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Happy Hour: Equanimity Balanced With Care

Introduction

Hello and welcome, everyone. It's lovely to be with you in this time and space, as Violet said, here and now, whatever the time zone might be, whatever the weather internally and externally might be.

For our practice today, we're going to continue with this beautiful practice of cultivating equanimity, upekkhā^[1], the fourth brahmavihāra^[2], the fourth heavenly abode practice. The word upekkhā in Pali is translated as equanimity or equipoise. It has the sense of a large view, having this expansiveness of view, seeing over, seeing fully.

Yesterday we practiced as we were going through these concentric circles. Traditionally, with all these practices, you cultivate them and expand your heart little by little, starting where it's easy, expanding little by little toward the more challenging. Yesterday, the concentric circle we extended ourselves to was the benefactor, and tonight it's the next traditional category, which is the good friend, dear friend, or just friend. Someone whom we care about, with whom we have a friendly relationship.

What we'll do today, as always, is spend some time at the beginning of our practice settling in with our bodies, with the breath, just arriving, settling, and arriving in the body. Embodiment. I'll say that a trillion times, how important embodiment is, really coming to the body, sensing the body's stability.

Then we'll open up, as I'll invite you with guidance, to practice cultivating equanimity. I'll be offering some reflections, some sentences, some phrases of mettā^[3]. If you're on the Happy Hour Google Groups, you received them earlier this week when Neil sent them out, so they're already there if you want to go back, or if you want to sign up now that you have the link, to see the entire list of different phrases of equanimity, of upekkhā. I'll offer a few different options today.

One last thing I always say is, if you're a beginner, great, welcome to Happy Hour! Whatever you need to know will be shared with you, so no previous experience is necessary. I also want to say that the near enemy—what masquerades as equanimity—is aloofness, not caring. If you see that in yourself, then my invitation is to try to connect a little more with your sense of care and friendliness toward your friend, the person you'll be bringing up in your heart. Connect with your care for them so that there is a sense of care and presence, as well as holding it with a lot of spaciousness.

Reflections and Q&A

So, we have some time for reflections, for questions, for reports from the field of your experience. Reports from the field can be supportive not just for yourself as you verbalize them, but also supportive for the entire community.

So what did you notice? What arose? And especially if you haven't shared for a while or spoken, you are invited to please share. You can raise your Zoom hand or type in chat. If you type privately to me, I won't say your name, and if you type to everyone, I will read it out loud with your name.

Jesse: Alright, thank you. A question that's coming up for me is because you had mentioned that aloofness is the near enemy. What that brings up for me is a question about curiosity and investigation. I find that I don't want to be distant; I want to be engaged, but it just strikes me that too much engagement or curiosity or investigation seems to kind of go to another side where it doesn't feel autonomous anymore. I'm wondering if you could comment on that.

Nikki: Thank you so much for raising this, because this balance is so important. Too much investigation, too much kind of being in it, like this thing that's happening to you. Actually, you can tell me if that's what's coming up. What do you mean by investigation there? Is that what you mean, or do you mean something different?

Jesse: Yeah, exactly. I guess I feel like I don't want to get too wrapped up in whatever is arising, the hindrance or the aversion or grasping, whatever it might be. But not too aloof, either.

Nikki: Perfect. Actually, your question is a perfect opportunity to talk a little more about, and tease out, not just the near enemy but the far enemy. The far enemy is the opposite. I love this archaic language! The far enemy is the opposite, and the near enemy is the masquerade, or something that feels like it. Aloofness is often what equanimity can feel like, and then the far enemy is aversion or entanglement. What you were describing, getting caught up in, "oh, I don't like it, make it go away," or being too entangled with this friend and their suffering.

The invitation I have is great: you've noticed that! The first thing is to notice instead of thinking we're practicing equanimity when we're actually entangled in there or having a lot of aversion. Without any judgment, notice, "Oh, this is what's happening. Okay, here it is. I knew you were going to show up at some point! Okay, now I get to practice with you and find my way with this practice."

