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Happy Hour: Offering (Psychological) Safety to Self and Others

Introduction

Okay, great. Formally, hello and welcome everyone, dear sangha, to Happy Hour. I missed you on Friday; I was teaching a day-long part of a five-month leadership program I've been teaching. The reason why I mention that is that one of the themes I was sitting with—and it's been alive for me, and I want to bring in that theme tonight—is borrowed from that context of what makes teams successful. What makes it work when you are working, or volunteering, or even in your family units? You know, you have a team. Maybe you're throwing a party and you have people you're working with. For any team, what makes teams really work at their best?

It turns out that there's a lot of research about this. Google, for example, has so many scientists there, and they've done so many studies. It turns out that of the many variables—there are five they come up with—number one is psychological safety. Wow, isn't that interesting? The number one factor that makes teams really cohere, work, and succeed is psychological safety.

To me, this ties in with mettā^[1]. I'll say more in a minute, but the idea of psychological safety from this context is offering yourself and team members the sense that they can disagree. They can say what they want. There's not a sense of retribution; people won't be shut down immediately for voicing their opinion, or if something is going wrong, or for making a mistake. There's a sense of psychological safety: "It's okay. It's okay." And those teams that have psychological safety succeed the most. It makes sense, right? If something is not going right and people are scared to speak up, then it will continue to go off the rails. With safety, people have the ability to brainstorm, make mistakes, and take risks.

Now, let's take that idea for ourselves, for our internal team—this team that is me, with all my voices inside. The ways I speak to myself, the way that I show up, the way that I put myself down, the way that I disagree with myself. The way I tell myself, "Stop, you can't think that. You made a mistake, bad, bad, bad." As a person, as a being with all these voices that come up for us internally, how can we offer ourselves psychological safety?

That's what I'd like to bring in tonight as a practice of mettā, and to tie it into mettā in the following way. Remember the first phrase of mettā is: "May I be safe from inner and outer harm. May you be safe from inner and outer harm." Ah, safety. Hello, here it is. Do you see the connection? This idea of offering safety, especially to ourselves: "May I be safe from inner harm." Inner harm is the harm that we cause ourselves through not offering ourselves this sense of safety, this sense of psychological safety, not opening our own heart to ourselves.

That's the connection I'd like to bring in for the practice of mettā tonight: offering ourselves safety, offering others safety, so that people feel safe in our presence. They can disagree, they can say what's on their mind, and it's okay. We won't shut them down right away. We won't be angry. We have the sense of stability, resilience, and an open heart to be curious. They can make mistakes. They can fail. Yay, they can fail, and not be quote-unquote "perfect," and it's okay. They can feel safe. We can offer people safety, psychological safety.

In mettā practice, safety is number one; it is the first phrase of the four phrases. And in multi-variable research in industry and psychological research, it turns out psychological safety is number one, far more than the composition of teams. I think that is not surprising at all. So, with that as the setup, let's practice. Let's begin. I'd like to invite us to land in our bodies.

Guided Meditation

Letting all the words go, no words needed at this moment. Arriving. Arriving in this body, in this moment.

Offering ourselves safety, psychological safety. Things don't need to be any different right now. We might be tired, we might be sad, we might be anxious, we might be achy. Whatever is showing up right now is okay, it's fine.

Ah. The next exhale, relaxing into the body, making space for whatever is showing up in this moment. Reality as it is in this body, in this heart, in this mind. Maybe we've had a hard day, it's okay. Maybe we've had a lovely day, okay.

Opening our hearts. Opening the door of our heart, letting in all the guests. "Okay, it's alright, come in." There's plenty of space in this heart for disappointment, sadness, confusion, heartache, joy, excitement, body aches, body energy, whatever. Ah, welcome. Welcome them all, welcome. Welcome them all.

And inviting this body, the muscles, to relax, to soften. Starting with our eyes, let them rest in the socket. Our forehead, let it soften. The jaw relaxing. Neck and shoulders. The arms and the hands giving their weight to the earth. Feeling the sensations in the hands.

Relaxing the chest. Inviting the heart, the heart center, the proverbial space for emotions, to relax, to be just as it is. Inviting the abdomen to relax and soften. Bringing awareness to the sit bones. Inviting the lower legs, the upper legs, the knees, the feet to offer their weight to the earth. The entire body feeling a little heavier, deliciously heavier, settled.

