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Happy Hour: Happy for Another's Happiness

A warm welcome to you, wherever you are in the world, in whatever time zone. It is lovely to be together to practice in this moment in time.

For today's practice, we are going to turn our attention and our heart to the practice of mudita^[1], or vicarious joy, which is the sure way to gladden the heart and mind, both for our lives and for the benefit of other practices that we do. It is an important practice. Just to bring it into context, since the beginning of the year, we have been going through the four Brahma Viharas^[2] in order. We spent time with metta^[3], exploring all the categories and concentric circles. We spent plenty of time with karuna^[4] (compassion), expanding our heart. And now, perfect for a Friday, we have just made our way into the next Brahma Vihara, which is mudita—vicarious joy or sympathetic joy, as it is translated in different ways.

I will say a couple of words about the practice before we start, and of course, similarly, we will go through this in the coming days through the different categories, practicing, exploring, and expanding little by little.

The practice of mudita in Pali works like this: when metta—which is goodwill or kindness—meets someone who is in a neutral position in life, not really happy and not really unhappy, it expresses itself as goodwill: "May you be safe, may you be happy." Now, if that same goodwill comes into contact with someone who is suffering, it expresses itself as compassion: "May you be free from suffering, may you have ease." And if that same metta, that same warm-heartedness, friendliness, and sentiment comes into contact with someone who actually has blessings in their lives and is happy, it expresses itself as mudita: "May your happiness continue. I am happy for your happiness! Yay, may your happiness never end."

So there is a sense of celebration of goodness in the world. There is a sense of happiness for another person's happiness. The Dalai Lama says that if you are only happy for your own good fortune, you have a one out of seven billion chance of being happy. But if you cultivate happiness for other people's happiness, your chances increase to seven billion, because each being has something they are happy about, some good fortune. It may not be everything in their lives, but there is something.

It is best to start this practice where it is easiest for us. Tonight, the invitation will be to start with someone whom you naturally feel happy for. You can say, "Yay, I'm happy for your happiness!" Again, they do not need to be happy in every aspect of their life, but just focus on one aspect, one blessing in their life that you celebrate with them. You are just happy for them when they call you up and share it with you. You are being with gladness for them as if it were your own goodness. We start where it is easiest.

One thing to say about this practice concerns the near enemy and far enemy^[5]. The far enemy is envy. If envy comes up, turn the metta toward yourself, because in that moment, metta becomes compassion. You are holding yourself with, "Oh sweetie, you really want this thing and you don't have it." It becomes compassion for yourself. As long as you practice kindness—expressing kindness in celebrating someone else's good fortune, or kindness turned into compassion for yourself if envy comes up—you are doing this practice right.

Reflections and Q&A

Thank you everyone. Thank you for your practice. I have to say, with the practice of mudita, vicarious joy, it is a happy-making practice. Having practiced with you, I feel happier now. It might be different for different people, but I sense more abundance and more joy in my heart. As I check in, there is a smile showing up on my face that wasn't here before. So it is nice to check in and take a pulse, and see what is happening in your heart and in your mind.

We have time for some reflections. If there are questions, comments, or reflections, I would love to hear what you noticed, what you observed, what was challenging, and what was easy.

Question: What is the near enemy of mudita?

Nikki: The near enemy, which is what masquerades as mudita, can take a few different forms. One is a sense of pride, where there is a sense of, "Oh, my child," or "Oh, my friend..." It's as if you are taking credit for it instead of offering generosity of heart and sharing your gladness as a gift for them. The self kind of takes center stage, so pride is one of the near enemies.

The other one is exuberance. Exuberance is when there is so much gladness that it is almost like you become punch-drunk on gladness and kind of lose your stability and your settledness. Mudita can be bubbly, but when it goes a little too overboard, it doesn't have the stability of gladness; it becomes over-exuberance.

Student (Monica): I really appreciated how at the beginning of the talk you pointed out that metta can manifest in different ways, like mudita or karuna. When I sat down and closed my eyes, I realized I had a lot of physical and emotional pain that I've just been neglecting for a long time. I wanted so much to do the mudita, but I saw it showing up more as karuna. So I focused on that, and I feel that friendliness much more towards my experience. I feel more present and I feel that kindness. Thank you so much.

Nikki: Terrific. Thank you, Monica. I so appreciate hearing your inner wisdom. Yes, this session is "happy hour," but really what was called for right here, right now, was the physical and emotional pain. So you said, "Hey, I'm going to turn the goodwill, the metta, towards this and be with it." Yay! Fantastic. I am so happy to hear that. You and everyone have the license to adapt the practice any which way that works for you in a given sit. Thank you for modeling and sharing that.

Student (Neil): I was surprised at how difficult I found this. It just wasn't like a lot of feeling that I felt; it was just altogether sort of awkward. There was some jealousy at some point, which surprised the heck out of me because I can't say I felt jealous of this person before. It was surprising to me that giving compassion over someone feeling pain seems so much easier than this.

Nikki: Thank you, Neil. I am so grateful you brought this up. All of these practices, these four Brahma Viharas, are also considered purification practices. As you were saying, "Oh, I didn't realize there was jealousy or envy in this relationship, but here it is, it showed up. How interesting is that, without any judgment." These practices, as purification practices, will unearth and bring up things that are already there, bringing them to our attention so that they can be purified.

Another thing is that different practices might be easier or harder. Right now, in this shape or form, karuna (compassion) is an easier one for you, and this one has an edge. Not to say that it's always going to be your edge, but right now, this is what can be cultivated. In the same way, I trust some other practices had a little bit of an edge, and as you did them, the heart opened up and they became easier. It sounds like this might be the new frontier of gently stretching.

I actually want to say I'm glad for you. It's so nice when we find our edges. If it was all easy, there wouldn't be any places to grow. Now you have become aware of this area of your heart that can use more cultivation, as if one finds a muscle in the gym and says, "Oh, look at this muscle, this one needs a little more work, the rest of them are strong."

[The group then breaks into small breakout rooms for a brief period of sharing and mutual metta practice.]

Welcome back, everyone.

Question: How does one deal with exuberance?

Nikki: You notice it. You notice there is exuberance, and you kind of settle and arrive back into grounding.

Question: Do you have to use phrases, or is it okay to just focus on the feeling?

Nikki: It's fine to focus on the feeling if wordless works better for you. There are no "shoulds" in this practice.

Student: I had a good time. I really enjoyed sitting in meditation. I felt my body get really warm in the middle of it, and I feel really happy. I did have one question: can that person receive my good wish? Is it just the practice for my own heart, or how can people receive these intentions and good wishes?

Nikki: With this practice here, we only really do it for the cultivation of our own heart. If you try to attach to the result—wondering, "Are they happier? Is their good fortune continuing? I sent lots of mudita your way, is it there yet?"—it becomes problematic. The reward is the cultivation of your own heart in generosity and goodwill, and it will show up in the way you are in the world.

Thank you all for your practice, because you do this practice of cultivation not just for your own sake, but for the sake of all those whose lives you touch, directly and indirectly. Thank you for showing up, for practicing, and for supporting each other.

May all beings be happy. May all beings be free. Thank you.