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Happy Hour: Brightening the Mind-Heart

Welcome to happy hour! I've missed you all. I've been not far; I've been steeped in Dharma. Last week, I was teaching a residential retreat at Spirit Rock on befriending mortality and mindfulness of death, which as many of you know is a topic that I love. Metta^[1] and death—these are the two topics I love to teach about, and many other ones, but these two especially.

So the topic I wanted to bring in for our reflection tonight in metta, in loving-kindness, is perhaps inspired from the retreat, but is also inspired from some reflections I've had in my own life recently. When we know our time is short, the practice of metta is one way to beautify our mind, a way to gladden our mind. For us to learn what it means to gladden our hearts and minds, both in daily life as a resource, and when we have challenges, difficulty, and pain, and of course at death, too. But really, it's a support for our life, learning how to beautify and gladden our mind through metta and kindness for ourselves and others.

The way that this other reflection of brevity—our time—comes in, is as you reflect, as we will do in the guided meditation together with mindfulness of the body and the breath as we settle in. The practice of knowing life is short. What's happening right now in my mind stream? Am I stressed? Am I worrying? Am I having ill-will feelings? If this was my last moment in life, if it was my last breath, is this what I want to be spending my time doing? Worrying or planning ad nauseam? How do I want to be spending this precious time? If this were my last moment, is whatever is happening right now how I want to be spending it? Is this what I want to be cultivating?

Of course, metta—thoughts of kindness for ourselves, for others, love, forgiveness, vicarious joy, all the Brahma-viharas^[2], equanimity^[3]—are all these beautiful states that beautify the mind and heart. Both for any moment, whether it's the last moment of our lives, the last breath, or as we create our own karma, as we weave the future moments, as we precondition the future moments. If in this moment we have a kind thought, a generous thought, a thought of forgiveness, and all the beautiful heart qualities, we precondition ourselves to have more of those feelings and thoughts towards ourselves and others in the future moments. Whatever thoughts you have now precondition you to have more of those in the minutes, hours, days, and years to come.

So, there are lots of ways to relate to the beauty, to the value of practicing the Brahma-viharas: metta, loving-kindness; compassion, karuṇā^[4]; mudita^[5], vicarious joy; and upekkhā^[6].

I think that's all I want to say to set up the stage for our practice tonight. Let's practice together. No more words—well, there will still be guided meditation words, but no more Dharma talk. Let's practice together.

Guided Meditation

I would like to invite you to settle into your posture for practice. Relaxingly sitting upright, allowing your back to be straight, as if it's pulled up by an invisible string. A sense of integrity, sitting up like a mountain. Letting your feet be stable on the earth, touching the earth. Feeling your sitting bones, where you sit on, connected to the earth via the chair or the cushion. And releasing, releasing the weight of your upper body onto your sitting bones.

For a few minutes, just feel the bottom of your feet and the earth, the bottom of your sit bones connected. Where does the earth beneath my feet begin and my toes end? Feeling the weight. We might have seen helium balloons that are light and go up in the sky, and often there's a weight attached to the helium balloon to bring stability to it. Let your body be that weight, that counterweight that stabilizes the helium balloons of thought and distractions. Your body is a wonderful counterweight.

Let yourself enjoy the breath. Enjoy the breath moving through this body. When the mind enjoys what it's doing, when the heart enjoys the practice, it relaxes like a baby who's well cared for, well fed. Let each breath be nourishing, filling your body with sensations.

Balloons keep drifting, it's okay, no problem. Maybe you can untie some of them and let them float free. It's okay, that's right, release them. Back to the body, to the breath. So calming, soothing, enjoyable. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. Just enjoy, appreciate being here, being breathed.

Spend another couple of minutes just settling, releasing the body, any tension in the body. Forehead, jaw, neck, shoulders, hands, chest, abdomen, sit bones, legs, feet. Releasing, releasing with each out-breath. We become grounded, present, before we turn to metta.

Feel stability, especially as you release grasping and holding. Taking refuge in yourself, in the infinity of this moment, and the Buddha nature of this being who is me, and the Sangha community here.

And now let's turn our hearts, our minds, our attention first to gladdening our heart-mind, our citta^[7]. Gladdening via reflecting on our own goodness. Seeing yourself externally from the outside. This person knows you. Reflecting on something kind or generous you've done recently or some time ago, it doesn't matter. Maybe an act of forgiveness or generosity, however small. Maybe you said some kind words to someone or to yourself. Maybe you did something nice for someone, helped them out. And maybe you were kind to yourself, and didn't give yourself a hard time about something, very gentle, forgiving.

Reflecting on the goodness of any of these, as if it were your best friend you're appreciating. And let it in, let your own goodness in.

And appreciating also now your intentions. Your intentions for cultivating kindness, compassion, wisdom, generosity, friendship, support, integrity, virtue, and any beautiful values that are important to you. Let yourself see this, recognize this goodness. From this place of goodness, let your heart-mind be uplifted. Aspiration for goodness uplifts the mind, uplifts the heart.

