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Happy Hour: How to Have A Bad Day Well

For the theme for tonight's teaching, I wanted to talk about something that inspired me. Actually, I was reading Stephen Levine's A Year to Live. I love the book and there were a few lines that really struck me, and they inspired me to dedicate tonight's practice to this theme. So the theme for tonight is how to have a bad day well.

You get the joke, right? You get the point, right? Because now and then, of course, we're going to have bad days, days that are difficult, days that difficulty happens. Maybe we feel really, really sick—random example—or just challenges arise. And how to have a bad day well? You know, we can add insult to injury. We can blame ourselves. We can resist. We can really add second arrows to the first arrow that's already there, all these second arrows. Or we can have a bad day well. We can meet the challenge, the difficulty, the misfortune, whatever it might be, with grace, with compassion for ourselves, for others, with ease instead of resisting and refusing. Seeing what is needed. What is the appropriate response right now? Is it kindness? Is it care? Is it rest? Is it wisdom? What is it?

So, having a bad day well can really save us from a lot of misery, a lot of dukkha^[1], a lot of pain in this life. Because guess what? Challenges, having what we're calling a bad day, or a difficult part of life, it's not that you've made a mistake or you're to blame or it's your fault. It's part of life to have challenges. Challenges are part of life. And how can we have a bad day well? Having a bad day with grace, with generosity, with kindness. So that is the theme.

And I will share this paragraph here from Stephen Levine, page 126. If later you guys wanted to go check it out, it's actually the next paragraph.

Actually, I want to say one more thing before I read the paragraph, and that is also acknowledging or realizing that the times when things are challenging, perhaps looking back at how much wisdom, how much kindness, how much compassion you've already uncovered in your life, and how much momentum you already have. Because when there is a challenge, it seems like it's all lost. It's all, "Oh, you're back to square one." But actually turning back and realizing that there's so much momentum that you already have that is going to support you. That is going to support you. So taking heart, taking heart in that forward momentum that you have uncovered with kindness and compassion and wisdom through your life.

So here's the paragraph I wanted to read. The more we practice how to have a bad day well, the better a day it will be. And it continues: "When we stop protecting ourselves from life, each moment takes on a new significance. We come to treasure our being even more than our becoming."

I want to read this again, it's so beautiful, so profound. Okay, I'll start from the top: "When we stop protecting ourselves from life, each moment takes on a new significance. We come to treasure our being more than our becoming. Each moment of remembering is precious. The eternal moment in which there is no other."

So I think that is plenty of setting the frame for tonight's practice. And of course, we'll have a chance to explore together in the guided meditation and in the groups later. And just to say, I'm excited tonight for the groups because the prompt would be: What are some of the wise and compassionate choices you make to have a bad day well? How do you try to have a bad day well? I think that the wisdom of the community, the wisdom of the small groups could be quite interesting and juicy tonight. So I hope you hang around for that.

Alright, so without further ado, let's meditate together.

Guided Meditation

So I'm going to silence myself and take cough breaks throughout.

So inviting ourselves, welcoming ourselves to this moment. This just is, sitting here. This moment, this body. Allowing this body to land, to arrive, just as it is. It doesn't need to be any different than it is right now.

And releasing. Releasing thoughts for this moment. Releasing tightness, holding, contraction.

Welcoming, welcoming this moment. Welcoming yourself, this being who is you, simply being in this moment, without the need to become anything or anyone. Without the need for becoming. Just celebrating being in this moment, however it shows up.

Allowing the breath to move through this body. Releasing, easing every muscle, every tightness, every holding. Just letting be. Letting be, releasing, relaxing, letting be.

And turning the gaze inward to notice, to welcome the sensations of the feet. If you're sitting on a chair, the bottoms of the feet planted on the earth, a sense of stability. Your sit bones, your bottom planted gently and firmly on the cushion or the chair.

And a sense of uprightness in your spine. Sitting upright, upright, upright, a sense of integrity. Uprightness, not moving, fidgeting, but just a sense of landing in your body, in your posture. The heart feeling open, the chest open, the heart open to yourself in this moment, in this intimate, infinite moment.

Letting there be a sense of appreciation. It is the gentle recognition of kindness. I can naturally be here as you open your heart, open your spine, your chest. Often our physicality—not often, but always—our physicality impacts our mind, our state of mind.

Can this moment be nourishing? This sitting, this being breathed, can it be not effortful? Not effortful, but nourishing. Can you sitting here be so easeful? No striving. Letting go, just letting go of any striving or wanting, to just be. Let your being be completely embraced, acknowledged, appreciated.

Being human is difficult enough. Let yourself just be in this moment. No projects, no ambitions to become this or that. Be humble, be an earthworm. Relax the heart, just be.

Especially if you're having a difficult day, any moments of challenge, which I bet we've all had here and there, as it's part of being human. Let there be even more ease, more kindness in this moment, more nourishing. Let the breath be the medicine. The most potent medicine, soothing, calming, like a lullaby.

