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Happy Hour: Meeting Ourselves with Kindness

Introduction

Hey Kim. Hello everyone, my name is Ines and I'm from Houston. Hi Ines, welcome, good to see you. And this is San Mateo. Hi Susan. Hello, I'm Holly from New York. Hi Holly, welcome. And also Bill says hello from Dallas, and Fazo says hi from Chicagoland. Amy says Aloha from Oahu, and Deb is sending warm greetings from New England. Hugh, hi. Violet from Portland. Violet, you're still in Portland. Hi Kittycon who's joining us from Thailand; it's 8 A.M. there. Good morning Kittycon joining us from YouTube, and hello to all the YouTube friends for joining us right now as well as Zoom friends. And hi Peggy from Southern Utah. Very cool.

I think the space has been warmed up, so I say let's begin. Let's begin. And this formal beginning is the cue for Neil to post information in the chat about Happy Hour Google Groups. If you are new to Happy Hour, you are warmly welcomed to join the slow traffic mailing list. Quotes or shared references are shared; it's a way to keep up with the Sangha^[1]. I like to say it's low in traffic and high in heart.

So the other changes as we transition to the formal part after we say hello is I change the settings so accidental unmuting won't be possible. I also change the chat settings so that chats will only come to the host, who's me, but I ask you to keep the chat channel quiet. I will open it afterwards; it can be quite distracting when I'm teaching to receive a chat, but I will open it afterwards. And the last of the preliminaries is I turn on the recording for Audio Dharma, the audio recording. Here we go.

Great. So hello and welcome everyone. It's a delight to see you. Whether you are new to Happy Hour, welcome, a warm welcome, lovely to have you joining. And if you're an old-timer, welcome, lovely that you're joining again from wherever in the world you are joining. And yes, more hellos are coming through from Sydney. I think it's the afternoon that time. John is joining in. Barbara. Anyway, it just always gladdens my heart, the hello part of our coming together. When people talk about different time zones and this feeling that we are practicing together even though it seems like we're practicing alone and showing up on Zoom or YouTube, we really are supporting one another. We really are supporting one another, and this community is a lovely, beautiful community who's been meeting more or less for about three and a half years online. So it just makes me so happy that we continue to practice together.

Guided Meditation

So for today's practice, what I'd like to do is to not introduce a theme ahead of time, but actually introduce the theme ever so gently, drop it into the meditation. It'll be light, there won't be too much, but that's the way we're going to do it today.

So let's settle in. Let's settle in, and if you're sitting in a chair, see what your body needs to sit comfortably. And if you need to shift or move to lie down, that's perfectly fine, or stand up. I'm going to assume that you're sitting.

So sitting, listening with a sense of ease in the body. Relaxing, inviting the body to relax. When the body relaxes, the mind can relax. So first we invite the body to relax. Let go of the weight of your torso onto the chair or the cushion. Let it support you. Let go of the weight of your legs, your feet onto the earth. Let go of the weight of your arms, your hands onto your lap. No resistance.

Let awareness be kind, be gentle and spacious. There is not so much doing, but receiving. Receiving the body relaxed, the sensations of the body. Receiving the breath in the abdomen. And let awareness greet the breath in the abdomen, the entirety of the in-breath, as if greeting a dear friend. The entirety of the breath, pause. The entirety of the out-breath, the pause. Let it be joyful. There is no 'should'. It's a gift. This breath is a gift. Can we receive it gladly? Needed in this moment, gladly.

As the awareness greets the breath in the body, in the abdomen. This in-breath, this out-breath. With friendliness. With newness. This breath is new. It's never been here before like this, in this moment.

[Laughter]

And as the awareness greets the breath with kindness, with friendliness, as if a good friend: "Hello friend. Hi, welcome. Glad you're here, dear breath." Then it's as if the breath also is greeting you, greeting your body with goodwill, with kindness. Filling your lungs, your body, with oxygen, with energy, with goodness. Let yourself relax and receive the goodness.

And if you notice awareness is wandering with all past, future, this and that, it's okay. Be kind. Be kind. You have a choice to either berate yourself for having wandered and gotten distracted, or take delight at the moment when you become aware in this moment. 50/50. You have a choice. Choose kindness. Choose goodwill, celebration, delight.

If thoughts come up that are challenging: "You're not doing this right, this is boring. What am I doing?" Or any other type of challenging thought. Make space. Make space with kindness. If you push it away, if you fight it, you give it more energy. Take a breath, relax, smile. Smile at the thought, and maybe in a very friendly way, very friendly humorous way, as if you're joking with a dear friend: "Is that so? Is that so?"

This question is meant to bring some curiosity, interest, gentle, kind humor, so that we're not stuck in our habitual patterns of the mind. "Is that so, dear? Is this so? Is that so?"

