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Happy Hour: Five Magic Words

Good to see you, good to be with you. In the U.S., this is the eve of the holiday we call Thanksgiving. There's so much to say about this holiday, and of course, it's a complicated and challenging history. I just want to give a nod to that and acknowledge it. What I'd like to bring in tonight for our reflection is this practice of appreciating, giving thanks, gratitude, or affirming goodness. That's one way we can think of the practice of appreciation, gratitude, and affirming goodness.

We often tend to like, appreciate, or be grateful for what is good and pleasant. But it may not necessarily always be that way. Can we also open up and appreciate what is, even if it's not pleasant, if it doesn't feel good in the moment? Just to give you an example, I have recently been sick with the flu, as I shared earlier, and I am still recovering. You might hear it in my voice a bit.

I want to bring in another theme of appreciation, given that in the US at least, this is the week of Thanksgiving. It's a holiday of giving thanks, appreciation, and turning our mindset. I want to bring another theme in, thanks to Christine, one of the regulars at Happy Hour, who sent me an email. She also sent a similar email to Happy Hour with a local singer-songwriter that she likes. The name of the songwriter is Leah, and her channel on YouTube is "I Am Leah." Leah has a lot of songs on gratitude and on love, and so many of them are like mini Dharma talks.

One of the songs that Christine sent—and you can look at your mailbox later, please don't do it now—is a song that inspired her. I watched it too, and it's quite lovely. This singer-songwriter has a song about what she calls "three magic words." In many ways, we talk about this theme, we teach this theme, and we practice it together. These three magic words, not surprisingly, are: "I love you."

The idea here with this practice, which I want to bring in and weave in—and we've practiced this actually here—is that when you say "I love you," it isn't so much, "I have romantic love for you, and I want you, and an attachment, and I expect you to love me back." No. The idea of these three magic words is when you open yourself up to appreciating. We can say "I love you" to the sun, or the leaves, or the blue sky, or anything else that's in your life. Your neighbor: "I love you." The person who is challenging for you: "I love you. You keep expanding my edges. I love you because I can be more human through you." Instead of thinking we are enlightened perhaps, our heart gets to expand.

Hearing this "I Love You" song as she sings it—you can check it out later, it's just very sweet—"I love you this, I love you that, I love you the sky, I love you the earth, I love you the tree, I love you person who's walking by." It's a sense of opening up your heart. This was in my mind today, and I was trying it on for size. What I invite you to play around with, as we'll explore in a moment, is to see what happens in your mind when you try it on.

Some reactions might be humorous or funny when you try it on and see what the reaction is. As I was trying it on today while I was outside, I said, "I love you, blue sky." It made my heart open up more to really appreciate that it's the fall and it's sunny today. Or the fact that I can be out today, and I'm not so sick like the past few days. "I love you, sky. I love you, body. I love you." And then my mind turned to the flu virus: "I love you, virus." I thought, "Oh, that's funny. That's a funny thing to say: I love you, virus." So, humor came out. [Laughter]

This stance of holding this relationship... Do I love this virus? Well, I don't exactly love it, but it's been a part of me. It's been hanging out with my body for a few days. It opens up different perspectives. It opens up different perspectives not to always be fixed in a particular way we see things. For me, these three magic words, "I love you," brought up a sense of humor, appreciation, and a kind of releasing of the way perhaps I usually relate.

Joining this three magic words practice with the theme of appreciation and gratitude—this being the week of Thanksgiving—let's try it on for size and see what happens. Let's see what arises. Is it more appreciation of something? Might it be a different perspective? It might be humor. Maybe it's resistance. And if it's resistance, that's fine too, like, "No, this thing, I don't want to open up to it." But maybe these three magic words open our hearts a little more to something, especially with respect to ourselves. What if you say "I love you" to yourself and you really mean it? And if resistance arises, you hang in there with the resistance. Anyway, I've said a lot already, lots of themes. Let's just leave all the words and practice together, and see what happens.

Guided Meditation

Now let's arrive. Let's arrive in our seats. Let's get into our meditation posture, sitting up with as much integrity, respecting the form, and letting our hands be on our lap. If you need to lie down because the body needs care in that way, that's okay too. But I'm going to assume for the most part that you're sitting up on a cushion or a chair, and that your feet and legs are well rooted on the earth, and your spine is straight and upright.

Letting go of judgments, letting go of thoughts and plans. They're not needed right now. Whatever has happened before you got to this point, let it go. Let it go. Take refuge in the simplicity of this moment. You don't have to figure it out. You don't have to be a good soldier marching on. Just be. Just be.

Do nothing for a moment. Be humble. Be simple. Be an earthworm, simple. Just simple. Feel the softness of your body. Let your heart relax. Let your body relax. Nothing to do, to think, to figure out, to be. Be an earthworm. Release. Release.