Not beating yourself up. Not comparing yourself to this ideal, unreachable self. Not kicking yourself for any challenge or difficulty you've had today: "I should have, I could have, if only." Let those thoughts rest, let them take a break, let them take a nap. Come, come take a nap, it's okay.

Let there be a nourishing feast of just being breathed. No expectations, no becoming. Soothing, just being. Just being with each breath.

And if the mind wanders to thoughts of the future or the past, it's okay. It's alright, it's okay. Be kind, be kind to this mind, this wandering, restless mind. "It's okay, sweetie, it's okay. Rest, come rest, come be nourished." Sitting, being breathed with kindness. Like a healing, soothing salve. Just being.

You don't have to figure anything out right now. Nothing. Just be breathed. Sit, be breathed, be nourished by the breath. By the depth and infinity of this moment. Just rest.

Just being breathed. Not trying to figure it out. Not struggling against anything. Is an act of kindness to ourselves, such kindness to let go, rest, feel nourished, just be. Letting go again and again, again and again, taking refuge.

And if needed, if an extra dose of kindness is needed, given the kind of day or body, what's been happening, the slings and arrows of life. It's okay to feel with every in-breath that you're breathing in kindness, breathing out kindness. Even if you don't know what that means, even if it seems abstract, it's okay. Breathing in kindness in this body, breathing out kindness. Or if other words work better for you, breathing in care, breathing out care. Or breathing in mettā^[2], breathing out mettā.

Not so many concepts, trusting your heart. Your mind knows how to do this, you don't have to figure it out. And if there are thoughts: "I can't do this, it's complicated, I'm failing." You know how to do this in kindness, in this moment. Let go of the previous moment, just this moment. Breathing in, breathing out.

Now I have an invitation for you. You can either stay with the breath, or you can explore these invitations. You have a choice. Feeling embodied, feeling the breath in your body. Acknowledging that there is more calm, there is more settledness, even if it's a tiny bit more compared to when you started to sit. Acknowledging, landing in that spaciousness, in that extra bit of calm. As if you're inhabiting it more fully, owning it. "Yes, it's here, I see you. I see you, calm. Settledness." Relaxing your body into it.

And from a place of embodiment, if it feels okay, bring something that was challenging today. Not the biggest challenge, perhaps it's a minor challenge. Open your heart, invite it to this calm, spacious space of kindness. Just that moment, that lived moment. Not into your head, not to think about it—this is different. You invite this moment into your heart as if a hologram, held in your heart with kindness. That moment of challenge, maybe you beat yourself up or whatever it was. Let your heart open and hold it with kindness.

As if you were able to use the momentum of your practice, you relive this moment. Support the karmic knot of that moment of challenge. "Ah yes, I can be kind to myself." Maybe you were kind to yourself already, recognize you were having a difficult time, you were kind, you were wise. And it's not too late. It's not too late now to bring kindness, to bring generosity, compassion to yourself. "It's okay sweetheart, it's okay. That was hard, that was a challenging moment."

And noticing how holding yourself with kindness, maybe something drops away. Maybe some weight drops away, or some recognition arises that it's not needed, that extra weight to carry around. It'd be just a split second of seeing differently and letting go.

Letting go of the whole exercise. Returning to the body, to the breath. Just feeling nourished and breathed for another couple of minutes. Breathing in kindness, breathing out kindness.

May we all have the wisdom, may we trust in our inner wisdom and compassion, and rely on it more and more. So that we can have our bad days well. Live them well as a gift to ourselves, as a gift to others, all beings everywhere. May all beings everywhere, including ourselves, be happy. May they be free.

Thank you for your practice, everyone. May we all learn to practice how to have a bad day well.

Reflections and Q&A

So we have some time for reflections, for questions, for reports from the field. You can type them in chat. If you've typed to me privately, I won't read your name, you'll be private. And if they're typed to everyone, I will read both your name and reflection. And you can also raise your Zoom hand. If it's your physical hand, I will not see you because there are many of us online.

So any reports from the field? What might have come up for you with this practice of just being, just being, not becoming? Letting go of becoming, or any insights came up as you viewed the challenges of your day with more kindness, with more compassion?

Sandy, I see your hand, please.

Sandy: I teach preschool kids and it strikes me how much all this applies to them and pursuing this kind of thing. I haven't been to your event before, but it's so helpful for me to be an even better preschool teacher. To have deep empathy for them and then watching how instead of, "Oh, you shouldn't feel that way," you know, it calms them down. So I think the deeper I go, the better I can be with them. So thank you so much for all of you all that offer this.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, thank you, Sandy. Thank you so much for showing up, for coming to Happy Hour. Welcome. And for doing this practice, both for your own sake and clearly for the sake of those you teach and support, all these little ones. What a beautiful insight: the calmer and the more stable your heart becomes, oh, it's more available to empathize, to hold with compassion these little ones as they're forming these patterns for life. Yes, exactly. Pattern them for life. Really transformational. Yeah, thank you. Thanks, Sandy, beautiful.

