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Happy Hour: Appreciation Gives Rise to Gratitude Leading To Generosity, and Vice Versa

Introduction

Hi. Welcome to Happy Hour.^[1]

So this week, we're dedicating our practice to the beautiful practice of gratitude, given that in the US it's the Thanksgiving holiday tomorrow. Again, it is a holiday with a complicated history, and I appreciate that many of us in the hellos before it got recorded acknowledged the lands being unceded.

As a part of this reflection on this holiday, I'll share an anecdote actually. When I came to the US when I was 16 years old—I came from Iran—not knowing the history at first of what this holiday was, but just hearing that in this new country of mine there is a holiday called Thanksgiving, and it's a day people give thanks. Wow, what a cool thing to have a holiday for, to have a day that you just give thanks. So I like to bring that beginner's mind, that naive perspective, and just share that because there is a goodness there. Let us co-opt it in this way. Yes, it is a day, it is a week, it's a great opportunity every day, every moment, to give thanks for so much that we have, so much that we take for granted.

There are so many studies that link gratitude and appreciation. I actually like the word appreciation, because sometimes gratitude feels heavy. As I think Ben was bringing up on Monday, there is a sense for some folks that you should be grateful. "Well, you have so many good things going on in your life, you should be grateful." Ouch. That sense of "should," a finger-wagging that either society seems to do inadvertently, or we tend to do to ourselves or others—like, "you should be grateful"—can actually suppress a sense of gratitude.

Whereas a sense of appreciation, just appreciating what's good, turning our mind to it, and relishing—really taking a moment to take delight and appreciation, and letting gratitude, if it wants to come up on its own, come up without any "shoulding," without any forcing of ourselves—that's very, very important. And if at any point during the practice you don't feel grateful, that's fine. Drop it. Go back to relishing, go back to being with the breath. Just keep it simple. There's no "should" in this practice.

To continue that train of thought, there are many studies that connect authentic appreciation and authentic gratitude to gladness, to happiness, and to generosity. That's another thing that I've been contemplating lately which is beautiful: studies connecting gladness and happiness to generosity. When we give, actually—there's a study where participants were given some money to either spend on themselves or spend it on someone else, and people felt happier when they were generous, when they spent it on someone else, which is pretty cool.

There are other studies that show that you can train yourself to derive more joy, more delight out of generosity, so that when you're actually generous you feel happier. It gives you more of a helper's high, more of a hit, let's say. And the way you can train yourself to do that is, guess what? Practicing appreciation. Practicing gratitude for what you have actually makes you enjoy generosity more, which I think is a really interesting exercise. So again, don't take any of these on faith. Try them on for yourself, see if this is true in the laboratory of your own mind. You're a human being, you have a laboratory called your mind, heart, and body. Try it out for yourself.

With that, oh, I want to say one more thing. On Monday we practiced, and the guided meditation was about gratitude for things we take for granted. I just wanted to share a practice report with you, and wondered if you had the same concern later. Because I noticed my mind turned into gratitude more this week for things that I take for granted, and it was lovely. I just enjoyed it so much. So thank you all for being part of the sangha^[2] and for this opportunity for us to practice together.

Let us turn our hearts and our minds, incline a little more, and invite ourselves to appreciate. Maybe invite it just shyly. If the gratitude is shy, just invite it like a little kitty. Do you want to come out? You don't want to come out? That's fine. Just be very gentle with this practice, similar to other practices.

Guided Meditation

With that, I'd like to invite us to land in our bodies. To arrive, to begin by arriving in this moment, in this body.

Just relaxing the body without any expectations. Softening your sit bones, your lower back.

Releasing the abdominal muscles internally.

Releasing your forehead, the muscles in the forehead. Releasing your jaw.

Releasing your eyes, let them rest. Let them rest in the sockets. The muscles behind the face, let them soften and relax.

Relaxing the shoulders, the neck. The hands, let them be heavy. The feet, let them be heavy.

Letting the body just rest.

Letting the heart, the proverbial heart center, place of the emotions, let it rest. Feel safe to just be.

Letting the breath move through the body, be known, be witnessed in the abdomen. As if awareness was a butterfly, and the awareness sat on your belly, moving up, moving down with every breath.

And if thoughts arise, it's okay. Can you release them with appreciation? Not with self-judgment, but first appreciating that the thought has arisen. "Thank you. Thank you thought, thank you mind. I have a mind that works, that thinks, this is what minds do." It's not a problem. Appreciating this puppy of the mind is playful. Say thank you.

And right now, let's give our heart, let's give ourselves to settling, arriving, releasing. Releasing with appreciation.

Let the body be relaxed and soft. Just receiving, appreciating. The butterfly moving up and down, sitting on the belly. Each breath, a butterfly of awareness.

Remember, appreciating thoughts that arise and then releasing them with appreciation.

Resting, resting with the butterfly of awareness on the abdomen.

