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Mindfulness of Breathing (20) Absorbed in Breathing

Continuing the topic of anapanasati^[1], mindfulness of breathing in and mindfulness of breathing out, we're moving into the territory now of the second tetrad^[2] where we train to experience joy as we breathe in, experience joy as we breathe out. And then we train to experience happiness as we breathe in, and experience happiness as we breathe out.

All along here, in all the sixteen steps, what they have in common is mindfulness while breathing in and mindfulness of breathing out. There's a connection to this rhythm of breathing in and out that goes on. As we move into the joy part, the happiness part, the sense of wellness and well-being that comes along, I think it's important to remember how important this rhythm of breathing in and breathing out is.

As I've said, the continuity of breathing keeps us in the present moment. Breathing is always a present-moment experience, and it keeps us going and moving along in the present. But it's also inconstant^[3]; there's a discontinuity because the in-breath is only there while you're breathing in, and the out-breath is only there when you're breathing out, and one leads to the other. There's this rhythm of one after the other. The sensations at the beginning of the in-breath are different than the end of the out-breath. The sensations at the beginning of the out-breath are different than the end of the out-breath.

So there's a constant change of sensations, of movement experienced in the body. Sometimes we're focusing mostly on the little spot of the chest or the belly; we feel the changing texture of sensations there. If we're aware more broadly, we might feel changing ways and places that are activated with sensations as we breathe. So there's both this constancy and this inconstancy with mindfulness of breathing: the constancy of the rhythm of breathing and the inconstancy of all the pieces of it, the subsets of it coming and going.

We can't hold onto any one part of the breathing without causing problems. If you hold onto the exhale, you never inhale, and so you run out of breath. If you hold onto the inhale—some people prioritize this and really don't want to let go at the top. It's going to be very, very subtle, but some people come to the top of the inhale and they don't really want to give up anything. They have a policy of holding everything; they want things for themselves. So there's a little subtle resistance there to let go.

Some people don't start the exhale because it's a kind of letting go. Especially at the end of the exhale, people get very, very subtly a little bit anxious there. Or there's a very subtle attitude maybe at the beginning of the in-breath: "No, I don't want to breathe in. It's just a bother, just more work, and now just leave me alone. There's enough input coming my way."

There can be very subtle attitudes in these cycles of breathing. If we get to a little bit of holding, perhaps a little bit of resistance, or a little bit of triggering of thoughts of fear, resistance, or aversion, and if you're really attentive, you can watch and see in that cycle where some little psychological thing is triggered. Occasionally, don't try too hard to look for it, but it's a little bit there.

Or if we start thinking about something else, and it's really preoccupying us as a major issue, you can feel the breath get held. We're still breathing in and out, but maybe it's all chest breathing and the belly is tight. There is this holding going on. But if you just stay with the inconstancy and the flow of breathing, remembering that this is constantly letting go, constantly opening up, constantly releasing, softening, and allowing the flow to go, it's a protection from getting attached to anything, getting hooked too much on things, getting caught in our thoughts, or caught in reactivity.

It's a way of keeping us limber, relaxed, loose, or not so caught. And it's by degrees; I don't think it's all or nothing. Slowly the breathing begins to massage us and begins to support the letting go.

With time, as the breathing becomes more like a flow that goes smoothly and easily, tuning into the breathing becomes a little bit like sitting at the edge of a river and just watching the rippling occurrence of the water flowing down the river. It's kind of like looking at a fire. Sometimes we can spend a long time just looking at the changing patterns of the water flow that are not that different from each other, but it's changing. It can be very relaxing. We're not necessarily trying to quiet our mind or stop thinking about anything, but just letting the attention get absorbed in and flowing with something that gets quieter and quieter and stiller.

