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Happy Hour: Appreciating Who We Once Were

Hello, and welcome to your sangha^[1]. It's good to see you, good to be with you to practice together.

For today's theme of practice, I'd like to invite us to consider mettā^[2]—loving-kindness, friendliness—in the form of appreciation for ourselves.

Normally, being human, we go through our lives, and given our evolutionary heritage, we tend to focus on what is not going well, what is a problem, what is negative, especially about ourselves. What is wrong with our body? If our body is not the right shape or size, if it's not functioning the right way, if it's not healthy, or our habits of mind, our behavior, our likes, our dislikes, we often focus on what isn't going well.

We spend so much more time doing that than to actually stop and appreciate, "Wow, this body, this human body is serving me, this person who is me."

And so, the invitation... and of course there are reasons for that, as I was mentioning. They are not necessarily great reasons, but really convincing and good reasons, because as we have evolved, those ancestors who have passed on their genes, they were the ones who were watching out, looking for dangers and what's wrong in the environment. Those are the ones who survived and managed to pass down their genes.

But the ones who focused on the positive, on maybe the berries and what was positive in the environment, and not what was scary and challenging—the wooly mammoth, etc.—they didn't live to pass down their genes. So those are the genes we have. We have the ones from the anxious ones, from the ones who focus on what's not going well, what's not going right, what's scary, what's dangerous, what's unpleasant in the environment. So knowing that...

To bring balance by cultivating appreciation for the good, because the more we appreciate the good, the wholesome, what's good about us, the more we expand our capacity for resilience to take in the good and to also withstand what is challenging, what is difficult. The waves of life as well as the tornadoes of life—whatever other metaphor you like to use—we can better withstand if we open up, if we cultivate turning our minds to what is wholesome, what is good, to increase our stability, our resilience. That's one way to think about it.

But I want to bring in another perspective tonight, and that is something that really touched me. Actually, I think I've shared many times with you here that I have an interest in many reports that people share, people who have clinically died and what are called near-death experiences. There are books written on this and various research studies on this. Recently—and again, who knows, not to take it as a word of faith, these are just personal accounts, and yet they can serve as inspiration—so as a way of inspiration, not to set truth that it's one way or the other, I was recently watching a video on YouTube. I can share the pointer later and Neil can send it to the Google groups. It was a man who had an experience like that. He flatlined in the ER, and one experience he was sharing, it's quite touching. He said that from the corner of the ER room, as he was being operated on, as he looked down at his body, for the first time ever in his life, he felt appreciation for who he had been, for who this person was. For the very first time, he appreciated this person who was him. For the first time, he appreciated this body that had served him through his life.

And it is so touching to have that perspective, to take on that radical perspective of appreciation. We don't have to have an accident in order to take that perspective on, for us to open up to this different way of seeing ourselves, different way of seeing life, our bodies, not the habitual way. And also it is said that the closest way to have the experience is through meditation. We can actually access so many of these insights through taking them on, playing them on for size, just trying them on for size.

So this is the invitation for tonight too: as if we were looking at ourselves from a third-person perspective, as if you're looking down at this body like, "Wow, can we appreciate this person who is me? Can we appreciate this body that has served us as well as it has possibly been able to?"

So, I've talked plenty tonight. That is the frame for our practice together. With that, I'd like to invite us to land in our bodies, to arrive.

Guided Meditation

Arriving, settling, embracing. As if for the first, as if for the last time, greeting this body. Not taking it for granted, this impermanent body of ours. This gift that is ours and not ours, we haven't chosen it, just a miracle. Turning the gaze of awareness inward.

Inviting, inviting... This breath to be received. Not the last breath, not the future one, just this. Not rushing through the breaths, taking our time.

Receiving, welcoming. Celebrating this breath received. This breath celebrated, received in the abdomen.

Turning our awareness inward to our hands. Sensations of the hands, these amazing hands, incredible. Appreciating.

Appreciating the grace of these hands, feeling the sensations.

Bringing awareness to our feet touching the earth. Feeling the sensations, bottom of the feet, top of the feet.

Amazing, amazing feet. So many muscles and bones. The enabler of walking.

Feeling our sit bones, our bottom on the cushion. Inviting it to let go of any holding tension. Relaxing, releasing its weight onto the cushion. Thereby feeling the contact points, softness, hardness.

Inviting our awareness to imbue our face. Our forehead, the eyes. Inviting them to rest in their sockets. Jaw, chin.

From our head down to our neck and shoulders, hands. Chest, upper back. Relaxing the lower back. Abdomen, sit bones. Legs and feet, the entire body. This amazing body.

