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Happy Hour: Metta and Equanimity

Okay. So, welcome everyone. A warm welcome to happy hour wherever in the world you are in this moment. Happy you're joining us for practicing together in community. I've been reflecting how happy-making happy hour has been for me, of sharing it with you. Whatever arises, regardless of that, just being together and practicing is a cause for joy.

So the theme for today, for this practice and this hour, is continuing, or perhaps concluding, the exploration we've been doing together with exploring metta: loving-kindness, warmth, care, love, kindness, goodwill. So many different ways to translate this beautiful word from Pali, metta, to English. So many different nuances for this feeling of the heart, for care, for friendliness, goodwill to ourselves and to others.

We've been exploring the relationship between metta—kindness, warmth, friendliness—and the ten paramis^[1], the ten beautiful qualities of the heart that the Buddha teaches. We've been going through them, exploring the relationship between metta and these various qualities. For example, we did patience, we did virtue (or non-harming, rather). And the tenth parami, which is what we have arrived at for tonight, is the quality of equanimity. Equanimity.

Tonight we'll be exploring in the guided practice and the guided meditation that I will lead—no experience whatsoever needed. We'll explore the relationship between cultivating the sense of care, warmth, appreciation together, or one as the precursor of the other: metta and equanimity, this quality of expansiveness of the heart and mind.

And I'll just say a couple of words about equanimity. You might be asking, what is equanimity anyway? It sounds so mighty. Equanimity. The word in Pali is upekkhā^[2]. And roughly translated from Pali, it is having an expansive view, having a wider perspective. I usually like to relate to equanimity as if you had a bird's-eye view on your life, on the world, all the happenings, all the causes and conditions. Feeling that in your body, compared to having a small hole of a perspective on your life, on something that's happening where we get so caught and so tight, so afraid. Instead, when we expand our perspective, the sense of spaciousness, ah, the body, the mind, the heart can relax in all the causes and conditions that have led to whatever is happening. And with that sense of perspective, as if you're sitting on the top of the mountain and watching what's going on, there's a sense of spaciousness. There can be a sense of equanimity in the midst of it all.

Sometimes people think that equanimity is aloof, or it's cold, or it's distanced from what is happening. Not so, actually, as we will explore tonight. It is related to metta. In fact, both equanimity and metta (kindness) are part of what are called the brahmaviharas^[3], the heavenly abodes. These four beautiful practices of the heart. They also belong to a different list, which is the paramis. They both share—they're both on these lists. But what I wanted to say is that they are on the brahmaviharas list together because they're related.

And when we practice equanimity, we realize that actually the sense of aloofness and not caring—like, "Oh yeah, things are as they are"—is not true equanimity. It's a sense of lack of care. It's a disconnection. True equanimity has warmth, has a sense of care. If we didn't care, we wouldn't be holding witness. We wouldn't be staying with... we wouldn't be holding witness and seeing all the causes and conditions and all that's arising. We wouldn't be staying with whatever is arising. So there's a sense of care, warmth, steadiness of the heart, a sense of metta already in equanimity.

And to say that equanimity also needs to be a part of metta, because if there is no equanimity, if there is no steadiness in metta, then we can veer into attachment. We can veer into wanting, where we really, really want something. We really want the person to be happy or well. We want ourselves to be happy. There's a sense of tightness. A tightness arises around metta. Whereas we cultivate this practice of friendliness without any attachment, with expansiveness of the heart, which is part of equanimity.

So I've said a lot of words. Let the words go. We'll just explore together now.

Reflections

Thank you all. I'd like to invite you, if there are any reflections you'd like to share from exploring the relationship between metta and equanimity in this way. We first established for ourselves the sense of goodwill, the sense of metta, very light, receiving and giving metta, of just a sense of goodwill, a sense of goodwill. And then watching the movie of our lives, a moment of it, something that happened on the screen, with a sense of spaciousness, to really connect in a physical way with a sense of equanimity.

I'll share something from my own practice tonight which I really enjoyed. I was in a Zoom meeting earlier today with lots of individuals and opinions and discussions, and that came up for me to see in the movie of my life, and having care, having goodwill for every participant, for myself included, with my ideas and different ideas from other people. Just a goodwill for everyone. Sense of, "Oh, look at all these beings doing their best." So a sense of equanimity, not being caught in it, but a sense of goodwill, sharing that. So for me, that was quite actually lovely to experience today, with this emphasis on the metta perspective. So you're welcome to unmute yourself and share any reflections or questions that you have, or type it in chat. Go.

Also, your reflection might just be one word or a phrase, something that's coming up for you. You're welcome to put that in chat.

Thank you, Bill. "Feeling love balanced by perspective." Balance. Beautiful. Thank you, Bill. I appreciate that. Yeah, it's really... yeah, metta and equanimity. They're really both parts of each other. They are inseparable, completely inseparable. And it's just as you describe, feeling love balanced by perspective, a bigger perspective. Thank you for that.

Other reflections? What's coming up for you? What came up for you? Anything?

Participant: So, equanimity felt lighter than metta. You know, I'm not quite sure if that's the right word, you know? I mean, it didn't feel as entangled, perhaps. I don't know.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's great actually, because that's how metta needs to feel. So, your metta probably needs more equanimity to balance it so that it doesn't feel so entangled. And of course, with the practice of metta, entanglements will come up, will be purified. The mind and the heart will work through them. But when metta feels pure, it does feel unentangled. It's just offered freely. So really appreciating that you observe that difference is really important. Remember how that felt: love without entanglement, or care without entanglement. Yeah. Thank you.