Goodness, wishing yourself well. May this goodness within me increase. May the aspiration for goodness increase. May it never wane. I wish myself more goodness. I wish myself well.

And similarly, bring to mind someone who's dear to you. Maybe a good friend, a benefactor, anyone from whom you've received kindness. You appreciate them, their goodness, their inner beauty, their kindness, their wisdom. Let yourself feel uplifted that such goodness exists in the world. Such kindness, such friendship, such care, such brightness, virtue, whatever it is. Appreciating this being, this person, their goodness, whether present or past, it doesn't matter. There has been this goodness in your life. This being exists or has existed. Let your heart be uplifted. And from this place of goodness, wishing this person well, or letting feelings of gratitude arise for them. Uplifting your heart, your mind. This is heaven. This is the Brahma-viharas, heaven on earth.

And now maybe you get to see your own goodness through this person's eyes. How do they see you? How do they see your goodness, your values, your inner beauty? Let yourself see your goodness through their eyes. Don't shy away. Who are you to get in your own way? However they see you, appreciate you, respect you, love you—let yourself be seen. As if reflecting through these mirrors, them seeing you, you seeing them seeing you, let yourself appreciate your own goodness through their eyes, what they see in you.

Let your light shine. By letting our light shine, the goodness in us, not belittling it, but by seeing and appreciating it, it's not an act of ego, but seeing goodness helps goodness increase. Brightening the heart and mind, feeding the goodness, the brightness.

And from that perspective, wishing yourself well. May this being who is me, may they be well. And including the person, this dear being whom you're including, wishing them well too. May both of us let our light shine onto the world, our goodness. May we support each other in more goodness in the world if possible.

And as if you were witnessing, observing lots of points of light on this planet Earth. As if you're an astronaut from space, all these points of light, all these beings, human beings, beings with their values, with their intentions. So many beautiful intentions. Let your mind see the good. Let your mind open up to the wholeheartedness, to the good. So many beings who care for each other on this planet. They care for loved ones, family. So many acts of care across the globe.

And if your mind goes towards "but there are challenges and cruelty," yes, I know, we know. But in this practice right now, returning towards the good to uplift the heart and mind. The other practice can be a practice of compassion another time. Right now, seeing the good in yourself, in the world, many other beings. So many blessings, so much goodness, so much giving and receiving, so much generosity. From this place, wishing all beings well. May all beings everywhere be well. May they wake up just as I wish to wake up. May all beings wake up to their own goodness.

Letting myself appreciate how brief our life really is on this planet. How little time we have to act in goodness, make a change, even if it's just a small change for one person. May we all wake up to the preciousness and the enormous goodness.

Zen Story and Reflections

Before I open the space for reflections, I wanted to share a little story that my co-teacher Beth shared on the retreat we were just teaching. I'll paraphrase it. It's a Zen story. In Zen stories, there are often two archetypes: the warrior archetype and a monk archetype. So in this story, there is a samurai, a warrior, that is very full of themselves and goes to a monk and says, "Tell me everything you know about heaven and hell." And the monk says, "To you?" It doesn't really show the samurai the respect that he feels he deserves.

So the samurai gets really angry. He pulls out his sword and is about to cut the head of the monk off. And the monk, still with a lot of equanimity, stands and says, "Ah, that's hell." Delighted at this insight, "Oh yeah, this is a state of hell. I'm angry and wow, how quickly that happened, and I don't want to be angry," a smile shows up on the face of the samurai, having gotten the deep wisdom of what hell is. So he smiles, and the monk goes, "That's heaven."

Such a simple description of heaven and hell in this realm, in this body. The Brahma-viharas, the gladdening of the heart, are heavenly states. And when we're angry, upset, blaming, self-recriminating, or in so many difficult states of mind, that's hell. So it's helpful to just call it that sometimes. If you find yourself in these hellish states of mind, like, "Oh sweetheart, this is hell. Do you really want to be in hell? Do you want to be perpetuating states of hell?" Drop it, just drop it. And turn—you have a choice—turn the mind towards wholesome states, towards heavenly states of mind, forgiveness, kindness.

I'm sure there are many questions that can arise, but I'll just leave it at that and open now for reflections. What came up for you in the meditation? You can either type them in chat or you can raise your Zoom hand.

Q&A and Discussion

Stephanie: Great meditation. Thank you, Stephanie.

Katrin: Hi, great to see you again. Thank you. I was just on a retreat, and the practice was so much about being with whatever arose without judgment. And so I wonder about the punchline of that story. I feel caught in myself^[8] [Laughter] being with that, and I don't know if you would agree, but that awakening is holding heaven and hell as all one, or being in equanimity with whatever's arising, and how that's not contradictory to cultivating wholesome states of mind.

