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Happy Hour: Goodwill for "Challenging People" Through Seeing Our Shared Vulnerability

Welcome. Welcome to Happy Hour. It's lovely to be with you all this Friday evening, late evening, morning, afternoon, or Saturday if you're in Asia or Australia. For those of you who are joining, or if you're listening later on Audio Dharma, welcome. Lovely to be with you and to practice together.

Since the beginning of the year, Diana and I have been going through the categories for cultivating metta^[1], kind of systematically lingering with each category for a few days. We've been going through these concentric circles, starting where it's easier, then moving to the self, and then we hung out with the neutral person, a person we don't know very well.

And now we've made it to the category that many of you have been waiting for, dreading: someone we have some challenge with. Someone we have some difficulty with. Diana last night did a mildly challenging person, and we're going to continue that way, since it's very rich territory to try to cultivate goodwill for the humanity of the person that we have challenges with. Again, this is not condoning their actions—it's not about that. And it's not about a spiritual bypass. It's not about, "Oh yes, I'll forgive you. I'm supposed to be a good Buddhist and a good person." It's not about any of that at all.

In fact, you can still keep the person accountable, and you can still hold them at an arm's distance and not have them enter your life, yet have a sense of goodwill for them. You can have a sense of ease when you think about them. We do this practice first and foremost for ourselves, so that when the thought of this person that we're having challenges with comes up, we have peace and ease. "Oh, may you be well. Just like me, you want to be happy. May you be well." Offering goodness, really, in order to offer ourselves safety, happiness, health, and ease. It's amazing how transformational this can be.

So we really do this practice always for the cultivation of our own heart, not with any magical thinking that now it's going to all be okay and we're going to be best friends with the person. And also, who knows if something might get transformed in the world, but again, there's no attachment to the outcome of what might happen. It's just offering our own heart ease and safety. At least in the energetic space, there is ease with the person we're having challenges with, or we've had challenges with.

Similarly, for today's practice, I'm going to suggest that you choose someone whom you have some mild challenges with. It's best not to choose the most challenging person in your life if you're relatively new to this practice. Start where it's easier. Start with the two-pound weight, then five pounds, and then ten pounds, then gradually increase. Don't start with the fifty-pound weight. You can injure your muscles, and you can similarly kind of be like, "Oh, it's not working. I can't do this." Dear ones, start easy. That's how it's done. You don't have to push through it.

And if at any point this practice of cultivating goodwill becomes challenging, turn the metta, turn the goodness to yourself. Hold yourself with kindness. "Oh sweetie, you're having a hard time right now. Yeah, this is painful. Okay. Holding myself with kindness. May I be well." And then if there is stability at any point, and it feels okay to open up again to the challenging person, then open up to them. But don't push it. It's not about pushing it, it's about learning kindness gently.

One last thing I want to say before we start is that I shy away from using the label "challenging person," even though it's a mouthful to say "the person you're having challenges with." I try not to label the person, because maybe at some point you were great friends. Maybe in the future you will be, who knows. It's not that they are challenging; maybe they think you're challenging. It's all relative, right? It's just someone whom right now you're having some kind of entanglement with, for a variety of reasons that might be beyond your control and their control.

So bringing this different perspective of the impermanence of the challenge, instead of identifying the person as challenging. We're having challenges right now, in this moment. So shifting the perspective starting with the way we lexically refer to them.

Let's get started.

Reflections and Q&A

I'd love to invite your reflection. What you discovered, what came up for you. You're welcome to type in chat, or raise your hand to share, especially if you haven't shared recently. Marie Christine, please.

Marie Christine: Something very interesting. I recently found out that someone that I had not spoken to for twenty years is dying. As a result, I was able to remove the narrative which created the block between us. By doing that, I've been able to see his humanity, and I'm able to do metta towards him, even though we haven't spoken in twenty years. It's the person through all that, I can just see his frailty and his vulnerability. And everything else is gone—whatever resentment or challenge. From my heart, I'm able to offer him metta.

Nikki: Thank you, Marie Christine. Thank you for sharing that. I especially appreciate you bringing up frailty and vulnerability. Seeing that helps us not feel threatened anymore, and it opens the heart. Thank you for sharing that, very important. What I was trying to tap into in a way by bringing up this person as a child is their vulnerability, that's similar along the same lines. And also that hurt people hurt people. Somewhere along the way, something happened to this being, perhaps. I'd love to hear more from you, your reflections.

There's one reflection in chat: "When I tried to summon goodwill and compassion, pity kept coming up instead." Yeah, thank you for sharing that reflection. Pity, as we know, is not compassion or metta, it's kind of the near enemy^[2]. It masquerades. So I really appreciate you recognizing that and bringing that up. One thing that can help when pity is coming up—and recognizing it is so important to do as the first step—is to see that often what brings pity up is a sense of, "Oh, this would never happen to me. I'm up here, you're down here. Oh, poor you." It's not a common humanity that says, "We are in this together. This could have happened to me. This could be me if I were born into your situation, to your condition. Of course it could be me, and this could happen to me too."

