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Happy Hour: Compassion for a Benefactor

Hello, hello, and formally welcome to Happy Hour.

Diana and I have been systematically going through the different practices since the beginning of the year just to create the context. Now we are going through—we just started to go through—compassion practices. In the past month, we went through different aspects, different concentric circles of metta^[1] (loving-kindness), and now we're moving to the next brahmavihara^[2] (heavenly abode) practice, which is compassion (karuna^[3]).

And as we're going through the concentric circles of this cultivation, tonight we'll turn our attention to cultivating compassion and care for a benefactor of ours. Someone who has been there for us, who supported us—maybe a teacher, maybe a coach, maybe a parent, or maybe even a friend who's been there for us in some way. The person we're going to consider today doesn't need to be our primary benefactor. They could be, but someone who's been in that role, in some way supported us.

And you all know what I mean by a benefactor. If you don't, type it in chat and I'll explain, but basically someone who's had a supporting role of some kind for us. With compassion, we will bring to mind something that is challenging for them right now. Or maybe one aspect of their life—maybe their health, maybe their relationships, work, finances—something, one aspect that's a little challenging. And we work on cultivating compassion, wishing them ease from this challenge, from the suffering in this way.

To say a couple more things before we get into the practice: The practice of compassion, as I've said it before and it bears repeating, is when metta (which is loving-kindness, which is just kindness and good will) meets suffering. So when suffering is held by kindness and care, this combination is called compassion.

There are near enemies and far enemies in this practice. There could be a sense of pity: "Oh, poor you. This would never happen to me." That's when there is a lack of equality in the perception. Whereas with compassion, for it to stay compassion and not become pity, we have the sense of, "Oh, this could be me. This is a common human condition. This could be me. This could be me in the future, it could have been me in the past, I could have been born into this." So not to have a sense of, "Oh, poor you, you're suffering or you've been suffering," but a sense of common humanity.

I'll talk about what's called a near enemy, which is empathic distress. When we are in this equation of suffering plus good will—two of them together make compassion—if we lean too heavily into the suffering, then there could be a sense of empathic distress and grief. There's not enough kindness to support it. That's actually what a lot of people mistake compassion for when they say, "Oh, compassion is sad, it's heavy." It's not supposed to be. They're mistaking this empathic distress for compassion, which is like you're just feeling the sadness here; there's not enough goodwill, care, and love shining and holding it that can really balance it.

So again, if you veer into empathic distress, it's not a sin. It's okay. Just notice it and bring more kindness, bring more good will, bring more care to yourself in that moment, because you're the one who's suffering in that moment trying to cultivate compassion. As long as you bring kindness and care, you're doing this practice right.

Reflections and Q&A

I changed the settings in chat, so you're welcome to share your reflections, what you discovered, or your questions in chat, or you can raise your hand if you'd like to share.

Jesse, yes, please unmute yourself.

Jesse: Hi. Thank you. You mentioned the image of the person you're thinking of, and the voice, and the felt sense. I see all those things, I feel those things, but intermittently. I just find it's trickier to hold a person in my consciousness than an anchor like the breath. I know somebody is suffering, but they still kind of come and go. It's hard for me to hold onto it. I wonder what you could recommend as far as trying to hold onto it.

Nikki Mirghafori: Excellent question. I really appreciate you bringing this up because this is so common. It is more complex than the breath, absolutely. The breath is right here, it's a sensation, whereas the image of the person, or their felt sense, or their sound, or how they feel—all of that takes a little more energy. So yes, it is more complicated, and yet there's something about conjuring that up that sometimes when we connect, it brings the rest of the practice alive.

What I would recommend if you're noticing that it comes and goes, is to see what is easiest for you. If you're visual, it could be a visual sense. For some people who are not visual, maybe hearing the person's voice is easier. Maybe the felt sense of what they feel like when you're in their presence—maybe you feel kind of giddy or giggly. That's why I name all of these, for you to feel what works best for you. Sometimes it helps to remember a particular interaction. In the last session, I suggested imagining them having a FaceTime conversation with you on video chat. Because then it's like, "Oh yeah, there it is." You have this image of them in this tiny little square on your phone or something.

So be creative, play around with it, and it's also okay if it's not constant all the time. Don't self-flagellate. It might come and go, and it's okay. When you notice it's gone, bring it back. Really spend a few minutes to conjure them up as clearly as you can, and then it'll probably fade again, and it's okay. Then spend a little more time. Through practice, it will become easier. It will become more steady. It's like a muscle. Having done this practice for a long time, after a while it just becomes steadier. It does, so I hope that helps.

Jesse: Yeah, thank you.

Nikki Mirghafori: You're welcome. Thank you. Any other questions, reflections?

Nancy.

Nancy: Hi. This is such a beautiful practice. To wish well on a benefactor who you know is going through a difficult time is not only a beautiful thing to do for somebody else, but in a way is also a kindness to yourself. Because there's a lot of feeling, at least for me, of powerlessness in being able to help somebody going through a difficult time, and this sort of addresses that for me.

