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Happy Hour: Gratitude for the Present from the Past-Self Perspective

Introduction

All right, so hello and welcome everyone to this rendition of Happy Hour, where we come together, practice, and cultivate our hearts and our minds.

For the theme for today, so many themes, it was hard to choose one. But the one that I'd like to invite us to practice with is something actually that I've been sitting with and practicing with since our last time together. I didn't teach on Friday, Hillary substituted, but on Wednesday I shared forgiveness practices, and I wanted to do more forgiveness, which might still be coming up in part of the series.

And then that evening, Violet shared something, a quote that she had read, which was a sense of gratitude, looking at things that are available in your life that you would have loved to have in the past, and now you have them. They're part of your life. And the way that Violet was breaking it down, which was beautiful—so giving her credit—was, I think with the forgiveness practice we did, a forgiveness for self, it can be challenging. And yet what she was sharing was that she found she was much easier on herself, there was much less self-judgment than there would have been a year ago. Now, after a whole year of doing loving-kindness (mettā^[1]) with Happy Hour, these practices, she realized, "Wow, there is so much more kindness, so much more care, so much more ease for myself."

And this quote, looking back, something that you wish you had, or rather from the perspective of your past self, looking and saying, "Oh, I would love to have this sometime in the future," and you realize, "Oh, actually, I have it." And there's a sense of gratitude for what arises. So not just for cultivating mettā, but for so many other ways.

This is a great tool, a great way of shifting perspectives. Shifting perspectives, because we tend to zero in on what isn't going well, what we don't have. We look at our lives from a perspective of what we want to have in the future, the person I want to be, and how this is lacking, this is not good enough. Whereas one perspective here is looking at ourselves from the past perspective: "Oh, I would have loved to have this, for example, this cultivation of the heart. I would have loved to have more of this, more of that, more of whatever it is," and realize, "Oh, that's actually here in my life."

Or a gift of COVID: "Oh, I wish I had more time to myself. I wish I had more time to myself." Guess what? We've all had a lot more time to ourselves. Or maybe not so much if you're a caretaker. But that would be one invitation that I'd like to work with tonight.

Other invitations are with gratitude practice, when we think of the things that we take for granted. Today on the radio and NPR, I heard this report of the very first experimental operation using gene editing in the body. So they're taking genes out—it's actually in the body. And the first couple of people who have volunteered are legally blind; they have very, very limited vision. So they're able to actually do the operation editing their genes in their eyes.

For those who have vision, we take our vision for granted. And yet, hearing the people who had volunteered with joy, with hope, who had very, very limited vision—tunnel vision, essentially no peripheral vision as they were describing it—just made me realize today, and I've been sitting in the space of gratitude in so many ways. From the perspective of the past and the perspective of all the things we take for granted.

There is so much to gladden the heart with, to find support. So I think I have said plenty. Let's engage in this practice and see what comes up for us. I'd like to invite you to settle into your meditation posture.

Guided Meditation

Landing. Spend a few minutes just arriving. Just arriving.

Letting go of all the words, of all the activities, all the busyness. Inviting the gaze of awareness to turn inwards. With the breath in the body and the lower abdomen, each breath received, calming and settling like a lullaby. One breath at a time.

Inviting each muscle of the body, starting from your toes, your legs, lower legs, knees, your sit bones, to relax. To give their weight to the earth, to settle. Your abdomen, chest. The next out-breath for the neck and shoulders, arms, and the hands to let go of their weight. For the muscles of the face, the forehead, eyes in their sockets to rest. Chin to cheek, the cheeks, the muscles behind the ears.

Taking a refuge in this moment with the breath. Here. Just here.

And if thought arises, simply noticing what has arisen, and with the next exhale, let it go. "Thank you, but not now. I'm giving myself to this practice. Please come back later." And come back to the breath, to the body. This is enough, this is plenty.

The simplicity of this moment. When one engages with the simplicity, fully alive and present, it is enlivening, delicious. See for yourself.

Relaxing, softening, letting go of any tension in the body with each out-breath. Here. Now.

Continuing to feel sensations of the body, sensations of the breath in the body. So the next few invitations, please stay connected to your body. Feel your body, your feet, your hands, your sit bones connected to the cushion, your abdomen. Inhaling, exhaling.

While embodied, let us spring, invite, connect with the version of our younger selves, maybe when we were a kid. Imagining, "When I grow up, I would love to..." Maybe it's a skill you wished you had, or a training, or a line of work, or a degree, or a sense in yourself, maybe more confidence. Maybe a knowledge. Something connecting with that young version of yourself.

