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Happy Hour: Befriending Our Mind

Hi everyone. Hello and welcome to Happy Hour. It is lovely to see you, to be with you in this moment in time, whatever your time zone might be.

For the theme today, I'd like to invite us to explore befriending our mind. When I say our mind, it's a mind-heart. The word citta^[1] from Pali we often translate just to "mind," but it's really mind-heart. This practice is about befriending ourselves. In some ways, we can think of this practice as training ourselves in befriending: befriending our minds, befriending ourselves, befriending others. It's a practice of befriending.

Especially when we bring the practice of insight, or vipassanā^[2], which is mindfulness, it is a way of seeing. Seeing our thoughts, seeing what's arising in our mind, in our body, in our heart, and befriending. The whole of this practice perhaps could be summarized as befriending our minds, befriending our hearts, befriending ourselves, and others.

In order to befriend, in order to notice what's happening, there needs to be at first some stability in our attention, in our awareness. There needs to be some stability to even know, to even notice what is going on. To notice if there are thoughts that are not helpful. To notice if there are thoughts that are downright judgmental and berating, and not believe them, instead of just believing them and going with them. There is some stability in our awareness that is needed in order to befriend, in order to have enough wisdom and know-how to realize, "Oh yeah, this is happening, this is not really helpful."

So with that, the invitation for today's practice is to start with stabilizing with the breath in the framework of the body, and then opening to this process of befriending ourselves, befriending what arises. That's what we'll be doing.

Guided Meditation

Let's begin. Arriving, if you need to move or shift so that you are comfortable. Arriving in this moment in time. Arriving in this body.

Letting there be a sensitive presence, stability with the breath. Awareness connecting with just this in-breath, intending to be with this in-breath, the entirety of the breath. And then intending to know, to feel the entirety of this out-breath. Reconnecting again with the renewed intention for this in-breath, feel the whole thing. Connect with the intention to feel the entire out-breath.

Retraining our minds to pay attention. It doesn't take so much effort. We will notice if we gently reconnect with this intention for just this in-breath. It's a light reconnection, steady but light. Steady but light reconnection with intention.

Reconnecting gently with our intention to feel the entire in-breath, the entire out-breath, at the beginning of each. Not heavy, it doesn't have to last very long, this intention. It's gentle and persistent.

If we notice that the mind is resting on a thought or a memory, it's okay. Let there be no judgment, no berating, but gladness for the moment of awareness. Celebrating, delighting in the moment of reconnecting with intention. You have a choice: you can berate yourself that you've been gone, or you can delight at your return^[3]. Choose what's helpful.

Just this in-breath. Just this out-breath.

Calming, nourishing, knowing it as if it's a friend. The breath as a friend.

Our awareness, our attention, with knowing the breath, the feeling of the breath in the body. Feeling this in-breath, feeling this out-breath, the entirety of it. Let this sphere of awareness become a little wider, including the body. Including sounds. Let the sensations of the breath still be the anchor, but let the sphere of awareness be wider, more spacious.

Including thoughts. Thoughts can arise and pass, not to be entangled in them, but to recognize them. Can we be friendly? Can we be friendly towards sounds, towards sensations in the body, towards thoughts? Befriending our mind and heart. Being friendly doesn't mean that we entertain them or indulge in them. But it means that if they are not supportive—and entanglement and thinking while meditating is not supportive—we release them. We don't believe them.

If there are doubts, "I can't do this," or you're confused, or "you're bad," or whatever judgment it might be. Thoughts of the past and future. "Thank you thoughts, you're trying to be supportive and helpful, to protect me." You can release, you can let go. It's okay. It's really okay. "Dear thought," the way you would relate to a friend. Befriending our thoughts, befriending our mind, befriending our body, our heart.

So again, let the breath in the body be the anchor. Let the sphere of friendly awareness be wider.

Sitting, steadying the awareness with the breath. The wide sphere of friendliness with whatever arises.

Let our heart relax. Let our heart relax into friendliness for ourselves. Goodwill, kindness, and compassion, if needed. If it's hard right now to soften, soften into friendliness, care.

What needs to be held? What needs to be held with friendliness, with kindness, with compassion in this sphere of awareness right now? Maybe just an acknowledgment that this is hard. Befriending our mind, befriending ourselves.

As we bring this sit to a close together, consider: what was one way that you explored befriending your mind in this practice? Maybe it was not believing a judgmental thought, not getting entangled. Maybe having more kindness or compassion for yourself. Maybe trying to steady your awareness with the breath, or something else. Acknowledging, appreciating your own goodness, your own wholeheartedness in this practice, in this exploration.

Together sharing this goodness, the planting of these seeds, not just to ourselves for our own awakening, for our own well-being, but to all beings everywhere. May my goodness, may my cultivation in friendliness and stability, be of service in ways I can't fathom, to all beings everywhere. May all beings be well, may all beings be free, including myself.

Thanks everyone. Thank you for your practice.

Small Group Practice

The theme we explored together was the theme of befriending. Befriending our minds, our hearts, ourselves. First we established some stability of the mind, of attention with the breath in the body. I invited you to try to connect with your intention at the beginning of each in-breath, beginning of each out-breath, because that can be a very helpful approach to steady the attention, steady the awareness. Especially if you find your minds going every which way, that reconnection with intention can be helpful. Then we opened the sphere of awareness to kindness, goodwill, friendliness, relaxing into it wherever it was needed—the thought space, heart space, body space.

