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Happy Hour: Releasing Enmity in Entanglement

Introduction

A warm welcome to all of you, wherever in the world you are. Since the beginning of the year, we've been going through the categories of mettā^[1] one by one in concentric circles, and now we've moved to compassion. We've been going through the categories of practicing compassion for our friend, for ourselves, and for the neutral person, which we hung out with for three sessions.

Now we've come to a really important practice which might seem challenging, but it's actually really heart-opening, and we'll approach it very, very gently. It's the practice of contemplating compassion and care for someone whom we have a challenge with, seeing their humanity. Because we're all human beings, we all have challenges.

By seeing the humanity, by opening our hearts as much as possible—we're not going to force it to open to compassion and care, but ever so gently, as much as it's available—we see the common humanity of someone who's a little challenging. Of course, we're not going to choose the most challenging person in our lives; that will just topple us over. But choosing someone we have a little bit of challenge with as a start. Surprisingly, we'll find that we will experience more peace, more ease, more joy, and more connection ourselves.

So we don't do it as a service to them, but we're doing it for our own heart. We're doing it for the opening of our own heart so that when we are interacting with them or thinking of them, there is not a sense of fear or contraction or more pain. Either thinking about this person or interacting with them, there can be a sense of more peace, more ease, and even, if it's appropriate, some forgiveness.

Again, this is not to condone the harm that has been done. This practice of compassion is not about condoning any harm; it's about seeing their common humanity, that they too are a human being just like us. Yes, we've been hurt, and they've done things that have been unskillful. We can separate the intention, the actions, and the impact from the humanity of the person, and thereby offering ourselves more safety, and the way to actually work with reparations if they need to be made, to have a more sense of empowerment through practicing compassion.

It seems like a complex practice, but it's not as complex as perhaps conceptualized. As we feel into it, it will open up in ways that we don't expect.

As I guide us into this practice tonight, keep a couple of things in mind. One is: don't push it. At any point, if it becomes challenging for you, if a sense of lack of safety, anger, or upset comes up, then turn the compassion to yourself, because you're the one who's hurting in that moment. Turn the compassion to yourself.

I think that's it. Let's explore. Anything you need to know will be shared with you. Enjoy, take delight in this capacity of our heart to see the humanity of all human beings, even those we happen to be locked into some kind of entanglement with right now.

Reflections and Q&A

Thanks for your practice, everyone.

This can sometimes appear as a challenging practice, and yet it can be so heart-opening, offering us so much ease and freedom, safety in our own heart when the entanglement is a little softened. I would love to hear some reflections from you. How was this for you? Questions, comments, complaints. If you haven't shared in a while, you can raise your hand. Or if you can type in chat, you can chat publicly or just to me. If you just send me a chat, I won't say your name, I'll just read your reflection. Or you can raise your hand by going to reactions at the bottom or open the participants button.

So what came up? What arose? How did you find this? Insights, challenges, all welcome.

As I'm waiting for your reflections to come, I'll say that this practice is actually in the Visuddhimagga^[2] (Path of Purification) teachings. To think about something positive about the person you're having a challenge with—at first you think, "No, nothing positive! I don't want to think about something pleasant or positive about them." But then when you work with it, the heart really softens. It's magical, it's almost magical.

Kim says, "There was more ease after I imagined apologizing to them." Ah, thanks for sharing that, Kim. Interesting. Would you like to say more? You're welcome to if you wish, you don't have to. You can unmute yourself if you like, or pass. It's all good.

Kim: Not sure what more I can say. I realized that the entanglement was... there was a different cause from my side and her side. So I guess when I saw I was very judgmental of her, when I imagined myself apologizing to her, that loosened the tangles.

Nikki: Nice. Thank you for sharing that. That is quite an insight, that the entanglement was being kept in place by this judgment. And then when there was the softening of "I'm sorry," then everything kind of softened. So that's the transition. When I asked you if you would like to say more, that's exactly it! It's the observation of, "Oh, step by step, this is how the sausage is made, this is how entanglement is made." Brilliant. Thanks for sharing that insight, Kim.

And one reflection coming through the chat: "I was getting ready to say 'I forgive you' at the end of the practice, and didn't expect the wish for both of us to be free of pain." Okay, so you were getting ready and didn't expect that to be an instruction at the end. If you want to say more, you're welcome to type it in chat, or you're also welcome to unmute yourself if you wish. You don't have to raise your hand, but thank you for that. I'm also getting this sense of... oh, yes, you're unmuted. Go ahead, please.