So recognizing that sense of common humanity, that we are the same, really. It's so random how we're born into our conditions. Pity is born out of this, so I invite you to notice how that is: "Oh, this could never happen to me, and I'm so much better." That could be the linchpin of pity. So have some inquiry into that.

Another question is, "Can a dear person also be a difficult person?" Oh, absolutely. A dear person can be a difficult person, of course. Yes, indeed. In fact, there are aspects... you know, when we say we choose a dear person, there are aspects of them that could be challenging. When we choose a challenging person, there are things that are good about them. There are so many ways into this practice. So maybe Monday I'll do a completely different way into this practice. But you can also focus on things that are good about them.

When we do metta for ourselves, we can be our dear being to love ourselves, and we can also be our challenging person we have the most challenges with, who doesn't behave and act in the way we want us to, right? So we can be our own challenging person and our dear person too. So yes, all these categories can be quite complex. Our hearts, as human beings, we're such complex, interesting creatures, aren't we? Just so dimensional.

For the practice in small groups—and don't hop off just yet, let me describe what the practice is tonight. The invitation is to stretch your boundaries just a little bit. If it intimidates you to be in a group with others, see what it's like. First and foremost, holding each other in groups with respect, with kindness, with metta. Really holding both your own vulnerability and each other's vulnerabilities, and appreciating that each and every one of us has been hurt, and each and every one of us has hurt someone. No question about it. So from that place of humility, holding ourselves and holding each other with care and metta. We're all learning. This earth is forgiveness school, it has been said. So we're all learning. I'm going to create the rooms now. Please hang in here, just challenge yourself a little bit if you would.

And Jerry says, "I was my own challenging being today." Ah, yes, it's holding our challenging beings—ourselves—with care. So I'm going to open the rooms now.

[Breakout rooms commence]

Okay, welcome back everyone. The rooms are closed and we have a couple of minutes for reflections. I especially want to invite those who usually don't share to share. It's very important when we come out of the groups and we're sharing what came up for us in our practice, to really be respectful of what came up in the groups. Never, ever talk about somebody else's experience, ever. Really talk from only your own experience. And also, if there was something challenging for you, please private message me, I'll stay and we can work with it, but please don't talk about somebody else's experience that came up in the group. In this way we can offer each other safety, which is very important in this community.

So with that, I'd love to hear what you discovered in your practice today, please.

Neil: So one thing that came up, which I've had come up before when thinking about people as a child, is that I'm wishing them well, but I know what happens later in their life. And it's not always so well. I feel some compassion for them for this, but it also kind of gets in the way. I was wondering what thoughts you have and how to handle that, so it's less of a problem.

Nikki: So help me understand better. It seems like when you're wishing them well as a child, in the back of your mind it's like, "Well, later they're going to become a terrible person." Help me understand.

Neil: The person I was thinking of has large health problems. So I'm wishing them good health, but I know they only got like fifteen years left of any kind of reasonable health, and then they're going to be sick the rest of their lives. For decades and decades. So it just feels sort of weird. I'm not really sure how to put it, right?

Nikki: Yeah, okay, I understand what you're saying, that's helpful. It's okay to modify the wish, because the wish isn't fairyland. "Oh, may you be healthy, may everything be okay," and then you know that actually it may not be. So modifying it: "I wish you health as much as possible." As much as possible. And this also comes up with people who are, for example, your dear being and you're wishing them well, and they're really, really sick. So, "I wish you as much health as is possible right now for you."

You can modify these wishes so that it's really about your heart opening with sharing goodness. "I wish you well in the department of health." That's kind of how this wish is going. "I wish you well in the department of health," in that category, and then see how that is. And then if it's someone who's a marathon runner, "I wish you strength." Right? Does that help, Neil? Play around with that. Yeah, great, fantastic. Thanks for raising that.

Mark, I'm going to ask you to unmute yourself, and this has to be quick because we're going to be over time.

Mark: I'm trying to go really quick. When I've practiced this before in the past, especially with difficult people, what I've noticed is it's broken down my boundaries, and then I've kind of been drawn back into the relationship and get hurt by them. Can you talk about how you can have this practice but still maintain a healthy boundary so that you are safe?

Nikki: Yeah, very, very good point. To actually be very clear that having goodwill towards them, having care towards them, does not necessarily mean that you let them back into your life, and you don't have that kind of a boundary. In fact, consider this in terms of practice. This is what I recommend for you: always consider that first and foremost, your metta will come for yourself, for your own safety, well-being, and happiness. You're taking care of yourself first, and then this other person. So that then it doesn't even have to feel like a boundary, like, "Oh, I'm creating a boundary," but it's like, "Oh yeah, I'm taking care of myself. I care for you, and I care for myself so much that may you be well. And it's not proper for us to be in communication. Though maybe I'll send you once-a-year greetings for New Year and Christmas, but then it's better to take care of myself." So I think that way then feels less like... I know the word boundary can be helpful or not helpful, but really taking care of yourself can be a way to see this, Mark. Thank you.

So dear ones, thank you all for your practice. I am going to hold that. Thank you all for your practice, for joining, for cultivating kindness, goodwill, metta for all beings, especially in this challenging category. May all beings be well. May all beings be happy. Thank you.