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Happy Hour: Gratitude and Awe for Awareness

Hello and welcome. We're going to continue with the theme of gratitude, which we started on Friday. It was so rich that I felt a sense in the sangha^[1] that, "Oh yeah, let's continue with this." There are many, many more explorations, and a few of you said that. So we will continue with the exploration of gratitude. For those who like the Pali words, we will explore gratitude in Pali.

For those who've been listening and coming to Happy Hour for a while, you know that each time we try to take a slightly different, new perspective on these practices and explore as a scientist of our own mind. We try to discover something new, something slightly different, with a spirit of curiosity as an experiment. An experiment is always successful because you learn something. You learn about what works for you, what doesn't work, and so on. You learn something about the practice, as well as cultivation. There's always cultivation happening.

The perspective that we'll take tonight with gratitude is one of the simplicity of the moment. As always, we'll start by settling the mind and heart with a few minutes of calm abiding, calming the mind, and then starting with just simplicity. The simplicity of gratitude or appreciation for this mystery called life.

The invitation to play around with is to imagine you are a young child. If you have been around young children lately, or ever—especially if they're one or two years old—there is this sense of wonder. There's a sense of joy. There's a sense that everything is new, everything is amazing. There is no good, bad, future, or past; it's just amazing. There's this sense of awe for the mystery of being alive, being here.

I had the privilege to be around a year-and-a-half-old this weekend, and it was lovely to observe the way this little girl was eating up the world. Dipping her toes in the cold ocean waves and just, "Wow, this is fun. It's cold, I'm totally wet, I'm shivering, and yet this is interesting." The sense of awe, wonder—oh, wonder! With that sense of appreciation and gratitude, there's no good, there's no bad, it's just amazing in this impermanent life that is ours. A flash of lightning across this vast sky of being. You just show up, it's all an amazing show. From that perspective, all our worries, fears, trepidations, and insecurities, the "want this," "don't have that," the greed, hatred, and delusion^[2]... it's a way to step out of ourselves into appreciation.

Having set the stage, let's begin. Let's begin by settling into our bodies.

Guided Meditation

Landing, landing. Whether you're sitting or lying down, deciding what works best for your body in this moment, in whatever posture. Arriving with each in-breath, each out-breath, exhaling long, settled here.

Feeling contact points. Feet at the floor, your sit bones on the cushion, the chair. With each out-breath, landing, landing into your lower body. Letting go of any tightness or holding.

Connecting with each breath in the lower abdomen. Each breath cleansing, settling, soothing. Just taking our time to settle and arrive in this body—this amazing body that knows how to breathe. Fully present here. Turning our gaze inward. Greeting ourselves. Greeting ourselves with friendliness. Each in-breath, each out-breath, a long exhale. A friendly greeting.

Just this breath. Just this one. Not the next one, not the previous one. Just this moment, simple. Welcoming settling, peace, and quiet as much as it is available in this moment.

If thoughts, plans, or memories are arising, it's okay. No need to judge oneself. Simply acknowledging, "Thank you, thought, but right now I'm giving my heart to this practice. Please come back later." Smilingly turning to take refuge in just the simplicity of this moment.

As we till the soil and prepare for our next practice, as each breath is breathed into the abdomen, the lower part of your body. Noticing, noticing the sense of immediacy, the freshness. What can be called the now-ness. The now-ness. Fleeting now-ness.

As if your awareness is standing at a revolving door. Awareness not going through the door to the past or present, but staying at the revolving door as the new experiences keep arriving. A new breath arrives, rises, crests like a wave, rising, falling. Always awareness, fresh, standing at this revolving door. The point of view of now-ness. Even if the mind can stabilize in this viewpoint for a moment, or if it can simply set up an easy chair and just rest here, hanging out. Knowing, observing experience as it arises and passes away almost feels like a miracle. This knowing is awareness.

And whatever experience is coming through the revolving door, coming and going. Whether it's the sensations of the breath, this wavelength, sensation or sensations—so many of them felt through the abdomen, chest, the whole body. Whatever else is arising, this revolving door of experience being known in this now-ness. Other sensations in the body. Quite miraculous. Whatever experience is arising, and the knowing of it.

Or sounds arising right here at this moment. Heard, arising, and passing. This now-ness, experiences arising and passing through this pinhole of knowing. Quite miraculous, this whole show. To have a front-row seat to this conscious experience. This mind, this heart, this being. The only one looking through this pinhole of experience in this now-ness, having these experiences of life in its particularities. Yes, we're all human, and yet in its particularities, the way it's showing up in this moment for me is so intimate.

