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Happy Hour: Generous Love -- Not About Me, Myself, and I

Introduction

Okay, so hello and welcome to Happy Hour, everyone. For today's practice, I'd like to invite us to consider the practice of metta^[1] without so much self-occupation in it—without self-preoccupation. I'll say a few words to set the frame, and then I will lead us into meditation so we can explore it together and see what kind of flavors come up, what we discover.

When we care, when we have metta—loving-kindness, friendliness, etc.—a lot of times there is a sense of self-preoccupation that can still be in there, either in the relationship or in the moment. It could be a sense of, "Oh, I like you, I wish you well." There could be some attachment in it. There's this self involved. Maybe it's conditional care: "May you be well, I love you so that you will love me back, so that you would think that I'm worthy, nice, and kind." There might just be nuances; it may not be too overt, but there might be nuances of the self being entangled in there. Like, "Oh, I am wishing you well, what a wonderful practitioner or human being I am." There could be different nuances and flavors of the self butting in, instead of just pure care and love without the self-concern. Those are some ways it can show up.

It can also show up in the moment of practice: "Oh, I'm too tired," or "This is too hard for me," or "This is where I'm having too many emotions," or "My mind is not stable enough." Just different flavors of self-preoccupation can come in. I'm kind of making light of it a little bit, making a caricature of it just to point it out. It may not be that gross; it might be more subtle. Again, it doesn't make you a bad person, a bad Buddhist, or a bad practitioner. It's just interesting to notice, right? We cultivate awareness, we cultivate mindfulness so that we're aware of what's happening.

The invitation tonight, as I'll guide us through it, is: what if it's not about me? It's not about us. What if it's not about me, about this being, the self of mine? What if it's not about me at all? What if it's just an expression of love, an expression of care, an expression of goodwill, regardless of what I get out of this, regardless of whether I become happier out of this, regardless of what you will think of me or our relationship, regardless of any of that? Just sitting, landing, being in goodness and kindness, and letting it radiate from nowhere. It could be through you, or it just is. Perhaps you're reflecting it; perhaps you're like a mirror that takes and reflects the kindness from the universe. And the mirror is just reflective; it's not like, "Oh, look at me, I'm a mirror." It doesn't absorb; it doesn't color the light, it just reflects it without showing up too much. So we'll play with different metaphors.

Just to bring one other consideration in, for those practitioners who like the practice or have been practicing for a while, and perhaps are familiar and curious with the concept in Buddhism of practicing not-self—it's not personal. This is one way that the practice of metta, cultivating goodwill, can really merge with the practice of anatta^[2] (not-self) or shunyata^[3] (emptiness). That there isn't really so much about us in this entanglement; it is just love flowing out of emptiness.

So, all right, without making it too heady, let's practice. Let's come to our bodies first and foremost.

Guided Meditation

I invite you to arrive. Arriving in your body. Landing. However you're sitting or lying down.

Inviting this body to relax, to soften. To land. To land in this moment. As if you are putting this body down, lovingly, kindly.

Allowing the breath to move on its own, in and out. Not so much controlling the breath; the breath is breathing you. It's been doing it all these years, so let it continue. Without making breathing a project.

With each breath, each out-breath, letting the body relax, soften, land. Connect more with the earth supporting you through your feet, under your sit bones, all the contact points.

And just inviting the awareness—expansive, spacious, relaxed awareness—to receive the breath and the sensations of the body. Just to settle and calm in calm abiding. For the next few minutes, arriving, settling, here, now.

Notice if there's any joy, delight in the process of being breathed. Simply in this moment.

And if thoughts and preoccupations arise in this moment, kindly, gently noticing what's arisen. Is it possible to ever so gently put down the preoccupations, the stories? Isn't it interesting they all have to do with "me, myself, and mine"?

Having some humor, some lightness, kindness with your mind as it likes to think. Gently, lovingly: "Thank you, sweetie. Thank you, dear mind. It's okay. We can put this down right now. It's okay. Thank you for your hard work."

This moment, just being breathed. Simplicity. Delicious simplicity of just sitting and being breathed.

And notice, we're not trying to get rid of the self, just noticing that it's arising with all self-preoccupied thoughts. Lightheartedly, smilingly: "Oh, here it is." Can we gently put it down on the next out-breath, maybe just for one breath?

Noticing, for those breaths when there is no preoccupation—ah, oh, freer. How much freer, more open the heart and mind feel. How much more spacious.

Okay. Now I'd like to invite you to bring to your heart, to your mind, someone for whom your care, your affection, kindness, metta, wishes of well-being, maybe love, flow with. And you think of this being. It could be a person, could be a pet, it could be a child. You think of this being, maybe there's a sense of ease, a sense of safety. Maybe a smile shows up just naturally. Wish them well. Bringing them to your heart, to your mind, to your mind's eye.

