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Happy Hour: Cultivating Goodwill for a Fellow Human-Being

Whether this is your first time coming to Happy Hour or you are a regular, lovely to see you. Warm welcome, and whatever you need to know will be shared with you, so no previous experience is necessary.

For today's practice—sorry, it could be morning where you are—for this moment's practice, I'm touched by the international sangha, by the nature of all of us here. I'd like to take that as the inspiration for our practice in this moment.

As we're getting started, I'd like to invite you to do a practice of wishing well for someone you don't know, cultivating metta^[1], cultivating goodwill, cultivating friendliness. It makes us happy actually; that's why it's called Happy Hour, practicing these practices. Even though it seems like we're giving gifts to others, we're actually giving a gift to ourselves. It makes us happy, it opens our hearts.

Before we get into our meditation posture, I'd like to invite you to choose someone you don't know. For those of you who have your videos off, if it's possible to turn them on for a moment, that would be great, and if not that's okay too. In a moment I'm going to invite each of you to choose somebody you don't know. On their image there will be three dots and one of them says "pin video." Pin their video, someone you don't know.

There might be someone somewhere in the world you don't know if you're being chosen by them. Also feel free to choose one of the people who are on the phone, or who for various reasons can't turn their camera on. If you can't pin anyone's video, don't worry about it. Just choose someone and direct your metta at them. Actually, I see lots of people don't have access to pin video. Let me see if I change the chat... Okay, try to see if the pin thing works now. Technical difficulties, I love it. Does it work? Can you pin people? Still no? Okay, well it's disabled. It's not my doing, it's just not allowing us to do it, so let's not worry about it. It's all good. Just choose someone, forget about the pinning thing.

This person that you've chosen, ideally someone you don't know, is a stand-in for all of humanity. This being, just like you, wants to be happy. Just like you, this being has hopes and dreams. Just like you, they have challenges in their lives. They have disappointments. They've had sadness, just like you. This person, this being that you're looking at, just like you, is the object of affection of someone. This person is dear to somebody. Just like you, this person cares for somebody else. They have care and concern for parents, for a child, for a sibling, for a friend. Just like you, they've experienced physical pain. Because they have a body, they've experienced pain. They've been sick. Just like you, they're aging. Just like you, they have a complex inner life. Very complex inner life, just as yours is complex. And just as you find your life dear, their life is dear to them. They want to be happy.

Keeping a sense of this being, who might be different from you in age and gender—you don't know where in the world they live—and keeping a sense of this random person who is standing for all of humanity, I'm going to invite you to close your eyes.

Reflections and Q&A

Thanks everyone for your practice. I'd like to invite you, if you wish to share a phrase or a word, what's coming up for you, and you can put it in chat if you wish tonight. The words that are coming up for me... okay, two words: one is a sense of generosity, and generosity of heart, this expansiveness of wishing well for people. And what's also coming up for me is a calming effect, settling, relaxing. I feel like I've taken a good nap, but of course I've been present, I've been guiding you, so I haven't slept. But there's a refreshing aspect to it.

Lisa offers "warmth." Thank you Lisa. Ruth offers "softness." Bill offers "intense." Liz offers "nourishment." Thank you all. Mary Christine offers "connection." Elizabeth, "togetherness." Thank you for all these offerings. Olly offers "inside peace."

And on YouTube earlier we've had this offering: "Never has it been easier to wish happiness and peace to my community around. They really need it, I'm in Kenosha." Ah yes, holding you and everyone in Kenosha with goodwill and with compassion. Thank you for bringing that in, the challenges. Ah, may all beings be well, whatever their state, their condition, their state of mind. Thank you for that.

Anyone, you're welcome to now unmute yourself if you wish to offer a verbal reflection, or expand on what you put in the chat, or ask a question. What worked, what didn't, something you observed? Please.

Ah yeah, so Mary Christine asks that I mention the research that was done where people imagine someone eating their favorite vegetable. Could I expand on that? Sure, happy to.

