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Eightfold Path: Right Action (3 of 3)

So today we come to the third part of Right Action. The first two being not killing and not taking what is not given, and the third is worded "not engaging in sexual misconduct," or not engaging in wrong conduct in relationship to the senses. It is understood that it's a very general way of saying to avoid sexual misconduct—not just of any sensual contact, but that which is sexual. By implication, there is then right sexual activity, right conduct with the senses.

We could talk about right sexuality in Buddhism. Because sexuality for some people is such an important and central part of their lives, maybe if the Buddha had been making up the Eightfold Path^[1] for us modern laypeople, he would have designed a ninefold path, and right sexuality would have been its own category. I don't think it's very common for Buddhist teachers to give talks about right sexuality. So it's often an area of life which is left unaddressed directly as a domain of practice or a domain of mindfulness. It's almost like you don't talk about it; you leave it aside.

This is rather unfortunate because sexuality is a huge part of many people's lives. For some people, it's a primary, a big thing they think about and are concerned with. We get a small sense of that from entertainment, movies, and books. Some of the drama and excitement of movies and books has to do with sexual relationships that are happening—or shouldn't be happening but are happening—and all kinds of things that go on.

There are people who have many different forms of sexuality. There are asexual people. There are monastics who are non-sexual, but it's still a way of being sexual—it's a way of relating that it's good to be mindful of, clear about, and find our peace with.

What's interesting around this is that we could take the Eightfold Path and use each factor as a lens to look upon our sexual lives, our sexual thoughts, and our sexual feelings. We can use all these different steps—Right View, Right Consideration, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood (we'll talk about that tomorrow), Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, and Right Concentration—and see how the lens of each of these factors affects our understanding, our engagement, and our practice of our sexual life. In other words, we can put our sexuality right in the middle of our practice and not keep it aside, seeing it here too as an activity where we can find our freedom.

Sexuality is probably one of the most complicated activities that human beings do. It's deeply physiological, biological, emotional, and social. So much of our life comes into play around sexuality; we're here as human beings because of sex. A lot of human suffering arises because of sexuality. Growing up can be hard, going through puberty and early experiences. Some people are deeply wounded, sometimes as children, sometimes as adults, by their experiences around sexuality and how they've been treated.

It is a domain where it's possible to have a tremendous amount of harm caused, and it's also a domain of life where there can be a tremendous amount of good done. It can be beneficial, healing, and supportive for people. So to find our way in this deep form of communication that we have, this deep form of engagement with pleasure, it's good to take a good look at it and put it right in the middle of practice.

If we begin looking at sexuality from the vantage point of Right View, we understand the basic thrust of the Eightfold Path and Buddhism as a whole is the avoidance of suffering—to become free of suffering and to become free of causing harm. We need to be attuned to these two things: not causing suffering for oneself, and not causing harm to other people. Right View is beginning to turn towards our sexual lives through that vantage point. How do I avoid hurting myself? How do I avoid hurting others with my sexuality, my sexual thoughts, my sexual desires, my sexual projections onto people, fantasies, and all kinds of things? What is a wholesome, healthy, beneficial way of being involved in a sexual life, both with someone else and alone by oneself? And what's an unhealthy way? That is what Right View is looking at and supporting.

As I've said, the primary concern in Buddhism has to do with something pragmatic and experiential, at least for oneself, and something by which we can really empathize with other people. That has to do with suffering, harm, and hurt. The primary principle that underlies right sexuality in Buddhism would be to avoid sexuality that causes harm. That is the basic approach. Buddhism generally doesn't have anything to say about forms of sexuality, the kind of partners you have, and all the details of what we do sexually that are varied, multifaceted, and creative in all kinds of ways. Always in Buddhism, the concern is not to cause harm and not to suffer.

Here, the consequence is really important. It's actually a little bit dangerous to look only at the intention for sexual activity, because then we might be blind to the consequences our sexual activity has. We might have no intention to harm anyone, so our intention seems very good. But if we don't know our partner well, then we don't know their trauma, their suffering, their tenderness, their sensitivity, and what's being touched in this very deep area of sexual life. It's a very deep, intimate, tender place for many people. So we might have no intention to cause harm, but because we don't know them well enough, it turns out that how we behave and how we are is deeply troublesome and hurtful for them. The consequence is painful.

