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Happy Hour: Recognizing "This Is Hard" With Care & Compassion

Hello and welcome. Good morning, good afternoon, good evening wherever you are. The topic for today's meditation is self-compassion. We've been working our way through the concentric circles, the different categories in compassion, and we've come to self-compassion. We're going to linger here for a few sessions because you can't have enough self-compassion—filling one's own cup with one's own care.

Especially holding one's own suffering with care, love, and affection instead of self-condemnation or self-judgment. Trying to whip yourself into shape, saying things like, "Here you are, you're being a crybaby," or calling yourself names—ouch, ouch. It's adding more insult to injury, and it doesn't really work to get us to do what we want to do in the world. It just makes us more depressed, disempowers us, and makes us feel bad.

There are plenty of studies connecting a lack of self-compassion and self-flagellation with depressive mind states. Self-criticism and self-judgment correlate with depressive mind states. And of course, it makes sense, because if you keep hitting yourself, keep demeaning yourself, of course, ouch. It doesn't support you; it makes you feel worse. Instead of actually supporting you to be stronger in the world, it actually diminishes you.

Self-compassion is also very different from self-aggrandizement or being self-obsessed. It's none of those. It's a healthy self-care, a self-regard for oneself, basically the way you would treat someone you care about. You can think of a young one. If you imagine a little child who's having a hard time, you wouldn't kick them and say, "Oh, come on, get it together." But ouch, we tend to do that when we have a hard time. We kick ourselves in the shin: "Get it together," instead of, "Oh sweetie, this is hard. This is hard."

So the first step in compassion, especially in self-compassion, is acknowledging that this is hard. Simply acknowledging that what you're going through right now is hard. Just that simple acknowledgment, which we often miss. I know that I've missed that many, many times in my life. Having had a chronic illness, the first few months of it, I would be tired, exhausted, and I would berate myself: "Come on, there are all these emails waiting for you. Get it together." It took me a while to realize, "Wait, sweetie, you're tired. You're not being lazy. There's something going on in this body." Learning to actually be more affectionate, to be more understanding, and to realize that it was challenging was the starting point of learning how to work with it.

Bringing awareness to see that this is challenging can open our heart to care, and can open our minds to wisdom—to actually open up to ways to wisely work with it instead of continuing to kick ourselves and get into a vicious cycle. With that, let's start practicing together.

Reflections and Q&A

Thank you all. Thanks for your practice. There are so many different ways to practice self-compassion. So many paths to the temple; there is not one single path. We explore some ways here, and there are other ways. Keep exploring, keep experimenting, and see what works for you. Let yourself be surprised. If there are ways that have worked for you in the past, try something else, try something new.

You can practice self-compassion with words, with phrases, or without words. There are different ways to enter it: holding ourselves as our younger version, holding ourselves as an adult, or receiving care and love from a compassionate being. There are so many different flavors, and we'll explore many of them. You can write a compassion letter to yourself.

I would love to hear what you discovered in this exploration today. You are welcome to type it in chat to everyone or just to me. You can also raise your hand to unmute yourself and share your discovery, your wisdom, or your question. Especially if you haven't shared in a while, I'd like to invite you to speak up. Or if you're new to this sangha^[1], your contribution is important. What did you discover? It's all welcome. By sharing what works or didn't work, you're supporting each other. By making yourself vulnerable and sharing of yourself, you're supporting others.

Let me start by reading a reflection from Jerry: "It was very helpful to think of my friends and relatives and if they were in my position, how difficult that they also would feel."

Great. That's a helpful perspective. Sometimes we think we are superhuman and we should be able to deal with this, whatever "this" is. Thinking of your friends or relatives in this situation—especially someone with the same causes and conditions, background, genes, upbringing, and challenges that you've had—shows that this is not unique to you. This situation would be challenging for anyone, and of course with the combination of conditions that you have, this is hard. Realizing that can be the first and most important step.