In fact, as you are embodied, inhabiting that desire of the younger version of yourself. As if you were looking forward into the future as a kid: "When I grow up, I would love it if..." a quality that you have right now, that you wished for, that you hoped for. Connect with that hope, that wish, the eros for this gift.

Now, after you've connected with that wish from the younger version of yourself, that perspective, now traveling in time again to this present moment when that has been accomplished, it has been attained. See if it can be appreciated now more fully, more wholeheartedly, with gratitude. Yes, what perhaps you take for granted is already here. Seeing it, appreciated from the perspective of your past self. Take some time relishing.

And be mindful so that your thoughts, your mind doesn't go on the wild goose chase of things that you still want or you've lost. Intend—part of this practice is setting intention. Intend to bring back your mind, your thoughts to this practice, not lamenting, not self-judging. Choose not to do that. You have a lot more choice in this practice than you realize. So exercise your choice. Stay, stay with the invitation for gratitude for what is here, not what is lacking.

Being fiercely compassionate with your own mind, not allowing it to go astray, out of love and care for this training for yourself.

Now let us travel back in time again. You can go back to any time in the past. It could be childhood, could be any other time, where your past self had this wish, "Oh, if I could only have this gift, this ability, this cultivation." Or perhaps, "If I was free of this challenge." Only a time that there was this wish which now has been satisfied. So going back and connecting to that wish. "If I only had this," or, "If only I didn't have this challenge."

Deeply connecting with that aspiration, with the aspiration for the gift. And now traveling again forward in time to your present self, where this gift, this goodness, has been attained. You are living your past dream. Let yourself relish.

In your own time, let yourself travel back in time. See a younger version of yourself with an aspiration, a wish for something in the future. Connect, connect with that aspiration.

After you've connected with it, come back to the present where that gift has been attained. It's been accomplished. Let yourself relish this gift in your life.

Let yourself relish. Take time with relishing what is present in your life, what goodness there is. Especially appreciated through the telescope of time, from the vantage point of the past. Relishing, relishing, appreciating the goodness. This present self, these present life circumstances. It could even be last week, or a month ago, there was a wish for something, an aspiration.

There is so much goodness in each of our lives, if we simply look.

May all beings everywhere know the goodness in their lives, know the goodness of their hearts. May all beings everywhere be free.

Reflections and Q&A

Thanks everyone. Thank you for your practice.

So much can arise with this particular way of practicing. Not just gratitude and fullness of the heart, just noticing all this goodness, but we wake up to so many ways in which these gifts, accomplishments, and goodnesses in our lives are here. The cultivation that perhaps we wished at some point to appreciate more. And also maybe another aspect could be we get to see, "Oh yes, there was this intention setting." There was an intention setting in the past, and now, oh, it's come to fruition. And it gives us aspiration, it inspires us for further intention setting for goodness for our future self.

So a lot came up for me as I was practicing with you. So much goodness in my own life and cultivation, things I was taking for granted, and looking from the telescope of the past, like, "Wow, here it is." For example, I remember years ago, before I had started practice, but after the first few years of my practice, there was still a lot of existential angst for me about the meaning of life, purpose of life. And that's one of the reasons why I went into intense practice. And through months and years of silent meditation and practice and various teachings, it just all resolved itself. All the existential angst and the questioning, the fire, got resolved. So there's a sense of, I appreciate that for this being, there's a sense of ease with living, dying, being, not being. That is a product that a younger version of me would have loved to have. It's like, "Okay, it's been, it's here." So there's a sense of appreciation. I hope that for you also in this practice, you discover different things.

So I'd love to open for comments. Nicholas says, "My heart lit up when you said that we have more choice than we realize." That's good, and you can't end it there, there are some symbols, but that's so cute. Thanks, Nicholas, that's lovely. I appreciate your reflection. Yeah, and you have more choice than you realize. Exactly. It's the way that we choose to see. It's a way of seeing, the way we choose to see.

So I'd love to invite you to share in the reflections that came up for you. Trudy... I won't see people... okay, some... let's see, I need to go down and find your name. If you raise your Zoom hand, it makes it a lot easier. Let's see here. There. Okay, Trudy, you're on. I asked you to unmute yourself.

