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Happy Hour: Loving-Kindness for a Friend and Oneself

Introduction

So hello again and a warm welcome to all of you wherever in the world you are joining, either live on Zoom, on YouTube, or listening afterwards on AudioDharma or YouTube. A warm, warm welcome. Meeting this moment in whatever shape or form you're showing up in. Making this moment afresh. It's a fresh moment; it hasn't happened this way before, so greeting it.

As we continue, we're going through the brahmaviharas^[1], and right now we're going through the metta^[2] practice, loving-kindness, in concentric circles. Methodically, we're going through the concentric circles, opening the heart more and more.

On Friday, we turned our hearts to a good friend, to a dear friend. We primed our heart. We took most of the session actually with the dear friend, and then at the end, we turned and had them gaze at us, and we did metta for ourselves, cultivating care and kindness for ourselves through the eye of our dear friend.

Continuing today, we'll do something similar but a little different. We'll start again with a good friend to prime our heart because sometimes it might be easier to feel warmth, care, and friendliness for a good friend. Then, after having primed the heart, we'll spend most of the time tonight cultivating and turning towards care and kindness for ourselves, this being who is us. Many times we may not be very nice to this person who is us and treat ourselves with judgment, and not necessarily with loving-kindness.

We can never have enough self-metta, care for this being who is us. The Buddha says if you search the entire world, you won't find anyone who is more dear to you. We should be more dear to ourselves. So caring for ourselves as we care for others—not less than, not more than, but as much as we care for others. It just happens that usually if we treated others the way we treat ourselves, they wouldn't put up with it, the way we self-flagellate sometimes. So, we are cultivating kindness.

Reflections and Q&A

So we have time for a couple of reflections if you'd like to type in the chat or raise your blue hand, because if you raise your physical hand, I may not see you. I invite you, if you've been sharing a lot, to pull back and let those who don't share much step forward. And if you don't share much, I invite you to please do, I would love to hear from you. So just doing that pulling back, pulling forward, sharing what's supportive. Anyone can type their reflections in chat, but for raising hands, I'd like to invite those who usually don't speak up to please let us hear your voice, your reflections. What happened for you?

To get us started, I can say that for me, especially towards the end, there was just a sense of landing in metta. The sense of, "Oh, I'm happier, I'm calmer, I'm more soothed." There's just a sense of gladness, more than an hour ago. So what's happening for you? What came up? What lit up for you? There's a lot more I can say, but I want to hear from you, please. You're all welcome now. You can either type your reflections in chat or raise your hand by going to participants and clicking on "raise hand" so I can help you unmute yourself. What was surprising, what worked, what didn't? Your reflections can support the whole sangha^[4], the community.

Johnny says on YouTube—Johnny who's in Norway, where it's now 3:45 AM—they say, "Calming and soothing. Yes, thank you very much. Much love to you and all." Oh, thank you, Johnny. Lovely that you've been with us from Norway at this time. Feel a sense of connection across the globe.

A comment: "I had a hard time finding a friend that was without complications, and that made me sad." It's part of human relationships; we're complicated people. I think what I was saying is maybe if the relationship isn't too complicated. If it's a little complicated, it's okay, you can work with it next time. No relationship is completely without complications. But thank you for sharing that reflection, I appreciate it.

Rebecca says, "I noticed a push and pull in me, where sometimes I was open to receive and other times I resisted it. A dance between the two." Great, that's wonderful to be sensitive to that actually. Yes, the dance between being open and resisting, and dancing in between and not trying to force it, but just being sensitive to it. Beautiful, I appreciate that reflection.

My next reflection: "My person is someone I don't think about very often, not the close friend I usually use for this. It was surprising that they came to mind. What a lovely visit." Oh, that's sweet. That makes me happy. What a lovely visit. There's a loveliness in that.

And one more reflection: "The metta settled into upekkha^[5]. I would check if the metta was still there, and I think it was, but it still inclined towards upekkha." Ah, interesting. So that is interesting to check into, the metta settling into upekkha, because the feeling tone of the two is very different. Equanimity. So we've done the practice of equanimity here many times. The metta settling into equanimity, it's okay if that's where the heart was going. And as you were saying, kind of being sensitive to that: "Oh, that's where it's going." Maybe also being curious about it, I think that could be interesting as part of practice, if there is something particular about where you are in this moment in time, or something about this friend that's pulling you towards equanimity. It's all good.