Nikki: Yes, yes, and I think that is beautiful. Yes. And I think awakening holds that, includes that, but it's more than that. I wouldn't equate awakening with equanimity. I think equanimity is something that arises from awakening, and also equanimity leads to states of awakening, but they're not equivalent. So I wouldn't say that equanimity is awakening. Yeah, but they're definitely related.

But I think the point you're really trying to make is an important one. I expected someone to bring it up, and I'm glad you have, Katrin. Which is the sense that, yes, these unwholesome states arise, and by shaming ourselves and pushing them away, it doesn't really help. And yet, in our practice we do try to cultivate wholesome states, and yet unwholesome states are going to arise. So how do we work with them skillfully? And one way to work with them skillfully is through equanimity, and there are many other skillful ways to work with them. But I think the point you're trying to bring in from the retreat that you just sat is not to shame ourselves because of the negative states of mind. Absolutely, that's an important point. But to work with them skillfully with wisdom, with mindfulness, with vipassana^[9], and also with compassion. So I think that point stands. Two more hands, I see Jesse, please.

Jesse: Thanks for this practice today. Normally this works pretty well for me, but what was coming up really strongly for me today... I wanted to ask about pre-practice attachments. This experience came up for me where, when I was four years old, I had a balloon tied to my wrist and it flew away. I lost the balloon and I was really sad. At the time I was like, "I'm four years old and I really wanted this balloon, it was really important to me." But that was coming up now today in this present moment experience, and it didn't really feel appropriate to be talking about dukkha^[10] and letting go to this four-year-old child. So I was just wondering about when memories come up from childhood that predate my Buddhist practice, how to practice compassion in those moments.

Nikki: I appreciate that. And maybe it came up because in the invitations I was sharing the image of "let the balloons fly away," and maybe that helped bring in this memory that you had many years ago and the sense of grief and then the letting go came up. So, I think there are multiple things. One is, there's a four-year-old that you couldn't talk to about letting go and how things come and things go. But now, that four-year-old within you, you can talk to them. There is an older and wiser Jesse who understands things arise and pass away. So that's part of reparenting ourselves with kindness, with compassion. So it's actually quite a gift that this came up, because there's something in there that can be a younger version of you, and those deep memories, to relearn yourself with kindness, with care, the truth of impermanence. Beautiful, thank you. Thanks Jesse. Fred, please.

Fred: Thank you. Welcome back Nikki, it's great to have you back. As I was picturing the people who I envisioned being purveyors of kindness and other good things, I feel them very richly and with a lot of detail and a real felt sensibility. There's nothing theoretical about it. When I return to myself, it's not as though I'm skeptical of those virtues in myself, but I don't experience it with the same richness as I do looking at someone else. And when I tried using the eyes of the other person to see me like that, it didn't quite pull it together for me either. And I wonder if you have a...

Nikki: Thank you, thanks for sharing that. I wonder when you tried the eyes of the other person instead of just your own eyes directly, whether that was any more effective, even if a tiny bit more effective in seeing your own goodness. A tiny bit is better than zero. That tends to help actually. So I would say, Fred, hang in there with that, with seeing yourself through the eyes of another, but really, really taking their perspective. Like letting go of your own perspective completely and really doing perspective-taking. It can take a little while, and this was a relatively short meditation. But really taking a while to do that perspective-taking from their perspective. Something kind that you did, and then really feeling into it: "Yes, they really see me as kind or generous or thoughtful, and that thing I did for them really made a difference." Really lean into the perspective-taking. It can take a little while. Don't make it just black and white. Because I think we just did a graphite, a little black and white drawing, but really pull out the watercolors and make it as vivid as you possibly can.

Fred: Okay, thank you.

Nikki: Thank you, Fred. Thanks so much. There was one last... oh, we should go into practice if it's too late, but one person has asked about how people confuse kindness for weakness. Which is not true, because kindness really includes ourselves as 360 degrees. So it's that that often comes out with a sense of confusing kindness with weakness. And maybe I'll talk more about it next time, but you know, kindness is 360 degrees and includes yourself. And when you are kind to yourself, you're not letting people take advantage of you.

So we need to turn to small groups right now, otherwise we'll have no time for the breakout groups, folks. Thank you for reflections, thank you for everyone who's spoken. So I'm going to make the groups, and here is the invitation. The invitation is that we will speak about goodness. Some other person's goodness. Having seen their goodness, what does it feel like when you see someone else's goodness? How does that light up your heart when you reflect on and really appreciate someone else's goodness? Speak from your own experience. What came up for you in this practice? So I'm going to open all the rooms. Take care of each other, take care of yourselves.

Dedication of Merit

Okay, the rooms are all closed. Everybody's back. It's seven o'clock, we had lots of reflections, and so I think respecting the time, let's close now. Thank you all for your practice, for joining to gladden your minds and hearts in service of both yourself and all beings. When our minds are uplifted and filled with goodness, when we see our own goodness, we can be a better force for good in the world. May all beings be well. May all beings be happy. Dedicating the blessings, the merit. Thanks everyone, take good care.