And if the space of the heart is quiet, let the breath be nourishing. Let the knowing of the breath be an act of kindness to yourself. Goodwill, friendliness. Very simple, very simple. Relaxing and receiving each breath with friendliness.

Thank you.

May I meet this moment with kindness. May I meet this moment as a friend. May I meet myself with kindness. May I be a good friend to myself.

Thank you.

If there's any tension in the body, relax the body. Maybe taking a deep breath and relaxing the body, softening. Connecting, reconnecting with the breath. Meeting this breath as a friend. Meeting this moment as a friend. Yourself as a friend.

What if you stepped outside of yourself for a moment and saw yourself, this being who is you, doing their best. The challenges are the gifts they're given. See yourself as a dear friend would, appreciating you, having love for you. Maybe even as you see yourself through the perspective of a dear friend, you are moved to offer a hug, or support, or care, a supportive hand. Maybe a smile, a word of encouragement. Maybe something like: "You're doing your best, sweetie. It's okay." Or, "I care for you. Thank you."

"I care for you. Thank you. I love you." Or whatever version, a friendly, kind sentiment feels appropriate. Seeing yourself with friendly eyes.

And whenever it feels appropriate, stepping back into yourself. Connecting with the breath at this moment, with yourself, with this body, with friendliness and kindness.

Thank you.

And in your mind's eye, inviting a good friend, or a relative, someone who's easy for you to feel care for. Bring them to your mind's eye, into your heart's space, and sharing this friendliness, this sense of goodwill for them. Wishing them well in these moments. May you be happy and well.

And trusting that this being is not so different from you. They just want to be happy. They don't want to suffer. They're doing the best they're able to in this life, with all they have been given, gifts and challenges alike. Wishing both of you well. May both of us be well, have ease, meet ourselves with friendliness.

And as we turn to bring this meditation session to a close, opening the circle, opening it wide. All beings. All humans everywhere, all beings. They just want to be happy, they don't want to suffer. We're not so different in our humanity. Just as I want to be happy, just as I want to be well, as I wish myself well, I wish others well. May all beings everywhere be well. May they meet themselves and each other with goodwill and friendliness.

Trusting. Trusting that we have planted seeds of goodwill, kindness towards ourselves, towards others. The seeds will ripen, will come to fruition in their own time, not our time. So letting go of whatever happened or did not happen during the sit. Being kind to yourself in this moment, appreciating that you showed up. You showed up, you did your best. All that matters.

And sharing our goodness, the co-created goodness from our showing up, with all beings. May all beings everywhere have ease, friendliness, happiness. May all beings everywhere be free, including myself.

Reflections and Group Instructions

Thank you all. Thank you for your practice.

So our practice today revolved around kindness for ourselves, meeting ourselves. We started with relaxing, softening the body, with meeting the breath with kindness, meeting this moment with kindness, like a friend. And when you receive the breath as a gift, then the mind starts to shift, and this moment starts to shift into a gift. And then we shifted to meeting ourselves as a friend, stepping out of ourselves, seeing ourselves with friendly eyes, with goodness, with friendliness. Stepping back, and then towards the end we brought in a dear friend, we shared our goodwill, our mettā^[2], with them. Then at the very end we expanded to all beings everywhere.

And whatever happened or did not happen, as long as we met it with kindness, with goodwill, with friendliness, whether there was distraction present, or pain present, difficulty present, it's okay. We're planting seeds of kindness. We're not trying to do this "right," that's not the idea here. We're planting seeds of kindness. So whatever is arising, as long as you meet it with kindness—and let's say for the 30 minutes you didn't meet anything with kindness, but in this moment you meet yourself with kindness, just now: "It's okay sweetheart, you showed up. It's okay darling, you're doing your best, you did your best. Ah." Just one moment of kindness, acceptance for yourself, for challenges—maybe there's pain in the body, pain in the heart—this moment of kindness is infinitely more abundant than zero moments of kindness.

So at this time I'd like to invite us to show up with friendliness, to show up with friendliness, with kindness for ourselves and for one another. So it's Happy Hour. We have small groups, and in the small groups, roughly the size of three, the invitation is: be present with yourself, be present with your body, and in the space of kindness. It's really where the rubber meets the road. We can be doing silent meditation, our eyes are closed, but now we get to be kind in public. But it's like a sandbox. It's not the world where we're working, etc., but it's a sandbox with people who've just practiced meditation around kindness. So it's a gentle reintegration into being kind to ourselves, kind with others.

And the prompt is, and you can share or not share, you can just offer silence. Just show up with silence. And if you do choose to share, know that you're sharing for your own sake. You're speaking just to be held witness. The other people in the room are just there to hold you witness and support you in being kind to yourself. And you can say, "Tonight's practice, I was sleepy, I was distracted, but I met myself with kindness." Maybe that's your report, or maybe something else happened. Whatever you say, there's no right or wrong.