Or perhaps we really love someone and care for them. We have a lot of tenderness and warmth, and a desire to be affectionate with them. All the intention seems quite good, except the person's married. Is it okay to have an affair? The consequences of that can be hugely destructive for this person's spouse, this person's children, and it ripples out. The consequences can be big. Very often in Buddhism, consequences are a really important part of Right View and Right Consideration. What are the consequences of what we're doing? We have to be mindful of that and look at it.

Sexual drives can be so strong that they feel so right. We might feel that, no matter what, this feels good and right to do. To override the consequences and not take the time to look at them is probably an indication of a lack of freedom—giving in to compulsion and the strength of desire. Real freedom in Buddhism, which is part of Right View as well, is a freedom to not act on desires. Not because it's punitive or restrictive, but because freedom is discovered to be so much more wonderful. It's such a great joy and pleasure. This clean, open freedom feels better than fulfilling a desire. It doesn't mean that we can't pursue our desires, but we don't do it compulsively. We're not pushed by it; we always have choice. We might choose as laypeople to go along with the desire, but it's a clear choice done in the freedom that we have.

And then Right Consideration, the second factor of the Eightfold Path, often called Right Intention, is to be wise and considerate about our sexuality. We ask ourselves: Is it addictive? Is there ill will involved? Is there cruelty involved? I think most people would say no, not that. But there are definitely some people who are engaged in sexual activity where there is cruelty and hate. Rape, sometimes, is an expression of hate. So it can be there.

But more importantly, are the opposites present? Is there a simplicity and a lack of addiction? Is there kindness, goodwill, and care for the other person? Is there compassion and love present that allows sexuality to be an expression of our affection, our love, our friendliness, our kindness, our loving-kindness? It's a vehicle for a deep expression of care for people that wouldn't be there if there was an addictive pursuit of pleasure, or if there was some hostility, dominance, or a certain assertiveness—an attitude of "it's my way." Insistence for sex when another person isn't really interested and doesn't want it at that time, pushing ourselves on someone... I don't know if it's ill will or cruelty with that, but there is an aggressiveness that would be considered wrong consideration in this Eightfold Path schema.

And then there's Right Speech. The primary one is truth in our sexual lives. Are we always prepared to speak the truth to our partners? Are we also willing to speak the truth to others about our sexual lives? A lot of harmful sexuality that causes us harm happens in situations where we want to do it in secret and we don't want to tell anyone. This idea of secrecy and not telling people is something we have to have a lot of care and attention with. To start lying about our sexual lives goes against the grain of this movement to mindfulness, this movement to freedom, and this movement to cultivating wholesome and healthy inner states. So, we should not be involved in sexuality that one feels ashamed of, or is shy and unwilling to talk to people about.

I think that the idea of right sexuality, really encompassing it and holding it within the Eightfold Path, can hopefully lead us to have a sexual life that we're very happy about. Maybe not actively public about, but something we're happy to talk about, with nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. Rather, something to be really content and satisfied about in the sexual life we have.

One of the primary supports for this kind of right sexuality is, in fact, a deep inner contentment. This way, sexuality is not trying to fill a hole, a longing, loneliness, or a sense of powerlessness. It's not trying to fill all kinds of things inside of us. Because we're already full, we're already content, we can go into a sexual life with that kind of fullness and clarity. Not clinging, needing, and wanting, but rather as a vehicle for our deep care, appreciation, and contact with other people.

Maybe some of the words that I spoke today about it are not a good match for you, and you have other ideas. That's fine. However, what I'm trying to say here is that right sexuality is a considered sexuality, one in which we engage the factors of the Eightfold Path^[2]. That is what makes it "right" according to the Eightfold Path. That's the opportunity we have here—to bring sexuality under the guidance and support of this wonderful path of liberation that we have. So our sexual life is part and parcel of the movement towards greater and greater freedom.

So thank you. Whether you are actively sexual or not, right sexuality is important. There's right sexuality for people who are asexual, and it also involves a delight in contentment. Thank you. We'll continue with Right Livelihood tomorrow.