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Brahmavihāras: Equanimity (3 of 5)

The topic for today is to continue the discussion from yesterday. The general topic is equanimity, specifically equanimity as a form of care or love for the world and for others. It is the ability to not be bothered by what is going on with others and ourselves. It means keeping a kind of steadiness, calmness, or ease of mind so that our love is not agitated by the challenges of this world.

As I have been saying, it is important that the mind doesn't get caught up in pursuing, engaging, or trying to fix all kinds of things that disturb our love and equanimity. We shouldn't get too quickly into wanting to fix things. On the other hand, it is about not getting caught up in repulsion, pushing away, not being able to stay present, closing down, or turning away from what is going on. Instead, we want to be able to stay open and wise without anxiously getting involved unnecessarily or inappropriately, especially when we can't do anything or when it's not appropriate for us to try to fix or do something.

There are many reasons why it is not appropriate to actively get involved. One is that sometimes it is better to let people find their own way. We can offer our support in terms of our presence, appreciation, and encouragement, but if we do everything for other people, we don't let them grow strong.

There is a beautiful story that went around some years ago about a person who comes across a cocoon where a butterfly is about to be born. The butterfly is struggling to come out of the cocoon. The caring person wants to help, so they pull on some of the threads to loosen up the space so the butterfly can come out. When the butterfly finally comes out, it falls to the ground, never flies, and dies. What the caring person didn't know is that it is only in the struggle to get free of the cocoon that the butterfly lubricates its wings enough to be able to fly properly. The struggle is needed for the butterfly.

One of the reasons not to get too involved in other people's struggles is when they need to be left alone to find their own way, learn, develop, and strengthen. If we do it for them, they never grow. They never face themselves. This is especially true spiritually. If someone fixes all our problems for us, we will never develop the insight, capacity, and inner strength to address our problems for ourselves.

One of the things that gets in the way of staying equanimous, loving, and unagitated for many people is a sense of responsibility. I certainly identify with this; one of my Achilles heels has been, and maybe still is a little bit, the sense of being responsible for too many things—being responsible for other people, how they feel, and needing to somehow get involved.

We must allow people the autonomy to make their own actions and choices, realizing it is not up to us what choices they make. We can support them and offer guidance and advice, but ultimately people make choices for themselves. Taking too much responsibility for how people feel and the outcomes of their lives is to get agitated and lose equanimity. In some ways, we also lose the clarity of love and goodwill when responsibility kicks in in an unhealthy way.

In order to maintain equanimous care, love, and goodwill, it is useful to look at this topic of responsibility. I find it interesting that the English word "responsibility" has a wide range of meanings that, as far as I can tell, are different in some other cultures. I read once that one of the first people to study the Iroquois Nation claimed there was no word in that language for responsibility, yet they had a very successful and noble civilization without it.

If you look in the Pali-English dictionary, there is a very small handful of words that the Englishmen who made the dictionary over a hundred years ago chose to translate as "responsibility." However, the main meanings of those words are things like "burden." "Burden" isn't quite a satisfying definition for the English word "responsibility." It's almost as if the word doesn't quite work in the languages of the Buddha.

I speak Norwegian, and in Norwegian, the word for responsibility is ansvar, which is a cognate of the English word "answer." It means what you have to answer for, what you are accountable for. It is probably closer in meaning to the French or Italian words for "respond" (répondre). There is a different word for obligation or duty in Norwegian, which is plikt. These are two different words.

In English, it seems to me that the ideas of obligation, duty, and accountability are all bundled into the range of meanings of "responsibility." So much so that responsibility often comes across as something we are obligated to do. In the Norwegian word ansvar, we are accountable for what we do; we have to answer for what we do.

If we take the English word "responsibility" to mean that we are responsible for our actions, that aligns clearly with Buddhist ways of thinking. We are responsible for how we act, what we do, and the choices we make. We are accountable for the outcome. What is not in Buddhism is this idea that we carry with us an innate obligation and duty to become free, to be loving, to be kind, or to be responsible for other people. Responsibility is not this weight that we carry with us.

In some ways, Buddhist practice frees us from a certain understanding of responsibility—the sense of obligation and duty. As far as I can tell, there is nothing in the teachings of the Buddha suggesting any sense of obligation in doing spiritual practice or in life. There is no obligation to be loving, generous, or caring for other people. It is not a duty; it is an opportunity and a choice. It is something we might want to do, but not because we are obligated to do it.

The only reason we have obligation in Buddhism is if we have made a promise, a vow, or a commitment, or if we have a purpose that we want to fulfill. For example, if you want to discover the benefits of meditation and dedicate your life to living them out, that requires that we meditate. But the teachings very much free us from the sense of obligation and duty in favor of being accountable for the choices we make and the actions we take. We have to answer for the consequences of them, for ourselves as well as for other people.

This sense of freedom from obligatory responsibility means that we can enter into different situations with a fresh and clear mind, ready to respond. We have the ability to meet the situation as it is, without carrying the notions and ideas of what we "have" to do and "should" do. These ideas are often a trigger for reactivity, making us upset that things aren't going along a certain way, or feeling like we aren't doing what we are supposed to do.

Entering a situation without obligation and then responding as appropriate makes it easier to love. Love is then not burdened by duty or the feeling that we have to fix the situation. We can just be there and figure out what is needed. This equanimity—the love of equanimity found in the brahmavihāras^[1]—is very valuable as the first way in which we meet a person or a situation. It is a way of discovering and finding out what is there.

If we enter a new situation and automatically try to be compassionate before we even know the person, it can be a little burdensome for them. Or, if we are already feeling sympathetic joy before we know anything about them, we might actually do them a disservice. If someone they love just died and we are jumping forth with our appreciation of how wonderful they are, or if we have too much goodwill before there is a chance for real connection, it comes off as inappropriate.

The ability to have non-reactive love—love that doesn't carry responsibility and obligation but is just there like an open door, ready to meet whoever comes through and respond accordingly—is crucial. If you have an Achilles heel of feeling responsibility as obligation or duty, it helps to see this and not be caught by it. Let it just be water that washes by as you hold yourself steady in your love and care for the world. Don't be tripped up by obligation and duty, even if other people expect that of you. It is possible to love, be generous, be kind, and have very rich and warm relationships without any sense of duty and obligation, unless you've made promises.

I hope this is helpful as we explore the topic of equanimity, and we will continue tomorrow. Thank you.