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Happy Hour: Pillars of Joy (4/8) -- Acceptance/Acknowledgment

So, hello and welcome to Happy Hour. Lovely to see you all, lovely to be with you and feel your presence wherever in the world you are.

For today's practice together, let us continue our exploration of the eight pillars of joy. We started with perspective, moved on to humility, and last time we explored humor, which was quite a lot of fun. I left the session feeling more light-hearted and more joyful, and I hope it was the same way for you. I see nods and smiles. Humor can always be revisited; we can't have enough of humor as a perspective to see things, because things are serious and they're also quite funny. In this human life, it is both a tragedy and a comedy.

This time we have come to the fourth pillar, and the fourth pillar is acceptance. Why is acceptance a pillar of joy? Well, let's consider if there was no acceptance. If one rejected, if one were to be in conflict with the reality of this moment, it would be hard to be joyful. There would be a sense of conflict, a sense of "it shouldn't be this way," a contraction, and so on. So in that way, of course, acceptance makes sense.

Just to say a couple of words about acceptance before we do our meditation together: acceptance is very different from giving up. It's not the same as resignation. Acceptance and resignation are two very different concepts. When we talk about acceptance, we just mean accepting the reality that already is. It's already this way. If it could have been changed, it would have been. So it is this way. Acceptance simply means allowing, opening up, accepting that it is like this right now, whether internally or externally.

If it's internal acceptance, say a difficult emotion arises. Sadness arises: "Oh, I don't want to be sad, I'm always sad," or "I want to be happy, I'm not happy." Well, that's resistance. That in and of itself—that lack of acceptance of what is here already—can cause more upset, more contraction, more suffering. Acceptance in this case means, "Oh, sadness is arising. Can I allow it to be? It's here. Yeah, it's here already. Can I open up to how things are right now?"

Or externally in the world. Acceptance doesn't mean not working for change or not being motivated to both shift and change things internally and externally. It doesn't mean that at all. That would be resignation. If you resign, "Well, the world's gone to pot. It is what it is, now I'll just be a doormat and just let things be," that's not acceptance; that's resignation.

Acceptance is, "Yes, things are challenging in the world right now." Global warming or whatever else you want to pick and choose in what's happening externally in your life or in the world. Can I accept that this is the way it is right now? It's just accepting the reality of the moment so that we can have a stepping stone, we can have a foothold. When there is acceptance, when there is allowing, then we can actually work for change. Until something is seen and accepted for what it is, it cannot be worked with, worked through, or shifted. But if we resist that—"I don't want it to be this way, make it go away"—if we deny what is already here, there is no place to start, there is no foothold. There is no place to even get our head or our heart around it.

So acceptance is simply allowing what already is here to be. Another word for it can be acknowledgment. It's acknowledging that it's here without fighting it. So, acknowledgment without resistance equals acceptance. Acknowledgment without resistance means acceptance in this moment.

Reflections and Q&A

So, I'll change the settings. The idea of acknowledging without resistance, accepting, is as if we're meeting reality. Meeting it instead of running away or resisting: "La la la, I don't want to acknowledge it." We meet reality, we face it, we touch into it. Yep, and there is some gentleness, softness. Yep, it's like this right now. It's like this right now. Then having your foothold to work with how things are.

If you'd like to share any reflections on how this practice was for you, you are welcome to do that right now. You can unmute yourself if you want to share, or you can type it in chat. What did you notice?

Bill offers, "I was resisting sitting still in this meditation." [Laughter]

You were resisting sitting still, yeah! Do you want to say more about that, Bill?

Bill: "I don't know what to say, it just gave me some immediate experience of trying to accept something as opposed to just creating needless conflict in myself. I guess it's a laugh."

Nikki: "Yeah, that's fantastic. I love the way you put it: 'instead of creating needless conflict.' Oh, there was this resistance. When you noticed the resistance and the lack of the need for the conflict, was there a little more landing, letting go in the mind or the body? Did you notice that?"