If judgment arises, be kind to the judgment. So just be kind. Be kind, really. Those are the seeds we're planting, which is quite counterculture, and when we're kind to ourselves we can actually take more responsibility both for our actions, be kinder to others, etc.

So I'm going to create the breakout rooms, and again the invitation is to stay in your body, be kind. I suggest the order to be alphabetical order according to first name tonight. And again, you offer just a nugget, and then make space for the next person to offer a nugget. The next person, then it'll come back to you. So you'll go around a few times, and when other people speak maybe you remember something, or you get inspired to say something. And no asking questions from one another, no directing. You just show up and share something, if you like, from your experience. Creating a safe, brave space for one another to interact in a container of kindness. Okay, alright, I'm going to open the rooms. Take care of yourselves, take care of each other. Be kind, be kind, be kind. Okay, here we go.

Q&A and Reflections

Okay, the rooms are closed. Everybody is back. Welcome back everyone. We have some time now for any reflections or any questions. Questions, complaints, reports, it's all welcome. You can either raise your Zoom hand, if you haven't spoken in the group for a while, or if you're new, if you'd like to, you're welcome to. We can also type in chat your questions, reflections. And if you type them just to me, it'll be private, I'll just read your reflection privately. And if you want to type it to everyone, then it's public, I'll read it publicly. So what did you discover? What was it like, either the groups or the practice?

And I did see some smiles. I did see some smiles when you came back from the group, so I wonder how that was.

Bill says, "Not able to focus this time. Frustrated, and found the frustration feeding on itself." Was it possible, Bill, to just have a moment of kindness to this self, this being who is frustrated? "Yes," says Bill. Yay! So that's a moment of kindness that can support pausing and ending that cycle, break that cycle.

Jerry said, "It was great to have permission to just feel the kindness of being here." Ah, thank you Jerry. Yay.

Terence, please.

"Thank you so very much Nikki. I was very soothed, as typical, by just being in group and being in the field of your voice, and allowing myself to just almost, I could say, float with it, be soothed by it, by your voice. And then came through this thing of 'meet yourself' and, oh my God, it just like boom, it really got my attention and pulled me into a different space, you know, which woke me up in a sense. Yeah, it hearkens back to other meditative retreat experiences I've had when meeting myself with kindness, and seeing how I wasn't caring for myself very well, really. And it's kind of heartbreaking, but so important to see. Thank you so very much for that."

Oh, thank you so much Terence for sharing that. Oh, thank you so much, and I'm buoyed and delighted that the practice today for you did support, "Oh, meet yourself, meet yourself with kindness." And yes, there is sadness there of the times we have not met ourselves with kindness, and yet there is this moment of awakening: "Oh yes, it is possible. I can awaken to meet myself with kindness instead of perpetuating this pattern." So thank you. Thanks for sharing that, Terence.

One reflection: "It's just wonderful to talk and communicate with like-minded folks. Wonderful community, thank you."

Deb says, "So wonderful to have the opportunity to simply smile and feel the tenderness here." Ah, thank you.

And that's hearted by someone else. Jim says, "The kindness towards myself is easier in silence. Once I start talking, fight and flight sensations vie for my attention." Ah, thank you for sharing that Jim. It takes a lot of courage to actually bring that into and say that out loud, write that out loud in the community, because that is the case. It's very, very common. So that's why we keep practicing in silence, and then in these small sandboxes of two or three other people we try to meet ourselves with kindness and notice that, oh yeah, fight, flight, and freeze is showing up. And can we be kind to that pattern? Can we be kind to that? And the more we do it...

So my recommendation is, Jim, don't let that be a reason for you and others who have the similar observation to say, "Oh, I'm just not going to show up to the small groups because it's just too hard to be kind to myself." But actually keep showing up. Keep showing up, and keep observing the fight, flight, and freeze, and keep being kind to it. "It's okay sweetie, you're doing your best. It's okay, this is hard, it's okay." And then that is really the training ground. It's the scaffold, it's the training wheels for us meeting ourselves with kindness in social situations, in the world, whether professional or this or that. In higher stakes situations, we can still be kind to ourselves. So thank you so much for bringing that up, so important, so important.

So, I don't see any other hands or any other reflections. Let's bring this practice to a closure together. Thank you all. Thank you all for showing up, for planting seeds of kindness towards yourself, towards the world. Because really, when we fill our own cup with kindness, when we do that, when our cup is full, then we can fill other people's cups, and we don't go around the world saying, "Love me, love me, love me," in a subconscious way. So it's so important to fill our own cups with care. Meeting ourselves as parents, meeting ourselves with care, because hey, who else would if we don't? So thank you all for your practice.

May you be well. May you be happy. May you meet yourselves with kindness. And I'll ring the bell. Here we go.

Take good care. Be well, and see you.