The same thing happens with time as the breathing becomes more relaxed, more loose, more open, more flowing. With the inconstancy of the little wavelets of breathing on top of the constancy of the river of breathing, we get absorbed in it. We get pulled into it. It's not like we're just looking at the surface of water; what we're actually doing is sensing all the sensations that come alive as we breathe. Especially as we get settled in and really begin to settle into the present moment and stay with that rhythm and flow of breathing, there gets born pleasant sensations that can take the form of contentment, pleasure, joy, delight, or happiness. A sense of goodness, a glow, a warmth.

I know I'm repeating things I've said now, but I think it's worth repeating. Everyone will experience it a little bit differently. Some people might feel a glow in their chest as they settle into breathing. Some people might feel a warmth in their belly, something good. Some people, maybe it feels intense: a joyful tingling and delightful sensation in the nostrils as the air goes in and out. It gets more and more intense, the sharpness of the joy, of the pleasure that's there. It's almost a thrill. There might be a sense of location-less thrill throughout the body that comes as we really settle in and get absorbed, just like you'd get absorbed in watching the river.

My first experience of being absorbed and feeling the goodness of it was when I was about ten years old. I was living in a little town in Italy and I would take the public bus to school in town. We lived on the outskirts of town, and my bus stop was right near the very end of the line. I learned at some point that there was a driver and a conductor who sold tickets. The conductor would go up and down and sell tickets as people got on board, but when we got far enough outside the city that no new people were going to get on, the conductor would sit in a particular seat and do the accounting of all the different tickets he'd sold—a round trip, one way, children, senior citizens, whatever it might be. He had his ledger he'd write in.

I learned that if I sat in a particular seat behind his seat and looked over his shoulder to watch him do his accounting in his ledger, I would just start feeling so good. My chest would kind of glow in delight and joy, and I would feel so content. I felt safe and settled, and everything was right in the universe just watching him. I had no idea why. I didn't ever think about it. I just knew that if I sat there, I'd have this really good feeling.

Many years later, when I started meditating, I realized that I was getting absorbed in this very simple thing that he was doing. Maybe I was tapping into his concentration on working. But just the movement of his pencil on the paper and his focus on it, somehow I got absorbed. It wasn't like trying to get concentrated. I didn't know I was getting absorbed. It was just like my world got so content and happy and settled watching him, his pencil, and his piece of paper.

So this maybe captures a little bit the sense of what's possible in breath meditation as we get into this fifth and sixth step. We're not trying too hard; it's almost like we're just sitting back and watching on a nice quiet day with nothing to do, nothing to be, just watching the river or the conductor do his ledger on the bus, and allowing ourselves to include the good feelings that come with that.

Now remember, they don't come automatically and right away. The first four steps of anapanasati are always the default. The basic default is the first two: just becoming familiar with the breathing and developing the capacity to stay a little bit in the present moment with things. We're always going back to the beginning, and you might go back to the beginning during some sittings. It was one way in the beginning, and then we're back near the beginning at the end because who knows all the ways that things change in our mind and body? Don't have some idea that it's linear or that it has to be a certain way. Don't be in a rush.

But when you're settled enough and present enough, then at some point the fifth and sixth steps might be relevant. This idea of gently allowing yourself to be absorbed in that, feeling the goodness of that, and letting the breathing in and breathing out always go on. That rhythm keeps you from getting attached and wanting, keeps you loose and limber in the mind. Stay with that flow in and out, and then let that rhythm of breathing in and out move through or with the goodness that's there as well. Let that grow and be expansive, so it can include all the challenges as well, without us needing to be preoccupied with the challenges or caught by them or needing to fix them. They're just there in a relaxed way.

Reflections

I hope that you'll feel contentment. Perhaps the assignment for the next twenty-four hours is that maybe you can look for more opportunities to have contentment in your day. I suspect that you can do it, even if it's for a minute or so. You'll have more opportunities if you look for them and hang out with them a little bit. That contentment in your daily life will maybe support you to feel this meditative goodness and contentment that supports a deepening of this practice.

Thank you very much, and I look forward to our time tomorrow.