Not taking it for granted. The so fascinating experience of being human is a miracle, a mystery. We each have a front-row seat to this moment. Just observing with interest, curiosity for it to reveal itself. With patience, with appreciation. With this perspective in the present moment, appreciating, really waking up to this mystery passing every moment. All amazing.

Even what we usually call unpleasant—perhaps an unpleasant sensation or pain in the body, or a loud noise—it all becomes fascinating from this perspective. Amazing sensations. "Wow, interesting." Interesting sounds rising and passing. A sense of gratitude and appreciation for having this conscious experience. Knowing it's all impermanent, moving through the pinhole of experience, the revolving door. Just here, just now.

I will read a poem by E.E. Cummings. Let it wash over you.

i thank You God for most this amazing day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today, and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing breathing any—lifted from the no of all nothing—human merely being doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and now the eyes of my eyes are opened)^[3]

For the last few minutes, notice what it is in your experience in this now-ness. Seeing, hearing, touching, breathing, tasting, being. This amazing experience of just being, which many of us—have I—been taking for granted. What if it wasn't here? What if this sense didn't exist?

Letting go, letting go of any judgments, however this practice period was or wasn't. Appreciating. Appreciating having shown up. And even if there was awareness, mindfulness connecting to this moment even for a moment, giving thanks. Giving thanks.

Thank you all. Thank you for your practice. Welcome back.

Reflections

Before I open the floor for reflection, I want to ask you for a moment to look around your space. Just look around the room you're in with fresh eyes. Is there any new appreciation with fresh eyes? Really take your time. Maybe look at one object. Either the process of looking or the object itself, with fresh eyes of appreciation of just seeing, the object being seen, before turning your gaze back.

We have a few minutes for reflections, questions, comments, what you discovered, complaints—it's all welcome. For the benefit of the sangha, what did you discover? What arose for you? Questions are okay, too. If you type them in chat, if they're typed just to me, I won't say your name; I'll just read the reflection privately. If it's typed to everyone, then I'll read it all publicly. You can also raise your Zoom hand.

A question is coming in: "Do you feel a somatic difference in your body between feeling mettā^[4] and feeling gratitude?"

Yes, I do. That's a good question. How about you, the person who asked this question? I wonder if you'd like to comment. If you'd like to say more, you're welcome to unmute yourself now, and if not, it's okay. You can also ask me to elaborate.

For me, there is a difference. Where do I feel it? It's interesting, I've never been asked this question, so let me tune in. With gratitude, what I sense is gratitude and joy, I think. They're nuances of joy. When I practice gratitude, there is joy. Whereas mettā can have gladness, but it's more turned towards others, towards myself. There's friendliness, but gratitude has more joy in it, has more brightness in it. That's the best I can describe it right now. But then again, don't take my word for it. See what works for you, and I would be curious about your report.

Bill says, "It's hard to stay still in front of the revolving door." Yes, that is true. It is a practice, exactly. But if you're able to even stay for a moment, it can be so amazing to even try to stay there and be there for a little bit.

Nicholas says, "Today was a lovely opportunity to sit with discomfort and unpleasant sensations in the body." Ah, I love how you put that, Nicholas. A lovely opportunity to sit with discomfort and unpleasant sensations in the body. Nicholas, you're welcome to raise your hand if you want to explore and expand a little more with that. Sitting with those sensations. I'll ask Nicholas to continue with that, and then I'll go to Marie-Christine. So Nicholas, you're up.

Nicholas: Yeah, the chest was not aligned very well, and so there was just a lot of tightness and sharpness, and it was moving around. I felt the push to try to mettā it away. It's like, "Oh, there's some aversion here. Oh, there's some—like, why is it contracted?" It's like, "Oh, maybe mettā will push it away." There were a few minutes of that, and then there was this nice moment of, "Oh, it's uncomfortable to be in this body right now. Oh, like, what is that like?" It just shifted. The discomfort didn't go away for the whole sit; it was an uncomfortable sit. But there was that kind of falling back into being annoyed and hoping it goes away, and then coming back and recognizing that aversion is there, and just kind of feeling the back-and-forth. It was lovely in its own way.