So dear ones, thank you for sharing your reflections and your practice. I'd like to invite you—especially at this time, if many of you, when you hear about practice groups, you hop off like, "I don't want to be with people"—I invite you to stretch yourself a little bit. Stretch yourself a little bit and hang in here. Hang in here and see what it's like to just share, to be held. To be held by a couple of other caring, nice, kind people. And if you have to go, if you have an obligation, it's okay. No judgment, thank you for joining, but stretch yourself this one time; see what it's like. You might be surprised.

The invitation in the groups is to hold yourself with kindness, let yourself be held with kindness. Maybe the first moment you just hold each other in silence. Actually, let's start tonight with a three-word check-in. Each person will say three words about what's coming up for them. What's coming up for you in this moment in your heart and your body. You say a three-word check-in, each of you do that, and then maybe you're in silence, just sharing kindness with people from around the world. Such a privilege to be in this kind of sangha, this kind of community. So, I'm going to create the groups right now and... here we go. Okay.

(Group breakout sessions)

Welcome back everyone. The rooms are closed, and we have just a couple of minutes for reflections of what might have come up from the groups. And especially those of you—I'd love to hear from those of you who weren't quite sure about staying for the groups but decided to stretch yourself. We'd love to hear from you if you want to type in chat or raise your hand and I'll invite you to unmute.

And while you're doing that, I'll read one more reflection that came in: "I too had a hard time finding a friend with an uncomplicated relationship. I found myself imagining the child version of myself and feeling an abundance of love for and from this version of myself. I found this beautiful and it brought tears to my eyes during the meditation. Perhaps this was showing me an area of neglect and opportunity for growth in self-love." Beautiful. Beautiful, it's just a lovely, lovely way to practice with that and have adapted that practice in an area for yourself.

So, anyone who was hesitant to get into groups and then did hang on... I know there are a few of you out there. I'm going to hang on because I know you usually stay for the group, so it's not you, you're not in that category. So I'm going to wait for someone else who is in that category. I'd love to hear from you. I did see the look of hesitation on some of your faces, so we'd love to hear from you. What was it like? Would you please share with us? You can raise your hand, and I can unmute you. Even if you raise your physical hand, it's okay, other people can type in chat and tell me who it is and raise their hand. Anyone? Any shy people who were gonna hop off but didn't?

Yes, Terrence, please. Oh, I ask you to unmute, here you go. So you should be able to unmute yourself now. You still can't, huh? Okay, so I'm going to change something else, hold on. Okay, try now.

Terrence: There we go, good. Thank you, there was a little dialog box that I missed while I was trying to hit the button. All good. I was just delighted and surprised... well, in the meditation that you led, someone that I hadn't thought of in a long time came to mind. The joy of it, you know, the delight in refreshing my memory of that person. Knowing them from on the dance floor where you can really see one another and, you know, be expressive. And this person is like that and it's just so... it's a joy to remember them. And yeah, I talked with Jesse and Paula in my small group about their meeting. It's a wonderful experience. Thank you, Nikki.

Nikki: Thank you, thank you, Terrence, and thank you so much for sharing. And thanks for hanging in there. I think I did see on your face you were like, "Oh, do I want to stay for the groups? Do I not want to stay?" Is that right? Was that right? Yeah, you're right. So I'm so glad you stayed. So glad you stayed and it was a wonderful experience, that's lovely.

And Wendy also says, "My first impulse was to hop off but stayed per your encouragement. The experience was somewhat quiet for me and felt sincere connection." Ah, that's sweet. Felt sincere connection and love, oh that is so sweet. That is just lovely, that is lovely, thank you. I really wanted to hear tonight from people who usually hop off.

So it's 7:03, we've gone over time. I'm happy to stay a few minutes extra for those who have more reflections or want to share or have questions, but I think let's end closer to time. So thank you all for your practice. Thank you so much for your practice. May our practice support us and all those whose lives we touch in gladness, happiness, freedom, and joy. Thank you all.