Bill: "I didn't notice one way or another."

Nikki: "Notice next time. So that's the invitation. Notice next time when we notice there's no need to resist, no need for this conflict. Something lets go in the mind or in the body, something releases ever so slightly. Become sensitive to that, because that release, that momentary freedom, is a taste of freedom. It is the taste of ease. Nibbāna^[1], awakening. It's a taste of that letting go. Great, thank you."

Nancy offers, "From The Book of Joy, I was reflecting on acceptance: the only place where change can begin." So in The Book of Joy, these eight pillars are all offered one after another. In fact, the place to start is perspective, not acceptance. Perspective is the place to start, and we spent three different sessions with perspective because that is so, so important. And then, I think that's why acceptance is perhaps number four. So not a place to begin, but something to consider.

Vicki offers, "I was trying to accept all the crazy things in the news, but it is very difficult." Yeah. I was waiting for that to come up. Thank you, Vicki. Again, I think it's really, really important to distinguish between acknowledging, acceptance, and not resisting reality. Things in the news in the U.S. are crazy things, just as you say. It's unbelievable. And it's different from resignation. It's certainly different from resignation like, "Ah, the country is going to pot." So my invitation for you is to maybe work with the phrase "acknowledge without resistance" instead of the word "accept," because that can easily be confused with resignation. Thank you for bringing that up, Vicki. Very, very important point.

Diana offers, "I had people moving into the complex, I had to investigate. So not resisting." So you had people moving around you, Diana, so there was a sense of not resisting the commotion around you. Is that right?

Diana: "The noise was interfering with my meditation, so I felt I had to get up and see. And they nearly broke one of the tree branches down! So I tried very hard to accept and allow."

Nikki: "Yeah, I appreciate you bringing that up. That's actually very important because it often happens that, especially when our expectation is—I mean, the situation with breaking a branch, that's something different, but with noise alone, with sounds alone. It's very common for meditators, especially beginning meditators, to think that things need to be quiet. 'It needs to be quiet in order for me to be able to meditate.' And there can be so much suffering happening when there is noise around. I've seen that in so many meditators, especially on meditation retreats, where the idea people have in their minds is, 'Oh, I've come to a meditation retreat, but this person next to me is breathing loud,' or 'The door closes,' or 'The bird is singing.'

Well, the whole idea of meditating is allowing. Meeting reality just as it is. Yes, it's loud outside. Yes, this person is breathing noisily next to me. We learn it's not about making conditions perfect. That's not the point of meditation. The point of mindfulness meditation is to learn to have an openness, to have happiness and joy no matter what. To have peace of mind even if there is noise outside, even if the person next to us is breathing loud or slamming the door, so that we can cultivate that peace within.

So I'm so glad you brought this up because acceptance, allowing, it's really about meeting reality. 'It's like this.' If one resists it—and I'm going on and on, not necessarily directed to you, Diana, but for everyone and all who will be listening to this audio recording—this is so important. It's such an important thing to practice with and to get as a part of this practice. So I am absolutely delighted you brought it up. And I'm glad the branch didn't get broken. Thanks, Diana."

Kim offers, "I usually just allow all the thoughts and say it belongs, then I realized accepting the resisting is a part of it." Nice! Yeah, accepting the resisting. Whatever is on top, accepting that. Lovely.

Kim: "Yeah, I never acknowledged that it was a part of my resistance. I would just say, 'Oh well, this belongs, this belongs.' But I think sometimes it didn't quite feel that satisfying to say everything belongs. And then I realized, I think I sometimes resist accepting people for who they are, or something like that. And then I realized, yeah, that actually is a part of it. Like you said, acknowledging without resistance, but I think resistance is a part of this. I don't know if that makes sense."

Nikki: "Yeah, I think what you're talking about is basically acknowledging the resistance. 'Oh yes, there's a resistance here.'"

Kim: "It's almost like making your resistance feel safe. I mean, that's another way to phrase it."