Participant: So I've heard an analogy. Metta is like the first time you hold the new puppy. You feel all the emotions. And then the puppy starts playing and you're delighted at how much fun the puppy is, so your delight is participatory joy. And the puppy hurts a paw and then squeaks, and you feel the pain and you want to help, so you go help. So that's compassion. And then you give the puppy as much food as is healthy for him to have at that time, but he's all mournful and wants more and he's sad. And you care, but there's nothing to do about it. So that's... in this analogy, that's equanimity. So what do you think of that analogy?

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, it's a fun analogy. And in terms of equanimity, there are lots of different ways to relate to equanimity. And, you know, given limited time, equanimity sometimes can be related to as, yes, when suffering is so great that compassion really becomes equanimity, the spaciousness with care and love holding it, but not much can be done. That's one way to relate to it. But also there are many other ways to relate to it as well, as actually seeing that equanimity needs to be present in every moment of metta, as well as the vicarious joy, mudita^[4], there needs to be equanimity. And also with compassion, in every moment there needs to be equanimity, otherwise one will get into empathic distress. So equanimity is part of all of these and has this stabilizing caring. And all of those are also part of equanimity, this bigger picture. So yeah, lovely analogy and it's part of the bigger picture. Thank you.

Yeah, Erica offers, "I don't usually think of causes and conditions in relation to spaciousness. And I think something shifted when I felt the vast interconnectedness of everything." Oh, that's lovely. So the correction, the typo... So something shifted when you felt the vast interconnectedness of everything. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing that, Erica. That sounds quite profound. A shift in perspective. Beautiful.

If you'd like to add anything, you're welcome to. And if anybody else likes to add something, we'll take one more beat pause.

Participant: It seems like bringing emphasis to equanimity made the metta feel more sustainable. It's like it gives it a kind of momentum that's... it starts to seem like something, "Oh, I don't have to try to do this. This is just here and it's about noticing it more than doing it in." Does that make sense?

Nikki Mirghafori: Absolutely it makes sense. Thank you, Lori. That's great. Yeah, that sense of effortlessness that comes into metta when there's high equanimity, when there's no entanglement, it frees up energy and it's like, "Oh, it's already here. I don't have to do it. It's just I have to realize it, feel into it. Oh, yeah. Goodwill. It's here, available, beautiful." Thanks so much for sharing that, and experiencing that, so that you can... that experience can be moved forward. It's yours now. It's opened a different perspective, a different door, a different way of relating to metta. That's lovely. Thank you all.

Breakout Groups

So, let's switch to our practice and community in small groups. So tonight's invitation is to be versed, to be stable in your goodwill for yourself, very mild. You don't have to produce it, right? Just as Lori was observing, a sense of goodwill for yourself and for others. A sense of equanimity or spaciousness, as if this was the movie of your life that you're watching for the next six minutes in these groups. Like there's care for you as a protagonist, care for these beings, and there's no attachment to what you're going to say or what they're going to say, or sounding smart or dumb. Just like, "Oh yeah," there's a sense of spaciousness. Like, ah, appreciating goodwill for all the causes and conditions. And this can be profound. So check it out, just play in this sandbox and see what it feels like. Maybe you can take this in your daily life.

So I'm going to create the Zoom rooms, and if you're curious, please stay and try it out. Oh, and the prompt is: What did you discover in the relationship between metta and equanimity? And anything you say is fine. You can say, "I fell asleep. I didn't like it. I didn't find anything." Perfectly fine. There's no right or wrong answer. Not so much what you say, but how you show up. So, and if it's not tonight... breakout rooms are... or in this moment are not right for you, it's okay, you can bow out. So, I'm going to create the breakout rooms now.

[clears throat]

Okay, the rooms are now closed and we are all back. So, welcome back. Would love to hear some reflections either about your practice and community or from the first part of practice. You have a couple minutes. So, don't be shy. Please share your group wisdom. Go.

Participant: I did not get a lot from the sit. I was very distracted and feeling guilty about that. And I think for the first time, just hearing somebody else's really honest experience of when they were really present in the practice, I felt like I did the practice. I felt like I was totally attentive to the entire thing. And I was feeling bad because, as people were sharing, I was like, "Oh, that would have been a great one had I actually been present for it." But then I got it from somebody else. I'm very grateful.

Nikki Mirghafori: Lovely. Thanks so much for sharing that, Ariana. That makes me so happy. What a beautiful feeling of osmosis, right, from the group. That's profound what you just experienced. Really profound. Thank you for speaking up. Yeah, very profound. Beautiful. Love it. Thank you.

Yes, please. Somebody on the phone, I just unmuted you.

Participant: Hi Nikki and group. This is Michael, and I'm just so grateful for you weaving in the other brahmavihara, equanimity. And I just came from one house to another house, and so I was... last week I was, or yesterday in the previous ten days, I was at the beach in Santa Cruz, and now I'm back in Palo Alto. And usually I feel heavy and just not very peaceful. But today I felt a lot more full of equanimity and allowing, and being grateful and enjoying the garden here as much as I enjoy the garden there. And just really, you know, finding the joy. And also in your theme of equanimity. I usually do my own thing during the guided meditation, but remaining open and spacious and allowing, I followed your sweet guidance, and you know, it was really... it was joyful. And then during our group share, I had mudita for someone else, and it was... I don't know, I just... it was just very heartwarming. So deep bows to you all, and deep bows to you Nikki for your sweet teachings.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you, Michael. It's lovely to hear from you and have you join us this evening and share your experience with metta and equanimity and vicarious joy for someone else in the group. Yeah, what a sweet, lovely note to end our practice on together this evening, morning, late night, whatever your time zone is right now that you're joining us. So heartwarming to have all of you join us in practice. May you enjoy the fruits of your practice, and may it be shared with all beings everywhere. Equanimity and metta. May all beings be well. May all beings be happy, including us.

[music and bell]

Thank you. Thanks everyone. Lovely to be with you. Take care. Bye.