Speaker 2: Yeah, I think I was realizing that I was also building expectation from the person and for the harm. I was getting ready to, you know, forgive and let go. But just that wish of, "I don't want to be in pain and I want to be free, and I don't want you to be in pain and free," was enough. It was liberating. I didn't need to forgive him or for him to forgive me.

Nikki: Thank you for sharing that. That's a very powerful insight, actually. Just as you said that, I got chills. The sense of, "Oh, just that wish of both of us being free." That is a co-forgiveness. Forgiveness somehow isn't needed anymore; it just becomes a part of this wish for both of us. It's not directional, it's just for both of us. Beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that. Powerful.

One more reflection in chat: "I'm just coming off of a mettā retreat, so I'm riding the wave of mettā. Lots of concentration, expansion, and care. It felt sweet overall to offer care to someone I have a very mild entanglement with." Beautiful. Great to hear about the wave of mettā and riding that wave, and overall the sweetness of offering this care. Yeah, this practice can be so beautiful, really so freeing.

Any last comments? Don says, "Wishing this person well makes it easier for me to interact with them. When I talk with this person, I specifically keep in mind this practice." Fantastic, that's great. I appreciate how there is the thinking of how to take this to the real world, how to interact with them. And it is freeing, it is so freeing. Thank you for sharing that, Don.

Such beautiful, wise reflections. I love this community and the wholehearted practice and the wisdom you share.

Community Connection

As a part of our community practice, we transition to practicing connecting with other people. This is an important part of Happy Hour, that we connect with others in the way of holding them, sharing with them, and then them holding us with care.

As I create the breakout rooms, maybe spend 30 seconds without any words just wishing each other well with eyes open, just looking at each other. Sharing mettā, sharing care for these fellow human beings who are just like you. They have entanglements just like you, we're not so different. So there's humor in that right, in the common humanity, "Oh, all this... oh dear fellow human beings."

And then as you wish, you can share as little or as much as you wish about your practice and be held in care by others, and hold them with affection and care in your heart. See how beautiful it can be to connect with people in this way. I'll create the breakout rooms, and it's usually just for six minutes or so, so it's pretty quick. Six plus one minute. I'm going to create the breakout rooms and I hope you don't jump off, and I hope you participate as this is a really beautiful practice.

(Breakout rooms commence)

Welcome back, everyone. Welcome back. We've got a couple of minutes for any reflections you might have about how the practice was. The practicing in groups, the first part of practice on your own, the reflections in groups. Would love to hear from you, especially if you're new to Happy Hour. Would love, love, love to hear from you, please. Anyone newish to Happy Hour?

Jim: It was my first session. Thank you very much, it was lovely to meet the group, and I really enjoyed the six minutes of small group sharing. It's nice to meet some people individually. Thank you.

Nikki: Great, lovely. Fantastic. Welcome to Happy Hour, Jim, and hope you come back and practice with us in the community. Lovely.

Lena: Thanks, Nikki, for giving this opportunity. It was beautiful. I really liked the group interaction as well, because in these times you tend to get very isolated. So practicing with everyone online and then getting to know them individually, it was really beautiful. Thank you so much for that.

Nikki: Great. Thank you, Lena. Thanks for showing up and being here, and supporting yourself and supporting others by showing up and sharing of yourself. It's a big gift we can give each other at this time of isolation. Yeah. Maybe one last reflection? Anyone else, please? Yes, Fred.

Fred: Whoops, I'm sorry... there I am, sorry. Yeah, I'm newish, and I was just noticing how in any exercise like this, there's always for me a little threshold to be crossed to talk with people I don't know in an intimate way. You know, there's always reluctance to cross it, and it's always worth doing in my experience. Again tonight.

Nikki: Thank you for sharing that, Fred, and exactly as you put it, that there is a threshold of discomfort to cross, and the sense that, "Ah, it was crossed," and a sense of delight and gratitude that comes up afterwards that the threshold was crossed. The way you put it is exactly how studies put it. Studies have been done for this phenomenon of practicing in groups in this way, and it tends to come up for a lot of people—that threshold. And after they do it, ah, there's such a sense of gratitude and gladness for having crossed it. So thank you for verbalizing as beautifully as you did.

So we have come to the end of the session's Happy Hour. Thank you so much for showing up, for practicing for your own sake, for the sake of all those whose lives you touch, and for the sake of those with whom you have some entanglement. May you all be safe, happy, and healthy. May all beings everywhere be free. Thank you all.