Feeling the connection of your body to the earth: your feet, your legs, your sit bones, your hands on your lap. Bring the center of gravity of your awareness down from your head, down to your body. Let it be in your lower abdomen, receiving the breath there. Just settling for a few breaths.

Receiving the breath, receiving the sensations of the body. Let the breath be calming, soothing, nurturing. Receiving the breath in the abdomen. This breath, just this breath, gratefully, appreciatively, this life-giving breath. The entirety of the in-breath, the entirety of the out-breath. Intimate. Intimate. So sweet to be intimate with the breath, knowing it closely. It serves as an antidote to distraction and scatteredness, which is less satisfying. So the breath, this gift, this anchor grounding in the body: "Thank you, breath. Thank you for your companionship." Stay with the breath, with your awareness. "Thank you."

Letting your heart be soft, appreciating what we may often take for granted. Maybe not if you're having the flu or a cold and you're congested and breaths are hard, but you appreciate when there is this breath. Maybe even when it's hard, that it's still here. "Thank you. I love you. Thank you."

And now I'd like to invite you to bring someone for whom your mettā^[1], your care, flows with ease—maybe a child, a pet, someone with whom you have an uncomplicated relationship. Invite them to your mind's eye, to the space of your heart. As you are sitting with them, seeing them, being with them in this moment, see how their presence impacts you. Maybe it brings a sense of ease and relaxation to your body, to your heart. Are you just appreciating them? Maybe softly whispering, "Thank you. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you. Thank you. I love you."

And again, "I love you" not so much as romantic love or expectation for reciprocation, but as a way of saying yes to this being. Is your heart opening up its doors and saying yes to them? Appreciating them, caring for them, sharing mettā, accepting them, appreciating their lovely qualities. "Thank you. I love you." Try it on for size. If you feel silly doing it, saying it, whispering it, do it anyway. Be silly, be childlike, be simple. What do you have to lose? Try it on for size. With this particular being, do you lean more into "thank you" or lean more into "I love you," or a balance of both? Dare to be silly, dare to experiment, be bold. Stretch your heart a bit. "Thanks for being in my life. You're a gift. Thank you. I love you." Your heart can love in so many ways. It can be so expansive, be so magnanimous. It really can love so many beings in so many nuanced, different ways.

And expand the door, open the door of your heart, and invite someone else. Maybe someone who's a neutral person for you. Maybe you've worked with them as a neutral person—a neighbor, someone who works at a grocery store, whom you've interacted with and never appreciated for a moment. "Thank you. I love you." Try it on for size. Can your heart be undefended, unprotected, sharing its goodness, sharing its mettā, its well-wishing, its care, its kindness with strangers? Try it on for size, you don't have to push it.

And maybe now inviting someone you've had challenges with, but you really know deep in your heart they've helped you expand your heart, your capacity. They've been your teacher. Can you invite them and thank them for the role they've played in your life? "Thank you. Thank you. I love you." Let's try it on for size. It's an experiment.

And yourself. Inviting yourself: the being who's both your dear being, sometimes neutral, sometimes a person you have challenges with. This being who is me, who does their best. Thank you. On the in-breath, out-breath, keeping yourself in mind, thanking yourself: "Thank you. I love you." And if resistance arises, judgment, feeling silly: "Thank you. I love you." See what happens. Is it disarming? Is it funny? Is it a movement of acceptance? Experiment on your own. See what works for you. Maybe as you sit on the earth: "Thank you. Thank you, Earth." If your heart is resisting being stretched, to the resistance: "Thank you. I love you." Maybe "I love you" in this case is an acknowledgment. It is a softening into, not the usual ways we think of it. Experiment on your own. Can you love your challenges? "Thank you. I love you," as well as what's good.

As we bring this practice to a close, appreciating yourself for having showed up, having done your best, having practiced: "Thank you. I love you." And let's offer the goodness of our practice, the merit of our practice, to all beings everywhere. May all beings everywhere know the limitlessness of their hearts, including ourselves. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free. Thanks everyone. Thanks for your practice.

Reflections and Q&A

If there are any questions, comments, or complaints, you can raise your Zoom hand or type in the chat.

Lisa: Hello. It's so special to be with you before Thanksgiving. Towards the end, there was something about impersonality because suddenly it was like, "I love you, heartbreak. I love you, pain. I love you, loneliness"—like hard emotions. And then it was just like, oh, they're like visitors to show me what this human experience is like. It was not super personal. There was some kind of space there, maybe because I'm not in the throes and caught by one of those right now. But yeah, that was what came up for me.

Nikki Mirghafori: That's profound, Lisa. Thank you for sharing that. I so appreciate this opening, going there, your mind inviting you to love your challenges that become the challenges of the human condition. This really is an insight into anattā^[2], impersonality, not-self arising. "Thank you, challenges, whatever name or face you have." Thank you for sharing that. Wonderful, beautiful. Wow. Any other reflections?