Other reflections, questions, aha moments, challenges?

Wendy, please.

Wendy: So I'm pretty new, this is my second Happy Hour. Thank you for you being here and for everybody being here. So I had a really bad day, and I mean, the day was fine, my feelings were really bad and they're not any better now. I mean, and I think like having a bad day well is coming to this rather than distracting myself with something else. But no buts, I just... I still want to... I just want to cry. You know? And so I guess to just trust that feelings pass. They always pass.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yes.

Wendy: And I made a good choice.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yes, yes. Yay! Just as you said. You know, the point of this practice, meditation practice in general—not just mettā and kindness—isn't to make things go away. Because sometimes we try to use it as a, "Make it go away, make it better, make it..." And that's actually using the practice not in a skillful way, because it will trip us up. And it may not go away, the challenges might still be there, but our relationship might be different. The heart, as you said right now, is still heavy like, "Oh, this has been a hard day." And yet the wisdom of having the bad day well: not distracting yourself, but coming to a place where you can sit in silence, feel nourished, have some stability, have more kindness with the support of sangha^[3], that "Oh yeah, there's a little more space right there." And you feel that space. I trust, Wendy. Yeah, I see your thumbs up.

Wendy: Yeah, no, I do, yeah.

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, and it's both trusting that feelings, emotions, everything is transient. Everything is impermanent. Of course, everything is impermanent, right? We have this delusion of permanence like, "It'll never go away, this will never change." So that's part of the realization of, "Sweetheart, it will go away." And yet, I think what I like to say is, learning to be okay with not being okay. That there's so much stability we can have. There's so much spaciousness and trust we can have. Really, that sense of trust we can have that even if things are challenging right now, that we can be okay in the midst of not being okay. There's more to us.

And that our vision, sometimes when things are challenging, our vision gets very small. That's all we see. It's like, "Oh, this is just a challenge we have." It's like a little binocular that's just focused on the challenge, whereas open it up, open it up. There's so much more to you. There's so much more to your heart, to your being, that this challenge is just... yes, it's there, but there's so much more here as well. So these are a few suggestions for holding the difficulty, having a bad day well. Thank you. Thanks, Wendy.

Breakout Rooms and Closing

So, dear ones, let's turn to our small groups, the breakout rooms. Breakout group... breakout rooms, which I like to call them breakthrough rooms because so many breakthroughs really happen in the breakout. And for tonight, as I mentioned, there's a particular prompt. And the prompt is: what is one way that today you have been kind to yourself? And maybe an example is, "Oh, I had a tough day, I brought myself to Happy Hour." This is the way I was kind. This is the way I had a bad day well, just as Wendy was sharing and modeling beautifully. Like one thing that you did. "Oh, I was feeling really cranky and I decided I was tired, I took a nap." That was my kindness to myself. Or whatever it might be, just sharing your one way that wisdom and kindness showed up to meet a difficulty in the day.

And if today there has been no difficulty, or yesterday, this past week, the past month... and of course a new part of human life is to have challenges. But just in case, what way do you meet it? And that way, it's so beautiful to let ourselves be held, witnessed by others, our own care, our own wisdom. And both sharing and letting ourselves be seen. Again, we're sharing these not to educate or impress anyone. That's not the point. The point is to let ourselves be seen and witnessed by others. We're speaking for our own sake. We're speaking for our own sake. These amazing other two human beings are just holding us witness. So each person will share one nugget, not a long monologue, but like one thing you've done today. And then the next person will say one thing, then the next person will say one thing. And then it'll come back to you, you can add more at that point. And the next person, the next person, go around and around. Make sure everybody has plenty of time.

And let's go in the order of first name alphabetical order just to make it simple. And be kind, be kind to yourself, be kind to others, really hold witness with kindness. And also, it's not a good idea to share to... how should I put it? Be judicious with how you share, what you say. You want to feel both comfortable in your heart and also take care of others in a way. So we're always taking care of ourselves and taking care of each other. Okay, I think I've said plenty to set the space. So creating the rooms now. Give me a moment.

And please don't hop off. These rooms can be so supportive. And if you have to go, no judgment. No judgment whatsoever. So creating the rooms, here we go.

And wow, it's right on seven o'clock. I think we had a lot of reflections, so I'll tell you what. I'd like to respect the time and bring the practice to a close, but I'll stay a couple of extra minutes afterwards for those who are on Zoom if there are any reflections you'd like to share, any aha moments that came up from the small groups, would love to hear them.

So let's dedicate the merit^[4]. May all beings everywhere be happy, be well, be free, including ourselves. May all of us practice having a bad day well.

Thank you all.