Receiving the breath in the abdomen, the lower abdomen. The abdomen receiving the breath. Each breath, the entirety of the breath in and out, just to settle and calm your mind, just to arrive.

If your mind wanders to a thought or memory or daydream, it's okay, it's alright. No need for judgment. Offering your mind, your heart, safety. Safety. The mind will wander, it's okay. It's alright. Just notice, simply notice what it's resting on. "Ah, this. Yes, this." And then ever so gently, inviting the puppy of the mind to return. Return to the breath in the abdomen, to settle.

Aware of the breath. This is part of the training, is coming back without judgment, with curiosity, with kindness. Knowing that all minds do this, it's not just yours; you're not defective. Offering yourself safety, kindness.

Maybe even the next time you notice the mind is thinking, has gone off, maybe try saying, "It's okay, sweetie. It's okay, it's alright." Smiling, feeling the breath in the belly, and smilingly, joyfully coming back home. Coming back home to rest with the breath.

Offering safety to yourself. Your poor mind. This often restless mind, this heart, this body, offering safety to ourselves. "It's okay, it's okay dear. It's okay."

Maybe there was something in your day or your week that was challenging for you. You tried your best, it was confusing, difficult. Maybe you made a mistake or failed in something. It's okay, it's alright. Offering yourself safety. Psychological safety. Safety. See what happens when you offer yourself safety.

And don't be afraid that you'll become a slacker, a couch potato. It turns out that through offering ourselves safety with care and compassion, we take more responsibility. So see how that feels internally for you. Let that fear, if it comes up, let that fear feel safe. "It's okay, fear, it's alright. Come here, hang out. I'm not gonna push you away or give you the reins of my mind."

Can you offer safety to whatever is coming up in this moment? Just breathing, receiving the breath with kindness.

"May I be safe from inner harm." I offer myself safety. "May I love and accept myself just as I am." Whatever version works for you, or without words.

Notice if there can be more ease and peace in your heart and your body and your mind. You offer yourself safety every time the mind wanders. You don't yank it back, jerk the mind back into the present moment with force, but just gently. "It's okay, dear, it's alright." Ah, sense of ease. It's alright, it's part of this training. This is how we train our mind, our puppy, gently, gently returning every time.

Now you can stay with yourself offering safety, kindness, as an expression of mettā loving-kindness to yourself, as a part of this training, the most important part of this training. So either stay with yourself or, if you like, consider someone in your life or someones in your life you'd like to offer more safety to, offer more psychological safety to.

"May you be safe from me. May I be safe for myself. May I be safe for you. I wish to offer you safety. Psychological ease and safety in my presence." Radiating, as if your heart, your heart center, is radiating light as a warm, caring light of safety. Touching you first, relaxing your body, your heart, your mind. And then shining out, offering safety, touching with safety the ones you are considering in your mind's eye right now.

"May I be safe for myself and others."

"May I allow space for ease, for mistakes, for imperfection in myself and others."

"I feel the goodness in myself and others."

Offering safety from judgment and ill will, internally and externally. Recognizing you're doing the best you can, and so are others, given all the causes and conditions that have come to be.

Every time you find your mind has wandered, relax into safety some more, into ease. No need to judge yourself. Relax.

And for the last moments of this practice period together, offering yourself safety from judgment, from however this practice period was. So you were sleepy, the mind was distracted, it's okay. You showed up, you did your best. Offering safety without judgment to yourself. It's okay. Offering appreciation: "Yay, I showed up as best as I could." It's the best any of us can do.

Trusting there is goodness. There's goodness in just showing up, even with one moment of awareness and kindness to yourself and/or others. Planting seeds. Trust, trust you're planting seeds. And offer the goodness. Trusting in the goodness, offering the goodness to yourself and to all beings everywhere.

May all beings everywhere be safe from inner and outer harm. May all beings everywhere be happy and free, including ourselves.

Reflections on Mettā and Safety

Thanks everyone, thank you for your practice. Ah, safety.

The more I have practiced with mettā, the more I have discovered that it's not accidental that the first of the four phrases of mettā has to do with safety. I'll say all four phrases. Traditionally they are: "May I/you be safe from inner and outer harm. May I/you be happy. May I/you be healthy. May I/you have ease in our lives." So safety, happiness, health, and ease are the four wishes. Of course, we can change them. Many teachers change them, and it's all fine. You can change them to be whatever works for you.