As we turn to practicing in small groups and exploring the Dharma together, the invitation is this: at the end, I asked you, what was one way where befriending was helpful today? One way to befriend your mind. So if you'd like, when we come into small groups together, the first thing is really showing up with befriending. Befriending yourself, befriending each other. A space of friendliness, a space of kindness. Maybe you don't say anything, maybe you just show up with silence, but a sense of friendliness.

When it comes time to speak, if you want to say something about your practice, what you discovered today about one way to befriend your mind, you're welcome to share that one nugget. And then the next person, and then the next person. Please feel free to share from your own experience, but without asking questions or directing the conversation. Just show up either with silence or what you want to share, just a nugget. Make sure everybody has the chance to speak. It will come to you again if you share one nugget, so you'll go around a few times. Let's go in alphabetical order according to first name. And again, be kind, befriending your mind. If your mind in the middle of talking says, "You're talking too much," say, "Okay, thank you." Be kind to yourself in real time, and be kind to each other in real time.

So with that, I'm going to create the breakout rooms. It'll take me a quick moment. Okay, and again, be kind to yourself, be kind to one another. And here we go.

Reflections

Okay, the rooms are all closed. Everybody's back. Welcome back everyone.

We have some time for reflections. What did you discover from the practice? Your reflection at the end of the guided meditation, from discussing with one another. If you haven't spoken in the group, you're welcome to raise your hand, your Zoom hand. If it's your physical hand I may not see, there are many of you. You're also welcome to type in the chat, either to everyone or just to me. If it's just to me privately, I will read the reflection but not your name, if that's what you prefer.

So, what did you discover befriending your mind? So many tools.

Bill says, "When my mind wandered, my response was to be amused rather than annoyed." Yay! Oh, that is so much more skillful. That is so great, Bill. Humor is terrific. I see the hearts showing up in Zoom, this is so great. So happy for you, Bill. This is a transformation really, a huge transformation not to be annoyed but to be amused. Like, "Okay, here goes this mind," and not giving it so much power. Not getting annoyed—this aversion is a type of aversion—not giving it power. With the mindset of being amused, it's much easier to actually steady it. It's so much easier to steady when we don't get annoyed, we get amused. Delighted for your practice, Bill. This is exciting, great.

I see Fred and Barbara.

Fred: Hi Nikki, thank you. I just found your suggestion to focus on the positive, to note that I'm happy to return to the breath, really helpful. As I was saying in our smaller group, maybe it's just because I eliminated by half or more all of that muted, not quite articulated, negative impulse around, "Oh, I've drifted off again," you know? I mean, how many times can that negative pulse be there in the course of thirty minutes? So much. And to then experience the positive was really buoying, and I was able to more happily be present in the very simple breath. So thank you.

Nikki: Thank you, Fred. I am dancing with joy as you're sharing your insight. I'm truly dancing with joy. This is a significant insight what you just discovered in your own practice. It's natural unfortunately, as humans for us to lean into, "Ah, I wandered again. Oh, mind wandered again. Oh, you know, that ouch." But we have a choice. We can lean into that, or we can lean into, "Yay, wow, I'm aware! I'm awake! I'm going to learn this moment." You know, it's fifty-fifty, just as you pointed out. And when we lean into the ouch, then it just kind of sags the energy and "I can't do this." But when we lean into the celebration, it completely shifts our practice. It just completely shifts. So I'm both dancing with joy for you, and for you having articulated it so powerfully for the community. Yes, when we lean into that... so thank you Fred, that's just lovely. Yay!

Someone sent me a note: "Assume you know that your suggestion is practiced by therapists. We use a form of therapy called cognitive emotional therapy." I'm not surprised, Claire. There are so many practices from cognitive emotional therapy which are taken from Buddhism, and you know, we're interweaving. I didn't know this was used there, but hey, I'm a Buddhist so I'm just claiming it! [Laughter] But who knows, maybe this has been infused into the Dharma teachers' lingo from cognitive emotional therapy. I don't know, it's all good. It's all wisdom that works.

Christine, please.

Christine: Thank you, Nikki. I enjoyed this tonight. I was at the beach today, and you know when we were practicing that ebb and flow that came in and out today, it was a beautiful day there. I have some family—a few sisters that are having some health issues, and my mind was trying not to ruminate on everything that could be going on there. Just walking on the beach today, it was just like, you know, it ebbs and it flows, and I'm still here, they're still here. I got home about ten minutes before it started today as I got back from the shore, and it's a great day today. Having this as the end of my day, it was just a real blessing. So thank you.

Nikki: Beautiful. Thank you so much for bringing that into the space, this ebb and flow, Christine. This sense of equanimity. Ebb and flow with gratitude, with equanimity, and it's a way of befriending. It's a way of befriending it all, befriending the ebb and the flow. Beautifully said, thank you so much.

Amy shares, "This practice today was really supportive for me. I feel the mettā^[4] reverberating through me. Mahalo." Ah, thank you Amy. That makes me so happy that this was supportive and the mettā is reverberating through you. Very sweet, Mahalo.

And John on YouTube says, "Happy that annoyance becomes briefer and briefer with practice. Thanks so much." You are so welcome, John. Yay! It does become briefer. This is just lovely. This practice works. It works, we just hang in there with patience. It's not overnight, and it does transform us.

So thank you all. Thank you for your practice, your patience, your perseverance, your befriending yourselves, your minds, your hearts, and everyone around. May we all be well, may we all be free, and may the seeds be planted to serve all beings everywhere.

Thanks everyone.