Just to say, part of the inspiration for today's practice came from yesterday, where we did a similar practice with wishing well, cultivating goodness, goodwill for someone we don't know, but we chose someone random in the world today. Our entryway was different, and also what we were kind of emphasizing a little bit yesterday was the aspect of samadhi^[2], the calming of the mind, staying with the same object for the mind to really settle. Yesterday lots of questions and comments came up and there was not enough time, so I said I'll do it again tomorrow, so here we are doing it again and exploring it slightly differently.

So the research actually that was done, they put people in an fMRI machine, so they're seeing the activity, the areas of their brain that were lighting up. And they showed them an image of a homeless person, and this was part of a bigger study of people whom we relate to and people we don't relate to. People whom we consider on the different dimensions of warmth and capacity. It turns out that someone whom you don't really relate to, for example a homeless person whom you might consider neither warm nor having capacity, the areas of the brain that would light up when you're relating to another human being may not light up.

And then they asked, "Okay, imagine this homeless person. Imagine what kind of vegetable they like to eat." Or their favorite vegetable. Then the area of the brain that processes the connection to other human beings, that area lit up. So people started to see this homeless person that they first saw as an object, they started to see them as a human being, imagining what they liked to eat. That's what I was referring to. It's not just homeless people, or people who on these two dimensions of capacity and warmth are lower, but anyone. If you imagine, as I was inviting you, imagine this person eating their favorite ice cream, ah, there's a sense of connection. "Yeah, just like me, they are a human being, they have these emotions just like me." So that's what the research was.

Oh, that's great. In the chat: "Because I enjoyed imagining my partner eating ice cream. I imagined it was pistachio and it brought me so much joy." Yes, isn't it interesting, imagining what another person eats brings you joy! So experiment with that. I experimented with that myself and it brought me a lot of joy when I was imagining this person whom I don't know, giving them that... oh yeah, chocolate ice cream. That's what I like too! It's fun, it just brought them more alive.

These are all skillful means, these are tools we have. Because we have this connection to others, but yet we may not see their humanity. When we can see their humanity, we can connect more and offer and plant these seeds of goodness in our heart, which actually makes us happy. When we offer someone else safety, when we wish them well, we feel better ourselves, hence happier.

Alright, any other questions or reflections? You are welcome to unmute yourself, I think I changed the settings didn't I? Yes I did. Before we get into groups, any questions or comments? Especially for those of you who are new, this might have been complicated. Everything is welcome.

Ah yes, thank you. Yuka's question, which I missed earlier: "What to do when it is difficult to connect to the inner peaceful place?" Ah, no problem. Sometimes it's not peaceful inside, it's not peaceful at all, it's lots of thoughts. And that's what's happening. The invitation there is not to try to fight it. Don't try to make it peaceful. Don't try to go, "Oh, gotta be peaceful, I'm meditating." It doesn't have to be peaceful. Make peace. Make space. Make space for the lack of peacefulness.

Sometimes when I sit and there's a lot of thinking or distractions, for example, coming up, I say, "Oh, distracted Buddha today. The distracted Buddha is sitting and practicing." So accepting. You can say anything you want, but basically it doesn't have to be a Buddha, but I'm just kind of like, "This is what's happening right now, it's a distracted mind." When you make space for that lack of peacefulness... don't make peacefulness the object of "if I'm peaceful then my meditation is successful." It's being with what is here, being with things just as they are. There is so much freedom and peace with being with things just as they are. There can be peace with the rigamarole, with the busyness. Does that make sense, Yuka? You're backlit so I didn't quite see your hand gestures. Does that make sense? Yes? Great.

Yeah, so it's making peace with whatever is arising. There can be a sense of peace holding what's arising, instead of necessarily trying to make it peaceful and quiet inside. Making it more spacious.

Another great question, and after this one then we'll go into groups. The question is: "How do I know if I'm doing metta right, not just mouthing words?" Excellent question. Trust that you're planting seeds. It keeps coming up, and I don't know if you were here yesterday, Sheila. It was great because... Bill, is it okay if I recount what you shared yesterday? Yes? Thank you.