And now, instead of seeing them from your vantage point through your eyes, imagine this being is just being held, being seen. As if they're standing on stage in an amphitheater, a performance hall. There they are. There's space all around them.

It's not just you. They're being held. And can they be held in care and love and goodwill? Can they be showered in goodwill? You could be witnessing it, but it's not about you. It's not about us. Your visualization might be helpful. Imagine them being showered with flowers coming from every direction, as if it were metta, these flower petals.

Maybe all the beings are in this concert hall all around, or maybe the seats are empty. See what works best for you. But somehow, from all around, the phrases of metta are being directed to this being, to this dear one.

I'll say the traditional phrases; you can use whatever phrase works for you.

"May you be safe. May you be safe from inner and outer harm."

Imagine them receiving that. Again, maybe there's a chorus or it's silent. So it's not about you. You could be joining or you could be witnessing with care, with love, but it's not about you. This metta is freely offered, this care, this goodwill.

"May you be safe from inner and outer harm, dear one."

Hearing the second phrase of metta chanted maybe by all the participants, or somehow coming through the empty seats. See what works for you.

"May you be happy. May you be happy and joyful."

The third metta phrase: "May you be healthy and strong. May you be healthy and strong."

The fourth metta phrase: "May your life flow with ease. May you take care of yourself happily."

"May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you have ease."

And watching, witnessing, beholding your dear being comfortable. Maybe sitting, standing, could be in a comfortable chair on the stage, just receiving the metta, the care all around them. All these good wishes for their safety, for their happiness, for their health and well-being.

What do you want for them? What do you wish for them?

They're receiving it. They're wrapped in it, showered in it.

Maybe it occurs to you that for your dear being, there are many people who hold this person with affection, with warmth, with care. All of you joining your hearts, your good wishes. So it's not just about you wishing them well. All of you, all the people in this person's life perhaps filling this hall all around. Together you're wishing them well. Wishing this being well.

It's about giving love freely, generously. Not about me, not about mine.

Such an act of generosity. As if you've organized a surprise blessing ceremony for them. They're being showered with goodwill, care, good wishes by all the people who care about them.

And whether you feel tired, the mind feels distracted, the body feels achy, can you remind yourselves, "It's not about me. It's not about me in this moment." Is it not possible for just a moment to take self-preoccupations out and just generously witness, share goodwill, kindness? See what happens.

For the last couple of minutes of this practice, letting go of your self-preoccupations, and this being who is you shows up as you in the world. Let them step in. Step into the center, together with your dear being, and both of you receive goodwill, good wishes. Just receiving, generously offered from all the beings in the hall.

And not get in your own way with self-preoccupation: "But I'm not worthy of it, not good enough." Letting that go. This being who is you, just receiving. It's not about you. Get yourself out of there. Just receiving metta, just receiving goodwill.

Letting it land. Letting it be received. Sink into your bones. This being who is you is deserving of care, of love, of metta, as much as anyone else.

In some ways, it's not about you, the self-reflections, preoccupation. Just the being who you are deserves absolute love and compassion, so let this being receive it.

May all beings, including ourselves, know their own goodness, that they're deserving of love. May all beings be free.

Thanks everyone. Thank you for your practice.

Reflections and Q&A

So, I'd love to hear your reflections. What did you notice? What was this like for you? What might have opened up in this different way of entering into metta?

I'll change the chat settings. If you type in chat to everyone, I'll read your name; if you just send it to me privately, I won't read your name. You can also raise your Zoom hand to share your reflection. It can also be about the first part, about calming and settling our minds. Did you notice if, with the out-breath, if you put down preoccupations, if there was more spaciousness, more ease when the preoccupations were put down?

And also, maybe how this practice of creating a circle of benefactors for your dear being. In the past, I've taught the circle of benefactors where we created it for ourselves and we receive from people who care about us, but here you basically threw a surprise party, a blessing ceremony for someone you care about in your heart. To see, oh, what does that feel like? How is there a sense of generosity, goodness that can come up when we take ourselves out of that? So I'd love to hear what you noticed, how this was for you.

You can raise your Zoom hand; it's under reactions or under participants, depending on the version of Zoom you have.

Yes, Kim, please.

Kim: It was lovely. Very spacious. And I had a nice progression from my breath feeling kind of contrived or thick, to it feeling fresh and cool, and that was nice. I chose my son who's an actor. It was like, you know, he's a TV actor, and imagining him... he's filming right now. And so it's like everybody's on the set, and then all his friends added, and then all the people that are watching him on the show, and that felt really good. And then... Bill, I hope you don't mind, I was so pleased to see that you were back, and that made me joyous when I came on. And so Bill came into the circle when I came in. The three of us—Carlo, Bill, and I—were huddled, and we had all of Carlo's friends, the set, the actors, and the people viewing him. We were taking advantage of that.

