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Happy Hour: Celebrating Interdependence with Metta

Housekeeping done. All right, so great.

For the guided meditation and the practice of happy hour today, what I'd like to offer is the practice of metta^[1] with the acknowledgement of our interdependence with all beings tonight. As you know, there are concentric circles of cultivating kindness and goodwill. We start with ourselves, benefactors, good friends, neutral people, people we have difficulty with, and all beings. So there are different concentric circles where this practice is done for a variety of benefits and reasons. One way in which it's offered—not just to ourselves but to all beings, and that includes us—is to cultivate this sense of friendliness, goodwill, and the acknowledgement of our interdependence.

For those of you in the U.S., tomorrow is the 4th of July, Independence Day, hence the theme of interdependence tonight. I know Kim mentioned she came from Canada; Canada just had the equivalent of that a couple of days ago. And not to be too North American-centric, we have people joining from Melbourne, Australia. So the theme is interdependence with all beings everywhere.

Our lives are interdependent. One quote that I wanted to share, which I was moved by when I heard it years and years ago, is a quote by an Indigenous Australian or Maori visual artist, activist, and academic who worked in the field of women's issues and Aboriginal epistemology. The quote attributed to Lilla Watson^[2] is: "If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together."

I love the word "liberation" here because that is intertwined with the work that we do in the practice of Buddhism. Practicing for liberation, our liberation is intertwined. All of our lives are intertwined beyond what we usually imagine. If the pandemic wasn't enough to really point out to us how interdependent our lives are with one another—with people all around the world traveling, meeting, parting, affecting each other—our liberation is intertwined, is bound up with one another. There is the illusion of independence in some ways.

So with that invitation to really consider our interdependence, what I'd like to lead us through tonight, just to give you a heads-up as always, is we'll start with settling the breath in the body and arriving home. Arriving home in the body and the breath. And then we will spend some time with goodwill for ourselves. Starting with ourselves, with dear beings... as I mentioned, the concentric circles. We start closer in the smaller concentric circles, and then we will venture out.

One more thing I want to say about this practice of offering goodwill to all beings is to do it regardless of any attachment to outcome. And to know that the reason why we're doing this practice is really to cultivate our own heart. We are offering our own heart goodness, safety, ease, and happiness by the route of wishing other people well. But we are the ones who benefit and feel the gladness, the happiness, and the goodness that is generated. So we are doing this practice first and foremost for the cultivation of our own hearts, which will impact all whom we come in contact with.

Reflections and Relational Practice

Hmm. Thank you all for joining. Hmm, sweet.

Andy offers, "Thanks for the amazing session. What an amazing way to start my weekend. Love and light." Thank you, Andy. Thank you especially for joining from Melbourne, Australia. Loved having you.

We would love to ask you if you would like to share just a phrase or a word. You can type it in chat if you want, and I can read them out loud. Or you can unmute yourself and just share what's coming up for you in this moment. I can start by saying for me, there is a sense of happiness and lightness, and wishing goodwill for folks in all the categories I mentioned, including the person I have a challenge with. It just frees my heart wishing them well.

What a beautiful offering for me. Kim: "Grounded and expansive." Thank you, Kim. Again, feel free to unmute yourself or you can type a word or a phrase—what's coming up for you in this moment.

Lisa: "Peaceful." Thank you, Lisa.

Bill: "Love." Hmm, lovely, nice.

And everything is welcomed. If challenging feelings and thoughts are coming up, you're welcome to share them also. It's all good. No part left out.

Debbie offers: "Openness." Thank you, Debbie. Mmm, nice.

So this is the part where we transition from practicing on our own into practicing holding others. Practicing in being held and holding others. Practicing in a small container of safety and ease. And the invitation is: the way that you've acknowledged your interdependence, offering yourself and others goodness, what actually happens if you speak having dipped into this territory with another couple of practitioners for a few minutes?

The practice period is for six minutes, and the prompt is, "How are you? How is this practice period?" There's no right or wrong. You can say, "I fell asleep, didn't follow it at all, didn't like it." It's all good. Or, "I loved it, felt expansive." It doesn't matter what you say. It's the practice of being held, holding yourself while interacting in a relational practice. And that's where we often think this Buddhist practice is just us: closed eyes, quiet. But it's really where the rubber meets the road—an interactive practice when we open our mouths.