Emily shared next: "I think something that was hard for me in the actual experience of trying to practice tonight was it being the end of the week. I'm a freelancer, I run my own life and business, and I just had this feeling of dissatisfaction with what I accomplished today and this week. It was really hard for me to let go. I noticed at a certain point I even turned the Zoom on, but I was like, 'I'm going to work on my taxes at the same time.' And then I was like, 'That feels crazy.' I felt like I wanted to be done with working and was kind of drained, but because I didn't feel as productive as I wanted, it was hard to let the weekend begin. For me, there's a challenge around what my behavior is versus the compassion. It can feel like I should have done a better job, and so if I feel compassion, then I'm gonna not take care of my life."

"I'm glad you brought this in, Emily, because what you said is so typical," I replied. "There's a fear that, 'Oh, if you feel compassion, then you won't get anything done and you'll become a couch potato.' That is the wrong perspective. Studies show that when we are more compassionate, we take more responsibility for our actions. It's actually the other way around. When we self-flagellate, saying, 'Oh, I'm a failure, I didn't get enough done, I'm terrible,' we're beating ourselves up. We make ourselves small, get depressed, and then we don't feel like doing anything. It becomes a vicious cycle.

"Don't just trust me and the research, try it yourself. Take a step of trust. With what you just described about being a freelancer, this is so familiar because you're your own boss, you're pushing yourself, you wear so many hats. It's really hard to say, 'Oh sweetie, this is hard.' For all freelancers, this is hard! If there was a forum of freelancers, 'Didn't accomplish enough' would be number one.

"Whereas if you actually went through your day, you did this, you did that—'Oh, sweetie, this is hard.' It's hard to be a freelancer. It's hard to work on your own, to not have a network, to set your own schedule, to motivate yourself. As I say this, I see you're nodding. So sweetie, this is hard. I love you, and I know this is hard. You're doing your best, and it's okay so many things are not done. Try it for a week. If you become a couch potato, send me an email and let's chat. But try it. What do you have to lose? You've tried the other way, right?"

I want to read a couple more reflections from the chat. One reflection says: "My hand and my heart feels incredibly tender. I often looked for this compassion outside of myself. It is such a realization that I can give myself this compassion and love." Beautiful.

Another reflection: "I had a tight chest and the deep breathing, and your words loosened the tightness." Lovely. Compassion often does that.

And a final reflection: "I'm surprised at realizing how hard I have been on myself since childhood, and this awareness and realization is helping me to build a self-compassion practice. Thank you for guiding this meditation with such gentleness and kindness." You are so welcome. That is such an important realization, and it can be transformational for ourselves and for all those whose lives we touch.

Post-Breakout Reflections

The invitation I have for our practice is where the rubber meets the road. I invite you to please stretch yourselves to practice in community. As we go into breakout groups, spend a minute of compassion and care for others that you see with your eyes open, and let them receive you. This can be so powerful in healing. Connecting on Zoom, connecting with our common humanity across the world. Hold each other as these young versions of yourselves who are having challenges in the world. We all have challenges.

[Following the breakout rooms]

Welcome back everyone. We just have a couple minutes for comments.

Susan shared, "I really am glad we're doing this and I hope we extend it because I think it's so important and so hard sometimes. I want to name just how triggering it can be to touch into the memories of childhood. I'm grateful to be doing that with y'all."

"Thank you for naming that," I responded. "It can be very challenging, and it's nice to have community support. You're courageous to be gently going there, touching into the sorrow and the pain of the memories and holding them with compassion slowly, gently. Thank you for your deep practice, Susan."

Ariana said, "I just have to give public acknowledgment to the people in my group because they were so incredibly supportive when I shared kind of the tough stuff that came up in my sit. I'm really grateful for that."

"It touches my heart just to hear what magic happens in these small groups when all of you come together," I noted. "It brings so much joy, so much muditā^[2]—vicarious joy for me, hearing what is created by all of you for each other together. It's really heartwarming."

G added in the chat, "It is quite amazing, and I'm deeply grateful that it is possible to connect so deeply in the few minutes of breakout." Jerry agreed, "Likewise for my group, very supportive. Thanks so much everyone."

Let's dedicate the merit of our practice together. May the goodness generated from our attempting to meet ourselves with compassion serve ourselves and serve the world in meeting the world and others with compassion. May all beings be free and happy, including ourselves. Thank you.