Some teachers shift and change it, make happy to be number one: "May you be happy," and start with that, and safety comes at the end. That's how originally I had started to practice, with "May I/may you be happy" being the first one. Later, when I was starting to step into the role of being a teacher and sharing the dharma, I looked at the order and it looked like, "Oh, safety is first. I wonder why."

So I practiced that way intensely. I remember one retreat—it was a month-long mettā retreat—where I did safety as the first one, as canonically suggested. I discovered that this wish for safety is so fundamental. This feeling safe in our bodies and mind and heart is so fundamental. It's what holds everything else. It holds happiness and health and ease. Until you have a sense of safety in your heart, in your mind. It also ties in with Bowlby's attachment theory^[2] in terms of safety in our hearts. Anyway, there's so much there, and now also this connection to the world of research about teams and work, offering ourselves and each other safety.

So safety, what an important gift to cultivate. It's a gift to cultivate for ourselves and for others.

Q&A and Sangha Reflections

I'd like to invite you to share reflections in the space, please. Especially if you haven't spoken for a while, you're welcome to raise your hands or type in chat. If you type to me alone on Zoom, I will only read out your reflection, not your name. If it's to everyone, I will read your name also. What did you notice? What did you observe? Questions, comments, anything is welcome.

Neil says, "A lovely practice. I feel all warm and cuddly." Ah, thank you, Neil. Yeah, it is a lovely practice, isn't it, offering ourselves safety? Sweet, yeah. Our hearts feel more ease. Did any of you try, especially when your minds went off, to say, "It's okay, dear. It's okay, sweetie," and kind of easing into safety a little more? Did you try that?

Yerba says, "This meditation made me feel cozy and empowered." Ah, thank you, Yerba. I'm so happy to hear that. Yay, cozy and empowered, beautiful dimensions of just feeling contented and a sense of empowerment coming out of that. Thank you, Yerba.

Aurora says, "This was very timely in the middle of a COVID scare and really needed to offer myself safety." Ah, thank you, Aurora. Yeah, safety. Safety to our minds.

Another share: "It was a difficult sit initially because I have been having trouble feeling safe in my body due to some health challenges, so when I remembered safety, I decided to lay on the floor with a blanket, and it helped soften some of the edges." Fantastic. Great, I am delighted to hear the inner wisdom to say, "Hey, body's feeling challenged," and lying down with a blanket. Blankets make us feel safe, right? Safety blanket, and softening the edges, beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. Delighted to hear how that came up and how you worked with that. Thanks for that share.

Other reflections. I was asking if anyone tried being kind, especially kind to your mind when it goes off. Mary says, "In practicing first to give myself safety, I was able to see how a friend who's often critical of me perhaps is not feeling safe themselves. I was able to offer safety for them." Oh, beautiful. What a beautiful insight. Yeah, that's often the case; when people feel threatened themselves, then it's hard for them to offer safety to others, both with friendships and also in work relationships.

Jamie says, "It was nice to be preoccupied and then distracted and then sleepy, and know it was all okay." Yes, great. Yeah, sense of safety. And Jamie, when you noticed all that and it's like, "Oh," was it a sense of ease and safety that just said, "It's okay, I don't have to feel bad about it"? I see your nod and smile, yes. And so then that moment, actually one comes to, "Oh yes, there's a depth, there's a settling that can happen in that moment when there is safety." If you notice that, it's like, "Yeah, the mind was sleepy, and here like, ah, now I can settle." Let's notice that moment. It can be very nourishing, very nourishing. Lovely. Yay, internal safety.

So dear ones, let's turn into small groups and see if we can continue to offer ourselves safety and offer each other safety, and let the rubber meet the road of relating to each other in this sphere and the space of safety. It's so important to practice, and if you're on the edge, if you're like, "Oh no, no, I don't feel safe getting into small groups," maybe stretch yourself just a tiny bit. Given that this is the theme, see what it feels like.

So one reflection: "I notice that when we are in breakout rooms, I feel safer when taking the time to do a few seconds of sitting quietly before we share, to know that I'm with like-minded folks." Beautiful, yay. So we'll do that again tonight. We'll start with 15, 30 seconds of mettā silently for yourselves, for each other, offering safety to each other, to yourselves in silence, and then share as much or as little as you wish about your practice. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other. And the rooms are created, and now they are open. Here we go.

[Breakout rooms occur]

Welcome back everyone, the rooms are closed. We have a few minutes for any reflections that came up for you that you'd like to share, please. Especially if you haven't spoken for a while. Neil, please.