You can stay with just the butterfly of awareness on the belly. Resting, calming, collecting the mind. Appreciating the simplicity of this moment. The simplicity of a moment of refuge to sit and just practice, just be.

And if you wish, if you like to follow these invitations that I'm about to give, you can bring to heart some act of kindness, some act of generosity, some act of care or connection. Today, yesterday, something that comes up for you.

Maybe you were kind to someone, or someone was kind to you. You were generous to someone, or someone was generous to you. Thoughtful, caring, or just a sense of connection. Maybe a kind word, a kind gesture.

Bringing it to your heart, to your mind. See if there is a natural appreciation that arises. Don't force it, just stay with it, relishing it, and see what happens.

Maybe it becomes brighter in your heart. A sense of appreciation becomes gratitude for this connection, for this gift given or received. Let yourself relish, take delight. Delighting and hence nourishing, nurturing this wholesome quality.

Appreciation begets appreciation.

Letting your heart be open, see where else it wants to go, continuing with the thread and what you were just reflecting upon. And if the mind becomes too full of stories and you're not practicing, then just come back to the breath, to the body. Settle for a few minutes before opening up again.

Appreciating, relishing acts of kindness given or received, generosity given or received. Or something in your life you're grateful for, that you appreciate. Just breathing it in for a few breaths, breathing out with it.

Slowly, slowly. It's not a race, stay, take your time, relish. Keep the butterfly of awareness in mind. Don't lose it.

Appreciating, what do you appreciate in this moment, here? That you were able to sit together and practice. That there's enough health in the body, the mind, to do this practice. What a tremendous gift. Not looking for what is wrong, but inclining the mind to what is nourishing, what is good.

If you like, you can even open up appreciation for what has brought you to this point in life. There might have been some beautiful gifts, some challenging moments that have brought you here. Can there be a sense of appreciation for the path, for this meandering path of our life? Taking a few moments. A few significant people.

For the last couple of minutes of practice, can you appreciate yourself? Have gratitude for this being who's had this journey, the ups and downs in this life. Appreciating, having gratitude as you're stepping out of yourself, giving yourself a hug or whatever feels right for you in this image, bowing perhaps.

Appreciating this being who is you, with gratitude that they continue to show up. They continue to show up as best as they are able to. Letting go of any judgment, and just being grateful for you showing up in this moment. You've shown up, that's enough. That's enough.

Perhaps having an image of people in your path having gratitude for you, as you've had gratitude for them. Them having gratitude for you, for this being who is unique, only the way you can be with your particularities. As if they bow to you, they give you a bow, they say thank you as you say thank you to them.

Offering your goodness to yourself, to all beings everywhere.

May we wake up to our own and everyone's unfathomable goodness.

May we awaken with grace.

Thank you all. Thank you for your practice, the gift of your practice.

Reflections and Q&A

Nikki Mirghafori: So if you are willing, if you are moved, if you wish, you can share some gift from your practice today with the sangha. What came up for you? What have you noticed? What was it like? Discoveries, challenges? Anything is okay. Joe?

Joe: Just that I really like the option of using appreciation in place of gratitude, because gratitude is a lot of work, and appreciation is kind of a simpler level. It's like Gil's use of anukampa^[3] as an umbrella term that includes compassion, because care is really easy to grasp. And so anyway, I like appreciation, thanks.

Nikki Mirghafori: Great, wonderful. Thank you for bringing that in, Joe. I really appreciate your reflection. Yeah, it's interesting to think of it as an umbrella term, because in a way it is the same. Appreciation is the same as gratitude, but yes, gratitude can feel so heavy sometimes, so much work. Whereas appreciation, it's just, "Oh yeah, it feels natural, I appreciate this," and well, guess what, I'm grateful for it too. But yes, that's great. Thank you for that, Joe. Other reflections or thoughts?

Yeah, Dave says in the chat, "I'm most grateful for this emphasis on gratitude because I've been through an arduous job search^[4] that had me focusing on how much I don't have." Thank you. It is so important, yes, turning the mind to what is good, what is here, and focusing. Especially, gosh, yeah, a job search can be so challenging. Looking, searching, by definition, is an act of wanting in the world. Mima, I see your hand, please.

Mima: I had never seen the correlation between the generosity of someone... when you were speaking about that and how gratitude kind of goes together when there's an interaction. I remembered my grandson, who is now going to be 18. But when he was about seven years old, he came to me and he said, "Grandma, I have 300 dollars and I don't have anybody to share it with." He said, "I asked my mama and my step-papa if I could buy them something and they don't need anything." And he asked me, "Is there anything you need?"

His favorite store was Barnes & Noble, and so I told him, "You know, I saw a little speaker. I really, really liked it, but I couldn't get it that day." He said, "Hey Grandma, please let me buy it for you!"