Jesse: Thanks, Nikki. This is brilliant. It just never ceases to amaze me that sitting silently in a chair here on Zoom with my eyes closed with some of these practices, what I discovered was that this can require courage. The invitation was there, and I didn't need to take the invitation, but I did. I did it to the neutral person and scrolling through these different people. I was like, wow, it was an amazing practice. Thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you, Jesse. I love how you talk about courage. I completely agree; it takes courage. This practice takes courage, a lot of courage. The invitations are there, and yet sometimes our mind goes, "Oh, this is too dangerous," or maybe the mind doesn't say that, it says, "Oh, this is so silly, this is too stupid, I don't want to do it." It just comes up with reasons why not to do it, and it takes courage to say, "Okay, thank you, I hear you, but I'm going to try this on for size and expand." And as you were sharing, it sounds like it was quite impactful for you in different ways, how this experiment with these five magic words—not just three, but five magic words—showed up for you. Is there anything else you want to add, or does it feel complete?

Jesse: No, exactly as you said. Those voices are like, "This is silly, this doesn't make any sense," but choosing to step beyond that.

Nikki Mirghafori: Exactly. Thank you. Paige, please.

Paige: Hello. I'm thinking about an experience from last week. I live down in Honduras half the year, and my house in Portland was burglarized. So I have the opposite of bounty, usually celebrating bounty and being thankful for things in our life. This was devastating. I had a lot of artwork and sculptures, and they pretty much totally cleaned it out and broke whatever was there.

Nikki Mirghafori: I'm so sorry.

Paige: Luckily, I had just been on a Vipassanā^[3] retreat in Mexico a few weeks prior. So I guess I was in shape to be able to receive such a blow and just say, "It is what it is." But it was a considerable amount of possessions.

Nikki Mirghafori: I hear and appreciate that. Since this is the theme of tonight, it might be too soon, so this may not be the practice right now for you, Paige. But when the time comes, when the stability and equanimity comes of seeing that there is stuff in this world, and in that stuff there is goodness and beauty, and also that they weigh us down—is there a way to be grateful? Is there a way to see the good? Not right now, this might be too soon while the "ouch" might still be too strong. But there always is a way to find liberation, to find freedom, to find more ease, especially when things are let go of, even if it's not what we would have chosen. So I'll just offer that as a reflection for you to sit with.

Paige: I think I can understand that in theory. Sometimes people make a great point if their house burns down and then they say, "Oh, start over." But...

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you, Paige. Thank you. Rose asks, "What are the five magic words?" The five magic words are what I kept repeating through the guided meditation: "Thank you. I love you." Five magic words: "Thank you. I love you."

With that, I'd like to invite us to engage together in small groups, offering our ears for listening and our hearts in appreciation of each other. The prompt for tonight is: choose something good and something challenging. Let's do both. Something good that you can say "Thank you. I love you" to, and something challenging that you can say "Thank you. I love you" to. We'll do a couple of rounds. The first person in alphabetical order will offer something good they can say "Thank you. I love you" to, then the next person. Then the second round would be something challenging you can expand your heart to have that relationship with. Future rounds could just be open conversation. I'm going to create the rooms. Please only speak from your own experience, and let other people have their space. If you want to say pass, that's perfectly fine. Be kind to each other. Enjoy.

[Break for breakout rooms]

We've got about just a minute for any reflections that might have come from either the silent practice or the practicing community. What did you notice? Kim, please.

Kim: I noticed that with us going around and saying "I love you," it normalized it. I was struggling a little bit with it during the meditation, I could kind of get there, but to have the three of us saying it really normalized it. It was like, "Yeah, this is great, this works."

Nikki Mirghafori: Awesome. Very nice. Thank you so much, Kim, for verbalizing that and acknowledging that, because I think that's exactly it. When you hear it out loud, other people saying it and bearing witness, that normalizing feels like something one's heart can land into. In the meditation, it's like, "I don't know what that exactly means, I love you. It feels wild, it feels weird." But yes, thank you so much for that.

For those of you who are on the mailing list—actually, if you're not on the mailing list, get on the mailing list—Christine already sent a pointer to this person doing the "I Love You" song. The way they do it is a little different than how we did it tonight. They say, "I love you sky, I love you the chair, I love you this, I love you that." That can become part of what you practice too. It might feel silly, but it's like, "Oh, I love you chair. I love you computer, you let me communicate with my Sangha^[4]." So there's a sense of naturalness that can come here. Tonight we did "Thank you. I love you," which is the five magic words practice, instead of the three magic words of just "I love you."

All these practices are so profound and can really shake you out of your habitual way of going about the world, to approach it with more mettā, with more care, and by touching into our humanity. Thank you so much for practicing, for showing up, and for being part of the Sangha. May all beings be happy. May all beings be free, including ourselves. Thanks everyone.