how you hold yourself while you share in this small intimate group, and how you hold others with care. See what mettā feels like in action, in community, and in interaction. If you decide tonight is not the right time for you, that's perfectly fine, you can bow out. No expectations. I'm going to create the breakout rooms now.

[Breakout rooms commence]

Welcome back, everyone. I would love to hear some reflections. How has your practice been this evening?

Casey: Thanks, Nikki. I really enjoyed this meditation. I shared with the group that the person I picked for mettā was a bit more straightforward—it was a student that I worked with when I was a physical education teacher intern. It was really easy not to have any attachments or expectations. I'm kind of curious to explore practicing with someone where I have a more complicated relationship, like a really close friend, family, or significant other. I think that would probably be harder for me, and I was just thinking that might be an interesting thing to work on.

Nikki Mirghafori: I'm so glad you raised that, Casey. With people whom we don't know very well, we just have warmth for them. "May you be well." It's easier sometimes. But sometimes, with people who are closer to us, we offer love to them because we want them to love us back, call us up, or you know, there's this unseen expectation. There is nothing wrong with it—we have all these complicated human relationships—but this practice makes us see them more clearly. So I appreciate you raising that. Check it out and see how it goes.

I also wanted to say I really liked what Nav wrote in the chat box. It was really poetic and beautiful. Thank you, Nav, for offering your poetic reflections to the community.

It's 7:00, so even though I would love to hear more reflections from all of you, I know a whole hour has gone by so quickly. Thank you all for joining and practicing, both for yourself and for the benefit of all beings whose lives you touch. May all beings everywhere be free. May all beings be happy, including ourselves. Take care. See you on Wednesday!