Receiving the breath, breathing on its own. No need to observe the breath from the control tower, letting the body, the wisdom of the body, receive the breath.

Appreciating. This breath, this in-breath in its entirety. This out-breath in its entirety. Received, imbibed.

As if you're drinking every breath, in this body. Filling every cell. From your toes to your hands to your face.

Appreciating the impermanence of every breath of this body working as well as it possibly can. Serving this being who is me through my life.

I'd like to invite you to take on this perspective, to play with, try it on for size. As if you're looking at yourself. This being who is you, who is you, or what was once you. Looking down at this being from the ceiling, as if you're in the ceiling corner of the room.

Can our heart open to appreciation for this being who we were up to a moment ago? In this imagined scenario, we are no longer, we once were. We appreciate this person, this being. Their trials, their tribulations, their intentions. They did their best. Can we love them wholeheartedly? Appreciate them for having lived this life, for having gone through the labyrinth of this life as best they could.

From this perspective, can we appreciate this body just as it was? Doing its best, this mind, this heart. Can we love, can we love non-judgmentally, accepting? Appreciating non-judgmentally, wholeheartedly.

Given the chance to be this person who is me, given the chance to be this person again... Can we be kinder, gentler, more loving, accepting? More at peace with this person who is me?

May I love and accept myself just as I am. May I hold myself with kindness. May I love and accept myself. This body, this heart, this mind. May I hold myself with kindness, care, and acceptance.

Life is uncertain. Who knows what can happen at any moment. We may stop being this person who is us in this moment. Can we love and appreciate this being just as it is? Understanding all the challenges, aspirations, and wholesome intentions.

In the remaining minutes, see what's needed. Would it be helpful to revisit the perspective of seeing yourself down below from the corner of the room, the person that you once were? Does that bring up appreciation, love, compassion? The person you have the chance to be, to once be, and no longer can be. Or is it helpful to come back, perhaps after this experiment in thought, and feel yourself here in this body? Appreciating the person you are, this body, and your life.

For the last moments of this practice, letting go of whatever arose or did not arise. It's all okay. Appreciating your wholesome intention. Appreciating yourself, your practice, showing up. And relishing the goodness, trusting the goodness of your practice. Sharing it with others generously. May all beings be well, may all beings be free.

Thank you everyone. Thank you for your practice.

Reflections and Q&A

So we have time for reflections, questions, comments, and I wouldn't be surprised if for some of you, at least, this practice proved emotional to take this perspective, or challenging. It's all okay, it's all okay, and I would love to hear what came up for you.

There is so much more I can say, but I'd like to open the floor. You can raise your hands, especially if you haven't shared in a while, I would love to hear from you. You can also type in the chat. If you type to me individually, I won't read your name, just your comment, and if you type it to everyone, I will read both your name and the reflection.

Don says, "You are on fire, awesome, thank you. Accepting myself is difficult. I really appreciate when you said that I did not choose myself." Yeah, thank you for that, Don. Yes, we do not choose ourselves, isn't that interesting? This life is such a mystery. We take ourselves so personally all the time, and yet so much of who we are is not personal. Isn't that wild? And yet, to take that perspective that it's not personal, it doesn't come easily, right? We need to sit, practice in these creative ways, for it to really be not personal, and yet it seems so personal, both. Fred, please.

Fred asks, "I'm afraid what I'm going to ask is going to be just too personal to me, but I'm going to ask it anyway since I have the opportunity. For the last month, I've had this really vexing^[3] tinnitus, ringing in my ears, after a fall, and it's very difficult to concentrate during meditation. It's very difficult to include the ringing in the experience, more difficult than a pain somewhere else. I'm also exhausted because I'm not sleeping, and I wonder if you have any advice for me about how I might be able to proceed."

Nikki responds, "Yeah, thank you, Fred. Thanks for bringing this up. This is not the first time, of course, that I've heard of this condition of tinnitus, and I know of other people who have worked with it, actually specifically with mindfulness as a way to work with it. So here's the invitation I have for you, Fred, and others who work with tinnitus or other pains in the body like this which seem distracting and disruptive. I would invite you to investigate with curiosity, with openness, with interest, if there is an attitude, if there's an underlying attitude of aversion towards this. Because it really is the aversion that hooks it in place and makes it very difficult to work with. At the time when you see the aversion, when you work through the layers of aversion, when it can be held as just another sound, just another ache, just another thing—just that—that's the moment that it will lose its power."

"So my intuition, my invitation is to explore if there are either gross levels or subtle levels of aversion and pushing it away."

Fred replies, "They're very gross levels."