Nikki: Thank you, Nicholas. This is fantastic, and I want to highlight what you said for the benefit of the sangha, because what you described was so beautifully put. You mindfully observed in your practice that there's this desire to mettā it away. We often do that. Like, "Okay, there's aversion. Okay, I'm going to mettā this thing away, this unpleasantness." Whereas when that falls away, and you fell into the revolving door: "This is what's showing up right now. This unpleasant feeling tone, this is what's showing up." That too can feel amazing and incredible and just mysterious. You're smiling, so it sounds like you got a taste of that.

Nicholas: Yes, there's an ease that holds the unpleasantness. It's still unpleasant, but there's a sense of it's not the urgency of needing it to go away. Somehow that thirst kind of settles down. It's hard to describe, but there's an ease that holds it. It's still here, it hasn't gone away, but it's held with ease.

Nikki: That's exactly it. That's an important insight, remember this Nicholas. Thank you for sharing. Awesome. Marie-Christine, please. Wait, you're still muted, Marie-Christine. There.

Marie-Christine: Okay, for me, mettā is something that happens outwardly from me to the outside world, whereas gratitude is what comes in. I don't know if that makes sense.

Nikki: Of course it does. Absolutely. Thank you for describing how it shows up for you. That's lovely. Now there's one more example of that, and this is an invitation for all of you to now explore this beautiful question that came through.

I think this reflection was meant for everyone, but it came to me: "It is wondrous to sit alone in my sanctuary with all of you worldwide sangha."

That's beautiful. Thank you, it's lovely. I'm so glad you're joining us. And Eric, we'll make this the last reflection before we turn to small groups.

Eric: I had this experience when I was sick the last time. I was asking myself, "What if this were to continue forever? Would I be okay with this? Is there a way I could be okay with this?" And I didn't know. I was like, "I don't know, it seems pretty bad." I kind of had a similar experience today. I guess I just wasn't able to tap into gratitude. Like Nicholas was saying how he found an ease around the unpleasantness, I just wasn't able to find that.

Nikki: So you're saying there was some discomfort in the body? And then did the question come up, "What if this continues?" And there wasn't ease with it, there was a sense of overwhelm? Help me connect the dots, Eric.

Eric: Yeah, I felt I couldn't find gratitude for it.

Nikki: And that's okay. That's perfectly fine. You know, insights don't always arise. One way to work towards that, the invitation would be to pull back first into calm, into spaciousness, and breathe around the difficulty. See if there can be breathing around this pain, this difficulty. Kind of breathing around it, not breathing it away, and not making it all okay, but just kind of like, "Can it be here, and can I breathe around it? Can I breathe peace around it?" That could be a way to gently build a little yellow brick road towards it. Does that make sense what I'm talking about? Breathing peace and space around the difficulty?

Eric: It does, yeah.

Nikki: So that would be my invitation, Eric, if that arises again. Thank you for that. I really appreciate you bringing that up.

Dear ones, let's turn to practicing in small groups together for six or seven minutes. The invitation today is we will start with 15 seconds of silent mettā when we go into the small rooms of three or four. After the 15 seconds of mettā, then sharing as little or as much as you like with each other about your practice, your insights, caring for yourselves, and caring for each other. The rooms are open. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other with mettā. Here we go.

Welcome back, everyone. We've got a minute or two. If you have any reflections, I would love to hear them, especially if you haven't spoken and shared in a while. Please feel free to raise your hand or type in chat what you discovered, especially being in groups together.

As I wait for your hand to raise or your comments to come in chat, I wanted to say earlier when Bill said that being at the revolving door is not easy, I wanted to say, yes, this is kind of advanced practice. And you guys are game, you guys are jumping in with me. This is not beginner's practice. Yet, if it's accessible for a moment or two—actually, I would be curious if it was accessible for you even for a split second, or even for a second, to be in this revolving door. Would you use your reactions and click "yes," the checkmark? Let's see... seven, eight, nine. Okay, I see. Great. Thank you for that. Cool.

Let's see a couple of reflections. A private question came through; yes, the answer is yes to that. Casey says, "Learned a lot today. Thank you Nicholas and Eric for your shares." That's great. Patricia, "Thank you breakout room. It was brief but lovely sharing." Oh, that's very sweet.

All right dear ones, it seems like this is it. We have come to the end of our time. I see a clap, not a question, I take it. I don't know who that was, but anyway, it's 7:01, and I will stay a few minutes extra. I wanted to thank you all for showing up and sharing of yourselves, sharing your practice, cultivating your heart and mind.

May all beings be free. May all beings be happy, including ourselves. Thank you.