Nikki Mirghafori: Beautiful. Thank you, Nancy. Well said. Yeah, there's so much that we can do in cultivating our heart and being there for them in our thoughts and in our hearts, and it'll also translate for when we have a chance to actually be there for them. So yes, an antidote to feeling powerless is really reclaiming our power, the power of our heart. Recognizing how much goodness, how much power there is to love. This being here is so powerful. So powerful. Yeah, great, thank you.

So I'd like to invite us—and if around this time you hop off like, "Oh my God, they're going to go into groups," wait, just listen! I invite you to actually see if you can, if it's okay for you to stretch yourself just a little bit. If you have to go, if you have obligations, kids to take care of, it's perfectly fine. But if you're hopping off out of fear of being with others, I invite you to stretch yourself just a tiny little bit and see what it feels like. There are studies showing that people in this situation don't want to do a small group, but then when they do it, they're so glad they did. I've done this with so many groups, believe me, it's the case. So if you're thinking, "Ah, I'm not so sure," please stay and check it out. And work with the sense of fear, anxiety, or unsureness. Trust me, this is a really, really kind sangha^[5]. Really kind sangha.

The invitation that I have is when you get into a small group with a couple of people, to spend again just thirty seconds or one minute in silence, just sharing metta. Just sharing good will for the other two or three people you see on the screen, and receive their good will in silence. This is such a powerful practice. With eyes open! With eyes open, giving good will, receiving good will, knowing that they're doing the same for you. "May you be well, dear friend, dear fellow human being."

And then after spending thirty seconds to a minute in silence giving and receiving, imagine that these two or three people are your benefactors. They're there to support you. They're there to support your practice. You can share as little or as much as you like about your practice, what happened or what didn't happen, and it's all good. And know that they're seeing you as their benefactor. So you're there to support other people. You have a role, you're powerful, you're there offering support to other human beings in this boat. In this boat of suffering and joy, plenty of that.

So that's the invitation for the practice for tonight. About a minute of silence, and then imagine you're each other's benefactors. So I will create the breakout rooms. Please give it a try. I really invite you not to hop off and see how powerful it could be. I'm about to open the rooms. So here you go, dear ones.

(Breakout groups occur)

Great, the rooms are closed, everyone is back, and we have a couple of minutes to share what that was like for you practicing in small groups. Yes, especially if you haven't shared before, we'd love to hear from you. Please raise your hand or you can type in chat what it was like for you, what you noticed either about the first part of the practice or the second part.

Kim, please.

Kim: I was in the middle of a thought trying to beat coming back to the group and I didn't quite make it, so I wanted to finish my thought. I was saying that I have found the practice difficult the last few sessions because I find I'm isolating myself quite a bit. My practice was usually with a dear friend. I have somebody that usually comes up for me that's a dear friend, but I haven't heard from her for so long and I feel like I've lost her, and so that wasn't working. I don't have a best friend, so using the benefactor was very useful because I had several benefactors. Thank you for letting me finish my thought.

Nikki Mirghafori: That's great, thank you. I'm delighted to hear that. These first couple of categories are supposed to be the easy categories, so just use whatever is easiest. Starting tomorrow and in the next couple of days, we're going to start moving into self-compassion, which is very important and we can't have enough of it. For many of us, I have to say, it is challenging to have compassion for self. It's easier to have compassion for others than for self.

So what you shared, Kim, is great. I'm glad benefactor seemed easier. Hang out where it's easiest, because it's priming the heart. Priming the heart by hanging out where it's easy with compassion, and then turning to the categories that are more challenging and difficult. And of course, later we'll get into the neutral category, and folks you're having challenges with, and all of that.

Jamie types in chat, "How does what we're offering here compare to Kristin Neff's mindful self-compassion?"

Kristin Neff has a great program; her book and teachings are specifically about mindful self-compassion. Whereas what Diana and I teach, we teach all the brahmaviharas within the Buddhist container. We teach metta (loving-kindness), compassion, vicarious joy (which we're going to get to later), and equanimity. We also teach forgiveness practices, gratitude, and all of this—the whole canon. Kristin focuses on self-compassion, which we're going to get to next here. Her program is fantastic; I recommend her book to many people. That's a difference: we cover a lot more ground here, Jamie, than Kristin Neff's work does, and her work is fantastic.

Jamie: Thank you. My question was specifically about how you and Diana are approaching self-compassion compared to her, but it was kind of a silly question anyway. I just got hung up on her ideas and I can just be open to yours.

Nikki Mirghafori: There are so many different ways to practice these things, and she has a fantastic way to do it. We have some ways that are similar, some ways that are different. There's no right or wrong, it's all skillful means. Whatever works, so it's all good. Whatever works, whatever helps us cultivate compassion. I didn't quite get the gist of your question, but yeah, this all sounds good.

So dear ones, we've come to the end of another Happy Hour together. Yay! I'm happier, I don't know about you, I hope you are. Thank you all for your practice, for doing this work for yourself and for all those whose lives you touch. May all beings be free, may all beings be happy, including ourselves. Thank you.