Trudy: Okay, now I'm unmuted. I wanted to ask you, I heard that you have taught a class about dying or at end of life. And if that's true, I'd like to know more, the name of it, and where I could learn more about it.

Nikki: Yes, I teach about mindfulness of death a lot, Trudy. I teach silent retreats, daylongs, etc. And the place you can find recordings would be on AudioDharma, daylongs, and you can also find talks on Dharma Seed. dharmaseed.org and audiodharma.org, you'll find plenty of talks.

Trudy: Weed Seed?

Nikki: Dharma Seed. D-H-A-R-M-A, Dharma, and seed as in a seed that you plant.

Trudy: Oh, thank you so much, yeah, I'm really interested, so thank you.

Nikki: You are so welcome, Trudy, your interest. Other reflections, other questions? Maybe what came up for you with this practice through the lens of time? Did it work for you? Did it not work for you? Would love to hear. Neil, please.

Neil: So, I mean, the biggest discovery was I really wished for the wrong things when I was younger, you know. I wished people would stop bothering me, you know, particularly my ex-wife, right? And it never occurred to me that I should just look to not be bothered by her, you know, right? I have no say over what other people do, and just a whole bunch of stuff. But finding some way to like be at ease with myself, even if it's only partial, it never occurred to me it was possible.

Nikki: Yeah, well, thanks for sharing that, Neil. And also what I'm really appreciating in what you're saying is that it didn't occur to you then, and yet there was a wish not to be bothered. And here, an older version of you, there is a discovery. You have discovered, "Oh, there is a way actually not to be bothered." So I take that as a yay, because the younger version didn't want to be, but didn't quite know, but the older version has so much more wisdom. So yay, here it is, it's been accomplished. Isn't that beautiful, Neil?

Neil: I take it as a yay too.

Nikki: Yay, absolutely. Thanks so much for sharing that, beautiful. I love this lens, yeah. Great. Stephanie says, "It was so beautiful to see that even though my dreams have not come to fruition as I imagined as a younger person, they are here in my life. It was also nice to have a sense of continuum of my dreams from then to now, like my life is not so fragmented as it sometimes feels. Thank you Nikki." Oh, thank you, Stephanie. Really appreciate that reflection, so powerful.

I think that's something that can come up when we see, yes, maybe not everything is here, but there is this continuum. There is this continuity, there's the sense of aspiration, seeds that were planted. Beautiful, beautifully said, Stephanie, thank you. And Ruth, I'm gonna ask you to hold on so that we can come back, because I want to make some time for the small practice group. So we'll come back to you right after the group, okay? So please hold on.

Great, so dear ones, let's turn to practicing in small groups of three, and we'll start with 15 seconds of silent mettā, silent appreciation, goodness for the younger version, older version, the person you see on the screen. And then you can share as much or as little as you wish about how this practice was for you. And of course, always holding yourselves with kindness, holding each other with kindness, importantly. So I'm going to create the rooms.

[Break for small groups]

Okay, welcome back everyone. The rooms are closed, and as promised, let's go to Ruth before I invite others for their reflections. Ruth, please. There you are, kindly unmute yourself.

Ruth: Hi, so the comment I wanted to make was sort of a little bit of an aha during the meditation. So the intentions that came to me during the meditation were the really big intentions that I had when I was young, intentions about having a family, intentions about having work that I had passion for. And I have cultivated gratitude, but there was a closing of the loop that I don't think I really had then. The closing the loop was, "Oh, I had an intention and then I made it happen." And the gratitude, it's like bringing that full circle. So that's just what I wanted to talk about. It's bringing the experience of setting these really long-term, like multiple-year intentions that, yeah, I did make that happen. So I feel like that felt really, really pretty good.

Nikki: Beautiful, thank you for sharing that, beautiful. Lovely aha moment. It's a beautiful aha moment of aspiration. Just this what you shared, and somewhat I would say similar to what Stephanie shared, the sense of continuity. And also it came up for me too, "Oh yeah, there's a sense of aspiration that can continue, like, oh yeah, here is this being sitting upright from the intentions of the past. Oh no, I can carry that into the future too." So beautiful, thank you Ruth for the way you shared your aha moment. Lovely.

Jerry appreciates your aha moment also, Ruth, lovely.

So dear ones, the time has come for us to bring to a close our practice together. So thank you so much for coming and practicing together. We do this work not just for ourselves, but for all beings everywhere whose lives we touch. May all beings be happy, may all beings be free, including ourselves. Thanks everyone.