With this meditation, I remembered that experience, how it was a give and take, because he was being generous, but I was so appreciative, even now, of the experience with him. I'll never forget the day he came over a couple of weeks later with a little bag and he was elated. "Grandma, I bought your speaker!" And I still have it. I will not get rid of it, because that experience... I remember him doing it, it was from the sweetness of his heart, he wanted to share. I could have bought it myself, but I didn't want to deprive him of that.

Nikki Mirghafori: That's beautiful, Mima, and as you highlighted in the story, there's so much giving and receiving. When we actually give another person the opportunity to give, it is such a gift. It is such a gift, right? To let them be kind. Instead of going, "Oh no, too much trouble," it's beautiful that you let yourself receive. And still to this day, it brightens your heart, it brightens your mind. Oh, that is beautiful.

Mima: Thank you for letting me share that.

Nikki Mirghafori: Oh, thank you for sharing this, this is so sweet. It reminds me, I'll share a little story too, which actually happened this past week. I was writing some reflections on generosity, and a friend texted who lives about 10 minutes away, saying, "Oh, I've made a batch of soup, can I drop some off for you?" And I thought, "Oh, it's trouble." And then I thought, "Wait. As part of my act of generosity, she wants to." So, "Yes please, I would love to eat your soup."

She came and brought it, and it was lovely to receive. Also, the same thing that you were sharing with your grandson—yes, giving others the opportunity instead of saying, "Oh no, don't, too much trouble." It's like we're blocking kindness and that flow of gratitude and connection. So beautiful, thank you for that, Mima.

Deborah says, "This meditation was a real tenderizer. There have been many gladdenings of my heart this week being back out in the world more and interacting with old customers, people I haven't seen in years. Kindness from people and these sessions."

Ah, that is lovely. Thank you, Deborah. Tenderizing, it was tenderizing for me also. A lot of tender memories of people I've been grateful for in my life came up. Very tender. So thank you all for your practice. Abraham, this will be the last comment before we go into small groups.

Abraham: [mic muted]

Nikki Mirghafori: Oh, you're still muted. Let's go straight into small groups.

Abraham: That's fine.

Nikki Mirghafori: Are you sure? Okay. All right. So we'll come back to Abraham when we come out of the groups. You're on cue, you're on top. So let's go into groups if we would. The invitation is maybe sharing, if you wanted, something that came up for you that you're grateful for from this practice, or maybe something that was tender. Anything you'd like to share or not, and holding each other with gratitude. These wonderful human beings whom you're going to be in a few minutes of connection with. Gratitude and generosity. Can we feel it in real time? These human beings are alive somewhere in the world, they're practicing with me. So the rooms are created, I'm going to open them and we'll come back and we'll have a few minutes for reflections on the other end. So here we go.

[Breakout Sessions]

Nikki Mirghafori: Okay, the rooms are all closed, we're back, and we have a few minutes for reflections. Let's go to Abraham. Abraham, are you still up for it? Whatever you wanted to share before, is it relevant?

Abraham: Thank you, I appreciate it. Just many, many years ago, what people were sharing about how the giver wants to give, and for you not to receive what they want to give is not a skillful thing to do. I had a teacher many years ago when I was in the midst of a career change, and I didn't have a lot of money. The first year I applied for a bursary so I could attend a retreat, and it was wonderful.

The next year, he said, "Why haven't you applied for the bursary?" And I said, "I can't do that every year, somebody else needs the opportunity." He said, "You know, somebody has offered the money for a student to go. Why would you want to take away their karma^[5], the possibility for them to earn good karma, by not accepting it?" And I realized when he said it that he had put the money in the bursary fund and wanted me to be on retreat. But I thought that was a really interesting take, you know? Like, why won't you allow people to express their goodness?

Nikki Mirghafori: That's interesting, that's beautiful. Thank you, Abraham. I love that. I love that twist. Yes, exactly. Why not let them express their goodness, their wholesome karma from ripening? Yeah, that's lovely. I appreciate that reflection. Are there other reflections? We have a moment. Anything else that came up for you from this practice? It's so rich. Aileen, please.

Aileen: I think I'm unmuted. Okay, yes. What came up for me was that I really appreciate the imagery of the butterfly of awareness. Because I've always tried hard to be mindful, and what I understood today was that gentleness works, and trying hard like that doesn't work. So that was all. I appreciate that very much, Nikki.

Nikki Mirghafori: Beautiful. Thank you, Aileen. That is right on, the butterfly, right? That's perfect, exactly. I'm so glad you brought that up. It's an image that really works for me. It's this sense of a butterfly of awareness flying, just sitting on your belly. Getting up and down with every breath. Just so gentle. Awareness is just a light touch, and just the joy, the light. So thank you for bringing that back in and highlighting it. I'm so delighted that you're finding that supportive instead of the bearing down, which is just hard work and doesn't help anyway.

So thank you all. Thank you for the gift of your practice, for being here, offering yourself to this practice, to each other. What a gift to practice together. Thank you. I am so appreciative and grateful for this sangha. May all of you, may all of us, may all beings be happy. May all beings be free. Thank you.