Noticing it, and what can support that is that the sense of connection and care is spacious. You care for someone, but you're not in there trying to fix their problems. You care for them and you're giving them so much space. It's almost like loving someone from afar. You care for them, and you know that this is their journey, and it is part of your journey too. That's where you can still be connected with the sense of care, but with a lot of space. Giving them space. Does that help, Jesse? Tell me what's coming up for you.

Jesse: Yeah, that's great. I guess something you said was that equanimity has a quality of warmth to it. I'm finding that it also has a quality of gentle action, you know? Not just ignoring things, but the application of wisdom. So yeah, that's great.

Nikki: Yeah, thank you. The gentle action is—it's the gentle action of inaction, in a way. The action is not getting entangled, giving a lot of space, staying engaged. I mean, the parts of the action you're talking about are beautiful, because it's a way of staying present. One image that comes up for me is being at the deathbed of someone you care for and love, knowing that it is at the end, and you can't get in there and try to fix it, and you can't hate it. Just holding presence. You're engaged, you're breathing with them, and there's a sense of, "Yeah, this is the journey that needs to happen." Thank you so much for bringing that up, Jesse, very helpful.

And Linda says, "I had to make myself the friend, odd but beneficial." Great! That's terrific. It all works however doing the practice works for you. In this way, you can be your own friend. In fact, I often think of ourselves where we can both be our benefactor, our good friend, we can be our difficult person sometimes, or a neutral person, like a person we don't quite know really, though we think we know ourselves. So we can work with ourselves in all of those categories.

And Forrest says, "Equanimity seems to be much subtler than the other brahmavihāras, and I often find I have a hard time identifying: is this it, or tapping into it?" Thank you, Forrest. Equanimity is subtler, absolutely. I'm glad you're calling it out, which is why it's the fourth one. We kind of build up to it with practicing the other three. The questioning, "is this it, is this not?"—there's a sense of equipoise, a care, but there's an openness. You will know when you're in it, when you fall out of it. So that's the invitation I have for you, Forrest. When you feel like, "Ah, this feels like aloofness, or too much attachment," and then you go into equanimity, you realize, "Oh, this is more refined." The lens of perception becomes more attuned.

And Jerry asks, "Is it the process also of setting boundaries?" It could be. I mean, this is a slightly different language and different lens, setting boundaries, but in some ways, giving them their own boundary, giving them space. You can think of it as a boundary of spaciousness. Somehow, setting a boundary implies that you don't care anymore, when you are still caring. It's so... I don't know how helpful it is to use that terminology. It might be, maybe not. Maybe I'll just leave it at that. Thank you.

Alright, so, very rich reflections and conversation. Let's take our practice on the road—question mark, road?—and practice it in the field of interpersonal relationships with people who are practitioners with you in this field. So in small groups, let's start with 30 seconds of wordless mettā for each other, knowing that other people are wishing goodwill for you, and then sharing however little or much you'd like to share about your practice and this way of connecting with equanimity and ease. So I'm going to create the rooms here. Here we go. Okay, almost there. Ready, opening them now.

(Breakout rooms session)

Welcome back, everyone. The rooms are closed, and we have a couple of minutes for reflections. What did you notice? What did you find out? And especially if you haven't shared or are new, I'd love to hear from you. What came up for you? And if you raise your physical hand I may not see you. Anything you noticed that came up, especially when you were discussing with others? Terrence^[4], please.

Terrence: I just feel so supported in this practice, and this is subtle and you know, not always sure that we're in the right vein, and I just really support this or I'm so grateful for this venue of practice.

Nikki: Very good. Thank you. Thank you, Terrence, for your words and for you being here and supporting others with your practice. It just pleases me that you feel supported. Yay! And may we all feel supported in our practice and in our lives.

And Sarah says, "I second that. A deep sense of gratitude towards everyone here and Nikki." Thank you, Sarah. Thank you for seconding that and for your presence here, supporting yourself in this practice and supporting the sangha.

And all of you, for showing up, I want to thank you all for showing up, for practicing both for your own sake and the sake of all those whose lives you touch within the sangha, outside the sangha in your life, your colleagues, the world. Thank you all. May all beings be free in their heart. May all beings have peace and ease and equanimity. Thank you. I delight to share with you.