Bill was sharing yesterday that he feels that half of the time when he's doing this he's sleepy or, you know, I might be paraphrasing, but roughly like, "Am I doing this right?" And then he's noticing, "Wait, something is shifting in my life. I'm kinder, I'm noticing I'm being different in ways that, oh yeah, this is working, even though there's a question of what's happening." So similarly, thank you for allowing me to share this, I would say trust that you're planting seeds. Just hang in there and look at your life. See if you're being kinder, less judgmental to yourself, with others. Look there. I know you're not just mouthing words. A lot of people think, "Am I doing it right?" Yes, you are doing it right. So instead of asking yourself "am I doing it right" when the doubt comes up, say, "Yeah, I am doing it right, this is exactly how it happens."

And we'll check in again, alright? Let's get into groups because the time is running out. The invitation now is we're going to get into small groups of three, and yay, these are the people you were just wishing well for, and they were wishing well for you. In a small group, it doesn't matter what you say. It's not so much about what you say, it's about how you show up. You might just actually sit in silence with these other two beings and wish them well while they wish you well. Or you might say a few words about how the practice was. There's no right or wrong, but it's just showing up with that energy, in that way of holding yourself with kindness, and holding others, knowing that you're held. It's just about the space that is shared, not about the words. If words come up, if you say a few things, check in, great. If not, no problem. We'll do it for six minutes, it'll be shorter tonight, and we'll do a little bit of check-in afterwards. If doing practice in groups is not appropriate for you today, no problem. All good, see what's right for you. I'm going to create the groups now. Here we go. Okay.

And the rooms are now closed and everybody's coming back. Welcome back everyone. I just put in chat the name of the paper that actually has the research that I mentioned, for those of you who are interested. It's called From Dehumanization and Objectification to Rehumanization: Neuroimaging Studies on the Building Blocks of Empathy by Susan Fiske, 2009. I'll also put this in the chat, it's a fascinating paper, I put the NIH abstract pointer in the chat also.

So, gosh, time is... well maybe we can have just one reflection or something. How was that? I'd love to hear your voice.

A student shared: "It's good as I listen to Bill and share with me the experience, because I'm quite new over here, so yeah it's quite a good thing. Because inside I'm not really sure how to focus, because I feel a bit distracted by the outside, but then build the positive energy as well."

Great, great. So you're saying that given that you're new, you weren't quite sure what to expect, but it just felt good to be with others in the room, is that what I'm hearing you say? Keep on trying, beautiful. It's about practice, that's why it's called a practice, over and over and over again. Fantastic. Please come back, Louise, it's great. Thank you.

And Liz, your hand is up, please.

Liz shared: "I didn't share this with my group but it did come up, the concept of it not always being easy to cultivate metta. I'm curious, when I notice my mind wander when I'm doing metta, I get a bit more frustrated with myself, because I'm thinking, 'Oh man, why can't I continuously cultivate these thoughts for 15 minutes like it should be?' And then I feel bad like I've done them a disservice. I'm curious if you have a response to that, like should I send myself metta?"

Yes, absolutely send yourself metta! That's exactly it, because the idea is cultivating goodwill. It doesn't matter who the object is. In the moment when you're distracted, especially if you're being judgmental, it's like, "Oh, sweetie, hold yourself with metta." It doesn't matter, hold the judgmental thoughts with metta, right? Just have kindness all around, that's what the point is.

And that person is really serving you, or their memory, their image is serving you. They don't even know. And there's no sense of, "Oh, you're actually wishing them well, they're going to get better or heal." We don't have any of those associations in this practice. It's just their image is serving you to cultivate your heart and goodness. So you're not doing anybody a disservice by your mind just being a puppy. "Oh, come sweet puppy." It's not doing anybody a disservice, so thanks for bringing that up.

Okay, we've gone a few minutes over time. Thank you for your patience. I wish you all a wonderful weekend. May you be happy, may you be well, may you spread your light of generosity.

[Laughter]

Thank you all, you can unmute yourself and say goodbye to everyone if you wish. Thank you everyone, thank you Nikki. Very sweet. Thank you all, bye-bye.