So here you have a sandbox. You can open your mouth for six minutes, for a full couple of minutes each person, to see how it goes. And without any expectations, just experiment. Just be open to what arises in this field. What do you have to lose? Nothing. So if you are on the fence and you haven't tried it before... and if you have, I invite you to try it again and be in this field of holding and being held, acknowledging your interdependence. And it's lovely, especially being in different parts of the country and the world.

So, can I create the rooms now? And if it's not right for you for whatever reason to engage in this way, it's perfectly fine, you can bow out. So I will create the rooms now. Okay, all right.

[Breakout rooms session]

Welcome back, everyone. The rooms are now closed, and we're all back in the main room. So I would love to hear about your practice. If you'd like to comment, share, ask questions, complain... everything is welcome. So take it away. You can unmute yourself or you can raise your hand. You're able to unmute yourself now.

Hi Kathleen, I see you're unmuted, please.

Kathleen: Well, you know, thank you, Nikki. I know that metta is very broad, and one should or may know we are intertwined with everyone. But something today in a long conversation made me think of Diana's teaching about, "I wish you well, and I cannot solve your problems for you." There's a lot of history in that kind of thing for me, so I'm not peaceful with it. I do see it, and I could see why the difficult person is put in metta, because there's a lot to learn from that. So I'm going... thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah. Thank you, Kathleen. There's so much in what you said. If I understand the couple of points that you're raising about the equanimity practice... the phrase in the equanimity practice that, "I wish you well but I cannot solve your problems for you," regardless of what I wish, you know, "You're the heir to your own karma^[3]." There are so many different versions of the classical version and the new versions of the equanimity practice that you're bringing in, and it's "yes, and."

As you know, equanimity practice is one of the four brahma-viharas^[4], so it actually needs to be part of the metta. Because if there is a sense of attachment to outcome—that yes, I'm going to wish you well and yes, we are intertwined, so you've got to be happy—that's not a very healthy way. So the acknowledgement of being intertwined isn't with attachment to outcome; it's realizing that there is this interdependence. Of course, there are so many causes and conditions in this world that have been put in place by us, by others. And offering goodness without any attachment to outcome.

What I'm trying to point out is that the two are not incongruous: acknowledging one's interdependence and wishing well, and knowing that they're the heir to their own karma, and so are you. It might sound a little paradoxical, and it's not. Yeah, thanks for raising that. Thank you. [Laughter]

Bill offers, "I liked the small meetings afterwards. I wasn't sure I would, but I did." Oh lovely, thank you. Thank you, Bill and Colleen. Thank you for sharing and listening. Lovely. Do either of you want to say a word? Bill, perhaps, or Colleen?

Colleen: Good evening. I just discovered this a little while ago, and I really enjoy it. I've met different people each night, and I've really enjoyed it. It's been fruitful for me. Thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: Thank you. Thank you. Especially at this time of social distancing, yeah, it's nice to have this feeling of connection after having practiced in this container. Bill, would you like to say a word? I don't know if you were going to do it and you didn't. We'd love to hear a word from you.

Bill: I can't think of anything smart enough to say, so I don't know. This is my second time doing it, and I very much enjoyed it. And I want to thank you for hosting it.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, thank you. And that's lovely to hear. Especially what I really appreciate is your courage to speak up. And what you said is actually perfect, about not being sure, being on the fence, and then doing it and realizing, "Wow, actually that was rewarding."

There is some psychology research that had participants... they suggested to them, "You're going to get into small groups and converse." And people were like, "Not quite sure." But the people who did participate, they were all happy that they participated. Anyway, I'm not really being very succinct reporting the research, but I'm trying to say that it's so common for people to think, "I don't know who I'm going to be in the room with, what's going to happen? I don't know, am I going to say something that sounds intelligent, or are these weird people?" And the researchers found actually people tend to really enjoy these brief connections with one another and discovering how similar we are. Yes, so rewarding. So thank you for that.

And it is 7:02, so I will end our evening together. Thank you so much for showing up for yourself and for others, supporting each other's practice. May you be well, may you be happy, may you appreciate the beauty and the mystery of interdependence—this Independence holiday so in the US. May all beings be well. May all beings be happy. Take care.

Participants: Thank you, Nikki. Thank you. Take care. Bye.