Neil: So this practice reminded me of a time I went horseback riding when I was six years old, maybe seven, I don't really recall. It was just me and my dad. My dad's standing right there—I don't think he ever touched a horse if he could avoid it. You know, he was a Brooklyn boy. And we were in a little corral, I was just going around in circles, and some horses galloped on by, and my horse took off. It was like crazy, you know. And my dad, he didn't yell, "Stop, Neil!" right? Instead, he jumped in front of the horse. I don't know what he was thinking. I'm sure he didn't know either. But I keep thinking about that because it was obvious to him telling me to stop was pointless. I was not the one in control of that, right? I was being taken for the ride. There would be no point; him yelling at me for having not stopped the horse would have been ludicrous, right? I mean, gosh, I didn't want it to do that either. So that thought came to mind here tonight. You know, sometimes your mind just takes you for a ride, and you just have to figure out how to manage it, hopefully not getting run over and trampled in the process.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, thank you, Neil. I appreciate what you're talking about, it's really a lesson in—thanks for sharing the story first of all, and how frightening that must have been as a little boy for this horse to just take off, and your dad trying to support, and also his wisdom not to shout at you, but realize you're not in control. Having the same sense of, "Oh yeah, my mind, I'm not always in control of my mind," and that's really an insight into anattā^[3], not-self. It's impersonal. You can't say, "My damn mind, it's bad." It's like, "Oh sweetie, it's okay, you're running off again. Okay, come, come." We can only tame it or train it with this gentleness, with this kindness. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Jesse, please.

Jesse: Hey, thanks. Just along the lines of what you said about the mind wandering, what struck me today is that it really is just a fantastic opportunity to practice kindness right at that moment. I was wondering if you are recommending saying a specific different other phrase. Like, I'm normally saying, "May I be safe, may I be happy," but then when my mind wanders, I'm drifting off. I'm just wondering what types of—how I could be supportive to myself in that specific moment of noticing that the mind has wandered?

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, very good point. So it's what feeds, what supports, what nourishes. You know, there is the carrot and there's the stick method. So the moment that you realize that you've become awake—you know, your mind has been gone forever, many minutes, right? Minds do that. The moment you become awake, instead of going, "Oh, bad mind, you've been gone," right? To get to the details of your question: in that moment, do I just bring it back and continue and say, "May I be safe," and continue the practice, or do I actually acknowledge in that moment, do I do something more in that moment?

Great. In that moment, it is helpful, it does feed, it's like a carrot to actually celebrate that moment. To actually say, "Yay, I'm awake now. Oh, sweetie, it's okay, come back." Bring something positive in that moment, definitely not something negative like how bad you were or sleepy. Neutral is fine, but it's kind of nice to bring in, "Yay," just a little bit of a smile. "Oh yeah, a moment of awakeness! Yeah, I'm awake now, yay." Or what I was suggesting tonight, like, "It's okay, it's okay." There's a sense of comfort there. So try that. "It's okay," when you find yourself you've been gone, and see if that "It's okay," with kindness, if it lands you deeper than just going back. So that's what my recommendation is. You experiment with it for a while, or for a long time. Does that make sense?

Jesse: Thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: Great, thank you, Jesse. Christine. We're over time, so this needs to be really quick, or I'll stay over time. Not sure what you're saying, my dear. Oh, okay.

Christine: It just occurs to me that I think when David sat in for you—was he sitting in for you here at Happy Hour? Where did I hear him? Yeah, and he suggested when you come back... well, that when my mind goes away, it is always going somewhere to try to make me safe. It's going somewhere to try to figure something out to make me safe, right? And so he suggested when you come back to say, "Oh, thank you for working so hard to try to make me safe."

Nikki Mirghafori: Great, great, that's it. Whatever positive thing you put in there, whether you say, "It's okay, sweetie, welcome back," or "Thank you," as long as it's a positive reinforcement. Whatever works for you, Christine, as long as it's a positive reinforcement, basically, in psychological terms.

Yeah, sounds good. Thank you all, thank you all so much for showing up for your practice, for offering safety to yourselves and others. I want to share this link, by the way, for those who might have been intrigued about psychological safety at work that I shared, it's in chat. Let's bring this session to a close. Maybe we'll do this theme again more later. May all beings be safe, may all beings be free, may all beings be happy, including ourselves. Thanks everyone.