Nikki: "Yeah, it's like, 'Oh yeah, I don't have to resist resistance.' That I'm not a bad person because there's a resistance, avoiding adding more judgment like I'm a bad person. 'Oh sweetie, oh yeah. Oh, you're resisting, okay good. Now I see your resistance. Great, now I see you. Now I grok you. Now I acknowledge you. Right? Now, where do we go with this, now that I really see you instead of just trying to push you into the shadows?'"

Kim: "Right. And I realized that with lots of things, I would accept that they just belong. That it's okay to feel disappointed, that it just belongs. But then I realized there was a kind of another layer."

Nikki: "Exactly, another layer. And it's wonderful to see that this other layer is there. Fantastic! Thanks for seeing that so clearly, Kim, with nuance, and bringing that in. Because basically we accept whatever is on top. If there are layers of resistance or aversion, the last thing: 'Oh, can I acknowledge that?' So that's great. Thank you."

Susan offers, "When I meditate in a noisy place, I feel like it is like how I used to run with ankle weights." Ah, yeah. Nice, I like that metaphor. That's great training. Great training for the mind, not just for the body. Ankle weights, yes, it makes your ankles, your body stronger. And your mind, too.

Small Group Practice

Okay, well time has come for us to take our practice of allowing, acknowledging, and meeting ourselves just as we are, just as we show up, and others too, and see what that feels like as we turn to our small group practice. Words might come up, no words might come up, but just meeting yourself. Allowing, accepting, acknowledging yourself just as you are. So I'm going to create the breakout rooms. I hope you stay, and if for whatever reason it's not right for you to stay, no resistance, no judgment, it's all good.

[Breakout rooms session]

Welcome back everyone. The rooms are closed and we have just about a minute. If anybody has a reflection or a comment about meeting yourself and others in the groups, especially if you haven't spoken before, you're welcome to just unmute yourself and go.

Ali: "Hi Nikki, hello everybody. We had a very good discussion. It was nice to talk to someone in Australia, someone in the U.S., and me a little bit in the middle in Singapore. But it's funny how it's easy to acknowledge things, but to accept is much more difficult. That's what we realized. And sometimes to accept something painful with a bit of joy, it's something we have to work on. That was an interesting fact that we talked about this morning."

Nikki: "Oh fantastic. Thank you so much, Ali, for bringing up the nuance and what actually is acknowledging, and this idea of acceptance. What is it about this idea of acceptance that also can allow for joy? Really teasing apart the nuances and what it actually means. And what you bring up makes me really re-emphasize that this is a practice. If it was easy, if it was just done, then it wouldn't be a practice. It wouldn't be something that we would be cultivating as a part of our practice of joy and mettā^[2] and kindness. So yeah, you really brought that up in what you shared about your group conversation. Thank you."

Claire: "I just wanted to add what came up for me. I found it very interesting; I've practiced acceptance for a long time, but I never before associated it with tolerance. In fact, tolerance is part of acceptance, or vice versa. Tolerance involves acceptance of other people and their right to live the way they do, no matter what I might think. With events and difficulties in life, yes, but it's also about the people in my world, the way they live, and my job is to accept them as they are."

Nikki: "Yeah, it's interesting that the two concepts are related. Not exactly the same, not equivalent, but definitely related, because the idea of acceptance here is accepting reality, accepting things as they are. And tolerance is similar, but with respect to people. Allowing them to be, offering them their autonomy. So great, thank you for bringing that point up, Claire."

Lovely. Well it's been yet another rich Happy Hour time of practicing together. My heart always feels enriched by the practice, sharing it with you, doing it together with you. These conversations, questions, explorations, your engagement—it all makes me very joyful.

So thank you all for joining, practicing, supporting yourself and others. May you all be well. May you all be happy. And may our practice support everyone everywhere.

Take good care. You can unmute yourself and say goodbye; it's kind of nice to hear your voices.

[Laughter]