"There you go, Fred, then that's it," Nikki says. "That's exactly it. So working with it gently, and if the moment comes, when the question comes, 'Can I be okay, can I be at peace if this never goes away, if it's just here?' and the answer comes back 'Yes,' then that's the moment that you have freedom. It will not bother you anymore. You may not even notice it after that."

Fred says, "Well, that sounds wonderful, but actually getting there sounds... I don't actually perceive the course."

Nikki explains, "The course is little by little. 'Can I be okay with this just as it is in this moment?' The answer might come back 'No.' Okay, then 'Can I be okay with not being okay with this? Can I be okay with not liking this aversion?'"

Fred responds, "Yeah, I can accept that I'm hating this right now."

"So what? Just acceptance, whatever you can accept, we'll accept that, and little by little it will dissolve. Or rather, you'll go through layers and layers of acceptance little by little. So start where you are. Can you accept that you're hating it right now?"

"Oh, yes," Fred answers.

"Good, if you can accept that, get relaxed into, 'Yeah, I can accept that. I don't hate myself for hating it. No, I accept it.' If you're there, great, that's the place to start. See if you can relax into, 'Yep, I don't like it. Ah, can I accept that?' Start there. Feel the ease in your body and use that as a starting point to unwind."

"Okay, thank you," Fred says.

"You're so welcome, Fred."

"One more reflection from Christine, please," Nikki says. "And this needs to be quicker before we go into rooms. Please, Christine."

"Oh, quicker, I don't know about quicker," Christine replies.

"Okay, then bring it on."

Christine shares, "Yeah, this meditation was highly appropriate to something that I was thinking about today, which is that when I really see how much I have suffered in my life for the self-hatred that I've lived with, I feel so overwhelmed with regret and grief that I just can hardly breathe. I mean, just how much I've lost, and not appreciating myself. It's so huge, this regret, and I don't know what to do with it."

Nikki answers, "Yeah, thank you, Christine. To grieve, what to do with it? To grieve. To grieve. It's okay, you don't have to push it away. To grieve, to just grieve, make space for it. Can you love yourself and grieve? It doesn't have to be one or the other. It's okay to grieve without kicking yourself. Can you grieve and love yourself? Because what I'm hearing is that in the grief is a lot of kicking yourself. Can you grieve and love yourself? Does that make sense, the shift I'm suggesting?"

Christine is briefly muted, then says, "Can you hear me now? Yeah, I think the kicking myself is, 'Why did I do that? How come I couldn't have done it differently?'"

Nikki replies, "There is no point, my dear, in kicking yourself. It's, as you know, throwing perfectly good moments after moments that are gone. So see if you can grieve and love yourself. I think that's the shift. So I'm going to leave that with you as a koan^[4], and you can come back to it later if need be, okay? Thank you."

"So I'm going to create the rooms. There's one more reflection I'll read when we come back, but I'm going to create the rooms now so that you have some time to check in, share, be with each other, take care of yourself, take care of each other. Here we go."

[The group returns from breakout rooms]

"Welcome back, everyone. The rooms are closed. We just have about one quick minute. Any reflections you'd like to share relating to the practice tonight? What came up for you? Any quick ones, especially from the group?"

Hugh shares, "Yeah, I loved it. I certainly went on a trip of appreciation down my whole family tree, really deep into the roots of my ancestors. And perhaps because I went to Susie's talk this morning about the four elements^[5], it reminded me that my ancestral tree goes back beyond my immediate blood ancestors through the whole course of evolution, back through all of the animal species that preceded the emergence of my species up out of the evolutionary process. And before the evolution, even the Big Bang that created all the matter that allowed evolution to even come into existence. And before the Big Bang, whatever forces there were that made that Big Bang possible, whatever they were, I don't know."

Nikki responds, "This is great. Thank you, Hugh, I love it. So not only did this bring up appreciation for yourself, but so many ancestors and causes and conditions. This wave of appreciation. Thank you, it's beautiful. It's a wonderful note of appreciation. It can be endless, right? We start somewhere, it's like a thread, it's like a cloth, right? You keep pulling and pulling, the whole cloth is related. I'm blanking on who said this, but there's a physicist who said, 'In order to make an apple pie, first you need to make the whole universe.' So in order to make Hugh, first you need to make the whole universe, Big Bang and everything."

"I see your note, Bill. Interesting idea, I'll think about that. That's a good one. And one more reflection that I mentioned earlier was from someone who said that spontaneously came up for them, looking in the mirror and realizing, 'Oh, there's a sense of love and kindness for themselves that they usually share for others and not for themselves.' So, a great reminder to be aware of this more often. So dear ones, thank you so much for showing up and your practice. May all beings be well, may all beings be happy, including ourselves. Thank you."