Nikki Mirghafori: That's pretty cool. Oh my god, Kim, it just makes me so happy! I'm happy hearing your practice report, it's just so joyous what you're describing with your son on the set, and being happy that Bill has come here and him joining you. And Bill says, "Glad to see you too, Kim" in the chat. That's sweet. You know, this song of support in your practice, it just delights me to no end. Thank you, Kim. It was really sweet to hear the progression from the contracted breath to all the joyousness that you're talking about. I loved it. Thank you. Delights me to no end, yeah, sweet.

Any other reflections you'd like to share? Any challenges, any questions?

Jerry says, "It felt more nurturing and less just about one-to-one, and as a result more powerful for a crowd of folks wishing a person well."

Yeah. Beautiful. Thanks for that observation.

And what I also noticed, too, I was having a great time imagining my dear being just being showered. So there was also a sense of mudita^[4]—vicarious joy—for them being showered. It was interesting to explore the sense of self kind of getting a little softer or not being so strong this way.

Another message: "I've had a hard time in the past trying to hang out in the field of metta, but with this image I could really access that."

Yay! Oh, that makes me so glad. Yay for the person who sent me this reflection. I'm celebrating. That makes me very glad, yay! So great. This is always available to you this way. It's wonderful to know what works. We explore so many different things and each way just opens up a new dimension.

So dear ones, we can save some time for on the other end when we come out of practice groups. In the practice groups, you can come together with a couple of other practitioners and have a little metta party together.

Oh, Kimberly has one more reflection. I'll share this and then we'll go into groups: "I chose someone that I saw briefly, someone that I couldn't relate to at all and for whom I felt a kind of repulsion because she was smoking a cigarette and looked contracted and self-centered. I found that she was soaked in the safety, but only after shock and awe, and then she was able to open to the support and love that was coming her way. And when we were together, we were holding hands and reaching out to our support group."

Wow. Thank you, Kimberly. I'm getting chills reading your reflection. Yeah, you went for the challenging category. I love it! And it opened up in this way. Oh, beautiful, beautiful. That's profound. Thank you for sharing that. Lovely.

Oh, I am so inspired by all of your practice, everyone. I'm so inspired by all of your practice, thank you. So, let me make the breakout groups. It'll be groups of three, and let's start with 15 seconds of metta silently for each other, then you can share as much or as little as you want with your practice partners. Yay, practicing in community! So here we go, opening the rooms, enjoy!

[Breakout sessions occur]

Okay, the rooms will be closed, and they're closed. Everyone is back. Welcome back everyone! We have a few minutes for any reflections, especially if you haven't spoken already or if you haven't spoken for a while. We'd love to hear from you. What did you notice? Don't be shy, I'd love to hear about your insights. And you're welcome to raise your Zoom hand.

Yes, the voice that says "Recording in progress" is a new Zoom addition so that when I turn on the recording, everybody gets notified. So that's what's happening.

Richard, please.

Richard: Am I unmuted? Oh, I just wondered about if you find yourself sending metta to someone who's ill, for example, I mean does it turn into compassion? Is it alright if you mix the two?

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, yeah. So basically, when metta, which is loving-kindness, which is goodwill, comes in contact with suffering, it becomes compassion. It gets expressed as compassion. Compassion is metta plus suffering. So that's what you're experiencing; it becomes compassion. It holds the suffering. So is that what the question is? Also if there's more needed here, I'm not as confused as I thought. No, you're not at all. You're right on. Right on, Richard. Thank you.

Jeff, please.

Jeff: Yeah, thank you, Nikki. I guess one insight I had was that what we commonly regard as love in our culture, like the romantic version of love, is just totally and entirely about self, really. I mean, that's really what it's about. It's like, "I love you because of how you're going to make me feel." And this is just like taking the self out of it. It takes away that romantic type of love, just takes that, seems like to me, it takes that just off the table. It's just a totally different kind of a thing. But I'm just curious, what do you think about the relationship between metta as we're practicing and romantic love? Is there some overlap perhaps that I'm not seeing?

Nikki Mirghafori: Yeah, yeah, there's absolutely overlap, Jeff, and I so appreciate you bringing it in. Often our concept of romantic love in this culture is love and affection plus attachment plus obligation—a contractual, you know, "I love you so you love me." It has strings attached, right? So it is possible to have romantic love without attachment. We don't have to limit it to that. It can be, "I love you just as you are," just with generosity.

And there are some couples, many couples, who actually reach that stage, and it's such a beautiful stage of romantic love, that you just love the other person just as they are with a sense of unconditional love. And it's sacred, it's holy, it's beautiful, it's non-transactional. So absolutely, there's overlap. But let us not limit our concept of romantic love to be this small version of what it can really be. Yeah, thank you for that.

So dear ones, we have come to the end of another Happy Hour together. Thank you so much for the gift of your practice. May all beings be happy, may all beings be well, including us.

Thanks everyone, be well, take care, see you on Wednesday.